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The Hills: Season 5 Episode 1 – Season Premiere: Don’t Cry On Your Birthday Monday, April 6, 2009

Posted by Matt_T in the balls.
Tags: , , , , , ,

We’re baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! LC says this is the last one, but we’ll see.  Join me again after the jump for the nonsesne.

We actually start this week with Heidi and Stephanie having lunch, and Stephanie looks different.  I can’t exactly tell what it is but something is off.  Apparently Lauren’s birthday is coming up and Lo is throwing her a surprise party.  Heidi didn’t get an invite and is surprised since her and Lauren have been talking and texting.  Uh What?  I guess they have been talking since the finale.  Stephanie tells Heidi to come with her.  I’m sure this is going to end well.

Lo and Audrina are heading to pick up the cake and are talking about the birthday plans, something about getting a boat.  I hope they bring their FLIPPY FLOPPYS.  Lo says LC has no idea about the party.  Audrina says that she didn’t invite JustinBobby, the ring didn’t mean anything.  What a surprise.  Audrina says that she doesn’t want any drama on LC’s day, so she didn’t invite him.  Lo says that she didn’t invite Heidi.  She tells Audrina that Heidi has been texting and calling Lauren, and basically trying to put herself into LC’s life.

We flash forward to a limo for OMG GIRLS NIGHT OUUUUUUUUUTTTT.  I guess this is how they are surprising LC.  Lo is trying to pop a bottle of champagne.  Poppin bottles y’all!  This leads to some innuendo filled discussion about the bottles.  Lauren likes to shoot it, it causes a mess, but its more fun.  I’m sure the writer of this line thought he was very clever.  The girls all toast to GNO!

Heidi and Stephanie are getting ready, and Heidi is worried she’ll get thrown off the boat.  Stephanie asks if Heidi has told anyone she’s coming and Heidi says no, she hasn’t even told Spencer.  On cue Spencer comes up and asks where they are going.  She starts to say its a GNO and Stephanie planned it, but Stephanie doesn’t cover for her.  Spencer figures out she’s gong to see Lauren and he says he has a guys night to get back to.

Back to the party, and Audrina and Lo lead Lauren somewhere blindfolded.  And behind the curtain is the douchebag patrol.  Heyyyyyyy its Brodie and Frankie.  They get ready to surprise LC and they scream surprise and OMG y’all she was so suprised.  Time to party and gamble says Frankie.  Happy birthday too.

Spencer’s guy night is him and some sketchy guy with some super cool ironic hipster moustache.  I think his name is Charlie, and he calls Spencer out for checking out the bartender.  Spencer asks, what kind of shots they should have and the bartender suggests Patron.  How original!  Spencer tells the bartender that the last time he had tequilla he got married, but it was in Mexico.  He asks her if she knew that wasn’t legal for the US.  She laughs and says of course silly, everyone knows that.  Spencer takes the shot and starts dancing in his stool.  Bartender says she can tell its going to be a long night.

Back to the party and Heidi and Stephanie stroll in late, and Heidi hopes they didn’t miss the surprise.  Whoops, they missed the surprise, and everyone gives them the evil eye when they stroll in.  Heidi makes a big show of saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY and hugs Lauren.  Lo walks over to Stephanie, and Stephanie asks if its okay, but Heidi really wanted to come.  Oh yeah, that’s a good reason to crash a party.  Lo says, well she’s here now, so that’s that.  And as she’s saying this the boat just so happens to leave the dock.  Ruh roh, they’re stuck there.  Lauren comes over to Lo and Stephanie and asks which of the two of them invited Heidi.  Whoops.  Stephanie starts to say something and Lauren cuts her off and says she knows Lo wouldn’t and she was just trying to be nice.  LC sips her drink and gives her the stink eye.

Heidi asks Audrina if she thinks its okay and Audrina thinks its ok.  Whoops.  Stephanie asks LC if they should leave.  Genius, LC says we’re in the harbor.  Stephanie says that she wasn’t trying to get involved.  Wut?  Steph, you’re the one that invited Heidi.  Stephanie says that she wants LC to see that there’s more to Heidi than Spencer and Heidi still cares about LC.  LC doesn’t really want to hear it, she’s still with Spencer, and that’s fine, but they can’t be friends.

