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DeadOn Round Table: Holiday Movies Friday, December 19, 2008

Posted by JB* in DeadOn Round Table, Great Movies You Might Have Missed, JB*, matt_T, movies, MTV, objectivity is overrated, Rockabye, undergroundBTO, Yostal.
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For many people, today is the last day in the office for the year. Your ever-helpful DeadOn Staff has compiled our list of favorite holiday movies for you to enjoy, helping you get in the holiday spirit (or just avoid your family).

See our recommendations and tell us what we missed, after the jump… (more…)

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Presidential Flicks – The Round Table Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Posted by JB* in DeadOn Round Table, Great Movies You Might Have Missed, JB*, movies, undergroundBTO, Yostal.
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As some of you may have heard, today is Election Day in the United States. Possibly not coincidentally, the DeadOn crew were asked to field the question, What was the best Presidential movie from our lives (approximately 1980 forward)?

We left it loose to cover movies which are about the Presidency (W.), prominently feature the President (The American President), are kind of-sort of-in a way are about Presidential things (First Daughter) or just randomly are politically-related (Welcome to Mooseport).

Pull up a chair to the round table… after the jump.

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New Movie Releases – Week of 09/07/07 Friday, September 7, 2007

Posted by Tuffy in movies, new movie releases, tuffy.
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3 comments

WTF is up, Doc?

Shoot ‘Em Up

Starring: Clive Owen, Monica Bellucci, Paul Giamatti

Pitch: Sin City as a joyful romp. With carrots.

Synopsis: Not much need for one here. Still, for completeness – Owen is a military powerhouse-cum-nanny protecting the baby of a prostitute (Bellucci) specializing in lactating fetishes from the nerdy evil of Giamatti.

Target Market: Young men. Oh, those supple young men with their disposable income and their lactating fantasies.

Why You Should See This Movie: It’s a taut 87 minutes of absurdism violence involving creative uses of guns (they open and close cabinets! they cut umbilical cords! they just might replace parachutes!) and a sly sense of humor.

(more…)

Old Movie Releases – Week of 8/24/07 Friday, August 24, 2007

Posted by Tuffy in movies, new movie releases, tuffy.
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5 comments

Dog days indeed

God help me, I can’t bring myself to tell you about the excrement the studios have scraped off the bottom of their collective Bruno Maglis for late August release. Instead, please enjoy this look back at movies you should have seen this summer but probably haven’t yet. Do yourself a favor and seek these out instead… (more…)

New Movie Releases – Week of 08/17/07 Friday, August 17, 2007

Posted by Tuffy in movies, new movie releases, tuffy.
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3 comments

Sara!

Superbad

Starring: Michael Cera, Jonah Hill, Christopher Mintz-Plasse

Pitch: Okay, what if… and look, I’m just spitballing here… what if we took the hottest team of adult comedy creators in America (Knocked Up, The 40 Year Old Virgin, etc.), paired them with sensational young actors, and created the best high school romp since Fast Times at Ridgemont High?

I mean, or we could work on that Caddyshack 3 script again.

Synopsis: Misfits Cera and Hill try to buy booze to get into a cool party. Of course, it’s about none of that, but you have to hang your hat somewhere.

Target Market: People that like the raunchy funny, especially the teenagers that can’t get into this R-rater about lying about your age to get into a coo… HEY.

Why You Should See This Movie: “Rated R for pervasive crude and sexual content, strong language, drinking, some drug use and a fantasy/comic violent image – all involving teens.” My work is done here.

(more…)

New Movie Releases – Weekend of 8/10/07 Friday, August 10, 2007

Posted by Tuffy in movies, new movie releases, tuffy.
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3 comments

Stardust memories…

Stardust

Starring:
Matthew Vaughn (dir), Neil Gaiman (screenplay), Charlie Cox, Sienna Miller, Ian McKellen, Peter O’Toole, Michelle Pfeiffer, Robert De Niro, and on and on and on…

Pitch: Neil, you keep polishing the script while I swing a copy of The Princess Bride’s VHS sales numbers hypnotically in front of their faces…

Synopsis: Mr. Cox chases a magical MacGuffin through fantastic lands to prove his love to a frosty lass, learning many lessons about himself while experiencing grand adventures. No doubt, someone’s buckle will be swashed and someone’s relief will be comedied. (Needless to say, expensive fantasy quest movies didn’t get made often before Lord of the Rings because they’re too hard to explain in 30-second spots.)

