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American Idol Results – The InterTubes Respond Thursday, May 21, 2009

Posted by JB* in American Idol, JB*, makin' it work, maybe you should read a book instead, Television, THIS AIN'T REALITY TV, TV.
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Simon wanted to crown him, so America was going to crown Adam’s [backside] tonight.  And then the voting results came in.  And then the commentary began…

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American Idol Top 9 Roundtable Preview and Liveblog Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Posted by Jerkwheat in American Idol, Bloggers Gone Wild, Bring On The Rapture, DougOLis, JB*, jerkwheat, matt_T, more indepth than probably need-be, Posts that should have more humor, reality TV, THIS AIN'T REALITY TV.
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Hey, it’s Tuesday already. Whaddyaknow. If you’re here for the liveblog (the both of you) then it will be going live at 8pm. You can access it by clicking below:

Click Here

If you are here for the weekly Roundtable preview, then I highly suggest that you click this here jump button… (more…)

American Idol Roundtable – Top 13 Performance Show Recap Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Posted by Jerkwheat in American Idol, DeadOn Round Table, DougOLis, JB*, jerkwheat, matt_T, more indepth than probably need-be, Things too long to read, THIS AIN'T REALITY TV.
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Hello, all. I know that you’ve missed the roundtable with all of your hearts and souls, haven’t you? Did you join us for the impromptu live-blog last night? Of course not! Because we did it on a whim with no promotion! HUZZAH! Oh the quips and platitudes that you missed out on! Lucky for you, we’re back with the American Idol Roundtable this year and, like Idol itself, we’ve made some changes to the panel. We’d like to welcome long-time commenter and recent recapper DougOLis to the fold. HI DOUG! So, if you’re a masochist that likes things that go on too long (and since you watch Idol, you likely are) join us after the jump for the breakdown of the Top 13 Performance Show. (more…)

Momma’s Boys: Episode 6 – Oedipus Finale Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Posted by JB* in Bloggers Gone Wild, guilty pleasures, I don't get out much, I know the suspense is killing you, JB*, Momma's Boys, nbc, reality TV, THIS AIN'T REALITY TV, TV, You know how I know you're gay?.
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Our show, which has sent many a psychoanalyist into a Freudian-tizzy about Oedipus complexes, is coming to a wrap with the Final Decisions. Will the Boys act like Men or will they give in to their mother’s wishes? And what stunt will Mrs. B pull out this time? Find out… after the jump.
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Momma’s Boys: Episode 5 – The Irony of The Virgin Islands is Not Lost On Us Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Posted by JB* in I know the suspense is killing you, I Should Be Sleeping, JB*, Momma's Boys, more indepth than probably need-be, nbc, Television, Things too long to read, THIS AIN'T REALITY TV, TV.
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After an episode in which JoJo’s mom Mrs.B took helicopter parenting to a whole new level, each Boy is off to the Virgin Islands with his Momma and his top three girls (well, save for JoJo, since his Momma said no girl was good enough – he only gets two).

This week, NBC’s Promo Guy has hinted Erica will tell of her sordid past, Mrs.B will call it hell, and every mother will tell her son he is making a terrible choice. How will the son’s respond? Learn – after the jump…
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Momma’s Boys: Episode 4 – Holidays and Ticket Agents Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Posted by JB* in F*ck, this has a lot of links!, I Should Be Sleeping, JB*, maybe you should read a book instead, Momma's Boys, nbc, reality TV, Television, Things too long to read, THIS AIN'T REALITY TV, TV, TV shows.
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It is a train-wreck of a dating show, complete with stereotypes and oddball challenges. Sounds like it is right up my alley!

Join me after the jump for a review of Momma’s Boys, where three single guys – and their mothers – attempt to find them love, all while embarrassing themselves in front of the cameras. (more…)

The Hills – Season 4 Episode 7: While Lauren’s Away… Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Posted by Matt_T in Bring On The Rapture, matt_T, The Hills, THIS AIN'T REALITY TV.
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Lauren is packing for Italy and Audrina tells her to bring some heels, but LC says that no one in Italy wears heels.  Lo and Audrina send her off, and they say they’ll have fun while she’s gone.  She drives off and the other two look slightly scared. (more…)

The Hills – Season 4 Episode 6: You Always Miss a Best Friend Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Posted by Matt_T in Bring On The Rapture, matt_T, The Hills, THIS AIN'T REALITY TV.
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We start this week at Speidi’s place and Holly wants to know what they are doing tonight.  Heidi said they’re cooking dinner.  Holly wants to go out, but Heidi has to work in the morning.   Holly only knows them and Lauren.  Holly tried to keep up with her but they kind of drifted apart.  Spencer lets her know that as long as she lives there, that she will not be hanging out with Lauren.  How nice.  Spencer is now trying to run both Heidi and her sister’s life.

