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Live! Hot! Txxxt! with…The Secretary Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Posted by cdnmoose in CDNMoose, Filler material, Hot sex, just some poor attempts at humor.

Live! Hot! Txxxt!
Browsing the tubes last night, I came across an ad for Virgin Mobile’s Promiscuous Text service (http://letshavetxt.com).

And hey, with the rising price of escorts (I blame oil prices, the mortgage crisis and a single John Stamos), and my paranoia that the Tamil Tigers are monitoring my house phone (don’t ask, but it means I can’t dial 900 numbers anymore), I am limited in the number of ways to exercise my God-given right to get my freak on with total strangers.

Thank God then, friends, because the final fronteir is here: clumsy phone sex through T9.

Now, I have no idea if Virgin’s network is truly more efficient at carrying saucy text messages than the other guys’, but whatever. They seem to think it’s a high enough differentiator for their service to the point that they’ve put up a site to allow you to carry on a txt conversation with one of seven fantasy personas, I guess as if you were on the Virgin Network (except without the video…and sound…and keyboard…)

The SecretaryOf course, being a live sex phone operator is probably a pretty crappy job (having *so* many orgasms all day, it must be exhausting and so very, very dehydrating). So, I naturally assumed that there wasn’t an actual person on the other end of the chat, but a sexxxed-up computer ready to do Richard Branson’s bidding.

Did I txt a human? A computer? And most importantly: was it a boy computer or a girl computer? Could s/he *feel* my absolute sexitude bound by 162-character-max messages?

So come on in and decide for yourself as you watch the actual txt conversation I had last night as I gave THE SECRETARY the big O, like, 15 times after the jump…

Me: Secretary? More like…*sextretary*!…Amirite!?! Amirite?!?

Secretary:I am going to lunch. let’s txt.

Me: Sounds delish! What did you steal from the fridge?

  Lunch date with subtlety

A video plays of her “sexily” eating a banana for lunch…judging by the subtlety of this thing, I’m going with this being an Andrew Stevens production…

Secretary: it is…it is very sweet

Me: The banana is very sweet? Careful– it might be rancid. Or is there something else you’re eating? I am a diabetic with ADHD. I can’t have too much sugar.

Secretary: And hyper people are the best

Me: Hmmmm…If I’ve learned anything from Tia Tequila, it’s that the ladies liked quite the opposite. Or is that your career girl side talking?

Secretary: That’s the career girl for sure.

Me: Well then, since you are so career-oriented, how will you get a promotion out of me? I gotta be honest– that’s gonna be difficult with all your late lunches.

Secretary: I’m gonna do whatever it takes to get to the top.

Me: Would that mean more late lunches or fewer late lunches? And what if no fruit was available? Hey, do you have scurvy? 

Secretary: As many late lunches as it takes. There are strawberries near your desk.

The Eradicator!Me: Oh, that’s good news…because I just enjoyed a POWER GAME OF SQUASH. I’m famished. Can I get you anything? 

Secretary: Strawberries…lots and lots of strawberries and cherries.

Me: I’m starting to think you really do have scurvy (do they make condoms for that?)…and hey, who said anything about cherries. Where are they?

Secretary: This secretary has no scurvy. maybe that was your other secretary. the cherries are very very very sweet.

Me: I’m sure they’re very, very, very delicious. But I still don’t see them anywhere. Are you hiding them somewhere?

Secretary: they’re hiding behind something soft

Me: Something soft? Like…a giant Sta-Puft Marshmallow man?Sta-Puft

Secretary: You just have to search for it.

Me: Well, that’s one way to go. Or you could just tell me since, you know, you know where they are and I don’t. I also find marshmallow monsters quite frightening.

Secretary: I don’t like scared bosses lol

Me: Phew. For a minute, I thought you said “scarred” bosses, and I assure you, Edward James Olmos I am not. And you’re not frightened by 200′ of corn syrup and gelatin?

Secretary: This secretary is not scared of anything

Me: Really? Not scared of dying alone? Not worried about Darfur? A titch concerned about global warming? What if God is a lie? 

Me: Never worried that you forgot to TiVO American Gladiators and don’t trust that your love of Celebrity Apprentice and Queer as Folk will be enough for TiVO to figure it out for you?

Secretary: Those aren’t things that I worry about. Plus I’m the hottest secretary you will ever meet so I won’t die alone

Me: You are fortunate not to worry about TiVo. And I dunno– I’ve met some pretty hot secretaries in my day. For example, Karl at my orthopaedist’s gets me all gooey.Karl

Secretary: So you like male secretaries! And trust I am the hottest…all the presidents in the office are fighting to have me

Me: Well, no. Karl is short for “Karla” (I think). Pretty sure she doesn’t have a penis (or that tight, white pantsuit is far more concealing than I thought).

Secretary: Well that’s good to hear. this secretary is all female!!!

Me: Good. And we have more than one president now? Why didn’t you tell me? Maybe this is why you’ve never gotten that promotion before, my dear…

Secretary: No the presidents are fighting over me!!! i stick to one president.

Me: Like syphilis. Hey, I thought you said there were cherries around here. I’m starving. P.S. I killed that new guy Larry 11-3 at squash. Thanks for asking. *pouts, sexily

Secretary: No I don’t like cyphillis!

Me: I meant to draw a simile there, not to imply you like it to burn when you pee. Anyway, about those cherries…

Secretary: You haven’t found them, yet?

Me: Well, are you still wearing your underwear?

Secretary: Yes…some things must stay a lil concealed.

Me: Then no, I haven’t found the cherries. Perhaps I confused your hints earlier. Give me another one quick before I break down and actually eat this Nutrageous bar.

Secretary: there’s no confusion here.

Me: Clearly, you’re on the wrong side of this conversation then, since I am very confused. I thought you were concealing cherries behind something soft…

Secretary: I am…something soft and luscious that I’m sure you’d love to get to!!!

Me: The centre of a Tootsie Pop? When I was 8, I set a record by getting there in just 38 licks. You should see my tongue. It’s like if Gene Simmons and a giraffe had a kid.38 licks!

Secretary: Wow…so you must be very talented then.

Me: I don’t mean to brag, but if you need a coat of varnish stripped from a door and you don’t have sandpaper handy, then…sure.

Secretary: I need you to do something else for me

Me: Sorry, I can’t– I’ve seen the giant oak front door at your house. You should hire a contractor to strip that thing.

Secretary: are you a contractor?

Me: Yes. A contractor…OF LOVE! (Which means I charge $80/hour to do things, I take way too long, I cut corners wherever I can, and I’m gone once the check clears. Cool?)

Secretary: that’s good enough for me lol

Me: Well, my saucy lil’ secretary, I see that your lunch break is over. Now get back to work bending over a lot and filing the Turing deposition.

Secretary: I got you. It’s back to my job then!

Me: We’ll talk promotion again after the staff retreat to Cabo. Don’t worry that nobody else is invited, yet. It’s…uhhh…a surprise party…

IckSecretary: Cabo…I love it. I get to wear a bikini, right?

Me: Absolutely. We can share my mankini.

Yeah, I know I’m still aroused.

All I know is…if this was a real way to get off, it’d be awfully tough to do one-handed.

Maybe I’m doing it wrong.



1. Jerkwheat - Tuesday, February 5, 2008


That was amazing good sir. It’s good to have you back around, if only for the day!

2. goathair - Tuesday, February 5, 2008


3. nicolle - Tuesday, February 5, 2008

hahahahaha! the Scurvy line and the stripping a door line both had me dying.

fantastic work.

4. DougOLis - Tuesday, February 5, 2008

+however many lines were there
+an extra 50 for the stripping the door line

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