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Hi-Ho The Derry-O Thursday, May 1, 2008

Posted by JB* in JB*, maybe you should read a book instead, more indepth than probably need-be, reality TV, Reasons why I was single, The CW Will Put Anything On, The Farmer Wants a Wife, Things too long to read.
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Ladies and gentlemen, I am JB* and I will be your guide for the next several weeks as we walk down the path towards what producers surely hope may lead to the CMT Reality Series, “My Big Redneck Wedding”. Joining me on the Big Brown Couch is Mrs.JB*, who will be adding scathing catty commentary along the way.

The premise of the show is your basic romantic comedy fare –
1. Allegedly hunky farmer (who looks like Christopher Titus with bigger ears) lives in small town (Portage Des Sioux, Missouri)
2. Titus wants to marry, but darn, there’s just no good catches here in this small town
3. Enter the fish out of water in the form of ten city girls on the farm
4. Oh, the hilarity ensues. Look at the princess get dirty! Hear her whine! See them kiss!
5. Profit!

From reviewing the profiles on the show’s website, my pick to win is the Iowa girl, Krista (Mrs.JB* likes Brooke, the nanny, since she is hot. I married well.) And while it may be in part because she is a busty blonde accountant (check, check, check), she appears to be the only one from any sort of rural area, so probably best prepared for the cow, the pig, the cock.

The rooster… our contestants, per the Cast List are six blondes, two brunettes, an African-American and (maybe?) an Asian-American.

Titus has over 2,000 acres of land and a college degree and a lot of apparently twenty-five year old women in his town with two or three kids already, if it is anything like the towns I grew up in or the one I live in now. Mrs.JB* contributes right off the bat that she thankfully won’t have to make it through the whole series, since the theme song has her convinced it gets canceled within three weeks.

I’d also note that it is quite a nice tractor Matt has. His friends are looking forward to the girls arriving and shaking it up. Plaid Shirt at the Bar #186 (only 351 people in town, folks), thinks girls are like mullets – city girls are party in the front, country girls are party in the back. MrsJB* says no, no she is not and not to get any ideas.

Quick profiles of contestants:

  • Stephanie, LA, sick of the guys in LA who only want arm candy. Probably not good for much more.
  • Ashley, Chicago. Been cheated on by every guy she dated.
  • Lisa, LA, Theology student, she points out “Virgin”.
  • Josie, LA, who thinks she is a 10-plus (delusional – Mrs.JB* gives her a 5 at best – maybe a 6 if she shows a lot of cleavage, but says her child birthing hips make her a good fit for the farm), and a Republican. She looks forward to riding horses and attending polo matches on the farm. I can’t tell you the number of times Mrs.JB*’s family rolled in from baling hay and then rounded up the workhorses for a soothing cool-down polo match. The attention says “Josie is going to be in a lot of our commercials”
  • Brooke, Dallas, Nanny. Seems sweet – probably will get hurt by someone.
  • Krista, Accountant, Orlando. Paris Hilton glasses.
  • Amanda, Student, Chicago, looks like Alexis Bledel. Dates older men, apparently.
  • Christa, NYC, waitress, incredibly awful fingernails per Mrs.JB*
  • Stacey, Florida, has to get a mani/pedi every week and likes Louis Vuitton, but is not a snob.
  • Kanisha, Leasing Agent, Orlando. Wants a hard worker and not some boy playing games. Says “yee haw” pisspoorly. Will be the only person of color in town.

Every girl but one arrives in heels of some sort and slightly skanked up… and are appalled to see nothing at all around. The yellow charter special pulls up and the Bubba Driver gets off the bus, scaring the girls to death. Three drop their jaws in fear. He’s just a friend, ladies, but the idea of a school bus makes a few more even more worried. When Matt finally arrives on the farm – shirtless – on his very nice tractor, the cleavage comes into play!

These women must not have gotten laid in some time, since Shirtless Titus has them damn near in heat. As they go to the nearby house they will be staying at, all the girls start talking about how hot he is. Hey ladies – the bus driver is his best friend. He’s going to fink y’all out. Momma is also at the house, and she, too, was a city girl who fell in love. Here’s hoping she will be keeping an eye on everything.

