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30 Rock – I Don’t Think That’s A Word (S02E03) Monday, November 5, 2007

Posted by The Bad One in 30 rock, nbc, The Bad One, Things too long to read.
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No new episode this week, but I’ll be working backwards to catch up with the ones I missed at the beginning of the season.

Jonathan and Jack are up on the terrace outside Jack’s office. “One day, sir, this whole city will be yours,” Jonathan promises. Liz pops in asking for a word. Jonathan is pissed. On his way out, he hisses at her, “You always ruin everything!”

Jack apologizes, saying Jonathan’s been on edge since they found out Jack was up for the GE chairmanship. Liz says that’s why she’s here. She got a phone call from some lawyer today wanting to know what sort of a boss Jack is, how long she’s known him, and what kind of animal best describes him. “What did you say?” Jack wants to know. “An eagle with the head of a bear?” Jack is pleased that Liz respects him. He can’t believe the vetting process is starting already. He knows GE’s going to find any skeletons in his closet, so he’s hired a PI to investigate himself, that way he can stay one step ahead of the game. Liz finds hiring someone to investigate yourself is weird, but Jack asks if that isn’t what Liz does with her therapist every week. Which of course sets Liz up to share her therapy breakthrough, but Jack is in no mood for that. As she starts in, he picks up an imaginary telephone and holds the receiver/his hand up to his ear. “I’m sorry, I have to take this. Yes? Well, she’s right here. She’ll be right down. What else is going on?”


Liz is gently mocking Tracy. He’s in on time, the woman in his dressing room is his wife… Angie says she let Tracy back into her life on two conditions. One: An enormous ring. Liz: “Bling bling, that is ghetto-fabulous!” Angie: “This belonged to Brooke Astor.” Liz: “It’s very nice.” Two: She’s with Tracy all the time. All he gets to do is work, eat, sleep, and love on her. Tracy: “I’m whipped!”

Angie pulls Liz aside, asking for her help in keeping Tracy in line. “He’s like a horny child.” Liz is happy to help, if it keeps him like this. Angie: “Will you be able to do it without falling in love with him?” Liz thinks she can do that, and that they’ll make a great team. Angie: “Oh? You looking for a sassy black friend?” Liz’s eyes go wide and she starts backpedaling, but Angie’s just playing with her.

Kenneth is bringing in Jenna’s fanmail for the day. “Are there any from prisons?” she asks, hopefully. “Federal!” Kenneth sing-songs. Jenna’s so happy about putting on the weight. Jack’s passing through and says that he saw her Enormé commercial last night. Liz has no idea what that is. “It’s the #1 fragrance for plus-sized women,” Jenna explains, as we cut to the gauzy black and white perfume ad. As some Sade wannabe plays in the background, she sex-whispers the tagline. “Enormé. Make him chase the chunk.” Disclaimer Guy: “Available exclusively at your local drug store. Do not use if menstruating.”

Liz wants to know why plus-sized women can’t wear normal perfume, but it’s time to shoot the promos. She calls for makeup for Tracy, but the makeup girl is way too hot for Angie to take, so Liz sends the girl away.

Jack meets with his PI, Lenny Wozniak (who’s played by the awesome Steve Buscemi) in the shadow of the Queensborough Bridge. He doesn’t mind driving over there, discretion is important. Lenny: “Also, my gym is right over there.” He promises to go over Jack’s life with a fine-toothed comb. The more information he has when he starts, the better. Lenny: “Have you ever been arrested?” Jack: “I have, at the 1976 Democratic National Convention. But it’s OK, I was there beating up hippies.” Let’s hope that Tommy Dorsey was playing in the background. What about any family issues? “My brother Eddie sells faulty sprinkler systems to elementary schools and my cousin Tim fixes NBA games.” There it is! Mother Donaghy is also an Olympic-level racist, but the rest are too drunk to do anything. Lenny wants to know if there’s any weird sex stuff, then changes his mind. He likes to find that out on his own. “I’m a watcher.” Man, I hope Giles never did anything like that to Buffy. Though I wouldn’t blame him.

Jenna is concerned. She’s losing weight. Last week, she had to make a new notch in her belt, but now she’s back to the factory-made ones. Liz wants her to calm down, but all her new career success is built on the fat. Enorme, the offer to play Ms. Pac-Man in the live-action Atari movie… And worst of all, Jack won’t like her anymore.

