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Live! Hot! Txxxt! with…The Secretary Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Posted by cdnmoose in CDNMoose, Filler material, Hot sex, just some poor attempts at humor.
4 comments

Live! Hot! Txxxt!
Browsing the tubes last night, I came across an ad for Virgin Mobile’s Promiscuous Text service (http://letshavetxt.com).

And hey, with the rising price of escorts (I blame oil prices, the mortgage crisis and a single John Stamos), and my paranoia that the Tamil Tigers are monitoring my house phone (don’t ask, but it means I can’t dial 900 numbers anymore), I am limited in the number of ways to exercise my God-given right to get my freak on with total strangers.

Thank God then, friends, because the final fronteir is here: clumsy phone sex through T9.

Now, I have no idea if Virgin’s network is truly more efficient at carrying saucy text messages than the other guys’, but whatever. They seem to think it’s a high enough differentiator for their service to the point that they’ve put up a site to allow you to carry on a txt conversation with one of seven fantasy personas, I guess as if you were on the Virgin Network (except without the video…and sound…and keyboard…)

The SecretaryOf course, being a live sex phone operator is probably a pretty crappy job (having *so* many orgasms all day, it must be exhausting and so very, very dehydrating). So, I naturally assumed that there wasn’t an actual person on the other end of the chat, but a sexxxed-up computer ready to do Richard Branson’s bidding.

Did I txt a human? A computer? And most importantly: was it a boy computer or a girl computer? Could s/he *feel* my absolute sexitude bound by 162-character-max messages?

So come on in and decide for yourself as you watch the actual txt conversation I had last night as I gave THE SECRETARY the big O, like, 15 times after the jump…

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DeadOn Holiday Advent Calendar Friday, December 14, 2007

Posted by athleticsupporter in CDNMoose, jerkwheat, Jesus confusion, JukeboxHero, Lady Andrea, liveblog.
1 comment so far

holly - christmassy shitEvery week, leading up to Jebus’ birthday, I am going to be pulling a couple choice lines out of a long-lost DeadOn Liveblog that never saw the light of day. The game is simple… After the post each week, post your guesses as to what the movie is that we liveblogged.

We had some good guesses last week, but nothing correct. So here are another 5 lines from the liveblog to help narrow down the movie.

Jukeboxhero: Not Kobra Kai material

Andrea: I like it when it hurts a little

Jerkwheat: how do you watch my sex tape? I filmed it in b&w to make it seem classier?

LidleFlightClass: like seriously though. Man Who to Fell Earth. David Bowie bites a girl in the ass while having sex with her

CDNMoose: The disfigured men of NAMBLA loved this movie

I think this is probably the last week to make guesses, and I’ll post the actual liveblog sometime next week. So have at it and try to crack the puzzle!

DeadOn Holiday Advent Calendar Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Posted by athleticsupporter in athleticsupporter, CDNMoose, jerkwheat, Jesus confusion, JukeboxHero, Lady Andrea, liveblog.
6 comments

holly - christmassy shitEvery week, leading up to Jebus’ birthday, I am going to be pulling a couple choice lines out of a long-lost DeadOn Liveblog that never saw the light of day. The game is simple… After the post each week, post your guesses as to what the movie is that we liveblogged.

We are going to start with the first five lines, in no particular order.

CDNMoose: GLORY HOLE! x2!

Andrea: fellate himself?

Jerkwheat: he wants taco flavored kisses

Jukeboxhero: This is what goes on at guantanamo

AthleticSupporter: *imagines joey harrington and michael vick playing piano together… kinda like in “big” *

Also… once the correct porn movie is guessed I will post the funnied-up liveblog.

The 20 Most Cromulent Simpsons Episodes of All-Time: #1 Thursday, July 26, 2007

Posted by cdnmoose in CDNMoose, the simpsons, total cromulence.
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36 comments


The Simpsons Movie” arrives tomorrow, and (perhaps foolishly) I have much hope.

