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Saturday Morning SBTB Saturday, September 22, 2007

Posted by ladyandrea in HOYAY, Lady Andrea, SBTB, the balls.

In a new feature here at DeadOn (and because I just got the SBTB DVDs) I thought I would take us all back to the Saturday mornings of our childhood. Well, most of our childhoods. I’ve discovered that anybody born between about 1976-1983, give or take, tends to have really fond memories of the gang from Bayside. So I’m going to start bringing you two recapped episodes every Saturday morning. We’re working chronologically based on the production codes of each episode because that is how they were filmed and intended to be broadcast. Join me today after the jump for “King of the Hill” and “Fatal Distraction.”

“King of the Hill”
or “Our Two Lovebirds Meet for the 1st Time”

We open with Zach wriggling under his covers as the phone rings. Gotta take care of that morning wood, I guess. He voice-overs (VOs) that he’ll never forget the day Slater showed up. “And the day their love was born” is left unspoken. The ringing phone is his wake-up call, which says, “It’s 7 am tiger. Time to roar.” Gah. Gross.

He starts talking to the camera and I am reminded of how, when this show started, Mark-Paul Gosselaar’s testicles hadn’t descended yet. He then displays a giant life-sized cutout of Kelly, which unfolds (?) from the ceiling at the touch of a button on his remote. Yeah, that’s not creepy at all.

At school, we meet Mr. Belding, who tells Zack he and Mrs. B have taken up synchronized swimming. I can’t help but picture the skit involving Martin Short. We also get dated-80s reference #1 with “You haven’t seen Dirty Dancing until you’ve seen us underwater.” Also: gross. Lisa wanders over and complains about her locker location, saying she’s surrounded by nerds. She asks Zack to get her a different one. He wanders over to Kelly’s locker, saying the one next to it will soon be his, as Slater shoves him out of the way and proceeds to use that locker. Zack introduces himself and Slater responds with dated-80s reference #2, “And I’m Roger Rabbit. So what?” Zack offers to switch lockers with him, but Kelly sashays up and Slater realizes what a goldmine he’s sitting on. She airheads an introduction and sashays away.

Zack again tries to bribe Slater with a hall pass, but Slater isn’t biting. He says he’s been in 14 schools in 3 years, which is so not even possible, and slinks off. Zack spies Screech digging in the locker on the other side of Kelly’s and offers to “let” Screech share the locker with him. Screech agrees, because he is desperately seeking Zack’s approval, and then hops inside the locker to “tidy up.”

In class, Zack wants Jessie to switch seats with him so that he can sit next to Kelly. She says no, so he tries Lisa. As she talks, I am also reminded how Lark Voorhies’s testicles hadn’t descended yet either. He tells her he got her a new locker (HOW?) and says it’s hers if she’ll switch seats with him. He plops down next to Kelly and then Mr. Dewey arrives. He’s my favorite of all the SBTB teachers. So deadpan. Slater tells Dewey that he’s legally blind in one eye and needs to sit in the front. Zack leaps up to keep Kelly from moving and Dewey thinks Zack is volunteering. As they pass each other, Slater and Zack share their first lust-filled smoldering stare and my panties almost burst into flames. Screech informs Zack that due to health reasons, he can’t share a locker with Zack. The health reasons are that Slater will kill him. Heh.

Later, at The Max, the creepy owner/waiter/part-time magician? wanders over and serves food to Jessie, Lisa and Zack, while also having a bunny pop out of his pants, which is creepy. Zack takes a soda over to Kelly and sits down, asking her how her summer was. She says her parents sent her to volleyball camp in Florida, which is pretty hilarious considering later in the show they need her prom dress money for, like, food or whatever. Slater plops himself down at the table, puts an onion ring on Kelly’s finger, says they’re engaged and she airheads, “I think I’m gonna cry.” Barf.

Back in school, Screech “chokes” in the hallway so that Kelly can save him (because she was a lifeguard. You know, in between volleyball camp and cheerleading and taking care of her 9 brothers and sisters and stuff). Turns out Zack’s plan was to make Kelly late for class so she’d get detention, so he can join her. In English class, Zack gets sent to the principal’s office for knocking a book on the floor.

