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Telephone Fanfiction: Walker, Texas Ranger Monday, June 18, 2007

Posted by Suss-- in athleticsupporter, BowdenBowdenBowden, CDNMoose, Clare, Holly/Magnolia, Lady Andrea, Len Bias Cocaine Surplus, Lingering Bursitis, SA, suss, The Fan's Attic, Things too long to read, undergroundBTO, Yostal.
32 comments

walkerfanfic.jpg

So, remember that summer camp variant of the Telephone game where one person would tell the beginning of a story, then the next person would continue the story, and so on until the story devolved into the world’s longest poo joke? (Note: the “longest” describes the joke, not the poo. At least at my summer camp.”)

So we decided to play that game as much older children, with not only a wider vocabulary but an extremely more sophisticated gutter mind.

Surprisingly, the word “roundhouse” was used only three times. Twice by CDNMoose.

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DeadOn Goes To The Movies Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Posted by The Fan's Attic in athleticsupporter, BowdenBowdenBowden, CDNMoose, just some poor attempts at humor, Lady Andrea, more indepth than probably need-be, new movie releases, The Fan's Attic, Things too long to read.
14 comments

As the summer movie season rolls along, we here at DeadOn are committed to giving our readers critical, well-thought analysis because we don’t want you to waste your hard-earned money on bad movies, long lines and spending time with inordinate amounts of teenagers.  That and we can’t get enough of seeing our own words in the blogosphere.   We are bound and determined to be the eyes and ears for our readers….  Well, at least the eyes and ears for the 85 other writers on this website, who account for most of our readers. 

The big movie this week was Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World’s End starring Johnny Depp, Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom.  And without further ado…

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Table For Two? Better Make It One Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Posted by Suss-- in (You Didn't) Ask DeadOn, athleticsupporter, BowdenBowdenBowden, CDNMoose, Clare, goathair, jerkwheat, JukeboxHero, Lady Andrea, Len Bias Cocaine Surplus, Lingering Bursitis, suss, svpimh, The Fan's Attic, undergroundBTO, Yostal.
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29 comments

Three day weekend? You better believe we all participated in some kind of cookout. Or, failing that, we at least ate some kind of food with our loved ones.

In one of the worst transitional nut grafs in (You Didn’t) Ask DeadOn’s brief history, we now bring you to this week’s question for the DeadOntourage:

What restaurant would cause you to break up with your significant other if they didn’t like eating there?

In actuality, no committed relationships were fractured in the making of this week’s installment. Any recent breakups are purely coincidental and we hold no responsibility for hearts broken.

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All Roads Lead to DeadOn: Does the Fed adjust Schrutebuck interest rates? Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Posted by Will Li in Bloggers Gone Wild, BowdenBowdenBowden, Elric, hatchet jobs, Holy crap, making enemies of nice people, Search Strings, the office.
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13 comments

I thought her luck ran out after the Friends series finale.  This is not a Great Movie You May Have Missed.

It’s been an interested week here at DeadOn. On May 10th, someone with the Fark handle Erotic Tangerines linked DeadOn’s running feature “The 20 Most Cromulent Simpsons Episodes of All Time: #15” in a Fark thread, which got us some nice traffic. Thank you, Erotic Tangerines, and may your sensual citrus-ness be blessed with eternal succulence.

That said, a couple of salacious searches aside, our traffic the past couple days has been dominated by two denominations. Follow me after the jump for some leprechaun to unicorn conversion rates.

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So Your Favorite Show Was Cancelled? Uncancel It Monday, May 21, 2007

Posted by Suss-- in athleticsupporter, Baba Oje, BowdenBowdenBowden, CDNMoose, Clare, gordonshumway, Holly/Magnolia, jerkwheat, JukeboxHero, Lady Andrea, Len Bias Cocaine Surplus, Lingering Bursitis, Precious Roy, Recently Cancelled TV shows, SA, suss, The Fan's Attic, tuffy, TV, undergroundBTO, Yostal.
37 comments

Time once again for the round table discussion that’s sweeping the nation — and until as our GED gets here in the mail, the floors at a Hardee’s near you — “(You Didn’t) Ask DeadOn.”

Most of our favorite TV shows have already gone through their season finale. And in some somber cases, series finale. Remember the last episode of Cheers? I was so sad when I saw it. Of course, I saw it on Nick at Nite years later, because the gravity of a sitcom set in a bar airing its final show didn’t really strike a 10-year-old the way it should.