Doing recaps of the Cromulent 20 has made my earlier cynicism vanish like Dr. Nick’s confidence at a malpractice trial, and I just can’t friggin’ wait to be in the theatre to see it all unfold.

To see if the movie will take us back to the ’90s when the show was absolutely a must-see event on Sunday…er…Thursday nights.

However, since the movie opens up tomorrow, it also brings us to the close of the big list. The list that started so “controversially” with the softball episode in the #20 slot.

Yes, SA and I know we left off some deserving episodes (I slapped my head after realizing we didn’t have any Fat Tony episodes (“Homer the Clown” or “Bart the Murderer” would both have been deserving choices), no Duffman, no Truckasaurus, no fishbulb, no eight-babied Apu, no Burns’ Heir, no Homer going on fat-guy disability on purpose…

The fact is, the show probably has 50 *great* episodes over its run, and 100 very, very good ones. They couldn’t all make the Cromulent 20.

But 19 others did, and SA’s recap of One Fish shows that it was very deserving of the #1 slot on its own, but when it came right down to it, there’s only one word that deserves to be here in the #1 spot, and most of you know exactly what that one word is…

Monorail.

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The 20 Most Cromulent Simpsons Episodes of All-Time: #4 Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Posted by cdnmoose in CDNMoose, the simpsons, total cromulence.
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4 comments


Sweet, merciful crap, people. Don’t you realise that “The Simpsons Movie” opens next week?

Can you see that I am serious?

(No, don’t get too excited– this isn’t the fishbulb episode…that didn’t make the cut for the Cromulent 20).

Instead, this episode is really one of the bigs, especially the third act. It’s got great (albeit short) songs, has character development (of sorts) and has some great laughs, too.

Anyway, quick post today, so let’s get right to the pirates, drunks and whores.
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The Most Cromulent Simpsons Episodes of All-Time: #6 Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Posted by cdnmoose in CDNMoose, the simpsons, total cromulence.
Tags: ,
12 comments


You did too miss us. Admit it.

You’ve been sitting alone in your house, rocking back and forth in your comfy chair wondering if there really are 20 Cromulent Simpsons episodes, or were there just 14.

Really. It’s okay to cry.

Well, after a comedy-of-errors layoff for a couple of weeks, we’re back. That’s a good thing since we only have three (three!) more weeks until “The Simpsons Movie” hits on July 27th.

Soooo, we’re gonna do two episodes a week (on Tuesdays and Thursdays) for the next three weeks starting today with the sixth-most Cromulent episode ever.

It’s got my all-time favourite and goofy B-story and an A-story that will resonate with anyone who’s ever been an eternally-10-years-old cartoon boy.

Oh, and probably anyone else who’s ever had a first love who eradicated their heart by falling for a good-looking rebel who plays by his own rules.

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The Most Cromulent Simpsons Episodes of All-Time: #6(ish) Thursday, June 28, 2007

Posted by cdnmoose in CDNMoose, the simpsons.
1 comment so far

Hey, gang,

Mondo apologies, but this week’s entry has been delayed, unless the Sony stooge restoring my laptop as we speak figures out how to post to WordPress from a DOS prompt.

I don’t even have anything to leave you in it’s stead, other than to give you a hint as to what the episode is…

Hmmmm….Too many easy clues. Way too many…

Here are a few things in the episode: Captain McAllister, divorcees, two guest voices from sitcoms from back in the day and, of course, flour. I’m sure at least one of y’all can figure it out.

See you later tonight, or as soon as the tech has casted Level 5 Resurrection on my supposed wonder of technology.

Yes, yes, I know…

[CDNMoose] <– lame.

Telephone Fanfiction: Walker, Texas Ranger Monday, June 18, 2007

Posted by Suss-- in athleticsupporter, BowdenBowdenBowden, CDNMoose, Clare, Holly/Magnolia, Lady Andrea, Len Bias Cocaine Surplus, Lingering Bursitis, SA, suss, The Fan's Attic, Things too long to read, undergroundBTO, Yostal.
32 comments

walkerfanfic.jpg

So, remember that summer camp variant of the Telephone game where one person would tell the beginning of a story, then the next person would continue the story, and so on until the story devolved into the world’s longest poo joke? (Note: the “longest” describes the joke, not the poo. At least at my summer camp.”)