Target Market: Neil Gaiman fans; fantasy fans; people that still get a bit verklempt when they quote, “As you wish.”

Why You Should See This Movie: Eventually, one of Gaiman’s properties will be given the A-level treatment by Hollywood. Early reviews suggest this may be the one.

(more…)

New Movie Releases – Weekend of 7/27/07 Friday, July 27, 2007

Posted by Tuffy in movies, new movie releases, tuffy.
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3 comments

The Simpsons Movie

Starring: Dan Castellaneta, Julie Kavner, Nancy Cartwright, Yeardley Smith

Here’s all the reasons you need to see this movie:

#1

Marge vs. the Monorail

Written by Conan O’Brien
Directed by Rich Moore

Season 4, Episode 12
Originally aired January 14, 1993

20. Homer At The Bat
19. Hurricane Neddy
18. Homer Goes to College
17. Homer’s Enemy
16. The Cartridge Family
15. 22 Short Films About Springfield
14. Treehouse of Horror II
13. El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer
12. Mr. Plow
11. Kamp Krusty
10. Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk
9. Bart Sells His Soul
8. Homer the Heretic
7. Mr. Lisa Goes To Washington
6. The New Kid on the Block
5. Lisa the Greek
4. A Streetcar Named Marge
3. Last Exit To Springfield
2. One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish
1. Marge vs. the Monorail

What? You’re still here? Then more movies after the jump… (more…)

New Movie Releases – Weekend of 7/20/07 Friday, July 20, 2007

Posted by Tuffy in movies, new movie releases, tuffy.
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9 comments

Now where did I leave my keys…

Hairspray

Starring: Nikki Blonsky, John Travolta, Christopher Walken

Pitch: It’s The Producers but with less Jewy and more gaiety.

Synopsis: John Waters’ 1988 bit of joy about self-confidence, love, and acceptance spins through the Broadway musical cycle before returning to the big screen.

Target Market: The 66% of America that is overweight and wants a movie that encourages you to get that large box of popcorn. G’wan; you’re still a good person. (Unless you’re not. Then you should just eat yourself into oblivion anyway, Fatty McLoserson.)

Why You Should See This Movie: The cast is riddled with stars; the songs are strong; the story is heartwarming and earnest fun; Oprah told you to.

Sunshine

Starring: Cillian Murphy, Rose Byrne, Chris Evans, Danny Boyle (dir.)

Pitch: 2001: A Space Odyssey without the need for drugs to approach comprehension.

Synopsis: Sun’s about to go dark. Eight astronauts will save us with their big nuke, or so we hope; for some reason, the previous attempt seven years previous lost contact. Then things take a nasty turn…

Target Market: Sci-fi fans; people that enjoyed Boyle’s previous work. Geeks, rejoice and come forth to see your Movie!

Why You Should See This Movie: Because Fox Searchlight has struggled mightily to find a way to get your attention for this worthy film; reward yourself with a quality sci-fi film without a single Happy Meal tie-in.

Also showing:

Some movie that wants to be Billy Wilder but isn’t even Billy Madison. Skip it.

New Movie Releases – Weekend of 7/13/07 Friday, July 13, 2007

Posted by Tuffy in movies, new movie releases, tuffy.
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20 comments

Barbaro and Harry in Heaven

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint

Pitch: “For her Potter factory shut down! Rowling would about as soon have expected to see the sun shut down–the huge establishment had been to her a thing akin to the planets and the seasons. But now it was shut! And they had not given her any explanation, they had not even given her a day’s warning; they had simply posted a notice one Saturday that all hands would be paid off that afternoon, and would not resume work for at least a month! And that was all that there was to it–her job was gone!” – Upton Sinclair

Synopsis: Harry returns from a summer shagging West End girls to find Voldemort has started building a new Death Star, one even more powerful than before. Harry plots with his sister, Hermione, and her boyfriend, Ron (the one with the blaster) to take down the unfinished artificial planet, arriving at its adjacent moon only to find a being claiming to be God hovering over them, demanding their Quidditch broomsticks be brought closer to the planet’s surface. When Harry calls the being’s bluff, the moon tries to swallow them whole. The trio barely escape but destroy the moon in the process. Thankfully, they were able to save the baby Elora Danan as they escaped, bringing her back to Willow Ufgood to return home.

