Real World/Road Rules: The Island – This Show is Gonna Blow Monday, September 15, 2008Posted by The NY Kid in MTV, reality TV, undergroundBTO.
Well, now that you know from the title how I feel about this latest incarnation, let’s discuss it, shall we? First of all, this recap is several days late because: (1) MTV gave me no fucking clue when it was on (no, I didn’t visit their website, smartass!); and (2) the first time my DVR recorded it (after I found it), it turned out to be an episode of “Made” (oh, the tomboy totally becomes the prom queen, by the way). When I finally got the damn thing taped, I start watching it only to realize that this season will be a poorly-developed rip-off of Survivor. Oh joy. Join me after the jump to find out which fame-whores are on the cast this time around.
Abram (Road Rules South Pacific) – The last time we saw Abe he was being kicked off Road Rules: Viewer’s Revenge for punching a castmate in the head several times. Apparently he now lives in Montana and designs energy-efficient homes when not walking around assaulting innocent people
Ashli (Real World Sydney) – Ashli is best known for trying to have a relationship with mega-douche Dunbar from their Real World season. She has no redeeming qualities, and this is her first Challenge
Cohutta (Real World Sydney) – The quintessential southern boy, Cohutta was hooking up with castmate KellyAnne on their Real World season, but they have since “broken up” (sniff, sniff). Cohutta is another Challenge rookie
Colie (Real World Denver) – Colie completely shit the bed on Inferno 3 in glorious fashion, so she is back to convince everyone that she is not hopeless
Dan (Road Rules Viewer’s Revenge) – Dan is just finishing up his stint in the Marine Corps and trying to make it as a stand-up comic. He is already somewhat successful, as his high opinion of himself constantly makes me laugh
Dave (Real World Hollywood) – Dave just finished his Real World season and stepped right into The Island, so he still hasn’t had to adjust his behavior back to what is considered socially acceptable. Not only is he the only player from his Real World season, but he is also a rookie, so he has a huge target on his back
Derrick (Road Rules X-Treme) – Derrick has been around the block a few times (in more ways than one), but he recently got married and is an expectant father (he’s Bristol Palin’s baby daddy!). Although he won Inferno 3, he is back for the $300,000 prize on The Island (greedy bastard)
Dunbar (Real World Sydney) – As mentioned above, mega-douche Dunbar was wooing his roommate Ashli while claiming to be faithful to his girlfriend back home on his Real World season. After those shenanigans, Dunbar came home, finished college, became a real estate broker, and re-committed himself to his relationship. This will last until approximately 2.7 hours into his time on The Island
Ev (RW/RR Challenge: Fresh Meat) – Despite having never been on either Real World or Road Rules, Ev has made herself a nice little living by constantly showing up for Challenges. It is also heavily rumoured that she may have once been a man
Jenn (Real World Denver) – Jenn was disappointed at her loss on Inferno 3, and it shows, considering that she arrived on The Island looking as if she hadn’t slept since then
Johanna (Real World Austin) – Johanna was on the winning team in Gauntlet 3, and also broke up with her Real World roommate Wes during that Challenge. This is her first time being single during a Challenge, so she may be a floozy
Johnny (Real World Key West) – Johnny is pissed off at his self-proclaimed “early exit” from Gauntlet 3, so he has a lot to prove to himself and others on The Island. Things like, “Can Johnny stop being so damn annoying?”