So we decided to play that game as much older children, with not only a wider vocabulary but an extremely more sophisticated gutter mind.

Surprisingly, the word “roundhouse” was used only three times. Twice by CDNMoose.

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The 20 Most Cromulent Simpsons Episodes of All-Time: #8 Thursday, June 14, 2007

Posted by cdnmoose in CDNMoose, the simpsons, total cromulence, TV.
Tags: , , ,
12 comments

Holy Hannah, we’re getting down there. We’re 9 6 weeks away from “The Simpsons Movie” and I gotta tell ya, I’m starting to get all tingly. Moreso than usual, I mean.

This week’s episode is a personal favourite (and if we were doing things “that way”, I’d probably have it at #2 or #3). It’s a perfectly packed 22 minutes of joy, bearclaw slippers, questionable kitchen recipies, ’70s car chases and paths that should lead to damnation, but don’t.

Sound like fun? Of course it does. And this quote from the writer of the episode tells us all we need to know…or something.

“I read that several ministers and theologans praised this show. When I heard that, I felt that I had failed” — George Meyer

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DeadOn Goes To The Movies: Ocean’s Thirteen Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Posted by The Fan's Attic in athleticsupporter, CDNMoose, Lady Andrea, Lingering Bursitis, movies, new movie reviews, Posts that should have more humor, SML's website is higher ranked than The Fan's Attic, The Fan's Attic.
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13 comments

As the summer movie season rolls along, we here at DeadOn are committed to giving our readers critical, well-thought analysis (well, it’s analysis at least) because we don’t want you to waste your hard-earned money on bad movies, long lines and spending time with inordinate amounts of teenagers. That and we can’t get enough of seeing our own words in the blogosphere. We are bound and determined to be the eyes and ears for our readers…. Well, at least the eyes and ears for the 85 other writers on this website, who account for most of our readers.

The big movie this week is the latest installment of the Ocean’s… series, Ocean’s Thirteen starring a shit-ton of people who you probably have seen before. So, without further ado….

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The Sopranos: “Made In America” Monday, June 11, 2007

Posted by cdnmoose in CDNMoose, The Sopranos, TV.
Tags: , ,
15 comments

Bada Bing!Series finales are prickly beasts, everyone knows that. The disappointments of the finales of so many of TVs classic series have left bad tastes in everyone’s mouths (they’re like the “Arby’s” of episodes).

And wrapping up six wonderful years of the intertwined spaghetti that is The Sopranos would have been pretty impossible (and probably not even desirable), but it was made especially tough having so much “setup” in the past few episodes.

So, that being said, I was expecting a lot of loose ends and things to be left alone last night with no definite closure to most of the characters…

So why am I ultimately a bit disappointed (but not enormously so)? Well, I’ve got two words and two initials for you: “fake suspense” and “A.J.”

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DeadOn Goes To The Movies: Knocked Up Monday, June 4, 2007

Posted by The Fan's Attic in athleticsupporter, CDNMoose, comedy, goathair, Lingering Bursitis, new movie reviews, Posts that should have more humor, SML's website is higher ranked than The Fan's Attic, The Fan's Attic, Things I Wrote At My Real Job.
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7 comments

As the summer movie season rolls along, we here at DeadOn are committed to giving our readers critical, well-thought analysis because we don’t want you to waste your hard-earned money on bad movies, long lines and spending time with inordinate amounts of teenagers. That and we can’t get enough of seeing our own words in the blogosphere. We are bound and determined to be the eyes and ears for our readers…. Well, at least the eyes and ears for the 85 other writers on this website, who account for most of our readers.

