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Ask Tuffy – Hit Any Key Tuesday, October 9, 2007

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Hit Any Key to Continue

Dear Tuffy,

I got a new computer at work a few weeks ago since my old computer started moving so slowly that I could start opening a Word file, step outside for a cigarette and a brief land war in Asia, and then come back just in time to start working.

Unfortunately, the new computer has been nothing but trouble since I brought it home. It freezes up whenever I try to watch a video. I can’t play any games without the screen getting all garbled and having to restart, too. When I put a DVD in, it spins until I can smell melting Lucite. However, I never get to see the movie.

I can’t seem to find any answers online and tech support hasn’t been very helpful; how do I fix this?

Garbled in Galensberg

Dear Garbo, (more…)

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Ask Tuffy – Kind Words of Hate Tuesday, October 2, 2007

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Case in Point

Dear Tuffy,

I’m in an awkward situation, Tuffy, and I need your help. I bit the bullet and asked my old boss, who I HATED, for a recommendation because the job I really want asked me to get one. The old boss, as usual, was completely unaware that I wanted her to die in a hail of fire ants and syphillis. She’ll do it for me, but she wants me to write one for her, too. (Gee; they don’t want her anyone? I’m too shocked to write another word.)

I really don’t want to write this recommendation, but I really want the job. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Riled in Reseda

Dear Riley, (more…)

Ask Tuffy – iMazing! Sunday, September 23, 2007

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Silly snake

Ask Tuffy has an exciting announcement to make. Through my covert network of readers (hi Mom!), I have discovered an amazing product that will soon hit the market. Now you, gentle reader, will find out about this astonishing new development in an Ask Tuffy exclusive here only on DeadOn for Dick Clark Productions. (more…)

Ask Tuffy – Tastes like bulging Sunday, September 16, 2007

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Boys will be boys

Dear Tuffy,

I admit it; I’ve become lax in eating right and working out. Still, I don’t feel too motivated to do much about it. I don’t think I look that bad, frankly. I feel okay, too. When should I consider getting back to the dip in the dieting roller coaster?

Sincerely,
Wobbly but Not Down in Walla Walla

Dear Wobbly, (more…)

Ask Tuffy – Now spit! Sunday, September 9, 2007

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I love that dirty water

Dear Tuffy,

I recently was presented with quite a dilemma. There had been an accident outside my apartment, and the water line was broken. I went to perform my nightly brushing, and the water was brown. I’m not talking like slightly murky water like you see in a tequila bottle, but I’m talking about something that you would expect to find in a New York sewer.

Dental health is important to me, and I searched for something that I could use in place of water, but orange juice seemed unwise, and Kool-Aid seemed like it would defeat the purpose of brushing. So I chose Diet Pepsi. I chose it for its low caloric content, and lack of cavity-inducing sugar.

My question to you is this: In place of water, what is the best fluid to brush your teeth with? Would an alcohol such as vodka or gin be good? Or should I stick to my proven Diet Pepsi method?

Sincerely,
Sally in Seville

Dear Sally,
(more…)

Ask Tuffy – Dress Like a Man My Son Sunday, August 26, 2007

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That’s how to rock the suit.
Dear Tuffy,

I have my first big job interview post-college coming up next week. It’s at a big office, so I know I have to dress up some. I’ve got a tie and dress shoes and stuff, but my dad wants me to go out and buy a suit. A tie and nice slacks should be enough, right? Do I really need a suit for a job interview or is my dad being old fashioned?

Overdressed in Oakland

Suspense ended: your father is right. While you were able to get through college with nothing fancier than your Al Davis Collection dress jumpsuit, it’s time to grow up, son. You need a suit anyway; take him up on his offer and become a man. A man owns a suit.

Besides, you’re going to need it again when your friends that are able to dress themselves get married and leave you behind by 25 to continue your perpetual childhood, playing with your Wii all night and drinking Schlitz while plotting the demise of the weekend manager at Circuit City who is totally holding you back because you don’t kick back part of your commission to him.

Avoid all that by purchasing the following: (more…)

Ask Tuffy – Bite Me? Sunday, August 19, 2007

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Orchid negro! It is good to see you!

Dear Tuffy,

I have a very serious problem; I need your help badly. See, I was gardening in the back yard the other day. I have these finicky orchids that are always dying, so I spend a lot of time out there. I’m out there working in the flower garden when I hear my neighbor struggling with a crate he had sent from his ex-pat son from Chile. So I head over and help him carry it in the house. (Turns out it was a bunch of books in Spanish about obscure Chilean history and food. Boring.)

However, while moving the crate, something crawled on my leg and took a chomp out of me. I swatted it off with my other foot and stomped the hell out of it, but it started getting pretty red and raw right away.

After a few days, I started to feel lazy all the time and not very hungry. I just wanted to lie in bed all day. So I called my doctor and went out to see him the next morning. He rubbed his chin and said “I see” a lot while he took pictures and blood samples and scrapings and I don’t remember what all else. He gave me this cream to make it feel better while I waited for the test results to return. It didn’t really help, but it was something.
(more…)

Ask Tuffy – Trading Partners Sunday, August 12, 2007

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Dear Tuffy,

I want to turn out the lights with my boyfriend and tell him that the party’s over. It’s been wonderful, but it’s time to move on.