We join Zack twirling around in Belding’s chair, waiting to meet with him. Belding enters and puts on a sweater, saying he’s taking a different approach with Zack. Zack wonders, “By being Mr. Rogers?” and Belding replies, “You’re in the neighborhood.” Hee. He continues that he’s going to try to give Zack guidance, saying there are no “bad boys” only “boys who haven’t been reached.” GAH! Zack needs an adult!

Zack keeps needling Belding, knocking over pencils, fingering his “Principle of the Month” trophy (dirty) and messing with his picture of Mrs. Belding. Zack finally gets Belding to snap and gets detention. On his way in to detention, we get a brief SBTB fantasy sequence (so identified by the neon pink edging around the frame) where Kelly is dressed in some kind of, I don’t know, princess costume? and she lays Zack down on a table. Back in the real world, the only person in detention is Slater. Slater tells Zack he mooned the science teacher and their love blossoms further. He also tells Zack that Kelly got excused from detention because she was saving Screech. Zack asks, “So it’s just you and me?” and Slater replies, “Ain’t love grand?” HOYAY!

Why is the detention hall empty? This is like some gay porn setup. As the two boys start sniping at each other, we get Slater’s first “preppie” directed at Zack and we learn Slater moved around so much because his dad is in the Army. Mr. Dewey finally comes in and asks why they are fighting. Slater says, “We were just discussing a math problem: how 2 into 1 won’t go.” Oh, Slater. That just isn’t true. Ask Kelly, maybe she’s into that.

Zack tells Slater they could team up and own the school, but Slater just leers at him “menacingly.” Or “lovingly.” And we end with Zack putting a “kick me” sign on Slater’s back and telling us he loves school. It’s too bad classes get in the way. Oh that Zack! What a card!

“Fatal Distraction”
or “I Will Not be Ignored, Zack”

We open with a close-up on a banner announcing the girls-ask-the-guys dance on Friday. The music turns slightly middle eastern while Zack comes down the stairs dressed as a sheik. He’s in disguise because he doesn’t want anybody to ask him to the dance before Kelly does. And clearly, dressing up like a sheik is a good plan. He runs over to harass her and she says she hasn’t asked anyone yet. Slater wanders up and they engage in some snarky foreplay and then Kelly airheads, “So many boys, so little time.” A girl calls out to “Zack-EE” from the stairs, calling him “button nose.” She’s not unattractive, but they try to make her look “butch.” (Incidentally, she’s played by Kirsten Holmquist, who now hosts TLC’s Property Ladder. We’re a full-service blog here, folks.) Anyway, she chases Zack around for awhile while Slater laughs (jealously).

Later on, Zack trades Lisa some teen magazines for gossip about Kelly’s dance plans. Lisa finds the SI Swimsuit Issue in the stack and he defends him, saying that he “has needs to.” Very progressive, SBTB. Lisa turns out not to know anything about Kelly’s date.

At The Max, Slater and Zack compare “numbers” of how many dates they’ve turned down. Just unzip and measure, fellas. Lisa bops up to tell Jessie that Kelly is coming to Jessie’s slumber party and Zack wonders if they’ll gossip at this slumber party. Creepy owner/waiter/magician wanders over with a present for Zack, from Rhonda (his butch admirer). Zack runs away again and she makes a remark about his cute behind. We are not shown Slater nodding in agreement, but you know it’s there.

After school, Zack and Screech sneak into Jessie’s bedroom to bug it for the slumber party. Screech runs a microphone from the window to the bed while Zack creepily snuggles Jessie’s doll. As Jessie calls out to her mom, Zack pushes Screech out the window and then dives under her bed to hide. After she leaves, he emerges with a pair of pantyhose on his head (WTF?) and then scrampers out the window.