Also, everybody gets rings. Harry’s is powerless against yellow.

Target Market: The entire British Isles. Most of America. Much of Europe. Parts of Venus. A few thousand dimensions dependent on string theory. And so on.

Why You Should See This Movie: You already have. I’m just a New Movie Releases completist.

Also playing: CaptivityElisha Cuthbert, professional victim, undergoes the Saw treatment. Will her most empowering role always be the time she was a porn star?

New Movie Releases – Weekend of 7/6/07 Friday, July 6, 2007

Posted by Tuffy in movies, new movie releases, tuffy.
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10 comments

Remember us?

Transformers

Starring: Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Megatron, Starscream

Pitch: They’re more realistic than ever! Biggest rollout since it first released!

Synopsis: Rolling the new line to bring in a whole new generation. There’s now items targeted for Leader tweeners with more articulation and more realism as well as Cyber toys easier to transform, giving little kids an entry point into the series. We’ve added Mom-safe guns and softer cross-overs, too. We’ve also coinciding this with a video game release and a coordinated marketing effort spread across 200 companies in 70 countries, including Burger King, PepsiCo, a half-dozen publishing companies, greeting cards, jewelry, home furnishings, underwear… we’ve got everything covered.

Target Market: We’re saying boy tweeners to teenagers with a healthy dose of nostalgic dorkmale disposable income crowd to shut up the violence whiners, but those Ages 5 and Up toys aren’t being bought for middle schoolers, if you catch my drift.

Why You Should See This Movie: …there’s a movie, too?

Also playing: License to WedRobin Williams must be stopped at all costs.

You know, I always thought that Matt Damon was like a Streisand, but I think he’s rockin’ the shit in this one! Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Posted by Baba Oje in Baba Oje, movies.
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5 comments

So its one month away from the exciting conclusion to Bourne film trilogy. Judging by the trailer, this thing is going to be up to the high standards of the first two. The Bourne Ultimatum has all the car chases, covert operations, and general ass kickings that made the first two film awesome. Add in a little parkour action that made the beginning of Casino Royale fucking rule, an even more pissed off Jason Bourne and Bourne Ultimatum just moved to the top of my must see summer movie list.

New Movie Releases – Weekend of 6/29/07 Friday, June 29, 2007

Posted by Tuffy in movies, new movie releases, tuffy.
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5 comments

Or I shall mispronounce your movie a second time!

Ratatouille

Starring: Brad Garrett, Lou Romano, Patton Oswalt, RenderMan®

Pitch: We’ve tried everything we could think of at Pixar to make a character unlovable and nothing works. We’ve made them insects, inanimate objects, automobiles… I know! Let’s make them French! (Oh, and rats.)

Synopsis: Our rodent protagonist wants to become a head chef but isn’t rat-like enough to be Gordon Ramsay. He hooks up with an endearing loser of a biped to try to achieve greatness.

Target Market: Not you. You can stay home with your kids and play Jenga all night. You don’t need to worry your pretty little head about it. I’m sure you’d hate it.

Why You Should See This Movie: You shouldn’t. Really. There’s no need for you to disrupt my ability to enjoy seeing Ratatouille four straight times today with your rugrats and your popcorn cud-chewing and your breathing.
(more…)

DeadOn Goes To The Movies: Evan Almighty Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Posted by The Fan's Attic in goathair, just some poor attempts at humor, Lady Andrea, movies, new movie reviews, SML's website is higher ranked than The Fan's Attic, suss, The Fan's Attic, Things I Wrote At My Real Job.
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5 comments

As the summer movie season rolls along, we here at DeadOn are committed to giving our readers critical, well-thought analysis (well, it’s analysis at least) because we don’t want you to waste your hard-earned money on bad movies, long lines and spending time with inordinate amounts of teenagers. That and we can’t get enough of seeing our own words in the blogosphere. We are bound and determined to be the eyes and ears for our readers…. Well, at least the eyes and ears for the 85 other writers on this website, who account for most of our readers.

