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American Idol Roundtable – Top Five Performance Recap Thursday, April 30, 2009

Posted by JB* in American Idol, DougOLis, I need to stop drinking so much, JB*, jerkwheat, matt_T, my turn to get music snobby.
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A little late, but nonetheless witty, charming, and most importantly, accurate, this… is your DeadOn American Idol Round Table for the Top 5 – Rat Pack Week.

Farewell, TimberLite.  May your jaunty hats serve you well in the future.


American Idol Roundtable – Top Seven Performance Show Recap Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Posted by Jerkwheat in American Idol, DeadOn Round Table, DougOLis, I need to stop drinking so much, JB*, jerkwheat, matt_T, objectivity is overrated.
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Well, that happened, didn’t it? I’d also like to echo the comments of the blogosphere when I say that the two judges at once thing sucks. Hire a director who can reign the show in, ok? And stop pissing off my fellow “Fringe” fans – that’s a show we should have been recapping since the start – and no more running late! Speaking of running late, the Roundtable isn’t! We’re up and live in plenty of time yet again. So jump with us for the Tarantino night recappage (more…)

American Idol Roundtable – Top 8 Performance Show Recap Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Posted by Jerkwheat in American Idol, Bloggers Gone Wild, Bring On The Rapture, DeadOn Round Table, DougOLis, I need to stop drinking so much, JB*, jerkwheat, matt_T, mouth parties, objectivity is overrated, reality TV, Things too long to read, TV.
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YAY! I managed to get a Roundtable up this week afterall! You have no idea the amount of amazing one-liners and zingers that just sit in my inbox when I lack the ability to get one of these things up in time. If you watched last night’s performance show, then you probably have an idea of where we’re going with this. Especially if you tuned in for the liveblog.  The steaming cowpie awaits you… (more…)

EXCLUSIVE: Tucker Max writes for DeadOn Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Posted by lingeringbursitis in Holy crap, I need to stop drinking so much, Lingering Bursitis.
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Here at DeadOn, we are fortunate enough to have exclusive stories from supposed writers. This is one such story.

Tucker Max

So dude, I was wasted, right? I had like 18 beers, 7 gallons of top-shelf gin administered intraveinously, some Mexican jumping beans, a smear of peyote, six-and-a-half flagons of table wine, and three roofies I mistook for percocet. Oh well, it’s still cool, right? I went out with my two insane buddies from the military, both of whom are jacked and think I’m hilarious. We all looked good — despite the sizable arsenal of alcohol and narcotics coursing through my bloodstream, my hair looked great and I had no puke on my pinstripe shirt. Rad!

So we go to this party, and it’s lame. Everyone there is infinitely lamer than we are. I called some chick fat using eleven-letter words, and everyone around me laughed and told me how funny I was. I wish I’d recorded the words coming out of my mouth, because by now I’d have a Pulitzer or at the very least, a Peabody. [I know they don’t give Peabodys to writers, but I bet they’d make an exception for me. Maybe even the Nobel Prize dudes would give me a call too. I’m that awesomely excellent. AND I have good hair. I swear this is all true.]


All Roads Lead to DeadOn: Rom Zom Com Edition Monday, April 30, 2007

Posted by Will Li in BowdenBowdenBowden, Elric, hatchet jobs, I need to stop drinking so much, just some poor attempts at humor, Search Strings.


*Player 2 Has Entered the Game*

Ed: Don’t you have work, man?

*Player 2 Has Left the Game*

Shaun: I wouldn’t if this sod didn’t stumble in last night, going on about some bint who got him ramped after the match.

*nudges motionless form on floor*

Motionless form: *snore*

Shaun: As such, it seems as I’ll be penning this piss-head’s weekly ‘net column.

Ed: It writes?

Pete, walking down stairs: About as much as you work, Ed.

Ed: Don’t be a prick.

Pete: What was that?

Ed: I said, your mother’s a spic.

Pete: Fuck-all, I haven’t got the time for this. Unlike present company, I have responsibilities. Make sure that one doesn’t chunder on the rug, is all I ask.

And someone left the front door open, again!

*Door Slams*


Saturday Afternoon Standup – Dos-o-pede Saturday, April 28, 2007

Posted by Baba Oje in Baba Oje, comedy, I need to stop drinking so much, mitch hedberg, Saturday Afternoon Standup.

So I have Mitch Hedberg on the mind. Sue me. I blame certain other members of the DeadOn crew for continuously bringing him up. I think this makes 3 of the last 4 Saturday Afternoon Standups to be by Mitch, but I’m lazy and drunk, and he is funny, so I make no apologies. Just sit back and enjoy.

[ed: I have no idea what happened to the video. I blame youtube. Its back now, so be happy.]