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The Hills – Season 4 Episode 5: Something Has to Change Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Posted by Matt_T in Bring On The Rapture, matt_T, The Hills, THIS AIN'T REALITY TV.
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Lauren, Lo and Steph are looking up jails in the phonebook.  Lo wants to know why they got arrested and Lauren says that’s what boys do.  As they’re trying to find a bails bondsman Frankie comes in with DougDoug and Brody.  Brody and Doug are laughing, they were in the casino jail.  As they were leaving some drunk guy accosted them about partying with them.  DougDoug and Brody declined his offer and the drunk guy wasn’t too happy and punched DougDoug in the chest and he shoved him and bloody mary ended up all over everyone.  DougDoug says it was worth it, and he’s going to laugh at the guy in court.  Lauren just says ‘idiots’

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The Hills – Season 4 Episode 4: Boys Make Girls Cry Monday, September 8, 2008

Posted by Matt_T in Bring On The Rapture, matt_T, MTV, The Hills, THIS AIN'T REALITY TV.
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Lauren, Lo and Steph show up to go to Vegas on DougDoug’s private jet. I’m curious as to how a minor league baseball player has a jet.  Bud Selig needs to look into this. They get on the jet, and everyone’s excited.  Steph asks why Audrina and JustinBobby aren’t riding with them.  LC tells her its a long story and looks rather exhasperated.  Brody proposes a toast to Steph.  He says he’s not going to hold a grudge, but having her there is almost like having Spencer there.  Ooh, sick burn.

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The Hills – Season 4 Episode 3: Better Off as Friends Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Posted by Matt_T in Bring On The Rapture, matt_T, The Hills, THIS AIN'T REALITY TV.
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We start this week at People’s Revolution and Whitney is going to NY right away because that’s how Kelly works.  Whitney’s going to pack lots of black.  She asks LC about DougDoug and LC’s lukewarm on him, she thought she’d jump back in how it used to be, but there’s no spark.  Whitney says she should go and head dump him, if that’s what she wants to do.  LC just doesn’t ‘want to have that conversation.’  LC, go ahead and get over with, no one likes to be led on.

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The Hills – Season 4 Episode 2: Drama Follows Them Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Posted by Matt_T in Bring On The Rapture, matt_T, The Hills, THIS AIN'T REALITY TV.
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Stephanie and LC are at school and Steph invites Lauren to her party.  Lauren wants to bring DougDoug, who is a baseball player but injured.  (And its not Mike Hampton.)  Stephanie ominously says that athletes are her favorite.  She also says she hasn’t spoken with Speidi in weeks. (more…)

The Hills – Season 4 Premiere – “We’ll Never Be Friends” Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Posted by Matt_T in Bring On The Rapture, matt_T, The Hills, THIS AIN'T REALITY TV.
5 comments

Hi boys and girls.  We’re back for Season 4 of the best ‘reality’ show ever.  Rumor is this could be the last seasoon.  We get a quick recap of what happened last season.  Lauren ominously says that that sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.  Off we go.

People’s Revolution and LC and Whitney are chatting and LC mentions she has a date tonight. Its some guy she used to date named Doug.   They dated some when she was 18, he went to a different school and she went to his prom. “Doug….Doug”  says Whitney.  3 minutes in and Whitney already providing the quote of the episode.  Hit the Natasha Beddingfield and off we go

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To Catch a Predator – BINGO! Friday, December 28, 2007

Posted by athleticsupporter in jerkwheat, THIS AIN'T REALITY TV, unhealthy obsessions.
6 comments
Says he has seen Dateline: To Catch a Predator before Brings Hard Liquor Has a goatee Works for the clergy Is over 100 lbs overweight
Drives a pickup truck Already has a record as a sex offender “I’ve never done anything like this before” Brings a box of condoms Mentons anal sex in IM conversation
Has a moustache Oral Sex in IM conversation “I’m Chris Hansen of Dateline NBC” Is older than 50 Asks if he/she is “shaved”
Brings cheap beer Doesn’t resist police, but is thrown to the ground anyway Immediately runs for door at sight of Chris Hansen Has a receeding hairline Works in education system
“I have a wife and kids” Has a full beard The dude just says fuck it and shows up naked “I was just making sure he/she was ok” The male end of the IM re-enactment is overly breathy

I Write The Posts That The Whole World Reads Friday, April 13, 2007

Posted by Trey in goathair, Lady Andrea, survivor, THIS AIN'T REALITY TV.
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I know what you’re thinking, and really, I can’t blame you.  You want the busty blonde back.  She’s funny, she writes well, and she coined the fantastic term DEADLY SEA SNAKES.  But I’m sorry; you’re stuck with me while Lady Andrea recovers from her latest American Idol-caused injury.

