Ask Tuffy – Hit Any Key Tuesday, October 9, 2007Posted by Tuffy in ask tuffy, reinstall windows, tuffy.
I got a new computer at work a few weeks ago since my old computer started moving so slowly that I could start opening a Word file, step outside for a cigarette and a brief land war in Asia, and then come back just in time to start working.
Unfortunately, the new computer has been nothing but trouble since I brought it home. It freezes up whenever I try to watch a video. I can’t play any games without the screen getting all garbled and having to restart, too. When I put a DVD in, it spins until I can smell melting Lucite. However, I never get to see the movie.
I can’t seem to find any answers online and tech support hasn’t been very helpful; how do I fix this?
Garbled in Galensberg
Newer readers of this column may be taken aback by this type of query, but long time devoteés of the Tuffy Craft will remember the early days of Ask Tuffy the Terabyte, the technical support advice column that ran in this space from 1996-1999 and was canceled only because the then-proprietor of this “zine” (as it was fashionable to call them at the time) felt the Year 2000 scourge would render such rags unnnecessary as we fought claw and thistle with the Herbergs and the Zeffelthiners of the Third Quadrant of the Milky Way.
As you may have guessed, I never got my last paycheck, either. Snufflefart.
However, I am still certified in Windows Sanitation and Personal Computing Elemental Divination by Frostbite Falls State. Therefore, I shall tackle this question with exacting technical skill and the normal verve the gentle reader expects from Ask Tuffy.
After carefully reviewing the evidence provided, consulting my old college manuals, and relying on my years of experience with similar phenomena, I can say with reasonable certainty that your computer is possessed. In all likelihood, the factory that created your machine was built on an ancient Indian burial ground or was assembled by a voodoo master with a vindictive nature and a cruel shift manager.
To best rectify the situation, gather the following items post haste:
- One (1) VHS copy of “Where the Boys Are” (acquire VCR as needed)
- Ten (10) ft. bailing twine
- The 1972 Miami Dolphins (surviving members only)
- Four (4) oz. elephant tears (African or Asian)
- One (1) token minority actor on a CBS series (African or Asian)
- One (1) carrot (pureéd)
- Urine sample cup (never used)
- Ball point pen (blue or black)
- Résumé paper
- Safety goggles
- Safety gloves
- Safety dance (optional but encouraged)
- Beverly Garland’s autograph (need not be personalized)
- Cinnamon (to taste)
First, watch “Where the Boys Are”. Gather your tears from the final scenes (oh, George Hamilton, you heartbreaker you) into the urine sample cup and combine with elephant tears and carrot. This will force your poltergeist to remember the pain and sadness of your inability to see your DVD version of “Where the Boys Are”. Don the safety gear and smear this concoction on your monitor.
Next, lash the keyboard and mouse to your monitor using the bailing twine. This will prevent the spirit from calling for help.
After that, have Gary Dourdan (or whomever you got from CBS) grab the champagne bottles out of the hands of the 1972 Miami Dolphins and beat them over the heads with them until they have expired or agreed to knock off that stupid “toast the undefeated record” and get back to the golf course. The first to acquiese gets Beverly Garland’s autograph.
Most importantly, take your computer and monitor to the roof of your office building and toss them both over the side. The ghost, having improved sight and empathy from your mixture, will see its impending doom and leap from your computer and into the nearest electronic device.
This will likely be your boss’ office. Once your boss finds out you threw your computer off the top of a building and infected his computer with pure evil, you will be fired. Use the pen and paper to apply for a new job. (You could have typed up a new résumé, sure, but you threw your computer off the roof, didn’t you? Didn’t think that through, huh?)
P.S. Also, update your video drivers. Ghouls hate improved compatibility between devices.