KellyAnne (Real World Sydney) – The last of the “Sydney Foursome”, KellyAnne has found her relationship with Cohutta turning into a “friendship” and she has a boyfriend back home. Considering that she will be living with Cohutta and they are both Challenge rookies, will there be some Challenge nookie? (Sorry, that was lame)
Kenny (RW/RR Challenge: Fresh Meat) – Like Ev, Kenny just always seems to be around, showing up for his 5th straight Challenge. Also pissed off about his loss on Gauntlet 3, Kenny will most likely be undone by his libido
Paula (Real World Key West) – Paula now lives in New York City with Challenge alum Ryan, and she is still bat-shit crazy
Rachel (Road Rules Campus Crawl) – Having stepped away from Challenges for a little while, Rachel now lives in Miami and works as a personal trainer, and she has some serious guns
Robin (Real World San Diego) – Robin is back for her 6th Challenge, having never won. After moving back to Florida she managed to finish her college degree, so at least she has that to fall back on if she doesn’t win on The Island
Ryan (RW/RR Challenge: Fresh Meat) – Ryan (Paula’s roommate in NYC – pay attention!) is another guy who just keeps showing up despite never having been on either of the seminal MTV reality shows. Although he is gay, he enjoys making out with women
Tonya (Real World Chicago) – After winning on Inferno 3, Tonya moved with her husband to a (very) small town in Nebraska where she works at a grocery store. This completes the most unlikely turn-around in the history of MTV reality fame-whores
Tyrie (Real World Denver) – After leaving Gauntlet 3 due to a family emergency, Tyrie is back with a vengeance
Episode 1: The Arrival
All of the cast members are on a boat listening to host TJ Lavin describe this season. He tells them that there are no teams, no challenges, no “pimped-out” house, and minimal supplies. The $300,000 that they are fighting for is not on their island, but on an island that they can all see across the bay. The US Army (really? they have nothing better to do?) will airdrop supplies and enough parts for The Islanders (Potvin sucks!) to build 2 boats, each capable of carrying 4 people, meaning that only 8 people will be getting to the island with the money. Then TJ kicks them off the boat, telling them that they must swim to their island. Cohutta and Abram arrive first, and find that their living quarters are some well-appointed huts. Kenny arrives, and immediately starts bitching about the fact they only have rice for food, and then starts talking to Johnny about an Alliance.
That evening, Dan discovers some liquor and passes out on the beach while Derrick looks in disgust (pot…kettle – you were that guy once, Derrick). As the alcohol starts to flow, we get: (a) body shots off Paula; (b) Jenn and Rachel kissing, followed by Jenn insisting that she is not a lesbian; (c) Ryan and KellyAnne kissing, followed by Ryan insisting that he is gay; and (d) Kenny and Johanna kissing, followed by Kenny telling us that he thinks that Wes is a piece of shit.
The next day, Abram and Cohutta start trying to build a boat, which leads to Kenny telling them that the idea is stupid. Tonya tells Kenny not to worry about it since it doesn’t affect him, and Kenny calls her a “retard” (You stay classy, Kenny). We see a lot of conversation about people being bored, and being sick of eating rice (already?), and then TJ comes by to tell them to expect an airdrop. The plane drops off the package, and all of the guys rush out into the surf to be the first to retrieve the box. Back on shore we find out that the box contains meat/fish, toilet paper, and boat parts.
That night, we see more alliances in the early stages. Dan and Dunbar talk about the rookies sticking together, while Johanna snuggles up to Kenny.
The next day, TJ comes by and tells everyone that they will need a key to get one of the 8 spots on the boats, and that those keys are gained through “Face-Offs.” He gives them 45 minutes to deliberate on the 3 cast members to enter the first “Face-Off.” Back at the hut, Abram volunteers, as does Kenny. This leaves one spot, and Abram suggest that it should be a girl, so the cast votes. Tonya gets 10 votes (leading her to cry), Ashli gets 6 votes, and KellyAnne gets 4 votes.
Kenny, Abram and Tonya encounter the “Leaning Tower”, which features telephone poles leaning out over the ocean with holes color-coordinated to dowels that are submerged in the ocean. They have to swim out, retrieve the appropriate dowel, place it in the telephone pole, etc. Abram starts off very quickly, but Kenny eventually catches up. They go neck-and-neck until the end, but Abram pulls it out, winning the first key. TJ tells Kenny and Tonya that they now have to “beg” for votes to stay. At the voting, later that night, Tonya tells the cast that they should keep her because she is not a threat to them. Kenny takes the opposite approach, telling the cast that the last time they kept a weaker player around, it cost them the game (referencing Eric’s collapse in Gauntlet 3). Tonya goes home on a 14-3 vote, and Kenny gets the second key.
Ed. Note: Watching this was painful, and this season is sure to be excruciating. See what I do for you people?