However, we’re both in an excellent fantasy football league run by his friends (separate teams) that I dominate every year. On the other hand, his teams somehow find a way to finish at the back of the pack.

How do I stay in the league and move on with my love life? I need to know soon so I can work on my draft with a clear conscience.

Keeper in Kansas City

Dear Keeper,
(more…)

Ask Tuffy – Zip It Monday, August 6, 2007

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Dear Tuffy,

I found an old videotape in my parents’ video cabinet the other day where they had taped an episode of “Emergency!” off the television. (Apparently, my parents had a Mark Spitz obsession before I was born. This is a problem for another time.)

While watching the videotape, I saw this commercial for the Consumer Information Catalog in Pueblo, Colorado. Apparently, there was this place in the 1970s where a person could send a postcard and receive a catalog with a whole bunch of knowledge inside.

What was this place and what did they really do? What kind of information did they have?

Diving for Information in Delaware

Dear Diving, (more…)

Ask Tuffy – Ice Castles Sunday, July 29, 2007

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Dear Tuffy,

You seem to be pretty smart in the ways of science and alchemy, so I am writing to you in hopes that you can help me with a dream that I have been working on for many, many years. A dream so great, that if we can create it, it will bring us riches beyond our wildest dreams.

I am of course talking about –

The Water Slurpee.

In the dog days of summer, there is nothing on this green and blue marble we call home better than an ice cold Slurpee.

However, regular Slurpees are filled with sugar and calories and Blue Dye #17, and no one wants hang out with a hyped up fatty with blue teeth. Sometimes you can find Diet Pepsi Slurpees, but it’s usually in the spinner that is broken so it comes out all watery and not very Slurpee-like.

I’ve tried making Water Slurpees at home, but so far, it has not gone very well.

The first time I tried it, I just put a bowl of water in the freezer and then went back every 30 minutes with a fork and stirred up the forming ice to try to make the Water Slurpee that way, but after a couple of hours of doing that I lost track of time and fell asleep on the couch watching a Law & Order marathon on TNT. Next thing I knew, Chris Noth had been replaced by some guy who looked like he had coconut for a head and I had a bowl of frozen water.

The next time I thought I was on to something. I filled my blender with ice and then filled it half way with ice-cold water, just like when I get those Jose Cuervo margaritas in a jug. Well, I guess I wasn’t thinking about cold with cold, because when I hit “blend”, the cold water just stuck to the ice and I just got a blob in the bottom of the blender. I guess I needed another type of molecule or something in there so the H20 doesn’t mate with the other H20. I tried jabbing it with a spoon, but stupidly used one of my wooden spoons, which ended up getting ground up in the blades. Long story short, I ended up with a big ice cube with splinters.

(I thought about doing ice with hot water, but I once saw a ‘Better or Worse’ cartoon where the mom put cold water in a hot pitcher right out of the dishwasher and it broke and then bratty Michael and the dog Farley laughed at her. I’m already down a wooden spoon, and I don’t want to risk the blender too.)

Well, I’m rambling on and on here Tuffy, but if you could help me figure out a way to make Water Slurpees, I promise we can name then after you. Turpees or something. However, we’ll still split the riches.

Thanks for your help,
Turpees #1 Fan

Dear Turpee Fan Nonpareil,
(more…)

Ask Tuffy – Bad touch Sunday, July 22, 2007

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6 comments

Man hug!

Wherein Tuffy helps the needy and oblivious for cash and prizes…

“Dear Tuffy,

I am the proud father of a two-year-old boy, my first-born. As he has learned to walk and talk, I find he is a little hug machine. He often sneak attacks me with arms outstretched. I know I should be overjoyed, but I come from a stoic family where firm handshakes were the order of the day. Hugging is not just frowned upon; it was a prelude to an intervention.

How do I learn to hug my kid so I don’t act like he’s trying to get to my spleen through my back?

Signed,
Untouched in Utah”

As always, you have come to the right place, UU. Long-time fans of Ask Tuffy will certainly remember my three World Championships in Competitive Hugging in the late 90s. Those same elephants of memory will also remember my abrupt withdrawal from the 2000 championships and subsequent denouncement of the World Embrace Tour as a vile corruption of the original inventors of the hug, the Greek philosophers Snuglus and Gropion. (more…)

Ask Tuffy – I can has job? Sunday, April 29, 2007

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I hate these people so much.

Wherein Tuffy helps the needy and oblivious for cash and prizes…

“Dear Tuffy,

I have recently lost my job. Actually, I didn’t misplace my job so much as it was taken from me forcefully. I know I should be out looking for a new job, but I can’t even get out of bed some days. What can I do to get back into the job hunt?

