House “Lucky Thirteen” Recap

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As I did my weekly research into infectious disease and genetic disorders for these here recaps, I came across the depicted case of Bumbling British Doofusism. Your resident gun-slinging, cavalier, loose cannon, maverick, Lone Ranger doctor’s first wedding. It could just be me but she kind of looks like Cuddy.

On this week’s episode, the new hot fellow Thirteen far surpasses the old hot fellow Cameron in terms of insane, totally unfathomable sexual exploits. Cameron was always trying to bang House which was cool, but Thirteen has gone and one-night-stood with a drug addict with an extensive medical history. Oh, and it’s a woman. For this she blames her Huntington’s. Don’t click that if you don’t like spoilers. Do click the jump if you like girls making out with each other, structuralist suspense, and/or pistachios.

First Things First, House’s Harem

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The episode opens wiOH MY GOD: um, Thirteen, hot chick, making out, ecstasy, Abercrombie & Fitch store soundtrack, does not compute…

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That happened. Afterwards Thirteen is looking in the mirror and then the chick falls out of the bed convulsing. Intro Credits. Oh but guess what? She was just using Thirteen to get to House, which causes an argument and as we all know the second symptom of an argument on “House” is a heart attack.

First commercial break: Another “24: Redemption” trailer, I liked the movie better when it was called Syriana Babel Diamond . Who am I kidding, I’m watching that.

The diseased House-stalker got sick in Thirteen’s house, so Foreman and House go to search her place. They find an inhaler. Then this- House: “People interest me, conversations don’t.” Foreman: “‘Cuz conversations go both ways.” Unison: “like Thirteen.” Nailed it.

Thirteen and chick talk out their differences about her seeking out House, kind of make up, but the bad news is, it’s not a spider bite.

At the same time, Foreman confirms that Thirteen’s Huntington’s is getting worse with some test results he found at her place but did not share with House. Still don’t click that link if you don’t like spoilers. Or foreshadowing. If you think about that too hard, you’ll make your own spoiler.

After the next commercial break that I fast forwarded through because my mom called and gave me a seven minute tape delay the team deliberates and House decides to “put Thirteen’s carpet cleaner on a treadmill.” For those of you who took 1/6 on Patient Treadmill Running, congratulations. Cuddy walks in on Thirteen who is injecting herself with some sort of fluids. House bails her out of Cuddy’s office like the cool dad at the Principal’s Office, but then he fires her.

For some reason Thirteen is still hanging out even though she is fired, her girl’s lung or trachea or something collapsed and Thirteen stabbed her with a huge needle. Another fast forward commercial break, I think that was “Fringe,” then everyone sticks up for Thirteen for her valorous chest-stab. House says too bad, she’s still fired.

House comes back to Thirteen in the locker room with test results that prove her girl has something called LAM and is dying. She will break the news because she “know[s] what it’s like like to get this news and no one should have to get it from [House.]” Snap. She breaks the news, then they break for commercial and I break for pistachios.

Thirteen and her girl bond over the threat of impending death. Then the girl starts bleeding and Thirteen comes back with the new symptom necessitating a new diagnosis; she’s still fired.

Wait, she’s not fired? House doesn’t really explain why but instead finds his trademark diagnosis with a simplistic cure for both the patient and Thirteen by seeing cracks in her lips. Then she and Foreman share a touching moment in the locker room over her not actually being fired and not actually dying. Then she is in lingerie with a different chick. I can’t even follow anymore.

And about that picture of Cameron at the top, she wasn’t really in the episode, but it looks good anyways.

The Bromance Continues: The PI Guy on Wilson’s Tail

That controversial private investigator character (Michael Weston) who likes Cuddy is back and hanging out with House, this time spying on Wilson because House knows he’s dating someone. Wilson is passed out on the floor of his office, chair spilled over. House left him milk and a doughnut. Later House visits Wilson in his office where he tells House that he is indeed dating someone. Further she is a prostitute, but it’s cool because she is a smart prostitute and Wilson’s only paying for her law school. Wilson gets all sappy, says it makes him happy, then House says, “If you’re happy, I’m…” Silent-Era exit office right complete with cane flourish.

Later, the PI and House are sitting outside on a bench and discussing Wilson’s failed relationships and newest fling candidly and with exceeding wit. By golly, I think he might just keep up with House yet. And it’s a good thing since it appears Wilson is on the path to self-destruction. Next the PI comes to House with evidence Wilson planted to imply that he had become a drug addict. Oh that prankster, it was a ruse the whole time!

Wilson enters a baby furniture store where Cuddy is shopping for cribs for what House assumes is her desired pregnancy. What is actually happening is that Wilson was a character witness for Cuddy’s desired adoption, which causes House to again say, “If you’re happy, then I’m,” walk away. My wife said it was the third time he did this, I only caught two. I’m always right on these things, you see.

Things Without a Fitting Category

Foreman confronts House about being followed by the PI, but House flips the script by calling him boring for being clean. Foreman is obviously agitated. Later he and Chase (with still messier hair) share an exchange across microscopes where Foreman asks Chase if he finds him boring. Chase says yes, then Foreman says he’s just screwing with him, then Chase says yeah again ambiguously yet chummily.

On next week’s episode: Some guy is sweating blood, House tortures Cuddy about the incoming baby, incoming baby has complications, Cuddy yells at fetus being pulled of mid-Cesarean tummy, House and Cuddy are about to make out.

And to wrap up this week I include the music video for the show’s theme song, Massive Attack’s “Teardrop.” I saw them at Austin City Limits ’06 with like twelve thirty foot tall strips of LED lighting behind them that transformed into different shapes and patterns throughout their show, I almost seized. If you don’t know who Massive Attack is, you need to click that now please. If you do know who Massive Attack is, you may click and chill as you see fit.

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