Nonetheless, Survivor happened last night and I’ll tell you what went down (kind of). (more…)

Asian Youtube Idol – Oriental Eight Thursday, March 29, 2007

Posted by Baba Oje in asians, Baba Oje, Half Japanese Girls, I need to stop drinking so much, Japanese girls without panties, korean pornography, mouth parties, objectivity is overrated, singing?, THIS AIN'T REALITY TV.
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Its been a long week, but Thursday is here and as we all know Thursday is almost Friday, so fuck it lets go drink and dick around at work/school/home all day tomorrow until its time to drink again. This week Thursday also means the end of Asian Youtube Idol’s Oriental Eight. Don’t worry though, sports fans, we’ll be back next week with the culmination of this fine series that started out with good intentions and turned into something quite different. The final matchup of this round is between fan favorites Little Pimp and William Hung 2.0 (f.k.a. Costume malfunction 3.0). When I say how high, you jump for the videos.* (more…)

419 – The Movie Friday, March 23, 2007

Posted by athleticsupporter in athleticsupporter, hatchet jobs, I need to stop drinking so much, the balls, THIS AIN'T REALITY TV.
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[Cut to interior scene, a Don Cheadlesque man is sitting in a dimly lit, poorly furnished room, typing furiously into his computer. The character, through a narration, then begins to explain how this machine was a gift to his people, those of Benin, West Africa.]

[pan from his hands up to his cheek, a single tear runs down his face]

DEAR SIR,MA.

I AM DAUGHTER OF LATE FRED LAWRENCE IN REPUBLIC OF BENIN IN WEST AFRICA. OUR LATE FATHER LAWRENCE DIED AND LEFT US AND OUR MOTHER JULIET AND MY YOUNGER BROTHER BROWN MY NAME IS BUKKY LAWRENCE . I AM 26 YEARS OLD WHY MY YOUNGER BROTHER BROWN IS 21 YEARS OLD.

[As Bukky continues to type, a narration of the letter kicks in, and we flashback to each scene as it’s described. They show Bukky’s father working in his many companies… Lawrence Hardware… Lawrence Vetrinary Hospital… Lawrence Quick-Stop Liquor & Gas. Then cut to the funeral services for his father…tears and black dashikis have came out in strong numbers]
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The Apprentice Recap, written by Arnold Schwarzenegger Monday, March 19, 2007

Posted by Trey in goathair, reality TV, THIS AIN'T REALITY TV.
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After guesting as the host of last night’s reward, Arnold Schwarzenegger decided to write this recap for me. Who am I to say no?

 

 Yargh, dees ees Ahnuld.  Me and Donuld go vay back. Yes in 80s, Donuld declar de bankrupt, and I steroided.  AAAGGHAHhh.  Not a decade we ahhh pwoud of.  Eiva vay, vee bofth are many time succeshful in zee two sousands.  Heez show Ze Prentice guested me on last night.  The tiny brains of dees vittle girls and boys reminds me of ze Little Ahnuld from ze roideds.  (more…)

I Want to Hit You With a Fried Pineapple Friday, March 9, 2007

Posted by Trey in goathair, reality TV, survivor, THIS AIN'T REALITY TV.
5 comments

This is absolutely the most depressing season of Survivor yet.  Every episode feels like Groundhog Day.   Once again Moto wins both challenges because Ravu isn’t as smart, well-fed, or strong.  Not to mention they have the worst strategists (Rocky and Mookie) trying to head up an alliance that fails to vote off who they want every single week.  It’s so redundant that next week, Mark Burnett realizes that he needs to make up some more rules to switch things up.

So instead of focusing on who went home (Rita and her fake boobs), let’s focus on two things that actually make this season worth watching. (more…)

Asian Youtube Idol – Round 1 Thursday, March 8, 2007

Posted by Baba Oje in asians, Baba Oje, hentai tentacle porn, I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU, Japanese girls without panties, korean pornography, singing?, supergroups, THIS AIN'T REALITY TV.
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5 comments

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Welcome to Round One of Asian Youtube Idol. Today’s matchup is between the #3 and #14 seeds. Analysis and videos after the jump. (more…)