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The Nurse Takes a Cow (or, The Farmer Kicks One Out) Thursday, May 8, 2008

Posted by JB* in JB*, lame attempts at children's poetry, maybe you should read a book instead, reality TV, The CW Will Put Anything On, The Farmer Wants a Wife, Things too long to read.
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Hi-ho the derry-o, here’s what we know:

  • Strapping farmer lad Matt lives small country town life and wants a wife.
  • Said small country town is actually only twenty-nine miles from the St. Louis Arch – so not quite as remote as The CW wants us to believe.
  • Several of the vying females must either be very dull or not last long, because the first week focused on only half the group. The rest were background actors.
  • Josie, who may be a man, should not live anywhere there is not a doorman or where there may be minorities. She also thinks she is an eleven.
  • Christa earned the first personal date, Krista is this reviewers favorite, and Kanisha got to sit pretty by being scrappy and catching the most chickens. Yeah – I used scrappy to describe a non-white person. Sports journalists everywhere just died inside.

Mrs.JB* joins me on the Big Brown Couch again to make snarkastic comments and tell me all the things the commercials make her want to buy after the jump.

Cleavage! The rooster crows, breasts hang out of tank tops, and Brooke and Lisa are reading the Bible. The girls attempt to make breakfast, and some cannot even figure out how to crack an egg open or open a cantaloupe. Matt arrives with sticky buns from Miss Frannie Goose, and Lisa asks if they have to feed the animals manually. Sore thumb, stick out.

As they breakfast, Matt waxes poetic that one of these women will be his wife and it is “reality”, then says Farmer Dunkman has some pigs for them. ManChild Josie wants to know if she should wear a sports bra, while Mrs.JB* begins to dry heave based on the sight of pigslop. A wretched, wretched smell y’all, and most of the girls cover their noses as they approach the pen. Farmer Dunkman wants them to clean ’em all up for the Fair. Let the hilarity ensue as everyone but Josie and Lisa try to chase the pigs for cleaning, including Stacey, who smacks her head on a wooden beam. Sympathy vote time!

Home from the pigs, the girls start to shower outside in their bikinis. I think I saw this on Cinemax once. Several girls try to help Matt wash and the ManChild – still not doing anything – asks if he wants to wait til marriage or “test drive the product” first. Drama, drums, commercial.

After the latest buzz on Gossip Girl (yes, I love it!)… he would like to wait. Several girls look crushed, some applaud a gentleman, and all think Josie is a biotch, except Stacey, who still feels woozy.

Challenge time! First one to complete her chores is “made in the shade” – not nearly as cheesy as “Walking tall cotton”. The girls will have to:

  • Get an ounce of milk for a goat
  • Spray paint a cow (Mrs.JB* had to do forty hours of community service for that)
  • Muck a stall
  • Say “My chores are done!”

The milking of the goats goes without major destruction, but Josie looks like she is rubbing one out and the goat does NOT enjoy it. Several girls chase after the cows which not surprisingly, they do not like. Krista calmly walks up to one and sprays it easily, and cakewalks to the victory in the stallmucking. The girls get catty back in the house after cleaning up and Mrs.JB* says “THIS! is why she does not have a lot of female friends.”

It is group date time to play bingo at the VFW. Guess Missouri is different than back home – bingo was always at the Catholic church. As the girls enter,eighty year old heads spin. Josie continues to win fans by thumping for George Bush and wanting to know how to tell who is a rich farmer. Mrs.JB* – “I swear, every time she speaks, I want to cut someone.” I am moving to a chair.

Each girl gets to introduce herself to the town, which is befuddled by the sight of Kanisha. The other girls give their spiel, and folks just look pissed someone is interrupting their game. Also, Lisa quotes Ecclesiastes, referring to the fact that we all are on the earth for a limited time only. Consider your audience, girl. Josie calls the group elderly and again pitches for the Jews and Christians to band together.

Elimination by BINGO! Slightly less perilous than death by ooga-booga, but equally traumatic to one girl. This is drawn out and painful but the result is good – Josie is gone.

Her parting words are that Matt is cheap and all he made them do was work and this sucked. And she wants a parting gift. The whole town laughs, but she goes back to the house with one of his friends and refuses to leave without reimbursement for her ruined shoes… or until the sheriff is called. Matt’s buddy is pissed cause girl, he’s got things to do. What looks like an hour or two later, Josie is still out front and pours water on a cow. She calls Matt a cheap bastard again to the camera, and finally leaves.

Stacey gets the prize date for the night and gets skanked up while Matt is in hole-filled jeans. They go to a drive-in movie against the side of his buddy’s bar. Mrs.JB* wants to know why everything belongs to his buddy – does this guy actually have anything? This gal is a talker! Matt looks like she never shut up.

The other girls decide to go out on their own and basically take over a bar. Every time they cut back to the bar, there are more and more guys are there. Town Phone Tree is in effect! Brooke and Lisa are flirting with all of the folks at the bar. And that is it… we cut to scenes from next week. The Over the Top character is gone, which makes it intriguing how the drama will proceed.

Like Matt’s truck – I am taillights.



1. DougOLis - Thursday, May 8, 2008

Big Brown Couch? You skinned the horse for your leather couch? That is not cool, and had to be pretty expensive.

I’m pretty sure my grandma would start cursing at them and throwing stuff if anyone interrupted her BINGO game.

2. Fat-Fat - Thursday, May 8, 2008

Hmmm. This show may interest me. Good recap.

3. The Farmer Wants a Wife - Episode 2 « The Wit and Wisdon of JB* - Thursday, June 12, 2008

[…] Farmer Wants a Wife – Episode 2 The experiment continues and one contestant flips on her way out the door. Also, I make my favoritism […]

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