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The Farmer Picks A Bride Friday, June 27, 2008

Posted by JB* in I know the suspense is killing you, JB*, reality TV, The CW Will Put Anything On, The Farmer Wants a Wife.

After seven weeks of breaking city girl hearts and making Mrs.JB* wish she could drink, tonight, Our Farmer Matt will be choosing his blushing bride-to-be. And given this is the show which gave us the tasteful elimination of “stick your hand in the cow’s uterus” and the tactful “I’m going to put your name in lights… to kick you out“, I can only imagine the proposal will be one which every viewer of the CW will take note of for their own future question-popping.

So, drop to one knee, get a tissue, and join me after the jump (a day late thanks to power outages; thanks Alliant Energy!) for the biggest question one she should only have to say yes to once in her life

The show recaps the previous episodes, calling Christa the “Sex Kitten from the City” and Brooke “the wholesome Girl Next Door”. Obviously, the announcer did not watch the stripper dance episode. Brooke starts out the show by saying “maybe I am biased, but I think I make a better farmer’s wife.” Maybe you are biased? This climbs up the list of stupid things said on this show… we’ll put it #2 after “No eliminations, just a wife”.

Matt opines he is “very lucky” to know he is pulling into the driveway with two women waiting for him. This means he probably needs work done.

And yes, he does!

Christa gets a list to:

  • Pick up a carburetor so he can rebuild it
  • Go to the market and pay off his tab (yes, small town grocery stores will let you run a tab)
  • Go to his house, get the thirteen point deer and take the head to the taxidermist
  • Get four bags of horse feed, “girl”

Brooke’s list:

  • Get three chickens
  • Get a starter for a 4430. Side note – working for a rather prominent maker of tractors, the 4430 is about four series ago, at least twenty years old. Josie, there was your answer as to how rich he is.
  • Get a buffalo fish (the fuck?)
  • Get twenty crickets

He’ll be waiting for them at 1 pm, and Mrs.JB* says probably expecting lunch to be ready. She also threatens my life should I ever consider leaving her a list like that, and suggests Matt strengthen his tongue to pay both girls back properly for such idiotic lists. A wife helps, not serves, she says and I obviously screwed up something this week.

They are OFF! As they both tell the camera they want to make Matt happy and have a loving relationship and marriage. Mrs.JB* calls it abuse.

Christa’s carbuertor comes from our ever-popular Mayor, MC, and local repairman. She goes on to pay the market tab, then adds a few things, such as floating orange sunglasses and beef jerky… then asks to buy condoms. Mr. Hooper looks confused. No wonder everyone in town is knocked up. Check Amazon.

Brooke’s chicken-for-pie swap goes off without a hitch. However, she goes on to buy the starter for the ancient tractor, but doesn’t know the voltage needed. Machineshop Guy offers to sell her both options, and she can bring back whichever she doesn’t want for half credit. Ruh roh. Over at the feed shop, when Christa tries to buy four bags of horse feed, the salesman starts asking which kind – old, young, pleasure horse, riding, what?

Time Out! This show has gone out of the way to prove to us how much everyone knows everyone and helps out each other and work together. Two major retailers, who are probably the ONLY stores in town for these products, who almost certainly know Matt and what he buys – especially in the case of the horse feed every two weeks, are being jags to the girls and making them look stupid. Either this is intentional dickishness, crafty cruel editing, or Matt set them up to fail to make his decision easier.

The asshatness continues as Brooke has to catch her own crickets out of the cage, which no bait shop which make you do. Proving my rationale, crickets start getting loose.

Both girls head back towards the house, but Brooke gets caught by a train. The editors start getting lazy, since they clearly show the license plate on the truck Brooke is driving (and Christa’s after the commercial), yet they took care to remove the Blue Oval from the front of Matt’s truck grill. Go figure.

Holy crap – Matt actually brought lunch! As they dine lunch, Matt announces today is date time. Brooke gets thirty minutes to get ready for her casual date, while Christa will have several hours in the meantime. Brooke’s date is riding four-wheelers – with absolutely no safety equipment, good job, The CW. As they slow down for a snack, Brooke drops the “L” word to the camera, but cannot say it to Matt.

For Christa, Matt arrives in a horse-drawn handsome cab. Brooke works herself into a frenzy and starts packing as they draw away. They clop along the gravel road to Matt’s house, where Christa shivers at the deerheads staring at her. Matt’s house is awesome, save for all the dead animals. The date is sensitive-type shmoozy stuff and some kissing. From this much, it sure seems like Christa is the pick, though his history says asking “what would I do for work?” may cause him anguish.

Morning – Decision Day. The girls work to get ready in their “city bests” and while they claim to be staying calm, their hands are literally shaking.

The whole freaking town arrives at the girl’s house – with a stage which they didn’t notice being constructed overnight? – and a band. Matt asks them both to come out, and gives long lingering hugs to both. He helps the nerves by narrating for us “Tonight no one will stay here. One goes to the city, one goes home with me.” Mama Matt will probably be excited about that idea, contrary to her previous opinion.

This is “probably” the toughest decision of his life. I think it goes right up there with Brooke’s quote from earlier about “may be” being biased. Not sure what he expected when he signed up for this. He is going to announce this “country style” – different than Cajun Style – via crop duster. A quick series of text messages confirm that no one Mrs.JB* or myself know have been proposed to by crop duster.

