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Showdown at Heartbreak Corral Thursday, June 19, 2008

Posted by JB* in I know the suspense is killing you, JB*, reality TV, The CW Will Put Anything On, The Farmer Wants a Wife.

It is a Final Four of a whole different kind – no pools, no wagers, no hoopla in a semi-major city which just happens to have a large arena. No, the Final Four of the Farmer Wants a Wife is here, and after replaying the stupidest elimination ever – checking if a cow is pregnant – I ponder the number of ways the show should have changed DF Dub’s “Fell In Love With a Country Girl” from the Big Brown Couch. Join me… after the jump.
The next morning, the girls are doing girlie morning things (including using the worst contraption known to man). Matt announces to the camera he is going bring the city to the girls. Last time – as in, last week – that was a rather half-ass pedicure. This time, it is their best friends from the city. Hugs and kisses and bouncing and sapphic fantasies abound.

Kanisha’s best friend – unnamed so far (Lana, we find out twenty-five minutes later in the show) – says she is out of her mind for being all country and not having sushi, and in return Kanisha offers a chicken to her to pet. Yup, she’s fitting in nicely. Elsewhere, Christa and Brooke both gossip about how much everyone hates the other. Christa’s friend pulls out a sheer garment and proposes she wear this to go out and “pick eggs”. Mrs.JB* says if you pick eggs out too hard, the chicken will be more pissed off than a girlfriend you don’t check with before going backdoor. And chickens have actual claws.

When Matt arrives I think his first thought is “more free labor!” He confirms this by giving them a cookbook, saying “Tonight, we (unspoken: “by we, I mean you”) will be cooking dinner for my family”, and leaves.

The girls begin preparing different courses of dinner. Brooke and her friend will surely be looked at differently by Matt’s family after seeing this air, since they are chopping watermelon on the floorboards of the front porch. You know – where everyone walks.

Dinner is taken out to the barn and the girls begin to get ready by donning cocktail dresses, which seems appropriate for a barn party. Before anyone is ready, Matt’s family arrives early. Eyebrows raise, dramatic music cues, and commercials start.

Matt arrives late – pisspoor hosting! – after the probably thirty people in his family are seated. Brooke is proving how awesome she is by charming people, but she just comes off as trying too hard to the others (and Mrs.JB*). Sister Matt busts out a cowboy hat out filled with questions which can be asked of the girls or the friends.

  • Question 1: Kanisha, why can’t you find a man in the city?
    Answer: The people I have tried to date are always someone’s ex, someone’s baby daddy (eyebrows raise), or someone’s someone, but Matt is just a good guy.
  • Question 2: Amanda, what does Matt farm?
    Answer: Rowcrops, which… I do not know. (In fairness, I don’t think it has been discussed. Everything has been about his neighbors and town and friends.)
  • Question 3: Christa’s friend, why does Christa want to marry a farmer?
    Answer: Chivalry is dead, and Matt is a genuine hardworking man, and Matt does not live behind anything concrete or hiding and she could not ask for anything different.
  • Question 4: Brooke, what is one quality about Matt you would change?
    Answer: That he actually owns something besides debt to his friends for borrowing all their stuff. Wait – that was just what Mrs.JB* blurted out.
    Real Spoken Answer: That he is dating three other ladies.

Christa and Kanisha stand up to announce it is their turn to ask questions. Matt makes an appalled face. Kanisha asks if his mother sees a farmer’s wife sitting here, to wish she replies yes, whichever one of you he chooses. Okay, apparently they were only going to ask one question. Matt seems pleased all in all, which seems reasonable given he did not do anything more difficult than sit on his backside.

After the friends leave, Matt pulls up for a group date – fishing. The girls all cheer and squeal, which seriously? Stale water, fishing bait. Christa snags the first fish – a fat ol’ ugly catfish, leading Brooke to challenge Matt to a fishing competition.

Not moments after the girls into one boat, Kanisha says she is scared of snakes and the worm freaks her out. The boat suddenly begins to sink – cause unknown, probably someone’s stupidly worn heels. Matt uses this opportunity to strip off his shirt, revealing a Tramp Stamp, a Ho Tag, a Panama License Plate, a set of Ass Antlers for the first time in the series. The producers use this opportunity to slow the music down and sex it up. Everything is apparently forgotten and a good time is had by all…

Until they get back to the house and Matt says tonight is an elimination day. That should be pleasant, with everyone smelling like dirty water. He also offers them a chance to talk to him one-on-one in advance.

Kanisha appreciates the opportunity and the chances to grow and to find these experiences and meet him. I think she suspects she is toast. Brooke downs some liquid courage, then puts him on the spot asking if there is a connection – which he does in the country sense, but continues that the others have other things to bring the table. Christa chooses the sexy route, and Amanda goes with the path of appreciating it all and the possibility of a future.

Metaphorically and literally, storm clouds gather. Matt takes the gals to use shotguns – seriously? This is a good idea after all the work they’ve put them through? Least of all, given he is about to tell one of them he cannot see having a relationship with her… while she has a firearm? I’ve seen this on my local news about once a month, usually accompanied by this graphic:

Uh Oh...

When they shoot, the cans will fall and a sign will tell them whether they sit pretty or go to the city, and holy shit. Amanda and Kanisha are going back.

Side note: This is a flat out surprise to me. I’ve been pretty adament that I thought Amanda was the favorite, and hell, I found this week that her MySpace page has had on it:

About me:
It’s SENIOR WEEK and I’m graduating with a 3.9 from Northwestern University!!! AHHH!!! Very soon, I’m making a major move which I am both scared and excited about! While I’m sad to see this all end, I’m also really excited for the next chapter in my life! Check out Farmer Wants a Wife on the CW on Wednesdays at 9/8c. for a special treat…just promise not to believe everything you see! Thank you to everyone who has watched and shown their support!

Sneaky, sneaky Amanda! Misleading me like that!

Matt tells Amanda that he just feels more of a connection with the two others, and with Kanisha he doesn’t feel he has made more than just a flirtatious connection. Amanda tells the remaining two to be “good and don’t kill each other.” (See graphic above).

Matt uses what is actually without a doubt – and seriously, this is saying something – the stupidest line he has uttered so far, “No more eliminations, just a wife.” Unless you are moving underground with the Henrickson family, that means there is going to be an elimination, whistledick.

He continues to say they will be having a good date tonight – all three of them. No one watching had that dream with these two girls. Maybe Ashley and Krista, or Lisa and Brooke, but not these two. This is just bizarre – there are not two more different girls, so one has to wonder if Matt really knows what it is he wants.

Finally Brooke takes off what we thought was a Nicotine patch – it was covering a snake tattoo. Well, yeah, now that she cannot be eliminated, she can do that. For their date, Matt goes out to a country hot tub, which looks like a giant barrell. A cow wanders by – despite the fact that the pen is closed, making it an obvious plant – as the girls make cherry jokes. The girls bash out their issues, and as they do, the motion of the water and the girls make it look like Christa is giving the Farmer a handjob.

Scenes from next week show we have gone totally upscale for the finale – the winner’s name will be flown on a banner attached to a cropduster overhead. That will be a tale to tell the kids in fifteen years.



1. Farmer Wants a Wife - The Final Four « The Wit and Wisdon of JB* - Monday, June 30, 2008

[…] post info By JB* Categories: DeadOn, Farmer Wants a Wife and JB* Tags: Farmer Wants a Wife With just four girls left (and only two weeks), we’re nearing the end of the show… but will the presumed favorite move along?  Catch the review from DeadOn. […]

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