The Farmer Picks A Bride Friday, June 27, 2008Posted by JB* in I know the suspense is killing you, JB*, reality TV, The CW Will Put Anything On, The Farmer Wants a Wife.
Tags: Farmer Wants A Wife
After seven weeks of breaking city girl hearts and making Mrs.JB* wish she could drink, tonight, Our Farmer Matt will be choosing his blushing bride-to-be. And given this is the show which gave us the tasteful elimination of “stick your hand in the cow’s uterus” and the tactful “I’m going to put your name in lights… to kick you out“, I can only imagine the proposal will be one which every viewer of the CW will take note of for their own future question-popping.
So, drop to one knee, get a tissue, and join me after the jump (a day late thanks to power outages; thanks Alliant Energy!) for the biggest question one she should only have to say yes to once in her life…
The show recaps the previous episodes, calling Christa the “Sex Kitten from the City” and Brooke “the wholesome Girl Next Door”. Obviously, the announcer did not watch the stripper dance episode. Brooke starts out the show by saying “maybe I am biased, but I think I make a better farmer’s wife.” Maybe you are biased? This climbs up the list of stupid things said on this show… we’ll put it #2 after “No eliminations, just a wife”.
Matt opines he is “very lucky” to know he is pulling into the driveway with two women waiting for him. This means he probably needs work done.
And yes, he does!
Christa gets a list to:
- Pick up a carburetor so he can rebuild it
- Go to the market and pay off his tab (yes, small town grocery stores will let you run a tab)
- Go to his house, get the thirteen point deer and take the head to the taxidermist
- Get four bags of horse feed, “girl”
- Get three chickens
- Get a starter for a 4430. Side note – working for a rather prominent maker of tractors, the 4430 is about four series ago, at least twenty years old. Josie, there was your answer as to how rich he is.
- Get a buffalo fish (the fuck?)
- Get twenty crickets
He’ll be waiting for them at 1 pm, and Mrs.JB* says probably expecting lunch to be ready. She also threatens my life should I ever consider leaving her a list like that, and suggests Matt strengthen his tongue to pay both girls back properly for such idiotic lists. A wife helps, not serves, she says and I obviously screwed up something this week.
They are OFF! As they both tell the camera they want to make Matt happy and have a loving relationship and marriage. Mrs.JB* calls it abuse.
Christa’s carbuertor comes from our ever-popular Mayor, MC, and local repairman. She goes on to pay the market tab, then adds a few things, such as floating orange sunglasses and beef jerky… then asks to buy condoms. Mr. Hooper looks confused. No wonder everyone in town is knocked up. Check Amazon.
Brooke’s chicken-for-pie swap goes off without a hitch. However, she goes on to buy the starter for the ancient tractor, but doesn’t know the voltage needed. Machineshop Guy offers to sell her both options, and she can bring back whichever she doesn’t want for half credit. Ruh roh. Over at the feed shop, when Christa tries to buy four bags of horse feed, the salesman starts asking which kind – old, young, pleasure horse, riding, what?
Time Out! This show has gone out of the way to prove to us how much everyone knows everyone and helps out each other and work together. Two major retailers, who are probably the ONLY stores in town for these products, who almost certainly know Matt and what he buys – especially in the case of the horse feed every two weeks, are being jags to the girls and making them look stupid. Either this is intentional dickishness, crafty cruel editing, or Matt set them up to fail to make his decision easier.
The asshatness continues as Brooke has to catch her own crickets out of the cage, which no bait shop which make you do. Proving my rationale, crickets start getting loose.
Both girls head back towards the house, but Brooke gets caught by a train. The editors start getting lazy, since they clearly show the license plate on the truck Brooke is driving (and Christa’s after the commercial), yet they took care to remove the Blue Oval from the front of Matt’s truck grill. Go figure.
Holy crap – Matt actually brought lunch! As they dine lunch, Matt announces today is date time. Brooke gets thirty minutes to get ready for her casual date, while Christa will have several hours in the meantime. Brooke’s date is riding four-wheelers – with absolutely no safety equipment, good job, The CW. As they slow down for a snack, Brooke drops the “L” word to the camera, but cannot say it to Matt.
For Christa, Matt arrives in a horse-drawn handsome cab. Brooke works herself into a frenzy and starts packing as they draw away. They clop along the gravel road to Matt’s house, where Christa shivers at the deerheads staring at her. Matt’s house is awesome, save for all the dead animals. The date is sensitive-type shmoozy stuff and some kissing. From this much, it sure seems like Christa is the pick, though his history says asking “what would I do for work?” may cause him anguish.
Morning – Decision Day. The girls work to get ready in their “city bests” and while they claim to be staying calm, their hands are literally shaking.
The whole freaking town arrives at the girl’s house – with a stage which they didn’t notice being constructed overnight? – and a band. Matt asks them both to come out, and gives long lingering hugs to both. He helps the nerves by narrating for us “Tonight no one will stay here. One goes to the city, one goes home with me.” Mama Matt will probably be excited about that idea, contrary to her previous opinion.
This is “probably” the toughest decision of his life. I think it goes right up there with Brooke’s quote from earlier about “may be” being biased. Not sure what he expected when he signed up for this. He is going to announce this “country style” – different than Cajun Style – via crop duster. A quick series of text messages confirm that no one Mrs.JB* or myself know have been proposed to by crop duster.
The crop duster comes into our screen and the whole town points up in the sky, reading… “Matt <3 Brooke”. Big hugs abound and the Spunky One holds back tears. Matt’s “explanation” is he had an absolute blast with Christa, he will never forget her – which Brooke has to love hearing – and a hug and a kiss.
The new couple climb on board a red tractor – NOT the same one she had to buy a starter for – and kiss as they ride off into the sunset. As she packs, Christa writes on a mirror “NYC Here I Come“. Perhaps we’re set up for a Bachelor-like series. Next year, Farmers to NYC to woo Christa!? “Your challenge is to take the train to Brooklyn, get a game date from Mookie, then go to Flushing and get me Mets tickets.”? Awesome.
Now – let the hunting begin for news on Brooke and Matt’s eventual break-up. Not happening yet, per this interview.
That wraps up this season of Farmer Wants A Wife. Thank you to those who rode along for the hayrack ride, and be sure to check us out on Sunday for a new DeadOn musical flashback feature.