Tracy is trying to come up with topical sketch ideas by reading the paper. He wants to know if this week they can do “Business Section.” Oh, man. Those stock market analyses are HI-larious. And don’t get me started on those quotes from new Fed chairman Ben Bernanke. He is a SCREAM! Liz loves the new Tracy, and it’s all thanks to Angie. Tracy wants to know where she is. When Liz says she went out for a hair appointment, Tracy is out the door and heading for a strip club. Liz tries to stop him, but Tracy protests that this is who he is. “You can’t ax a bird not to fly. You can’t ax a fish not to swim. You can’t ax a tiger not to turn back into a Chinese dude at midnight!” He feels bad about doing this to her, and the only way he can feel better is to get boobie-slapped by a coked-out Russian stripper.

It’s come to Jack’s attention that Jenna no longer has an eating problem. She denies it, but he presents his evidence. Jack: “You’re not breathing heavily, your skin has cleared up. I even find you slightly attractive right now.” Jenna: “Don’t say that, Jack! C’mon, ME WANT FOOD! Right?” Jack: “Do you? Do you want food?” She doesn’t know anymore. Jack assigns Kenneth to stick with Jenna and keep her three chins full. Kenneth: “It’ll be just like back home on the pig farm. I’m gonna fatten you up, grow to love you, and then my uncles’ll slit your throat!” Jack McBraer makes the greatest dying-pig wriggle ever here.

Lenny’s got his report ready for Jack, so they’re back by the Queensborough. Does Lenny live at his gym? It turns out that Jack’s pretty clean, and his sex life turns out nicely. He should probably give up his membership to the all-white Woodvale Country Club, however. Jack protests that it’s not all white, “What about Johnny Carlos? He’s ethnic.” Lenny: “He’s the king of Spain, Jack.” I thought the King of Spain was in Canada working at the Pizza Pizza. How can he afford the dues? Jack also has an undocumented worker who he should get rid of. Jack is resistant to firing Manuelo. “I could never pay an English-speaking person that little, they’d starve!” But he’ll do it anyway.

One last thing from Lenny. “You don’t happen to have a massive collection of cookie jars, do you?” Jack is caught. He’s actually Victor Nightingale, Collector of the Year. “This is bad,” Lenny says. “CEOs don’t have thousands of cookie jars, weird little guys in bowties do.” Jack wants to know if it’s a gay thing, but Lenny scoffs that Jack wishes that was it, this is worse. Jack says he’s made enough sacrifices for the company, they don’t get this. Lenny pulls out a picture from his wallet. “This is Rudolph Giuliani in 1987 with his collection of antique wooden dolls.” Jack thinks it’s a fake, Giuliani doesn’t collect dolls. Lenny: “Yeah, you’re right. ‘Cause he incinerated them in 1989! The year he ran for mayor.” The choice is Jack’s: He can either be CEO of the largest corporation in America or be buried in a bowtie with a bunch of cookie jars.

Angie’s back and she’s looking for Tracy. Liz lies that he went to the vet to take care of his sick cobra, which Angie accepts. In walks Tracy. “Hey, everybody. I’m back from doing whatever Liz Lemon said.” Angie wants to know what that was. Liz stands behind her and starts miming a snake, and then choking. “…My cobra, Ramses…He got sick…so I took him to the vet.” Angie seems to buy it, so Liz gives him the thumbs-up and nods her head. “Then my finger got caught in my butt so I nodded my head till it came out.” Angie’s suspicious again and sniffs him. “You smell like Enormé and brass polish. You were at a strip club!” He’s busted, so he tries blaming Liz immediately. Angie knows it wasn’t Liz’s plan, but she’s mad that Liz betrayed her. “I trusted you! You wear glasses!” The glasses definitely make more people confide in you. I now know 17 Social Security numbers, DB Cooper’s new identity, and the exact terms of Seventh Heaven‘s bargain with Satan. Angie cuts off Liz’s access to Tracy Jordan and drags him out. “Goodbye forever, Liz Lemon! Thank you for being my secretary!”

After the break, Liz is pitching story ideas to Angie, flanked by Grizz and Dotcom. First idea: Tracy is a bank robber. That’s shot down; Angie doesn’t want to perpetuate any black stereotypes. Next idea: Tracy is a gentleman who wears flamboyant clothes and lives uptown. Angie interjects, “He’s a pimp!” Liz: “He’s an entrepeneur.” Angie: “What’s the character’s name?” Liz: “Slickback Lamar.” Liz tries to rescue herself, “He’s also playing Barack Obama!” But that doesn’t work either; they support Kucinich. Liz should try pitching a Lord of the Rings sketch, since they obviously have a thing for hobbits. Liz tries to hold Angie’s hand, but Angie warns her, “Don’t make me call Reverend Sharpton,” and walks out, demanding new writers for Tracy. Poor Liz, rejected again. She should call Gretchen Thomas, I bet she’d let Liz hold her hand. Dotcom starts pitching. “We open on a lone soldier in the desert. The year? 1861. The place? Mars.”

