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30 Rock 3.11: St. Valentine’s Day Thursday, February 19, 2009

Posted by The Bad One in 30 rock, nbc, The Bad One, the balls.
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Against all odds, Drew asks Liz out, but since she has the show on Friday, they have to make it a Saturday date. On Valentine’s Day. She opts to make him cheese stew in her apartment. The date goes steadily downhill. First, her boob falls out of her blouse. Then the smoke alarm goes off while she’s on the toilet. The powerful draft when Dr. Baird opens her kitchen window yanks the bathroom door open. His ex-wife unceremoniously dumps his teenage daughter Bethany on them. At this point, Drew decides to embrace the madness. Bethany is a hellion, what with the bracelets she’s “earned” and the snaking of the wine. Drew’s sister calls with the news that their mother, who’s been in the hospital, has taken a turn for the worse. Drew decides to take Liz with him. When he steps out of the room, the addled Mrs. Baird mistakes Liz for Drew’s ex-wife and confesses a TERRIBLE SECRET that he needs to know and then dies.

Jack has planned a romantic dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in town, Plunder. Elisa, however, has to go to church for the Feast of St. Valentine and she won’t skip out on it. The service is interminable, and Elisa demands that they stay until after confession.

Jack confesses every sin we’ve seen him commit on the show, from Devon on the football field to the Chickitagua incident, to hitting Colleen with the car… You get the idea. He drives the panicked priest out of the confessional by describing sex. Elisa is furious, angry enough to yell at him in Spanish like Ricky Ricardo. She’s appalled to learn that he doesn’t believe in the teachings of the Catholic Church. She storms back into church, leaving Jack to eat his ridiculous dessert alone at Plunder, only he finds it lacking. Meanwhile, Elisa has an epiphany when she finds a McFlurry coupon in the collection plate. They find each other at the same McDonald’s and reconcile.

Frank’s supposed to supervise the new blind girl they hired to edit the reruns, but pawns her off on Kenneth before she shows up. He probably wouldn’t have done this if he knew she was a pretty redhead. Kenneth is so taken with her as to go entirely non-verbal. Fortunately for him, Tracy jumps in to play Cyrano.

Kenneth and Tracy take the impossibly sweet Jennifer (Maria Thayer) on a date to a “French restaurant” created from the set using Dotcom as a waiter and Grizz as a Foley guy and Jenna as the entertainment. After dinner, Kenneth works up the nerve to confess, which she takes very well, until she figures out what Kenneth looks like, then she’s out the door. Sorry, Ken.

Hell of an episode, people. And I would like to hear Ms. Hayek say “Hamburglar” many more times.

Jack: You sound so sexy when you say that. Say it again.
Elisa: Your mother’s gone back to Florrrida.

Elisa: Please, Jack, don’t tell me you’re one of those convenient Catholics that only goes to church every Sunday.

Liz: It’s a delicate situation, Jack. There is…handsomeness involved.
Jack: How much?
Liz: (Hands over phone with picture displayed)
Oh, c’mon, Lemon. What is this, a green card thing?
Liz: No
Jack: Closet case?
Liz: I don’t think so.
Jack: Slump-buster?
Liz: No, not a ballplayer.
Jack: Bundy-esque serial killer?
Liz: That was my first thought, but no.

Jack: Elisa is deeply religious
Liz: If I had those knockers, I’d be thanking God too.

Tracy: Ken, you need to snap out of it and ask out that sexy Miss Magoo
Kenneth: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Tracy: I know love at first sight when I see it. I saw it when I met Angie, I saw it the first time Dotcom laid eyes on Grizz’s fiancee.

Tracy (as Kenneth): Well cotton an’ fiddles! I enjoy your smile!
Jennifer: Oh my! I’m Jennifer Rogers!
Tracy (as Kenneth): You may call me Kenneth the Paige, because that is who I am. Would you like to go out with me tomorrow night, yes indeedy corn cobs?
Jennifer: Well, I’m going to say yes, because this just feels right, and my instincts have never let me down. Except for looking at that eclipse.
Tracy (as Kenneth): It’s a Valentines dately-do!

Liz: Well, please know When I invited you over, I didn’t know it was Valentine’s.
Drew: Yeah, you still have that rotting jack-o-lantern in the hall, so I feel you really don’t have a great sense of what month it is.

Drew: So we skipped ahead from Date 4 to Date 20.
Liz: No, Date Never. I would NEVER let that happen.
Drew: Liz, it’s OK. I’m a doctor. I’ve seen much worse.
Liz: Really?
Drew: No, I was just kidding. That was pretty bad.

Bethany: Why don’t you ever trust me?
Drew: Because, honey, you keep setting fire to things.

Dotcom: Ahh, Monsieur Parcell. Votre table est prête.
Jennifer: I didn’t know it was a French restaurant!
Tracy (as Kenneth): Yes, I found it on my favorite website, StopShowingOff.com.

Jack: I have faith, in things I can buy, and see, and deregulate. Capitalism is my religion. Now, you want to have an intellectual argument? Fine, but I went to Princeton.
Priest: I went to Harvard Divinity School.
Jack: Ooh, you Crimson guys never miss a chance, do you?

Tracy (as Kenneth): And now, the best singer in the world…
Jenna: (Beams)
Tracy (as Kenneth):Michael McDonald!
Jenna: (Attempts a Michael McDonald impression)
Jennifer: Wow, he does not sound good live.

Elisa: (Slaps Jack) How dare you say something like that so close to the statue of Santa Lucia, the patron saint of judgmental statues?

Mrs. Baird: (To Liz) Mandy, you have to tell Drew something for me. The woman he thinks is his sister is really his mother. I’m his grandmother! You have to tell him or I won’t get into heaven. (Dies)

Jennifer: But if you could’ve talked to me, what would you have said?
Kenneth: That you’re the sweetest, prettiest, blindest girl I’ve ever met. And that when I’m with you my heart jumps like a frog on Ju-ly asphalt right before it dies.
Jennifer: You’re so beautiful on the inside, Kenneth Parcell. Can I feel your face?
(She feels his face. Then looks concerned.)
Jennifer: Oh! Look at the time! I have a…have a thing…

Elisa: Someone’s trying to tell us that we bring us together. Maybe it’s God.
Jack: Maybe it’s Ray Kroc.
Elisa: Maybe it’s the Hamburglar.

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