Signed,
Moping in Milwaukee”

Don’t fret, Mo. Your predicament is all too common these days, what with the globalization and the immigration and the boogeyman and all that. Therefore, I’ve developed a program that will help you become gainfully employed again without having to leave your home. You will have to leave your bed, though; bedpans are messy and unsanitary. (more…)

Ask Tuffy – Give a Hoot Sunday, April 22, 2007

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I got your meme right here.

Wherein Tuffy helps the needy and oblivious for cash and prizes…

It has come to the attention of Ask Tuffy that a pretender to the throne has arisen under the cover of darkness. Apparently, the Wisconsin Humane Society has chosen to hitch their success to my star by naming their Eastern Screech Owl after yours truly and giving him a column.

Clearly, this tiny asio thinks he can flutter into my territory. You try to roll with the biped mammals and you better be ready to nurse your young and your wounds, Hootie and Your Column Blows. I’ll show you how we treat animals humanely around here, with the emphasis on human. As in, “we’re the humans; you can leave filling the inches to us and concentrate on blocking logging projects.”

This bird has clearly stolen my readers’ questions and tried pitifully to answer them, making the Hamlet monkeys seem productive and efficient. To treat my readers as they should be, I will reclaim my questions and answer them with all the skill a hairy bastard can bring to bear. (Bear, as in “we mammals stick together, so keep your head on a swivel, owl boy.”)

Does Tuffy like the bunny Fufu and pork chop sandwiches?
~Michele

Hey, Michele. Yeah, I once had a party where I invited Fufu over and we did have pork chop sandwiches as part of the catering. Here’s all you need to know about Fufu: dude can’t hold his liquor. After a couple Red Bull and vodkas, he was bouncing all over the place and shouting, “I will bop your heads now! Huh? How you like me now? I’m bopping you!” Then his heart exploded. Apparently, rabbits shouldn’t drink caffeine or alcohol. Dude should’ve known better.

Those pork chop sandwiches were good, though. It’s a shame that place went out of business. (more…)

Ask Tuffy – Episodes of love Sunday, April 15, 2007

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Love, exciting and new…

Wherein Tuffy helps the needy and oblivious for cash and prizes…

“Dear Tuffy,

For years, I fought constantly with my co-worker. We went at each other like cat and dog. Clearly, she had a completely different personality than me. We were incompatible in every way. We were always ending up in awkward situations that made it seem we were falling madly for each other when we clearly despised each other.

Naturally, we came to respect and admire each other over time. Eventually, we gave into the primal urges and consummated our long-postponed physical attraction. Since then, we have gotten married in a ceremony that was clearly outside our financial means and left the area to be married happily ever after.

However, now we find our relationship lacks the spark our earlier fighting provided. The natural tension has left our marriage and left us without passion and, frankly, out of ideas. What can we do to bring back the excitement in our relationship?

Signed,
Lost in LA”

It’s a common complaint, LoLA. It’s hard to keep interest up after many years in the same relationship, saying the same lines repeatedly. Each episode of your life seems less vibrant and more banal. While many people can live certain events over and over again, others can’t take the idea of being stuck in the past forever.

For you, LoLA, and others out there searching for ways to keep your relationship highly-rated and well-received, I recommend these techniques: (more…)

Ask Tuffy – Is Music Safe? Sunday, April 8, 2007

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This group has a wonderful plan for your life…

Wherein Tuffy helps the needy and oblivious for cash and prizes…

“Dear Tuffy,

I have an eight-year-old daughter and I’m worried she is exposed to too much sex and violence in the music on the radio. Worse, I don’t understand the slang in the songs these days; I’m afraid she’s hearing filth. What do I do? I don’t want to turn off the radio – how long can you talk to an eight-year-old before you bang your head on the steering wheel?

Signed,
Reneé Acton”

Mrs. Acton, your fears would be warranted if your precocious child was born when you were in the dark old days of popular music. In those days, Prince or Devo or Captain and Tennille could sing vile lyrics about disgusting acts without repercussions. While those same disgusting acts helped create your child, they are not appropriate for your child. (more…)

Ask Tuffy – Opening Day Sunday, April 1, 2007

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18 comments

Ryno

Welcome to a new feature where I assist the needy and oblivious for cash and prizes! This one’s from the archives, but I welcome your questions as well.

“Dear Tuffy,

How do I know if the boy I like likes me back? When should I let him go to second base?

Thanks!

Signed,
Pathetic”

This topic still roils debate for all ages. Superstitions and traditions abound. “Wait until the third date to score.” “Good girls don’t do that.” “I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.”

Normally, I wouldn’t tackle such a difficult topic in this limited space. However, no one has cast a truly analytical eye to the issue.

(Also, things are pretty dead around here on Sundays.)

With Opening Day a few hours away, this seems the perfect time to address this vexing issue. Using the performance analysis tools that brought us “Moneyball”, the 2004 World Champion Boston Red Sox, and conniption fits by Joe Morgan, I will demonstrate when a girl should let a boy head to second with a face-first slide (previously shown to be less likely to lead to injury than other slides).
(more…)