House, M.D. “Birthmarks” Recap

Hello DeadOn readers! My name is Robert Sean Leonard and depending on the reaction to this, I’ll be doing weekly “House, M.D.” recaps. OK, so I’m not really the actor who plays Wilson, but I’ll try to provide some good insight anyways.

For instance, on this week’s episode the Chinese translator said, “Is there a doctor in the house?” right before the intro credits started. A doctor in the house. You see what they did there? Probably not, because you probably don’t speak Cantonese and neither do I, but that’s what I’m here for, to find this stuff out through diligent research. Alright there was no research, I just asked my wife who speaks Cantonese and Mandarin to translate for me. But enough small talk, let’s get to the main plot points of this week’s episode.

Update: “House” takes 8 days to turn around (thanks for ensuring a limited readership FOX) but as the episodes are available I will post them at the top of the recaps so one may choose to watch the episode for him or herself.

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House’s Dead Dad

In the first scene we learn House’s father has died but he has no interest in attending the funeral. He deflects by commenting on the dark circles under Taub’s (Peter Jacobson) eyes, again prodding him about marital issues. Like almost all episodes of the show, what we expect to be the main plot focus is merely a springboard into what we’re really getting at: the House-Wilson Bromance that graced this week’s cover of TV Guide. But we’ll get at that later. Cuddy (Lisa Edelstein) had to drug House to throw him in the car with Wilson who agreed to drive House to the funeral at any cost. The death of John House does not affect Dr. House because his dad was not really his dad, and he knew it at age 12 because his father was training off Okinawa when he was conceived, because he had different toes, and because of a birthmark inconsistent with his father’s complexion. He confirms his suspicions through a kiss with ulterior motives: clipping a piece of ear from the man who raised him and conducting an unmatched DNA test with it. The one thing his father really added to the series lies in the eulogy House gave which was very similar to a description of himself. He says his dad was “incapable of admitting any point of view but his own.” As he speaks he begins to understand, saying he wouldn’t be who he was today without being raised by his father. Personally I found the mother character boring. How House of me. Onward!

The Patient of the Week

Nicole (Samantha Quan), a young woman with too many addictions, was born in China but adopted by parents in the United States who thought they couldn’t have children. While House examined her, she coughed on him, which was worrisome because the first assumption was that she contracted SARS on her recent parent-search in China. But the subsequent fall House takes wasn’t due to SARS, it was due to Cuddy’s cunning drugging. When will they stop out-clevering each other and just ravish each other’s bodies already? We next hear about the patient when the team calls House in the car. The team’s personal ringtone is “MMMBop.” I bet the Hanson brothers spend every day wondering what the Jonas Brothers did that they didn’t. The answer is Disney, dummies, get in with Disney and you’re set for life. The team, incidentally, solves the problem on their own, like House is their dad and they merely need his presence for reassurance.

On their second phone call the team is actually seeking House’s help because their first idea was wrong. Unfortunately House has just forced Wilson to speed past a cop, causing him to be pulled over. He was attempting to develop a metaphor involving steamrollers and construction sites when the cop hangs up his phone. Instead of conducting a differential on their own, the team tries to decode the first half of the metaphor for their answer. Foreman (Omar Epps) is frustrated that the team is not discussing medicinal solutions and leaves as if he is taking the medicine upon himself, but really he’s taking the same metaphor to Doctors Chase (Jesse Spencer) and Cameron (Jennifer Morrison) who know House better and will have better luck figuring it out. (Aside: I still can’t believe the same network that first ran “That 70’s Show” now has a black doctor named Eric Foreman on one of their signature shows. There were really no other names you could have gone with? Chase’s hair is looking a little more messy with each episode, I’m not quite sure what that’s about.)

The team becomes worried when they can’t find Nicole in her room, but the always relatable Kutner (Kal Penn) finds her outside on a bench smoking a cigarette where he coolly calms her. My how Kumar has grown since his days of throwing interviews at prestigious med schools to spite his father.

After the trademark faulty diagnoses, we finally learn that Nicole was born in 1983 during the enforcement of single child laws in China and her parents had put pins in her head in an attempt to kill her before being found to have more than one child. Not only did this explain her current illness, but it also explained her penchant for addiction due to the part of the brain the pins were in. If you want terminology get a neurology textbook because I didn’t understand a word of it.

The Totally Heterosexual Love Affair of House and Wilson

House and Wilson had been fighting because of that whole House kind of had a hand in the death of Wilson’s girlfriend thing from the end of season 4. He’s not taking House to the funeral for House, though, he’s doing it for House’s mother. Yeah, right, I believe you Wilson.

So let’s pickup just before the arrest, at the rest stop where House made Wilson stop for a potty break, and also to knock his keys out of his hand into a sewer drain. The ever-prepared Wilson pulls a wire hanger and a crank flashlight from his trunk to retrieve the keys, but House throws the flashlight down the sewer drain too. And after what happened next I audibly said, “Wait, no, you had another crank flashlight in the trunk Wilson?” He must have been an Eagle Scout. He gets the keys and they’re back on their way.

Now the aforementioned part where House speeds Wilson’s car up to get him pulled over. Because Wilson has an outstanding warrant in Louisiana, he and House are detained. At the station we learn the arrest in Louisiana was for vandalism, destruction of property, and assault. At a medical conference weekend, Wilson was at a bar where someone kept playing a Billy Joel song incessantly until he felt the need to throw a bottle into an antique mirror. The first time they met was when House bailed him out because, as House says, “the convention was boring.” The epic bromance was born. Turns out Louisiana isn’t interested in extradition, and the cop says House must go pay his respects.

After the eulogy Wilson follows House into the lobby of the funeral home where House pokes at him on the subjects of his choice of specialty and his love of Amber, prodding him to the point of hurling another bottle, this time through a stained glass window. An astonished Wilson says, “Did you know I was going to do that? Because I didn’t know I was going to do that.” Another revelatory moment for the star-crossed, no-homo lovers.

Next they are out to eat, reforming their friendship over medicine. Wilson asks when Nicole was born, bringing to light the potential harm her biological parents’ could have caused her. Don’t they make the perfect team? Then Wilson finds House in his office, drinking to the confirmation of his father not being his father, and tells House that he is coming back to the hospital because the annoying car trip was the most fun he’d had since Amber died. Just make out already, seriously.

Shot of the Week

When the cop asked House to get out of the car and we got a top of the head shot, you could kind of tell that he really looks like this:

House's makeup artist has some combing over skills

Weekly Witticisms

To 13: “Bubbles? Is that your new stripper name?”

To Cuddy: “Eulogy. Greek for good word. If she’d asked me to deliver a bastardogy, I’d be [there.]”

On Nicole: “We’re all screwed up by our parents, she’s got documentation.”

Whew, that was quite the ride and for those of you who got through the whole thing, watching the episode might have taken you less time. Fret ye not, however, next week’s will be twice as long. Until next time, remember, everybody lies.