Kenneth is larding Jenna up with the stuff that made his dad’s heart give out. Which led to his mom’s friend Ron moving in… He sends the airplane in for a landing. “Uh oh, there’s turbulence! And now an Indian guy got up to use the bathroom and an air marshall shot him!” The plane goes into a dive. Jenna just can’t eat any more.

Jack is sending his cookie jars off on a truck. When he learns the jars are going to Jersey City for incineration, he can’t let them go. He rather they go to a fellow ceramophile.

Kenneth and Liz go on a walk-and-talk. He’s trying to get Jenna to eat, but it’s just not working. Liz suggests that Kenneth be mean to her, since many women with low self esteem take refuge in either food or sex. Not her, of course. Cut to Jackie Mason’s dressing room. Mason: “Who picked out your outfit, Stevie Wonder?” Liz attempts to throw herself at him, but he fights her off. Back to the present, Liz writes up some insults for Kenneth to use.

Jack and Jonathan are vetting candidates for the cookie jars with one enormous one sitting on his table. In walks Liz, so Jack tells her that he collects them. Liz: “Really? Is that some sort of unresolved childhood thing?” Jack: “Nice try. We never had any cookie jars in my home because my mother never baked us any cookies, because she never thought we deserved any cookies, so obviously it has nothing to do with my childhood.” Liz: “But that cookie jar says ‘Mom’ on it.” Jack: “I don’t think so. I’ve always viewed at it as an upside-down ‘Wow’.” But he has to get rid of them, because the guy with the weird hobby never gets the corner office.

Jack looks at the closed-circuit TV and wants to know what’s going on down on the stage, where Dotcom’s Civil War Martians sketch is getting rehearsed. Or it would be, except Angie is down there yelling at everyone. Liz think that maybe they can give her a consultant’s credit to placate her, even though it’s just a meaningless title. Jack is impressed, she’s starting to think like a businessman. Liz: “A businesswoman.” Jack: “I don’t think that’s a word.”

Unfortunately, Liz does not has a business problem; this is a family conflict. Jack thinks Liz is going to have to fight her. Jack: “You throw her out, and she’ll probably punch you in the face. Then we eject her from the building and we bar her for life. Now, I think Angie’s right-handed, so you’ll have to work her clockwise.” Liz is shocked that Jack already has been thinking about this. Whenever Jack meets a new person, he figures out how he’s going to fight them. “You have a gimpy left knee, right?” Liz isn’t going to fight her; she’ll give Angie the stupid title so she’ll back off.

Kenneth barges into Jenna’s dressing room reading from Liz’s notes, accusing Jenna of quitting this just like fashion school and her relationship with David Blaine. Jenna: “He’s the one who drove the wedge, with his magic!” Kenneth keeps pushing. She has so many daddy issues, the only thing keeping Jenna from becoming a stripper is her weird mole. She lied about her brother drowning so that people would attend her one-woman show. Her toes look like dried-up shrimps. This is too much for Jenna to take. She attacks Kenneth with her face, moaning, “Oh, Daddy!” and urging him to keep up his abuse.

Liz goes to Angie in Tracy’s dressing room to patronizingly offer her the title, but Angie knows what’s going on. Time for Plan B. Liz takes off her glasses and orders Angie off the property. Tracy begs Liz not to do it and Angie asks if she’s steppin’ up on her. Liz is, “And your nails look tacky,” which just crosses the line with Angie. But Tracy steps between them and breaks up the fight. He is so disappointed that the two of them are forcing him to act like an adult. “AN ADULT!” Even worse, they’re making him stop two ladies from goin’ at it. But he has to put his foot down. Angie has to go. Hearing him lay down the law turns her on and she drags him out of the shot. Liz is fascinated and embarrassed as she backs toward the door. “Oh, no! You guys START with that?!”

Kenneth goes up to Jack’s office to apologize. He wasn’t able to get Jenna to eat. “It turns out she’s the wrong kind of crazy. And I guess we have to get married now.” Jack is understanding, they’re both having bad days. Kenneth notices the cookie jar still on Jack’s table. He especially likes the upside-down “wow” on it. Jack’s found someone to take his collection. He sends Kenneth off with instructions on holding them and a wish to say hello to some people if he ever goes to the convention in Sarasota. When Kenneth is gone, he turns to his TV showing the GE logo. “Are you happy now, you son of a bitch?” He drops his voice to an angry, plaintive whisper as it starts to break. “You son of a bitch.



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