The big movie this week is Evan Almighty starring Steve Carrell and everybody’s favorite movie narrator, Morgan Freeman.  Evan is the sequel to the delightfully funny Bruce Almighty starring Jim Carrey and everybody’s favorite narrator.  You probably know the story, God, Morgan Freeman, wants [blank person] to do something for him or fill in for him or something like that and hilarity ensues. So, without further ado…. (more…)

New Movie Releases – Weekend of 6/22/07 Friday, June 22, 2007

Posted by Tuffy in movies, new movie releases, tuffy.
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1 comment so far

Am I on Candid Camera?

Evan Almighty

Starring: Steve Carell, Morgan Freeman

Pitch: It’s Waterworld: The Prequel! (Or: It’s a wacky retelling of the Left Behind series!)

Synopsis: God wants Congressman Carell to build an ark. $240m ensues. (SPOILER: It’s not true that the producers wanted the boat to sink at the end, separating Carell from his true love just as he found her. His life will instead go on, though perhaps without $20m paydays.)

Target Market: The key Oh, God! Book II-loving demographic. The studio has also oiled up the The Passion of the Christ marketing machine, targeting evangelicals with a kooky comedy about Armageddon.

Why You Should See This Movie: If it’s funny, great. Otherwise, it promises to be an entertaining train wreck of Heaven’s Gate proportions. Bring two robot friends to flank you in the front row.
(more…)

New Movie Releases – Weekend of 6/15/07 Friday, June 15, 2007

Posted by Tuffy in movies, new movie releases, tuffy.
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3 comments

Get it?  Silver surfer!  AHAHAHAHAHkillme

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Starring: Jessica Alba, Michael Chiklis, Ioan Gruffudd, Chris Evans

Pitch: Still cheap to make; still great overseas! (Writing sequel pitches is incredibly dull. I feel as if I should just put a spreadsheet here.)

Synopsis: Short version: Stuff blows up good.  Long version: Stuff blows up real good.  The Silver Surfer shows up to fight, befriend, and then fight our heroes again. Doctor Doom also fights, doesn’t befriend, and then fights our heroes again. (I haven’t looked at the plot synopsis, but…come on.) No word on if Galactus (played by Eva Longoria’s ego) appears.

Target Market: Stan Lee, watching his 100th cameo appearance for the third time today.

Why You Should See This Movie: Alba’s not getting naked in this movie, either; you tell me.
(more…)

DeadOn Goes To The Movies: Ocean’s Thirteen Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Posted by The Fan's Attic in athleticsupporter, CDNMoose, Lady Andrea, Lingering Bursitis, movies, new movie reviews, Posts that should have more humor, SML's website is higher ranked than The Fan's Attic, The Fan's Attic.
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13 comments

As the summer movie season rolls along, we here at DeadOn are committed to giving our readers critical, well-thought analysis (well, it’s analysis at least) because we don’t want you to waste your hard-earned money on bad movies, long lines and spending time with inordinate amounts of teenagers. That and we can’t get enough of seeing our own words in the blogosphere. We are bound and determined to be the eyes and ears for our readers…. Well, at least the eyes and ears for the 85 other writers on this website, who account for most of our readers.

The big movie this week is the latest installment of the Ocean’s… series, Ocean’s Thirteen starring a shit-ton of people who you probably have seen before. So, without further ado….

(more…)

New Movie Releases – Weekend of 6/8/07 Friday, June 8, 2007

Posted by Tuffy in movies, new movie releases, tuffy.
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2 comments

The last surfing movie with stiff acting

Surf’s Up

Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Jeff Bridges, Zooey Deschanel, Jon Heder, James Woods

Pitch: March of the Penguins but even cuter and more amenable to licensing deals!