In futile times like this, it’s best to pretend we have some kind of bureaucratic power over the television companies and give a slain show a chance. Which brings us to this week’s (You Didn’t) Ask DeadOn question:

“You can bring back one TV show from extinction for one more season. What do you pick?”

I hope I’m not ruining the suspense for anyone: Nobody said Caroline in the City. (more…)

Lloyd Alexander 1924-2007 Saturday, May 19, 2007

Posted by Will Li in BowdenBowdenBowden, Elric, literature.
5 comments

I wondered at first whether it would be appropriate for me to contribute to DeadOn a post eulogizing my favorite children’s fiction author, Lloyd Alexander, who died this past Thursday. But then I realized that the best way for me to pay tribute to the man and his works is by sharing their influence and brilliance with others.

The High King

We talk about books here, as well as movies and TV, and I have to urge anyone who has never read his books to go out and read them, no matter how old or young you are. And if you enjoyed his books as a child, why not revisit them now?

I was going to praise him later this summer after the release of the last Harry Potter book, in sharing other authors whose works may be enjoyed if the reader enjoys J.K. Rowling, but I feel compelled to share now, in light of his passing. So follow me after the jump, as I detail the impact Lloyd Alexander had, and has, on my life.

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You Never Forget Your First Album, Despite Best Efforts Monday, May 7, 2007

Posted by Suss-- in (You Didn't) Ask DeadOn, albums, athleticsupporter, Baba Oje, BowdenBowdenBowden, CDNMoose, Clare, Holly/Magnolia, jerkwheat, JukeboxHero, Lady Andrea, Len Bias Cocaine Surplus, suss, svpimh, The Fan's Attic, undergroundBTO, Yostal.
45 comments

We here at DeadOn don’t purposely attempt to out-lame our fellow brethren and sistren. It just happens naturally, and rather often.

There’s no better Lame-O-Meter (hopefully pronounced “lame-AHM-uh-terr”) than one’s ownership of music and albums. Today one’s iPod nominally determines how often they should breed. But when we’re young and buy horrible music, it’s cute. Or something.

In the second installment of (You Didn’t) Ask DeadOn, the available suspects answer the pressing question of the first album (CD/tape/Victrola) they bought. It’s the perfect question to see where one’s taste began. They can try to lie (“Wait, no, the Friends soundtrack wasn’t my first album.”) but that first album is just unavoidable. We could lie, but nobody does that on the Internet.

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All Roads Lead to DeadOn: Rom Zom Com Edition Monday, April 30, 2007

Posted by Will Li in BowdenBowdenBowden, Elric, hatchet jobs, I need to stop drinking so much, just some poor attempts at humor, Search Strings.
4 comments

Brains!!

*Player 2 Has Entered the Game*

Ed: Don’t you have work, man?

*Player 2 Has Left the Game*

Shaun: I wouldn’t if this sod didn’t stumble in last night, going on about some bint who got him ramped after the match.

*nudges motionless form on floor*

Motionless form: *snore*

Shaun: As such, it seems as I’ll be penning this piss-head’s weekly ‘net column.

Ed: It writes?

Pete, walking down stairs: About as much as you work, Ed.

Ed: Don’t be a prick.

Pete: What was that?

Ed: I said, your mother’s a spic.

Pete: Fuck-all, I haven’t got the time for this. Unlike present company, I have responsibilities. Make sure that one doesn’t chunder on the rug, is all I ask.

And someone left the front door open, again!

*Door Slams*

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All Roads Lead to DeadOn: “Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate” Edition Monday, April 16, 2007

Posted by Will Li in "poetry", 7 deadly sins, BowdenBowdenBowden, Elric, Search Strings.
5 comments

Where Are the Sodomites Again?

So did my soul, that still was fleeing onward,
Turn itself back to re-behold the pass
Which never yet a living person left.

After my weary body I had rested,
The way resumed I on the desert slope,
So that the firm foot ever was the lower.

And lo! almost where the ascent began,
A panther light and swift exceedingly,
Which with a spotted skin was covered o’er!

And never moved she from before my face,
Nay, rather did impede so much my way,
That many times I to return had turned.