The big movie this week the latest raunchy comedy from Judd Apatow, Knocked Up, starring Katherine Heigl and Seth Rogen and a bunch of other people you’ve probably seen in other Apatow movies. So, without further ado…. (more…)

The Sopranos: “The Blue Comet” Monday, June 4, 2007

Posted by cdnmoose in CDNMoose, The Sopranos, TV.
Tags: ,
5 comments

Bada Bing!Sorry, don’t have much time today (you lucky bastards), and unfortunately, we have much to discuss. Tons o’ fun went on last night in the land of gardens and big hair.

In the penultimate Sopranos, we were “treated” to much death, maiming, anger, guilt and emo self-loathing. Let’s check it out.

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Playoff Beard Update: Pseudo-Brush With Celebrity(ish) Sunday, June 3, 2007

Posted by cdnmoose in CDNMoose, hoc-key?.
Tags: ,
18 comments

Hey, it’s Sunday and the Sopranos is still an hour away.

Thought I’d share this — taken at the pre-game party out at the arena before the big “What the Hell, let’s make it a series” win by the Senators last night.

The Bachelor meets the Playoff Beard:

The Beardchelor

For the record…no, he never did pull my finger.

I may be biased, but I know who *I* think is sexier…

The Most Cromulent Simpsons Episodes of All-Time: #10 Thursday, May 31, 2007

Posted by cdnmoose in CDNMoose, the simpsons, total cromulence, TV.
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13 comments

Not since Navin R. Johnson got the new phonebook has anyone been so excited over something so…uneventful.

And yet I can’t help but fake-scream: The Top 10 is here! The Top 10 is here!

Yes my friends, this is a very special entry indeed. Not only are we cracking the Top Ten, but we’re a mere 64 sleeps until “The Simpsons Movie” arrives.

In bonus news, 64 is *by far* my favourite centred triangular number. By. Far.

Anyway, today’s entry contains a 50-second section that I still look at and smile, but at the time I know I watched with actual tears streaming down my actual face. Man, that was fun-nay back in the day.

To find out what makes me cry (other than the dolphins), please come with me and we will debate why Germany is a superpower, despite not getting money from the US.

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DeadOn Goes To The Movies Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Posted by The Fan's Attic in athleticsupporter, BowdenBowdenBowden, CDNMoose, just some poor attempts at humor, Lady Andrea, more indepth than probably need-be, new movie releases, The Fan's Attic, Things too long to read.
14 comments

As the summer movie season rolls along, we here at DeadOn are committed to giving our readers critical, well-thought analysis because we don’t want you to waste your hard-earned money on bad movies, long lines and spending time with inordinate amounts of teenagers.  That and we can’t get enough of seeing our own words in the blogosphere.   We are bound and determined to be the eyes and ears for our readers….  Well, at least the eyes and ears for the 85 other writers on this website, who account for most of our readers. 

The big movie this week was Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World’s End starring Johnny Depp, Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom.  And without further ado…

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Table For Two? Better Make It One Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Posted by Suss-- in (You Didn't) Ask DeadOn, athleticsupporter, BowdenBowdenBowden, CDNMoose, Clare, goathair, jerkwheat, JukeboxHero, Lady Andrea, Len Bias Cocaine Surplus, Lingering Bursitis, suss, svpimh, The Fan's Attic, undergroundBTO, Yostal.
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29 comments

Three day weekend? You better believe we all participated in some kind of cookout. Or, failing that, we at least ate some kind of food with our loved ones.

In one of the worst transitional nut grafs in (You Didn’t) Ask DeadOn’s brief history, we now bring you to this week’s question for the DeadOntourage:

What restaurant would cause you to break up with your significant other if they didn’t like eating there?

In actuality, no committed relationships were fractured in the making of this week’s installment. Any recent breakups are purely coincidental and we hold no responsibility for hearts broken.

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Playoff Beards Don’t Lie: Finals Preview Monday, May 28, 2007

Posted by cdnmoose in CDNMoose, hoc-key?.
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3 comments

Sens 1927 Stanley Cup RingBecause the Stanley Cup Finals start tonight, because it’s a slooow Holiday day at DeadOn’s U.S. offices, because Deadspin has a “real” finals preview up, and because there was no new “Sopranos” last night (I felt the need to post *something*), I bring you today’s news in playoff beards.