Asian Youtube Idol – Oriental Eight Thursday, March 29, 2007

Posted by Baba Oje in asians, Baba Oje, Half Japanese Girls, I need to stop drinking so much, Japanese girls without panties, korean pornography, mouth parties, objectivity is overrated, singing?, THIS AIN'T REALITY TV.
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Its been a long week, but Thursday is here and as we all know Thursday is almost Friday, so fuck it lets go drink and dick around at work/school/home all day tomorrow until its time to drink again. This week Thursday also means the end of Asian Youtube Idol’s Oriental Eight. Don’t worry though, sports fans, we’ll be back next week with the culmination of this fine series that started out with good intentions and turned into something quite different. The final matchup of this round is between fan favorites Little Pimp and William Hung 2.0 (f.k.a. Costume malfunction 3.0). When I say how high, you jump for the videos.* (more…)

419 – The Movie Friday, March 23, 2007

Posted by athleticsupporter in athleticsupporter, hatchet jobs, I need to stop drinking so much, the balls, THIS AIN'T REALITY TV.
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[Cut to interior scene, a Don Cheadlesque man is sitting in a dimly lit, poorly furnished room, typing furiously into his computer. The character, through a narration, then begins to explain how this machine was a gift to his people, those of Benin, West Africa.]

[pan from his hands up to his cheek, a single tear runs down his face]



[As Bukky continues to type, a narration of the letter kicks in, and we flashback to each scene as it’s described. They show Bukky’s father working in his many companies… Lawrence Hardware… Lawrence Vetrinary Hospital… Lawrence Quick-Stop Liquor & Gas. Then cut to the funeral services for his father…tears and black dashikis have came out in strong numbers]

This Week In Rock: Tardiness is SO Rock’n’Roll Monday, March 5, 2007

Posted by Greek McPapadopoulos in F*ck, this has a lot of links!, Greek McPapadopoulos, I like my sugar with coffee and cream, I need to stop drinking so much, I'm hot for Alternative Rock, music, Posts that should have more humor.

Hey, sometimes you get busy, and your obligations to the online literati do not get met (I have no idea if literati is appropriate, but I like the sound of it). This week, a couple of HUGE bands announce new albums, the record industry does not conglomerate further, Brits give awards, and Kanye West proves to be a dick. So, fans of the White Stripes, Beastie Boys, Bjork, and The Postal Service should continue on after the jump–everyone else, you’re free to go, sorry for the holdup.


I.O.W.T.M.E.A. Issue 2: Future2Future Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Posted by lingeringbursitis in I need to stop drinking so much, IOWTMEA, Lingering Bursitis.

IOWTMEA is not just a feature, it is an ethos. Over the course of my life so far, I’ve ingested a lot of music. I’ve written extensively about it. I’ve geeked out about it. It’s the epicenter of my life, and it’s done the job of nurse, camp counselor, confidante, lover, child, parent, brother, acquaintance and godknowswhatelseholyshitisitimportanttome. And with that has come a shadowy corner of my collection, a dark, shameful spot full of music that shouldn’t have grabbed me by the collar but did.

Welcome to IOWTMEA: I Own Way Too Many Embarrassing Albums.

In this issue: a musical icon teams up with several other jazz legends for a modern jazz-fusion record, and the end result? Absolutely fucking shite.


Music you can fuck to – A deeper look at NFL Primetime Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Posted by lingeringbursitis in Hot sex, I need to stop drinking so much, Lingering Bursitis, more indepth than probably need-be, music, Reasons why I am single, Synthesizers.

Jan Hammer can impregnate you with his mind

Despite the relative green-ness of our site so far, it’s never too early to bring some kind of fire. At my other blog, I get a lot of random, weird music sent to me, and this morning, I was given perhaps the best treasure chest of all. Whether it had something to do with the romance of the day or not is debatable, but I am certain that this is music for cunnilingus, fellatio, or impregnation. It will warm the cockles of anyone, from young to old, because frankly, its relentless pace and peaks are irresistible.

It’s some NFL Primetime music, instrumental-style. Anything you hear underneath the dulcet, subtle tones of Chris Berman [one might argue that if these tracks had his voice, the chances of sexual pleasure are greater, and I might well agree].

I’d love to think that these were not composed by some balding, sweaty man in a dank basement with a synthesizer and some electronic drums borrowed from Toto, but by some kind of supergroup, the kind of genre-bending assemblage that defies categorization [think: the shameful band of mercenaries that do the Monday Night Football intro song]. You can hear the energy dripping off the walls [or is that something else?], not to mention the arousing thought of your favorite franchise as it marches into the endzone.

However, each is subtlely different, and connotes wildy contrasting situations. As any football coach knows, calling the right play at the right time is important, and song choice is no different. Trying to get your loved one to try anal while listening to Limp Bizkit or Jimmy Buffett will almost certainly result in failure, and at DeadOn, failure does not exist.

So, let’s take a look at the NFL Primetime music in a whole new way. Come with me into the abyss, into a world that might change yours forever. (more…)

Weekend Rocker. Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Posted by imclearlynotalesbiandespitemythumbring in 90s rock, I need to stop drinking so much, sublime, YouTube.
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So, I promised myself not to post, again, ’til I have something top-notch to contribute. (That way, you’d be spared my nattering.) As it turns out, though, I noticed no Sunday update — due this being the day of rest for the Christians (of whom I would imagine most DeadOn-ers are?), possibly. So, an update.

 I apologize in advance.