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Hi Ho The Derry-o, The Farmer Makes a Bad Choice Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Posted by JB* in F*ck, this has a lot of links!, I Should Be Sleeping, JB*, lame attempts at children's poetry, maybe you should read a book instead, reality TV, The CW Will Put Anything On, The Farmer Wants a Wife, Things too long to read, TV, unhealthy obsessions.
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When we last left our intrepid fish out of water –

  • The crazy WomanChild left, but didn’t go without a temper tantrum that should keep her from being picked up in bars for months.
  • The Religious Girls were hitting on everything in the bars
  • Krista with a K sat pretty, encouraging my case of her as a favorite… though saying the country was kind of boring won’t help her in the long run.
  • Stacey wouldn’t shut up.  Maybe she got a concussion when she hit her head… and the fun is underway as the girls start to backstab.

Solo on the Big Brown Couch – where I try to keep from taking up residence – away we go, after the jump.

With no discussion about last week, some of the girls get the bright idea to wash his truck. Instead, they start a water fight, until Mama walks up, taking all the girls into a quilting shop.  Crazy fun in cowtown!

Aside – one of my favorite parts of the show is when Kanisha walks into somewhere in the town and everyone has to stop and stare.  Not that I have lived places like that at all.

The girls chat up the older ladies about what are they looking and seeing so far with farm life… and here come the claws!  Backstabbing and criticizing about fake connections and how “in love” they are lead to Brooke using the first “You don’t know me” of the series!  Damn – I picked Stacey in the pool.

The backwhispering continues back at the house until Matt pulls up, when the Play Nice begins.  Ashley is actually twirling her hair as she talks to the farmer.  It is Tractor Race Time!

Yes, Farmer Frank needs some help… doing something.  His field is harvested and the bales already made.  First to get their bales to the bean field sits pretty this week.  Going to be awful tough, given most of his fleet is Model B tractors, it looks like.  Farmer Frank should get himself over to his local dealer in Jerseyville to update those machines – get himself an 8 Series Tractor and Baler – just saying.  He teaches the gals to drive a tractor – note to Lisa, heels are likely not going to be a good choice – and the “basics” leave them confused.  Kanisha cannot even get her tractor started, allowing Matt to come to her rescue.  Krista has her win all but sealed for the second week when she drops a bale off five feet from the end.  The slight delay gives the win to… commercial… Brooke.  But only by the length of a nipple.

Now that they’ve worked hard, it is time to play – and it is barbeque night.  Which to be fair, looks more like a grill out than a barbeque (sorry – pet peeve).  With the food grilled, it is Matt’s turn:

  • Lisa wants to know what he thinks about the City Girls.  He is impressed.
  • Lisa follows up if he is really ready to be married.  He is, if he really loves the girl.
  • Krista asks if he is ready to be completely honest, which seems to be off-putting to him since he fees he has been.  Stacey asks what qualities he is looking for, and Matt says attitude (long camera pause on Krista) and honesty.  Not everyone is attracted to everyone, he continues, but he feels he has a good crop (rimshot!) here.  Tomorrow’s group date will require a bikini.  Yay.

The girls are getting really dolled up for going to the river for swimming – make up, curled hair, and little heeled flip-flops.  Mama cooked for the picnic – a sign, girls! – and as they discuss it, Matt voiceovers about what a solid choice Amanda would be, saying “You can’t go wrong with her.”  Foreshadow much?

As they eat, Ashley proposes “Would you rather…”:

  • Ashley to Matt: Make out with Farmer Frannie or suck the big toe of the bingo caller?  He picks Frannie, the 95 year old pig farmer.  I think he has an anti-foot fetish.
  • Matt to Ashley:  Rather make out with Brooke or Lisa? He has my interest.  She chooses Brooke, and I am more intrigued.
  • Matt to Stacey: Rather say that every lady here is themself in front of him or someone different in the house without him around?  I think this answer is obvious, but glances go all around.
  • Krista to Matt: Rather have a wife with a 9 to 5 job, or a wife on the farm.  the guitar strings go awry on the soundtrack, and again, the Harbringer of Doom appears to be upon us.  I don’t think your ample bosom will help you.  He says her working on the farm would be icing on the cake, which is not really an answer.
  • Lisa to Matt: Rather live a week and do something awesome, or live to 100 and be just normal.  He responds by saying last one to the water is a rotten egg.

As they horse in the water, Matt loses his tree limb-as-bat and hits Krista in the hand with it.  She goes to sit in the truck and the rest of the gals continue having fun.  Titus actually makes a funny, saying he is sorry his big wood hurt her.  Not as much cleavage as one would expect in this scene.

Back home… Elimination by Quilt!  Miss Sharon will embroider the name of the girl going home on a picture of a bunch of birds.  This is excruciiating on TV.  I am sure live it was just brutal to the girls.  Anyway, after mixing up the letters, it is Krista.  She cries, and I am ticked too.  Seems like a double kick, given he almost broke her hand.

He chooses Amanda (our Alexis Bidel look-a-like) for the one-on-one date, and Brooke looks pissed.  Not the Christian way, dear.  For their date, he takes her… dinner with Mom and Dad.  Mom asks what she thinks about being this farmer’s wife, and she replies “He is hot.  And he likes to make people feel good.”  The steel guitar goes awry, til they laugh.  Mom and Dad loved her, he says in the barn, and that he thinks she will be around for quite awhile.  He gives her a kiss – with tongue! – as he drops her off.  The girls spy and look distraught.

As they pan to the full fall moon, there’s a quick snap-back.  Brooke and Lisa are stealing the Big Red Truck to go see Matt.  In the middle of the night.  He has a mason jar and looks half asleep, so he is probably drunk.  He also doesn’t look too pleased, and as they drive home, they opine if they have just screwed themselves and guaranteed they will be sent home next week.  My guess – yeah.

But who cares – because next week we square dance!

My apologies for the late posting and the lack of funny.  This week was a lot of hard skips and cuts with little flow to the show.  Plus, I am drinking bourbon.  It is good.  Join me again next week – or as the rest of the world calls it, “tomorrow” – to see who puts the ho in ho down.  Possibly in rhyme.



1. JB* - Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I know it may be crushing to all y’all, but I misspoke – Farmer tonight is just repeats against the Idol Finale. Nothing new until next week.

More time to write my Farmer Song.

2. DougOLis - Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Love the “She’s Scrappy” tag

3. The Farmer Wants a Wife - Episode 3 « The Wit and Wisdon of JB* - Thursday, June 12, 2008

[…] Farmer Wants a Wife – Episode 3 In which our hero makes a stupid, stupid decision and makes me a sad […]

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