Synopsis: A cute penguin is followed by a documentary crew as he embarks on a long journey and oh isn’t he so cute aren’t you a plucky widdle penguin yes you are yes you are! Oh, tell me how much money to spend to keep you happy, you pwecious widdle penguin! Aren’t you my special widdle boy? Oh yes you are!

Target Market: “Honey, the babysitter movie’s here!”

Why You Should See This Movie: It might be the next Shrek. It might be the next Antz. Still, you’re far braver than me to see a kids’ movie on opening weekend.
(more…)

New Movie Releases – Weekend of 6/1/07 Friday, June 1, 2007

Posted by Tuffy in movies, new movie reviews, tuffy.
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11 comments

It was this or a June Allyson Depends joke.

Knocked Up

Starring: Seth Rogen, Katherine Heigl, Judd Apatow (dir.)

Pitch: The 40-Year-Old Father! No, no…Four Guys, a Hottie, and a Baby! Wait, no…Judd Apatow Meets the Harlem Globetrotters?

Synopsis: Rogen and Heigl explore the awkwardness of unexpected pregnancy and the one-night stand with the Apatow Players in tow to provide the coarse fun. No word yet if Heigl looks around her hospital room and mutters, “This seems familiar…”

Target Market: The twenty-to-thirtysomething lovers of 40-Year-Old Virgin, fans of the romantic comedy, “Grey’s Anatomy” fans, freaks, geeks, etc.

Why You Should See This Movie: It’s getting universally good-to-great reviews. Apatow is apparently in his prime. Katherine Heigl. You’ll probably need to see this to understand the Fall 2007 Snorg Tees collection.
(more…)

New Movie Releases – Weekend of 5/25/07 Friday, May 25, 2007

Posted by Tuffy in movies, new movie releases, tuffy.
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9 comments

…and Disney execs feel fine

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Starring: Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley

Pitch: The Enchanted Tiki Room movie didn’t make it out of turnaround, so I guess we’ll have to make the most popular movie of the year instead. sigh.

Synopsis: Pirates flirt, fight, and fey their way through a lumbering three hour film.

Target Market: People that like rollicking. Are you a rollicker? You look like a rollicker.

Why You Should See This Movie: You haven’t stopped masturbating since you saw Johnny Depp on “21 Jump Street”.

Also releasing:

There is one interesting bit of counter-programming this weekend:
BugAshley Judd continues her quiet tour de force as a woman on the run, hiding out in the Rustic Motel with Michael Shannon. Both struggle with inner demons that manifest as a bug problem. Or is it more…? (Warning: Harry Connick Jr. plays another psychopath. Please, I’m begging you, Hollywood: send him back to Louisiana. For America’s sake. Please.)

New Movie Releases – Weekend of 5/18/07 Friday, May 18, 2007

Posted by Tuffy in movies, new movie releases, tuffy.
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11 comments

Shrek == money

Shrek the Third

Starring: Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz, Eddie Murphy, a million star cameos

Pitch: Would it be too soon to rename Dreamworks Animation “Shrekland”?

Synopsis: …I’m not sure it matters, but here goes: Mike Myers doesn’t want to become king when John Cleese dies, so the Green Team and Donkey head out to find Justin Timberlake and convince him to be king. While gone, a coup is attempted with likely hilarious results. Coups are a common source of humor.

Target Market: You’ve seen enough Spider-Man 3. Time to queue up again, kids.

Why You Should See This Movie: You’re immensely fond of cartoons that linger in the Uncanny Valley and fire off pop culture quips with Gatling gun frequency. Your children will have no idea what you saw in this thing, but you need a date movie to accidentally get pregnant at; this will do nicely.

Also releasing:

Again, no one is foolish enough to compete with the big release. Here’s what I missed last week while looking for my pants:
28 Weeks Later – Oops, I infected it again.
Georgia Rule – Does no one have a decent role for Jane Fonda? How about Lindsay Lohan? No one?
Delta FarceLarry The Cable Guy. Bill Engvall. DJ Qualls. Iraq. You’ve been warned. (Actually, I like Engvall. Go see his show if you need a taste of Heartland humor.)