While that conversation is going on, Lo pulls Heidi aside and says that LC doens’t want her there.  Heidi says that she’s there without Spencer and wants to be LC’s friend.  Lo tells her that at some point she needs to let it go.  Lo, the voice of reason, yet again.

Back to Spencer’s guys night out, and he and Charlie are taking shots with Stacie the bartender, and hey look its Cameron, Stephanie’s ex boyfriend.  Weird.  What a strange coincidence.  Spencer tells Stacie that’s his sister’s ex and he hates him and he’s going to go over there and prove just how macho he is.  Charlie says ‘do work’  I don’t know what that means, but thanks Charlie.  Spencer goes waltzing over to Cameron, and he asks how Spencer’s sister is.  He says he heard they broke up.  They have some odd conversation about the bartender.  And Spencer goes back to awkwardly hit on her some more.  She says her favorite song to dance to is Pour Some Sugar on me, and it makes her want to strip.  Spencer calls her naughty, and I puked.  Cameron is taking this all in and is texting under the table.  I bet he’s trying to snitch on Spencer.

Back to the boat, and they bring out a cake for Lauren.  Heidi is moping in the corner, while Audrina and Stephanie play some game.  And in another strange coincidence, right at that moment Cameron texts Stephanie, and says that Spencer is trying to hook up with some girl.  Heidi comes over, and wants to know what’s up.  Stephanie says that they are with some girls trying to hook up.  Audrina says that Stephanie was stretching the truth and to read the text.  The text just said that Spencer was flirting with girls.  Heidi gets pissed and says she wants off the boat.

Audrina comes over and tells LC what’s going on.  Audrina says that Heidi and Stephanie left.  Lauren says how could they leave they’re on a boat.  Duh!  LC says that she’s going to go see what’s going on.  Heidi finally gets ahold of Spencer and immediately asks him if he’s flirting with a bartender and taking shots.  LC has walked up at this point and is just shaking her head.  Spencer denies it and wants to know where this is coming from.  Heidi tells him its Cameron, and Spencer says he’s going to go kick his ass.

Charlie tells Spencer that he should just forget it, but nah, Spencer needs to go prove how tough, manly and macho he is.  He takes a swig of water, and goes over and asks to speak to Cameron.  Spencer wants to know what’s going on.  Cameron says that he told Stephanie that he was flirting with a bartender, because that’s what he was doing.  Spencer tells Cameron not to smile, because he’s all up in his business now.  Spencer tells him to hit him, so he can kick his ass.  Wut?  Spencer takes off his jacket.  OH NO.  And he calls Cameron, Dawg.  Spencer keeps yelling at him to touch him, and Cameron says nah, he’s not going to do that, and right then Spencer throws a punch.  Woah.  They throw a few punches and shoves before they get separated.  Cameron is actually bleeding.

Back to the boat, and Heidi is shaking when she comes back.  All of the sudden news comes out that Spencer punched Cameron out of nowhere.  Brody is laughing about it.  Heidi is freaking out and trying to get off the boat.  LC goes up and comforts her.  Heidi says she doesn’t know what to do and what to think about Spencer.  LC asks if she can be real and Heidi says yes.  LC says that Spencer is an asshole.  BOOM.  There it is.  They both start crying, and LC says that Heidi was her best friend, and she started dating this awful guy who did mean things to her.  Lauren says that she can’t be nice to him and pretend to be her friend when she’s with her.  They both start bawling and Heidi says that all her best memories are with Lauren.  Heidi tells her not to cry on her birthday, and she isn’t sure what to do.  Lauren suggests a drink and they go from there.  After they get back to land LC gives Heidi a hug when they leave.

Episode 2 followed right after this one:  Check it out



1. DougOLis - Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Where the fuck did Charlie come from? Do you think Spencer has to pay him to be his friend?

Do you think the fight was real? The camerawork led me to think so. I really didn’t get Spencer trying to get Cameron to throw the first punch when it was Spencer himself that had a problem. What an idiot.

2. Matt_T - Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I was wondering the same thing Doug. Charlie seemed like an actor playing the ‘friend’ I’m sure he was being compensated by someone (Spencer, MTV)

The fight did look real, Cameron didn’t do much other than try to keep Spencer from hitting him, but he had a nice little cut on his face

3. JB* - Tuesday, April 7, 2009

But what was the song playing at the end????

