American Idol Roundtable – The Finals Recap

It’s all over but the crocodile tears and the tween screaming. Last night left zero doubt as to whom it was that the judges wanted to win the show, and after tonight’s two hour self-congratulatory, anti-climactic, masturbatory extravaganza, we will be free from the shackles of Idol until next January. So, join us won’t you, for one last trip around the roundtable…

Matt_T:

Michael Buffer? Srsly AI? What year is this? And they have them in robes? This is beyond lame. These interviews are so filled with cliches I think I’m going to vomit.

Clive’s pick for Cookie is “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” by U2. I’m not a big U2 fan but this was a solid pick by Clive and a really good performance. His voice really shined on this song.

Archuleta is doing “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me” Oh good, another ballad. Come on Clive, you’re better than that. His voice sounded amazing as usual, and hey he kept his eyes open. But as usual it was the same olzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

More stupid boxing analogies and round 2 is a song from the song writers competition.
“Dream Big” is the entry for Cookie and he’s playing the guitar. Hey what do you know, the lyrics are ‘inspirational’ He did well with what he had to work with.
“In This Moment” is the vomit inducing ballad that Archuleta chooses to sing. This is exactly what’s ‘wrong’ with Idol. I know the crowning songs are always bad, but this is turrible and of course the judges love it. I think we need to change up the judges and get some fresh opinions.

More boxing analogies. blah blah blah. Contests choice.
Cookie chooses “The World I Know” by Collective Soul. Nice choice. He’s slowed it down a good bit, but it works. He showcases his voice, and the falsetto at the end is beautiful. Well done Cook. I hope you win. That was his best performance on the show by far. And Simon is wrongfully slamming him saying he should of repeated a song. That’s complete bullshit, Cook did something different and got slammed.

Archie is repeating “Imagine” blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Whatever, same old shit. The judges obviously want him to win for some reason and I’m sure he will.

It was a solid night for Archie, but I think Cookie was better by far. I don’t think Cook can get past Archuleta’s voting block and the judges bias.

Fat-Fat:

Well here we are. The battles of the Davids. Fuck Goliath, he was obviously a big panty waist. He can’t defeat these two? Really? Anyway Emoboy seems to be riding a bit of a wave since people SEEM to be catching on to Dreamboat’s act. You know the act. The one where he sings well but the songs are all gross and boring and crappy and even if it’s a good song he makes it lame. We shall see.

Don’t fuck it up guy…and guy.

This opening is very stupid. Both guys are wearing boxing outfits as Michael Buffer introduces them. Seriously. I spy some KLC pie in the crowd. The whole gang seems to be there. Christ. They are both going to sing 3 songs. Make it one and let’s all go home happy.

COME ON ALREADY! Seacrest finally introduces the two contestants. Now the judges are talking. START! IT! Maybe I have ADHD. And then they go to commercial. Arghhh.

I have to say that Pittsburgh has a pretty impressive looking attendance for the visiting Brewers. I keed. 1-0 Crew anyway. You know how they got that lone run. Bases loaded and no outs. That’s how we roll. Of course Jerkwheat feels the pain.

1. Emoboy is up first. His hair as always looks like shit. I guess people eat up that shit. Clive Davis picks his song. “I still haven by U2. I hate this song choice for him. He is singing it rather well but I don’t like it. Now the music kicks in and it sounds much better. He really does know how to work a crowd. Older and obviously more polished than Dreamboat. That said I thought it was just OK. Randy liked it. Paula rambles. Simon really liked it. I think Simon might be planting seeds to vote against PantyCreamer.

2. CreamPants will sing “Don’t Let That Particular Son Go Down On Me” by Elton John. It sounds good and he sings it well and it is the same ass shit as every single fucking week. I can’t say I am surprised that this song was chosen for him. Randy thought it was one on the best performances. Yawn. Same as always. Paula vomits praise. Simon says it’s arguable the best he’s done so far. As for my conspiracy theory of planting seeds…
I thought this performance was no different than any other. BORING! Maybe I just hate DreamBoat now. Naw, just bored. Maybe a little hate.

Now for the contestant choice songs. This boxing shit has to stop.

3. Emoboy is singing “Dream of Dave” by Fartface. Sorry missed it. I don’t know the song but he is playing guitar and doing a bit of his rock guy thing. This song is right for him and he did a good job. I hated his last note. Sounded off to me. Randy loved the last note and loved him. Paula loved it. I agree with Simon that it wasn’t a winning song. It was rather meh. He did it well but whatever.

4. Dreamboat is up singing “It Doesn’t Matter Because It’s The Same Shit As Always” by 2PAC. It sounds good and my brain is going to explode. Fuck this I am already writing my review for his next song. Randy didn’t like the song but says he could sing the phonebook. Paula says it doesn’t matter what you sing because it always is good. PROBABLY BECAUSE IT’S ALWAYS THE FUCKING SAME! Simon liked it says he won the “round”.