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Great Movies You Might Have Missed: Ginger Snaps Sunday, April 15, 2007

Posted by Will Li in bite the hand that feeds you, BowdenBowdenBowden, Elric, Great Movies You Might Have Missed, O Canada, Reasons why I am single.
3 comments

Think of the sequence of scenes in “Spiderman” where Peter Parker is just discovering his powers. He’s growing hair in strange places, he’s more or less bouncing off the walls, and best of all, he doesn’t have to get pushed around anymore at school. Those were probably some of the best scenes in either movie, because as tired as the “developing superhero/puberty onset” metaphor is, it just works.

Ginger Snaps

There’s something wildly empathetic about it, in that we’ve all gone through it to some degree, and there’s also something very vicarious in it, in that we’ve all dreamed about how it could have been.

Well, sometimes that dream turns into a nightmare, and as much as you pinch yourself, you can’t wake up. And the resulting message is much deeper than any good vs. evil, “along with great power comes great responsibility” conclusion. Thanks Uncle Ben, but it’s never that simple. Follow me after the jump for some good old-fashioned horror in Canadian lupine form.

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All Roads Lead to DeadOn: Bloody Mary Edition Monday, April 9, 2007

Posted by Will Li in BowdenBowdenBowden, Elric, Search Strings.
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8 comments

It’s been a couple weeks since I wrote this column, and I apologize for being remiss in providing search-string related attempts at humor.

And unfortunately for this iteration of All Roads…, not to mention my liver, this Easter weekend has been three days of overeating and overdrinking, which is very pious of me. In any case, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Hooray Hangover Bear!

Join me after the jump for Shakespeare, tits and trannies.

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Tip of the Hat: Google Sunday, April 1, 2007

Posted by Will Li in BowdenBowdenBowden, comedy, Elric, the balls.
3 comments

This is a bit random, but I wanted to give a Tip of my Hat to Google.

For their most cool April 1st, 2007 offer – free in-home wireless broadband internet!

I highly recommend everyone explore the offer. Personally, I think I may go with the Royal Flush package.

Great Movies You Might Have Missed: Topper Thursday, March 29, 2007

Posted by Will Li in BowdenBowdenBowden, Elric, Great Movies You Might Have Missed, movies, no snark?, Reasons why I am single.
7 comments

For my first “Great Movies You May Have Missed” review, I went overseas. But since I didn’t want to throw another subtitled film at our readers, I decided to go in another direction for my second review. Namely, back seven decades to 1937.

Topper

We all know Cary Grant for his refined personae with romanticized flaws (like grand larceny). It was a role he cultivated and perfected over several decades. But before his memorable work with Hitchcock (Notorious, North by Northwest, To Catch a Thief) and before his best known slapstick comedies (Bringing Up Baby, His Girl Friday), there was Topper, one of his slapstick comedies which is sadly overlooked today.

While it does not survive the test of time quite as well as Bringing Up Baby, Topper is nonetheless an entertaining movie that deserves a viewing, especially if one is a Cary Grant fan. And who isn’t?

Oh, Judy.

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All Roads Lead to DeadOn: Dancing Bear(s) Edition Monday, March 19, 2007

Posted by Will Li in BowdenBowdenBowden, Elric, making enemies of nice people, ncaa, Search Strings.
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13 comments

Since my bracket utterly busted yesterday when Wisconsin lost, I’ll be devoting this edition to what else, colleges (pre-jump picture to be explained later).

Radio

It was a slow week in searches, as most people were thinking about their brackets and the tournament. Still, we got some nice, random searches, like “asian guy who makes grillz,” “sliding tarp parties” (not to be confused with sliding larp parties or sliding tarp panties), and ” ‘300’ movie workout routines.” There’s an idea. Nothing makes you feel more physically inferior than a bunch of oiled-up Spartans – “THIS…IS…DEADLIIIIIFT!.”

After the jump, the two best searches we had this week, and my research into the sordid field of college nicknames.

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LovePhones and AltRock: (or, how I learned what a clitoris is and developed my taste for Nine Inch Nails) Friday, March 16, 2007

Posted by Will Li in 90s rock, BowdenBowdenBowden, Elric, I don't get out much, I'm hot for Alternative Rock, more indepth than probably need-be, Reasons why I am single, Wonderfully kinky.
6 comments

Like a lot of kids, I had a bedtime. Like a lot of kids, I didn’t really observe it. I did have to get in bed, but what I did after that was my own business. Don’t worry, despite my last All Road Leads to DeadOn post, this isn’t going to be about masturbation. But it is about Trent Reznor. And sex.