4. Shakεy - Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Dammnnnn son. Good job Matt. Great post.

5. Rockabye - Tuesday, April 7, 2009

How useful do you think it would be to keep track of all of the songs?

6. DougOLis - Tuesday, April 7, 2009

It would probably cut the comments in half (at least) Rockabye. That said, it might be useful.

7. Rob I. - Tuesday, April 7, 2009


8. countryclubhousewife315 - Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Oh my goodness! I missed the hills last night! This was great!
PS: Spencer’s a skank ! LOL

9. mikesfishn - Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Man I cant wait!

10. New The Hills episode…. and more Spencer drama « Jennifersambolin’s Blog - Tuesday, April 7, 2009

[…] https://deadon.wordpress.com/2009/04/06/the-hills-season-5-episode-1-season-premiere-dont-cry-on-your… Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)Heidi & Lauren Need To, Like, Hug It Out Or Somethingthe hills season 3, episode 22, “when spencer finds out”Heidi Montag’s clothesHeidi Montag Releases New Single, ’Look How I’m Doin’’ […]

11. Top Posts « WordPress.com - Tuesday, April 7, 2009

[…] The Hills: Season 5 Episode 1 – Season Premiere: Don’t Cry On Your Birthday We’re baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! LC says this is the last one, but we’ll see.  Join me again after […] […]

12. ----- Jennifer ----- - Tuesday, April 7, 2009

i like your blog

13. ummmmheyyyy - Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Stephanie got intense highlights or dyed her hair. That’s what’s different.

14. sophistaphunk - Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Honestly- who gives a shit! This is exactly what is wrong with American culture- how we let these stupid deeply insignificant superficial things distract us and grab our attentions away from things that REALLY matter. We are in a recession- people are losing jobs left and right- I’m watching some of my fellow college students go homeless!!! Who gives a fuck about The Hills!!!

15. jjsdollyrockers - Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I got into it at home for healing a slipped disc!

16. Paytonk - Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The song that plays when Lauren and Heidi are crying is by Joanna Pacitti called “Out From Under” (Bratz: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack) It was also recorded by Britney Spears on her Circus Album. I believe the singer in the episode is Joanna though.

17. ----- Jennifer ----- - Wednesday, April 8, 2009

your blog is very good………………………..

18. JB* - Wednesday, April 8, 2009

In the time it took sophistaphunk wrote their message, they could have distributed resumes for five friends.

19. The Bean - Wednesday, April 8, 2009

haha, JB*, that’s exactly what I thought…sophistaphunk, then why are you reading this blog?

20. caroline spellman - Wednesday, April 8, 2009

after searching FOREVER for the song at the end when lauren and heidi are crying, i finally found it!!

it’s called “almost maybe” by the bright

21. ty yoshi - Saturday, April 11, 2009

hey i tried searching for “almost maybe” by the bright but it looks like the bright does not exist.. are you sure it’s the right song? i love that song too but i just can’t find who sings it

22. ty yoshi - Saturday, April 11, 2009

or maybe you could give me the link to the song?

23. Brody Lancaster - Tuesday, April 14, 2009

“Almost Maybe” by The Bright, the song at the end of season 5 episode 1 can be found on itunes, off of their album “In Lucid Dreams” great band, here’s their myspace: http://www.myspace.com/thebrightband

24. J.K - Saturday, April 18, 2009

Hey, what is the song called which is directly played after the opening? Before Lo and Audrina pick up the cake? There’s something like “this is my house this is my street..” and something with “my shoes and you walkin in them” in this song. But I cannot find it anywhere, it’s even missing in the mtv soundtrack list.


25. hayley - Wednesday, April 22, 2009

does anyone have a website i can watch season five ?
coz its not out where i am

email me


26. niknak - Sunday, May 3, 2009

it’s not the bright it’s britney spears/joanna pacitti out from under

27. PAPA - Friday, July 3, 2009

HEY ! Hello evrybody here in POrtugal i only watched this episode this afternoon and what i really want to know is the name of the band that plays at the very end of the episode, i mean the credit’s part. Its only instrumental but i loved it. can’t find anything about it at mtv’s site. Thanks

28. textflirtingtips.net - Monday, May 13, 2013

I’m truly enjoying the design and layout of your blog. It’s a very easy on the eyes which makes it much more enjoyable for me to come here and
visit more often. Did you hire out a designer
to create your theme? Outstanding work!

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