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Flake Off Thursday, June 5, 2008

Posted by JB* in guilty pleasures, I know the suspense is killing you, JB*, reality TV, The CW Will Put Anything On, The Farmer Wants a Wife, Things I Wrote At My Real Job.

Now this is a story all about how
one farmer‘s world got flipped upside down
Ten women from the city came into his life
And one may get lucky, ’cause this Farmer Wants A Wife

Portage-Des-Sioux, Missouri is where the show’s set
Last week they had a hoe-down, the most painful thing yet
After pickin ears of corn out in some guy’s field
Brooke was sittin’ pretty thanks to her yield

When a couple of Bible Gals seemed up to no good
Started doin’ stripper moves on the dancin’ wood
Stacey’s cups flowed over but her Mason Jar was dry
and now you’re caught up on Farmer Wants a Wife

With that out of my system, join me after the jump for this week’s installment of tears, beers, and a very special episode of Farmer Wants A Wife where Matt says “Out here in the country, everyone helps everyone” for the one hundredth time. Balloons optional.

Ah, morning on the farm begins the way most country mornings do – Bible reading, curling irons, and catfights. Battle lines are drawn as Ashley, Amanda, and Christa against Brooke, Lisa and innocent bystander KJ.

Matt shows up and asks them how they feel about shearing sheep. As if they really have a choice, Matt? Christa asks Farmer Steve what they will use the fur for as the wallowing fiddle sound calls her out as CityGal – it is wool. Point of order – these sheep were way too short-wooled for a cut. As the girls finish up, Ashley asks if they can give a sheep a Brazilian. Waa-waa-waaa…

A challenge is thrown out – the girls will be meeting ol’ Miss Donna of Miss Donna’s Award Winning Pie Co in preparation for the fair. Miss Donna looks like a cross between Edie McClurg and Mimi from Drew Carey. Lisa frets about the challenge and how a bite of her pie may bite her in the butt. Bah doom boom chh.

It is evident the only thing most of these girls can make is a phone call. Kanisha didn’t think the instructions were really needed, Brooke thought nutmeg was cinnamon, and Lisa’s looks like dried out Play-Doh. Ashley and Amanda look like the favorites, but Miss Donna says they’re all just so sweet and wishes they could all win (offer only valid in Utah).

Back in the house, the alcohol is freely flowing. Ashley says she wishes wine came out of breasts, and earns my respect. When Matt shows with the groceries, the group decides to start playing drinking games.

He leads with “Are you ready to get married?”

  • Amanda – “If I was very sure about the relationship”
  • Christa – “I could get there in the right relationship”
  • Lisa – “I’m not sure”

They then start to play an Improv-type game where you have to keep asking questions – no statements. It gets rather raunchy when it reaches Ashley with “Would you like to fuck?” Yeah – she’s going home. In the one-on-one, Brooke and Lisa cheer. Ashley hangs her head, stressed, and cue commercial!

The next day, Matt comes to pick up the gals for the Town Fair (held July 15, 2007, in case you want to make your way down there this year)! Following the winning of a cheap tiger in the dart toss, it is Bake Off time! The Mayor of the town – who looks like my high school chemistry teacher – emcees and judges. With dramatic music, they stretch this into a ten minute deal. The women of town – not five feet behind the girls – start mocking them for not being able to bake. Gasp, shame, appall, horror! After one judge is brought near tears from Brooke’s nutmeg, the winner – hands down – is… commercials!

Oh, we’re back. Amanda gets the blue ribbon and to sit pretty, and the CW guys get called out. We knew this from last week’s promos. Be a little more secretive next time, Evil CW Promo Guy. The group walks the fair and Matt stops to introduce them all to the family. Momma worries about her baby boy, for good cause – has she met these girls?

Matt somehow finds his way into a kissing booth – what are the odds? – and all the girls start dropping tickets. All are pretty tame, except Lisa tries to slip some tongue, Kanisha gets a free kiss (intriguing…), and Brooke kisses him on the cheek. Matt – who Mrs.JB* has pointed out numerous times tonight “is an idiot”- wonders what is wrong with her that she wouldn’t kiss him on the lips. Methinks he is not the innocent farm boy he wants us to believe…

In a not-at-all embarrassing way, fireworks set off the name of the girl to be eliminated this week. In front of the whole town, Lisa discovers her fate is sealed. I am guessing they didn’t all exchange emails on the way out. Matt doesn’t even give her a reason, just a kiss on the cheek. He then chooses Ashley for the date to the surprise of all, and the chagrin of Brooke. In a not at all whiny way, she asks if Matt even likes her.

Special date time to Miss Donna’s restaurant, where Matt tells her she is attractive and more mature, but then there was the whole “Wanna fuck?” thing. She gets all teary-eyed, saying it was a mistake and the result of frustrations in the house. The date goes very awkwardly, as they struggle to find a connection. I think we know who goes home next week.

Next week – bonfire, truth and date, and some sort of super-secret elimination method!



1. Mrs_JB* - Thursday, June 5, 2008

I’m glad I went to bed.
matt is an idiot.
I am so drinking next season.
Happy Birthday.

2. DougOLis - Thursday, June 5, 2008

Happy Birthday? Happy Birthday JB!

So tonight we learned that he’s ok with fucking but not kissing with tongue? Sounds like someone’s seen a few working class ladies in his day.

3. The Farmer Wants a Wife - Episode 5 « The Wit and Wisdon of JB* - Thursday, June 12, 2008

[…] Farmer Wants a Wife – Episode 5 Book your travel arrangements now – it is almost fair time in Portage Des Sioux, […]

4. John - Saturday, June 14, 2008

Where is Miss Donna’s restaurant, even a name would be helpful! My wife watches the show, and I say no self respecting 28 year old man is that wholesome! My guess is he’s not attracted to any of the women!…and Brook, well he just wants to Control her, like a circus act! She has to live his life! As for me I would blow a tank of gas to just eat some apple Pie at Miss Donna’s restaurant. My wife can’t cook, or bake or anything close to cooking….can anybody help me with at least an address?

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