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This show needs a shrink… Thursday, June 12, 2008

Posted by JB* in guilty pleasures, JB*, reality TV, The CW Will Put Anything On, The Farmer Wants a Wife, unhealthy obsessions.

In honor of the Final Five, a haiku in the renga style –

Farmer Wants A Wife
Lisa got bounced, name in lights
Ashley’s date went flat

Amanda is still my pick
They’ll light a bonfire this week

After the booting of Lisa and the Awwwwk-waaard Date between Matt and Ashley, I am on the Big Brown Couch hoping to stay above water and you can join me… after the jump.
We open the show with the gals hanging out in the house, reminiscing on how bad Ashley‘s date went when several neighbors from down the road show up on their doorstep. Jan the Nosy Neighbor says it is time for a spa treatment – mani! pedi! hairdo! Two of the neighbors will be doing their hair, and one is about forty with a side ponytail and giant bouffant beehive hair. This should not go well (though does somewhat in retrospect).

As the gals relax, Matt shows up and declares they will give back the town’s generosity… with a talent show. Using props he bought at a dollar store. See – a REAL small town wouldn’t even have a dollar store. It cannot be that bad there.

Each girl will perform one talent, with the town judging the best, and it “may” play into his decision. An extremely sunburned Mrs.JB* contributes “what a stupid idea, Matt and/or producers. As if the town is not going to judge them as it is, you are going to put them on display to be judged? How stupid. How completely stupid. I hate you for not being able to drink while watching this.”

As the girls practice their talents or lack thereof, Kanisha and Brooke get a little feisty over preparing for a finale. Neither likes the suggestions of the other, culminating in Brooke saying she is going to shoot Kanisha, which (understandably) she does not take well to. As Kanisha begins to pack her bags in protest, it is commercial time.

Post-commercials, there are tears and kvetching, then hugs and faux-making out. Matt shows up that night – wearing U Texas colors, in Mizzou country, blasphemy! – and takes the girls to the talent show, hosted once again by The Mayor.

Christa leads off with her performance of “Take Me Out To the Ballgame”, which no one seems to understand the humor of. The punch got a better reception, though it was probably spiked. Ashley, who has repeatedly told us she has no talent. She promptly proves that, though in at least mildly humorous fashion. Kanisha’s hula-hoop skills leave the crowd shaking their head, but Amanda plays the KLC Card and sings the National Anthem to raucous applause.

Brooke gets to follow up that performance by teaching line dancing. To country folk. In Missouri. The electric side, to be precise, or as Mrs.JB* says as she leaves the room “this is as dumb an idea as offering to teach a baby to crap itself.” Apparently, her real talent is in making my wife cringe. The Also, the Electric Slide does not go real well with single person piano playing.

Apparently, Mr. Mayor also serves as the official accounting firm of the town too, since he is tallying the votes. With drama, tension, and a commercial break for Hancock, Matt announces the gal Sitting Pretty this week is Brooke. This is Brooke’s third win in six competitions, and she will be thanking the Academy and the townfolk.

For the eighty-third time in the show, someone asks Matt if he is really ready to get married. He, once again, says he is. He is ready for responsibility, tired of being alone, tired of spending on himself (what???), and ready to spoil someone and share his life.

The Yellow Charter pulls up the driveway next morning, with Matt and new boots for Brooke. He proposes a hog roast for the day’s event, drawing dumbfounded looks as the girls board the bus. Very wasteful in this era of high gas prices to drive a full size bus for six people. The hog is spinning on the spit, which appears to send shivers up Ashley’s spine. Her disgust is the story of the show until Kanisha asks how long the bongfire will last.

The s’mores, beer, and games come out as Truth or Dare is underway. Matt leads by asking Ashley if she finds him attractive (yes), and Ashley responds with “Am I going home this week?” Not awkward. Not awkward unless we let it BE awkward.

Matt responds it is between two people, and she is one. The game of truth or dare stays lame, as he then issues the next challenge back at Ashley, asking if she still wants to be there (again, yes). He then says to wrap it up. Before they head back, Brooke does not at all appear needy, telling him she feels odd seeing Christa lick him and feeling put off that she hasn’t had a date.