The crop duster comes into our screen and the whole town points up in the sky, reading… “Matt <3 Brooke”. Big hugs abound and the Spunky One holds back tears. Matt’s “explanation” is he had an absolute blast with Christa, he will never forget her – which Brooke has to love hearing – and a hug and a kiss.

The new couple climb on board a red tractor – NOT the same one she had to buy a starter for – and kiss as they ride off into the sunset. As she packs, Christa writes on a mirror “NYC Here I Come“. Perhaps we’re set up for a Bachelor-like series. Next year, Farmers to NYC to woo Christa!? “Your challenge is to take the train to Brooklyn, get a game date from Mookie, then go to Flushing and get me Mets tickets.”? Awesome.

Now – let the hunting begin for news on Brooke and Matt’s eventual break-up. Not happening yet, per this interview.

That wraps up this season of Farmer Wants A Wife. Thank you to those who rode along for the hayrack ride, and be sure to check us out on Sunday for a new DeadOn musical flashback feature.



1. DougOLis - Friday, June 27, 2008

FMK style:
Fuck – Christa
Marry – Brooke
Kill – ?? Your brain cells?

2. DougOLis - Friday, June 27, 2008

Matt: She got a gift, but it may not have been from me. She got something though, we’ll put it that way. I’m sorry I have to be vague about that, but there’s more to Josie than you’ll ever see, trust me. There’s a lot more to her.

Did she get knocked up by someone from the town? Did she get the clap?

3. JB* - Friday, June 27, 2008

Doug –

Perhaps the third part of your trio above would be “Matt’s Sister”?

And I know Josie was a CyberGirl of the Week earlier in the year. Yeah – seriously. My guess is his Buddy Driver got to unload on her as she tried to “get even” with Matt.

4. Farmer Finale « The Wit and Wisdon of JB* - Monday, June 30, 2008

[…] post info By JB* Categories: DeadOn, Farmer Wants a Wife and JB* Tags: Farmer Wants a Wife Seven weeks of rubes, ruminating, and romance culminate to the final pick of love. Once again, catch the final review of Farmer Wants A Wife at DeadOn. […]

5. citygirl - Tuesday, July 1, 2008

I’m a city girl and fell in love with a farmer. I have two degrees, a six-figure income and my own condominium. I also have horses and compete…
He raises hay and cows… I was impressed with him and his 1500 acres thinking how much he’d accomplished… Turns out “he” hadn’t. It was a “family business” (MUCH LIKE MATT’S on the show). That means that Dad bought the property and Mom ran the finances…MY farmer worked 12+ hour days and sent every check to his mom along with every bill which she paid. He got no salary…but all his needs were met. Mom paid the phone bill, electricity, insurance, grocery ‘tab’, veterinary bills, etc.
So I come along and I’m all like “I’m not investing in property that doesn’t have MY name on it” and “You need to be getting a salary if it’s a family business it should be run like a business” and guess what? Suddenly Mom says “She’s trying to come between us!” and suddenly my farmer says “Why are you trying to make me go against my Mom” and suddenly…guess what? I’m no longer engaged and he’s asking out some other girl…
After I had quit my job, and moved half of my things up to his ‘1970s double-wide with dust an inch thick on everything’.
So Christa…you got of lucky and dodged a bullet! She was independent and I believe Matt chose Brooke because she’s more “easily influenced” and a “follower”. Matt said that Christa “challenged him”, but a farmer doesn’t want a woman who will challenge him, he wants a woman to cook, do laundry, clean the house, raise the kids (farm hands), and go move the water-lines, drive the swather, feed the cattle, etc. He wants someone he can CONTROL and that was Brooke.

6. citygirl - Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Did I mention that MY farmer did not have a single thing of value in “his” name? Did I mention that even his truck was in his mom’s name?
I questioned myself long and hard about this wondering if maybe I was looking at things the wrong way… Maybe I put too much importance on independence and financial responsibility… I’m heart-broken.
I wanted to work beside my farmer. I was willing to help him build his place up; I baked him pies and fried him chicken and rode his 4-wheeler and cleaned his kitchen; I would have worked my butt off to make the ranch work;…only…it wasn’t his…and Mom was moving next door…and in the end it seemed like “mom” was more important than me, …and and…I think, like Christa, I dodged a bullet.

Any opinions?

7. JB* - Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Based solely on what we saw, I very well think you may be correct, citygirl.

Maybe they wanted to keep Matt’s real situation veiled in secrecy, so no one decided to fight dirty since he seemed well-off… or maybe it is all really family farm, as it sounds like your sitch was.

That being said – I knew a lot more guys who I went to high school with, or whom Mrs.JB* dated in her farm community, who look well off (for the area), but everything is in the family farm’s name – and therefore, very much at risk – or was bought for them.

It is admirable to have close ties to the family. But to that extent? Ehhh… that seems like a good reason to run.

What does surprise me is no girl on the show rebelled against the work. To be in a contest is one thing, but every time they showed Matt showing up to see the girls, it was with work.

8. citygirl - Wednesday, July 2, 2008

What those girls did on the farm didn’t really seem like “work”…it seemed a little bit like ‘can they handle gross stuff and animals’ It was all races and ‘fun’…I mean preg-checking a cow by sticking your arm up it’s ass ???? I think it was the “grossness factor”…and just to see how far are these girls willing to go.

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