5. Cook is up. I want him to win so bring it. Jim Lampley can die. “the world I know” by collective soul. I like the song. Hence I like his choice. CS is not my favorite band by a long shot. He’s playing a slow version of it. Making it his own if you will. I kinda like it. I am really digging the chorus. He did a great job. He is tearing up. Fag. I keed. He is just answering the croc tears of Dreamboat.* Randy liked it. Paula gave a standing ovation. Simon didn’t like it that much. Oh well.

*There is a lot of pressure on these guys so I don’t mind if they tear up.

6. Dreamboat is singing “Imagine” by John Lennon. Pretentious little puss. I have not heard him sing it and I will say it is the same shit. Syrupy, schmaltzy, and the SAME. Prove me wrong….

Nope. Same shit. Yawn. “Imagine” should always be done with a piano or not done at all. Randy pimps him as the best singer. He was. And boring. Paula lactates. Simon says Dreamboat is a star. Oh, and a knockout. What’s up with this boxing theme. It was bad bad bad.

I think Dreamboat wins going away. Sigh. Cook was probably better and will sell more albums.

But hey! This has been a blast recapping this horrid season with Jerkwheat, JB* and Matt. I really had a lot of fun regardless of how much torture I had to endure with Dreamboat, Amanda, and Castro. I hope someone or some readers got a laugh or not from my lunatic rantings.

JB*:

As the other two gentlemen have effectively covered the show as of this writing, I will add the following thoughts only –

Neither contestant strayed from their zone too much. I thought DCook did just slightly better by showing a bit more range tonight – though none was all that far of a departure from his comfort. Nothing he did would shake down the thunder, but at least it was not all exactly the same like Dreamboat has been (all season long).

If you are a Dreamboat fan, yes – he is the better singer. He clearly was tonight and has been almost all season, except for what, two?, performances which were weak for him but better than what most everyone else could hope for. I also thought it was incredibly lame for him to perform “Imagine” a second time.

I am confused – in past years, Simon has claimed the contest is to find the best performer; this year he keeps saying it is a singing competition. Perhaps he is bent on ensuring Dreamboat’s victory, since Cook is the better performer/entertainer, Archuleta the best singer.

I’d almost wonder if leaving the voting open for four hours is a favor to David Cook. After all, if the show ends at 9 pm Eastern (8 Central), shouldn’t the tweens be in bed by 10 pm? Maybe EmoBoi has a shot!

In conclusion – Carly better show up tomorrow night to entertain and give me a last image for the mental bank. Thank y’all for tolerating us and the season – it’s been a treat.

And starting next week you can switch to “Farmer Wants A Wife”.

Jerkwheat:

Last night was probably the most angry I’ve ever found myself at a stupid tv show that I’m, truthfully now, not really that into anymore. Especially not with this years cast of general yawners. But never did I think I’d see the judges so completely in the tank for David Archuletta. Archie has been solid almost every week. I give him that. And a lot of David’s “originality” came from co-opting other bands arrangements early on. But something happened around the middle of the season where Cook became the more engaging performer who was actually willing to take a risk with songs not everyone knew. Meanwhile, Archuletta kept on driving the ballad train sans one trip to Chris Brown-ville, where he clearly did not belong. It will be a long time before I get the thought of him singing the words “my boo” out of my head. The horrors. But last night was the final proof that the producers and judges on this show have zero idea as to what constitutes popular music anymore.

Lets look at the past Idol winners: It took a duet with the aforementioned Mr. Brown on “No Air” to save Jordin’s album, Taylor Hicks is nowhere to be found, and Fantasia and Rueben are off in the land of R&B radio so I can’t really say if there are doing anything, but I don’t think their sales really exist much anymore. This leaves us with the two successful Idol winners, Kelly and Carrie. Kelly’s star has faded quite a bit in her shift away from pop and into a more-MOR rock sound. Carrie is a bonafide country music star. The biggest Idol star of all these days is likely Chris Daughtry, whose Nickelback-lite rock is all over the radio and has consistently sold big. To recap: Idol’s three biggest sellers are Kelly’s alt-pop, Carrie’s county, and Daughtry’s butt-rock. For a show based on Pop Idol, there really has been only one true pop star created in Kelly. So, why, I ask, are they so obsessed with crowning a winner who will be lucky to meet Clay Aiken’s fate in the world of pop radio? How are you going to make him hip? Is he just going to be pitched to Radio Disney? Good luck with that as the Jonas Brother and Miley Cyrus look like AC/DC next to Archie. He might have a big selling debut on zero radio play (a la Clay), but those tweens who are voting for him now will be teenagers with fickle taste by the time album two comes around. By then, they’ll have moved on to the urban top 40 pop songs that dominate the Top 10 of Billboard right now. Or the Creedleback-Daughty “rock” that gets airplay there too. Or they’ll be emos. Either way, Archie looks screwed to me and Cook seems well positioned to make the MOR rock album that he is destined for. He remains the only one to create a radio-ready song this year with his version of “Always Be My Baby” and for as terrible as the songwriting competition song he picked last night was lyrically, it was at least catchy.

So, in the end, screw you Idol for not making it a fair fight. There wasn’t much to criticize about either performer last night, but you got what you wanted and pumped up the kid. The kid whom you will be able to control and make create a terrible pop album. Enjoy your further dimming star, American Idol. I’ll always remember what we had the first five seasons.