The next morning, elimination time calls for the girls to check if cows are pregnant. Holy hell, that is disgusting and probably animal cruelty of some sorts. The girls don giant rubber gloves going up to their shoulder, slop on a ton of lube, and check to see if Matt is getting aroused. How the hell are they supposed to know if it is a calf or a just a normal part of the body? This is just flat out a terrible idea. See paragraph three after the jump to save me the time of rewriting.

Christa and Amanda are safe, leaving the drama of Ashley and Kanisha. The Doc whispers to Kanisha that what she feels is the cow being pregnant, so Ashley is the one to go. Ash – next time I am in the city, I’d be happy to show you a non-creepy country boy. You know, if I wasn’t married and all that. Brooke gets the one-on-one date, which I am sure here shameless pandering did not have anything to do with. However, she takes it far better than Josie did, though.

For the date, Brooke and Matt are off to picnic by boat. It is junior high-esque, very atwitter and “what do you want to know, no what to do want to know?” and bashfulness, which she puts an end to with a big ol’ kiss as the cameras pull back.

As Brooke tries to play coy about how the date went, the other girls get catty with th ConfessionCam. Kanisha knows he will be hers; Christa says he would be making a big mistake with Brooke and she is “gonna get herself a fuckin’ farmer”; and Ashley Amanda doesn’t take Brooke seriously since there’s not that much there to her.

Next week – a capsized boat, Interrogation by In-Laws, and a Gunfight Elimination!



1. Rockabye - Thursday, June 12, 2008

Tell you what: This is the most fun I’ve had with a show I’ve never watched.

2. DougOLis - Thursday, June 12, 2008

Agreed Rockabye, agrreed.

Who was the genius that thought of checking to see if a cow’s pregnant as a for of elimination? That is the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

Is there any change this ends up like Joe Millionaire in reverse where he’s actually a rich city boy?

3. JB* - Thursday, June 12, 2008

Doug –

I haven’t eliminated the chance that there is something coming like that. Nothing he has had them do is HIS stuff, as I pointed out a few weeks ago – it is always “his buddy was kind enough to share” or “my neighbor”.

Probably not, since he has done so much other press, but there is that chance.

And thanks for the compliment, gentlemen :)

4. Farmer Wants a Wife - The Final Five « The Wit and Wisdon of JB* - Thursday, June 12, 2008

[…] post info By iamjb Categories: Farmer Wants a Wife and JB* Tags: DeadOn, Farmer Wants a Wife, JB* Ah, the days where I will be enjoying the company of The Farmer and his brood are drawing to a close.  Five women are left to vie for his heart, and I covered it all at DeadOn… […]

5. Mrs_JB* - Sunday, June 15, 2008

….”and Ashley doesn’t take Brooke seriously since there’s not that much there to her.”….

It’s like you don’t even remember who your favorite is. AMANDA didn’t take Brooke seriously. Man. Good thing you’re not from a super-small town… You’re a horrible gossip.

Rockabye – wanna trade seats? I’d be much happier if I didn’t have to watch this show :D

6. Showdown at Heartbreak Corral | Million Dollar Password - Thursday, June 19, 2008

[…] happens to have a large arena. No, the Final Four of the Farmer Wants a Wife is here, and after replaying the stupidest elimination ever – checking if a cow is pregnant – I ponder the number of ways the […]

7. spit card game - Tuesday, July 29, 2008

[…] still my pick They??ll light a bonfire this week After the booting of Lisa and the Awwwwk-waaard Dathttps://deadon.wordpress.com/2008/06/12/this-show-needs-a-shrink/USPC – Childrens Card GamesChildren&aposs card Games … taken in this game, everyone plays at the […]

8. Miley-Cyrus-Fan - Friday, August 1, 2008

hmm.. thank you very much. usefull information

9. Janet20 - Sunday, August 3, 2008

Super. It took almost a day to find this info. Thanks! Good job. :)

10. Rising Superstar - Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Sure does sound like that show needs a shrink. I watched it once and decided it wasn’t for me.

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