All the girls will be sharing one big room, and here come the Fish Out of Water comments –

  • “Oh, it is like a dollhouse! How cute!”
  • “So, will there be a maid here?” Mom – “uh… no.”
  • “I think I would flood the place and just renovate all this… OLD stuff.”
  • “Do you have regular toilets or do you have to wait and pull something?” Mom’s eyes – “Boy best kick this hussy out.”

Titus apparently likes breasts, given where his eyes keep going. He takes all the girls out to a chicken coop. Kanisha and Krista hop right in, while Stephanie freaks out afraid of having her eyes pecked out. A rational fear, given the number of eyepatched farmers you see. Titus tells the girls to get some sleep and he’ll get them in the morning for chores.

Instead, the girls go gabfest, sleepover stye. Someone’s going to hurt in the morning. Josie says something to the effect that if a guy makes less than $60,000, she wouldn’t even consider sleeping with him. If Matt was better off, she’d be more into him. Yup, we have our Omarosa-type character.

The cock crows at 4:57 and the girls move like ass. Christa is amazed that roosters are real. Mrs.JB*s contribution: “Ooooh, Burberry rain boots!” Glad you’re here, honey. Flat bed pickups arrive, so no yellow charter today. They’re off to help Miss Frannie Goose with some good ol’ country courtesy. The girls are going to coop up some chickens before taking them to market. When asked how to do that, the 127 year old Miss Goose instructs “just grab ’em with your hands.” My four year old knows how to wrangle chickens, girls.

Titus declares the gal who collects the most chickens will be “Walkin’ Tall Cotton” – who says that north of Mason-Dixon? – and be safe from elimination, and gets the bad pun in that the girls were “running around like chickens with their heads cut off”. Everyone scrambles and falls but Josie who refuses to do anything since “no respectable woman would run around like that” and she “has the best legs”. Seriously? Kanisha and Krista tie to bring the “Sudden Coop Off”. Miss Goose words of advice? “Don’t break the coops.” Oh, Granny, you are so wise. Kanisha wins, Krista gets teary-eyed.

All the gals get dressed up to “Play Hard” – it is hayrack ride time! Each goes around and talks about what they want on the farm, then start asking him questions (he doesn’t like underwear). Josie, when asked her goals, quotes George W. Bush and says she is a Goal-Digger. She also thinks the world is coming to an end and the Jews and Christians need to band together. She then accuses all the other girls of being gold diggers. While wearing a big fake pearl necklace. Once they get back at the house, she calls Kanisha “ghetto” and “low class”. It is nice that we didn’t have to wait until Episode 2 for the racial tension.

Back from commercials, the next morning, Josie makes some stupid comment, to which BadNails retorts “You are so cocky for someone not even attractive.” Josie responds by pushing up her cleavage. Mrs.JB drops her to a 5, even with the gratuitous boob shot. Off to the barn, where instead of flames, we have chickens cooped up. Each chicken has an egg, apparently – except for the girl who is going home. Kanisha, though is “sitting pretty” – not “walking tall cotton”, so Titus lied to us.

Amidst drama and chicken genitalia, Josie finds her egg, and Stephanie goes since she didn’t know if she wanted to be a farmer’s wife. Sure, Stephanie should go, but methinks producers may have given a nod, since the Farmer mentions part of what kept Josie here was her ability to “get the girls to show another side of themselves).

A reward of a special date that night goes to BadNails. She may be taller than him – Mrs.JB* says that should get her booted next week. Clich alert – a picnic out under the shade tree, in front of the corn field. Some of the non-picked girls decide to show they like fun to saran wrap his truck. That may not win points… especially when he walks up on them doing it.

Aaaaaand – end scene on the Harvest Moon. Next week – Elimination by Bingo!



1. DougOLis - Thursday, May 1, 2008

I haven’t watched the show, but judging from the photos on the website, is Josie a dude?

Does he have a Lamborghini tractor?

note to self: find more country girls

2. The Farmer Wants a Wife - Premier « The Wit and Wisdon of JB* - Thursday, June 12, 2008

[…] This is the result… […]

3. The Farmer Wants a Wife - Premiere « The Wit and Wisdon of JB* - Thursday, June 12, 2008

[…] This is the result… […]

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