Radio

Follow me after the jump, and allow me to share some stories of sex ed and the best musical education a radio station could provide.

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All Roads Lead to DeadOn: “Trent Reznor’s 1978 Volvo 244GLE of Despair” Edition Monday, March 12, 2007

Posted by Will Li in bite the hand that feeds you, BowdenBowdenBowden, Elric, Search Strings.
4 comments

Pretty Hate Machine

Search Terms this week were fairly single minded – most people directed their attentions to our American Idol reviews, penned by Lady Andrea. In fact, the search “American Idol Results March 8” dominated searches this past Friday, the 9th.

Some were more focused than others, scouring the internets to find others who hated the same Idol contestants they did. These searches include “I hate Sunjaya,” “Where is Sunjaya getting votes from” and “Antonella sucks.”

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Guilty Pleasures: Soundtracks to bad movies from the mid-90’s Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Posted by Will Li in 90s rock, albums, BowdenBowdenBowden, Elric, guilty pleasures, I don't get out much, making enemies of nice people, more indepth than probably need-be, music, my turn to get music snobby, Reasons why I am single, Things I Wrote At My Real Job, Things too long to read.
31 comments

Let’s face it – the compilation movie soundtrack is a bit of a cop-out when it comes to buying music. Flying in the face of the concept of the coherent album, the movie soundtrack (the compilation variety, mind you, not the Morricone or Vangelis type) is usually little more than an amalgam of songs that may or may not be played during the movie for more than a few seconds each. When you buy a soundtrack, you’re usually just submitting yourself to the director’s musical tastes or placing yourself at the mercy of a record label exec with the word ‘synergy’ tattooed over the part of the frontal lobe normally responsible for conscience.

And yet, by my estimate, I own at least 30 compilation soundtracks, and probably another 15 instrumental ones.

So there are in fact two sources of guilt to this post (double the guilt, double the fun, right?).

First is the fact that I like some of these compilation soundtracks more than the CDs by the artists found on the soundtrack.

Second, although some (though not all) of the movies I’ll discuss were utterly craptacular, they could also be considered guilty pleasures.

Enough of the movies, I’ll warrant, are probably beloved by various DeadOn readers, something I’ll argue is largely in part due to the soundtracks, so I’m looking forward to some lively invectives in the comments. Don’t disappoint me.

Join me after the break for guilt and cookies.

Okay, maybe just guilt.

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All Roads Lead to DeadOn: “No buttplug (though pretty much everything else)” edition Monday, March 5, 2007

Posted by Will Li in BowdenBowdenBowden, Elric, more indepth than probably need-be, Search Strings.
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12 comments

Oolong the Rabbit

Join me after the jump for a review of last week’s most sordid search strings. And some hot lagomorph action.

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All Roads Lead to DeadOn Monday, February 26, 2007

Posted by Will Li in BowdenBowdenBowden, Elric, Japanese girls without panties, Search Strings, Things I Wrote At My Real Job.
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15 comments

Aside from links from popular sports blogs, word of mouth and individuals stalking our female contributors, how do people find their way to DeadOn? In this weekly feature (future installments will post on Monday mornings), I’ll cover the most random and most amusing search strings that led people to our little corner of the eBays.

Follow me, after the jump

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Great Movies You Might Have Missed: Tampopo Friday, February 23, 2007

Posted by Will Li in 80s, BowdenBowdenBowden, Elric, Great Movies You Might Have Missed, movies, no snark?, Reasons why I am single, Things I Wrote At My Real Job, Wonderfully kinky.
6 comments

Here at DeadOn, we see it as our duty not only to tell you what’s going on right now in the world of entertainment and pop culture, but also to draw your attention to past movies or music which you may not have seen, or may not even have heard of. In this occasional column, your DeadOn contributors will be reviewing their favorite movies that never garnered much attention in the United States or were simply underrated, unappreciated and/or forgotten.

Trust us when we say that these films are well worth the effort; not because you might be able to feel artsy and be pretentious dicks to your friends (if you want to be a dick, these films may be of use to you too, somehow), but because they are truly some of the most entertaining, interesting, and thought-provoking pieces of cinema out there.

We’ll start with what I consider one of the funniest, most sensual movies ever made – the 1985 Japanese film “Tampopo.”

Tampopo

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