You see, I’m a Canadian, and I’m a big hockey fan (which may of course be redundant) and every year, I grow a playoff beard to support my team (before you ridicule me as being totally retarded, I have three words for you: Cindy Lou Who).  

“So, Moose…who’s your team?”

Before I answer that, here’s some quick back story: Vancouver got the Canucks soon after I was born in Victoria. Calgary and Edmonton got teams right when I moved to Red Deer (aka “the piss break when driving between Calgary and Edmonton”). Then I moved to Ottawa in ’92, right when the Senators came into our lives. As such, I am routinely scouted by the cities of Portland, Las Vegas and Kansas City to move there for expansion purposes (you should see the gift baskets).

Anyway, yeah, I’ve lived in Ottawa exactly as long as the team has been here, and have been a season ticket holder since day one. I travel to see them on the road whenever I can and as such, I have been booed, punched and, yes, pissed on in enemy rinks all across North America for wearing Sens colours. Good times, indeed.

In short, I am a pretty enormous Sens fan (in both team passion and in overall girth).  

As a fan of hockey’s “playoff chokers”, that means most years the beard never makes it past the “whispy awkward teenager” stage as the Senators wave to the teams passing them on their journey to the cup. This year? I’m a friggin’ lumberjack (and that’s okay). And though I cannot wait to shave off this itchy motherfucker, the fact that it is getting nice and bushy is a growing good news omen for my favourite team (with each passing day, it makes me look a little more like Happy Gilmore’s caddy…but, you know, fatter).

Oh, fun fact: I married my wife expressly because her Grandfather won a Stanley Cup ring with the 1927 Ottawa Senators that has been passed down to her (pictured, above). It’s my dowry.

Anyway, here’s a Senators finals preview, in case you’re stuck at work and bored today…

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The Sopranos: “The Second Coming” Monday, May 21, 2007

Posted by cdnmoose in CDNMoose, The Sopranos.
Tags: ,
3 comments

Bada Bing!Short recap/comments today for several reasons:

  1. I was so bitter after The Simpsons #400 “extravaganza”, I was in no mood to be toyed with,
  2. The HBO fuckers toyed with me, anyway, giving me even more setup (because you can’t have enough of that) with only a couple of high points last night,
  3. I’m still pretty hungover from watching the hockey game Saturday afternoon, and
  4. I’m in the middle of a 5-day weekend. I should be outside frolicking with nature (probably naked).

So let’s make this quick…I have pants to shed.

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So Your Favorite Show Was Cancelled? Uncancel It Monday, May 21, 2007

Posted by Suss-- in athleticsupporter, Baba Oje, BowdenBowdenBowden, CDNMoose, Clare, gordonshumway, Holly/Magnolia, jerkwheat, JukeboxHero, Lady Andrea, Len Bias Cocaine Surplus, Lingering Bursitis, Precious Roy, Recently Cancelled TV shows, SA, suss, The Fan's Attic, tuffy, TV, undergroundBTO, Yostal.
37 comments

Time once again for the round table discussion that’s sweeping the nation — and until as our GED gets here in the mail, the floors at a Hardee’s near you — “(You Didn’t) Ask DeadOn.”

Most of our favorite TV shows have already gone through their season finale. And in some somber cases, series finale. Remember the last episode of Cheers? I was so sad when I saw it. Of course, I saw it on Nick at Nite years later, because the gravity of a sitcom set in a bar airing its final show didn’t really strike a 10-year-old the way it should.

In futile times like this, it’s best to pretend we have some kind of bureaucratic power over the television companies and give a slain show a chance. Which brings us to this week’s (You Didn’t) Ask DeadOn question:

“You can bring back one TV show from extinction for one more season. What do you pick?”

I hope I’m not ruining the suspense for anyone: Nobody said Caroline in the City. (more…)