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One Hoe-down Thursday, May 29, 2008

Posted by JB* in JB*, maybe you should read a book instead, reality TV, The CW Will Put Anything On, The Farmer Wants a Wife, Things too long to read.
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What we learned last week:

  • Silly Farmer, kicking off my pick.
  • The Quasi-Alexis got a great date to visit the parents
  • The Religious Girls, who BadNails got pissy with, visited our Farmer in the middle of the night – stealing some poor guy’s truck in the process.
  • We know there is hoe-downing this week, so yes – the title had to be done.

Back on the Big Brown Couch this week is Mrs.JB*, whose pregnancy-ravaged hormones are leading to some very off-color remarks, and the SpazoDog. Join us after the jump…

Matt opens the show with a woe-woe pity me all these girls are vying competing [ed. note – realized “vying” is probably too big a word for Matt later in the show] for my attention blah blah while the girls are all whispering and gossiping about in the house. Mrs.JB* points out several girls need to shave their pits. Meanwhile, in the goatpen the gals watch one start to give birth. They’re disgusted, then call it the most adorable thing. Kanisha asks if the kid is a mini-goat.

I am starting to think that this show is all about free labor, as Matt’s buddy Jeff needs some corn work done. In something that will probably be important, Stacey cannot get the truck in gear and going, as a voice over opines “I am not sure she’d make it the country.” This show has an anvil of subtlety going.

To Jeff’s farm we (eventually) get, where he has sweet corn in need of picking. Once again, Matt says everyone helps everyone in the country. The challenge – get two dozen ears of corn in each of the three baskets. Winner is “sitting pretty and not goin’ back to the city.” As Brooke and Lisa smile all flirty, Christa says to the Camera of Truth “I hate them!”

The girls take off into the stalks, and probably trample as much corn as they pick. Several of the girls are in tanks or short sleeves, which is going to be a bit painful against the sharps on the ears, or could get them chiggers. As the challenge begins and the girls take off, the dirty pool starts immediately. Lisa steals The Frontrunner‘s bucket (unknowingly). Kanisha shows her scrappy side again, carrying corn in the baskets, arms, and in her shirt. If she were a basketball player, she would be a gymrat.

As they cut to commercial with slow running drama, Mrs.JB* is actually cheering for BadNails to hipcheck or trip one of the ReligiousGirls so they do not win. Damn you CW for drawing us in! By the way, Gossip Girl – all the promos saying “One of the Fall’s Hottest Shows”, know that it is summer.

Brooke pulls down her second challenge in a row, so despite the Midnight Trip, she will be safe. As Jeff counts the ears of corn, they bust Lisa for having four baskets and Sort-of-Alexis starts screaming “cheater!” In more foreshadowing, Stacey is the last one – literally lost in the field. But her cleavage is prominent on the way in.

Before the group date the girls are off to learn squaredancing. All the girls get very… white… shouting “Yee haw!” and “Woooo!” and “Awwww rigggght!” I feel embarrassed for them and, frankly, I am likely the whitest man alive. Again, Stacey is shown as too high maintenance, since she is having a temper tantrum over not finding the right shoes.

After some very lame squaredancing (as if there is any other kind. Sorry to my second grade teacher Mrs. Davidson), Lisa and Brooke ask the decidedly motherly square dance teacher if she wants to see how city girls dance. With a series of moves aptly described as “skank ass ho” (thank you, Christa), the teachers say they’ll just stick with squaredancing. Also, at some point they started calling Kanisha “KJ”. Is that to make her more relatable to the rest of the town?

Some producer sends the girls authentic square dressing outfits and Matt brings them corsages. Matt reminds them all that they should bring their “A” Game tonight, since farmers can dance, y’all. Mrs.JB* busts out laughing, then makes me pause it to tell the story of how her junior prom date, a farmboy who went on to be a D2 lineman, actually broke two toes on her foot. The gals begin to fight over who gets to dance with Matt, and Amanda gets the win. While they waltz, we are once again treated to the blatent obviousness that she is probably the winner. While Stacey (and her altered-dress cleavage) hang out in the back, Matt ponders if she is into him since she did not dance with him. Self-absorbed much?

Much gossip is about the house as to who is going home. General consensus is Lisa or Stacey, and I’ve been watching for forty-one minutes, so know my guess. Into a big barn they go, and it appears they will be doing shots for elimination as there are moonshine jugs and Mason jars. I speak for many of my fellow Kentuckians as I claim bullshit. Missouri cannot make moonshine.

Each gal will pour their jug, and if their cup floweth over, they are safe. I am actually in pain listening to this. Everyone makes a mess, and we come down to Stacey and Lisa. Shock, awe, amaze, and the slow drumbeat leads to commercial. Aaaaaaand… Stacey comes up bone dry.

Kanisha gets the date and told to bring the boots, chaps, and spurs. Ashley expresses her disappointment, but is okay with it, since there may be some “differences” between them he will see tonight. Alluding to anything particular, Ashley?

The other girls offer Kanisha $25 to leave a hickey on Matt. She won’t follow through on it, though, as they are off riding on horses which look about ninety-two years old. Barbaro and Eight Belles would beat these things in a race. A blanket goes down so they can get cozy. Matt calls her “swell” which certainly does not sound like the mark of a winner, then goes in for a kiss. Kanisha calls it a feeling like “Cinderella on her first date with Prince Charming.” However, she does not lose a shoe.

Next time – town fair and drinking with Matt!

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Comments»

1. Rockabye - Thursday, May 29, 2008

Why in God’s name does this show eliminate someone, THEN award a date? Doesn’t that break every Reality Show Rule?

Also, ’cause I read these faithfully, you better read my recaps of The Mole, which, if there is a God, will be as good as the first two seasons were…

2. JB* - Thursday, May 29, 2008

A fair question. My assumption is because it helps limit the number girls the Farmer has to choose from. He’s not exactly as sharp as the blades on his John Deere Round Baler.

I look forward to The Mole recaps. But which season was Celebrity Mole? I hope Three, because it was rough. Think Anderson Cooper looks back?

3. Rockabye - Thursday, May 29, 2008

Two “real” Mole seasons, two Celeb seasons, in order. I wish Anderson Cooper were back, ’cause he was damn good in that role.

The Celeb seasons were awful.

4. DougOLis - Thursday, May 29, 2008

How could you not like the celebrity versions of The Mole? It had Stephen Baldwin!

5. JB* - Sunday, June 1, 2008

Test comment from my new phone…

6. The Farmer Wants a Wife - Episode 4 « The Wit and Wisdon of JB* - Thursday, June 12, 2008

[…] Farmer Wants a Wife – Episode 4 This time around, one ho-down […]


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