That night, Jessie relays a story of being at the movies where a guy she wasn’t even there with tried to make out with her. From behind. And he left his retainer in her hair. Seriously, what is wrong with these boys? Back in Zack’s room, as they eavesdrop, Screech goes off into Neon Pink Fantasy land where the 3 girls all drool over his picture. Lisa says he makes her tingle all over (in the fantasy) and as he snaps back to reality, Screech goes, “Zack, I make her tinkle.” Oh, dude. We are getting into some Golden territory right there.

Back at the slumber party, Lisa says she wants a guy with the qualities of Michael Jackson: gentle, talented, gorgeous and light on his feet. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. Kelly sighs over Dennis Quaid, which is kind of weird. At the time, these girls are freshmen in HS and DQ is 35. Plus, the only notable things he’s done so far are The Big Easy and Jaws 3D. Huh.

Anyway, back to the dance talk. Kelly admits she thinks she’ll take Zack, who promptly goes apeshit. Since apparently Jessie’s house and Zack’s house are, like, 5 feet apart, the girls notice his yelling and he covers by saying “Go Lakers!” They all rush over to the window and Kelly observes that the Lakers aren’t even playing that night. The “ploy” to get them to the window leads Jessie to discovering the microphone. She puts it under a pillow and they discuss what they’re going to do. Jessie says it’s illegal and that Zack is violating their privacy. Oh, Jessie. If only you were around today to see what our own government is up to.

Kelly wants to get even with Zack, so they unmuffle the microphone and she “confesses” that she has these crazy episodes and ends up hurting boys. She’ll black out and then wake up and the police are there and the poor boys — then Jessie cuts the microphone wire. Zack starts freaking out.

The next day, Screech comes to school dressed like Michael Jackson and then tells Lisa in this creepy falsetto, “I’m not like other boys.” Oh, how prophetic SBTB was. Belding hauls him off to his office, talking about the dress code. Zack tries to talk to Jessie, who says she spent all weekend with Kelly because Kelly really needed a friend. Jessie tells Zack she doesn’t want to see Zack hurt and tells him goodbye. Hee. Slater wheels up, leg in a cast and says that Kelly beat him up. She got this terrible headache and turned on him. Next thing he knew, he was waking up in the ER. As he wheels away, Lopez flashes a great “I got him” smile.

Zack breaks into Belding’s office (HOW?) and rifles through Kelly’s files, which have been conveniently modified to say she spent 6 months in a home for the criminally insane. Belding comes in and Zack says he needs protection from Kelly “The Killer” Kapowski. Belding laughs and Zack insists that she gets these headaches and Belding interrupts, “They all get headaches, Morris.” Heh. But Belding laughs him out of the office.

In class, Kelly passes Zack a note: “My dearest Zack, you can run but you can’t hide.” The bells rings and Kelly corners him in the classroom, wielding a baseball bat and wearing what appears to be a teal t-shirt tucked into plaid pajama pants. WTF? She sufficiently freaks him out by faking a headache and pounding on the desks with the bat and he bolts, saying he already has a date for the dance.

That night, at the dance (which is on Friday, according to the banner. So, the slumber party was on Thursday? Huh.) Zack is being flung around by Rhonda, looking fetching in a halter-style dress with giant flowers on it and a scrunchie in her hair. Slater and Kelly arrive and reveal the ploy to Zack, returning his microphone, showing him the fake records from Belding’s office and Slater gives Zack the fake cast. Rhonda comes back and says she has big plans; her mom is visiting her dad in prison, so they have the house all to themselves. Zack says he has to go home for curfew and that he doesn’t kiss on the first date. Rhonda goes, “Well, lucky for us…I do.” and dips him down in a kiss. Excellent.

Tune in next Saturday for “Screech’s Woman” and “The Gift.”



1. DougOLis - Saturday, September 22, 2007

I was born in 84 and I think I missed the start but quickly caught up with all the re-runs. It was one of my first loves for TV shows along with Full House and Family Matters. Fresh Prince, American Gladiators, and Step by Step were up there too.

I’m not sure if I ever saw the first episode, but I’ve seen the second at least twice. Good times. Love that one.

Kirsten Holmquist is kind of smokin’. Zach certainly could have done worse in hindsight.

2. JB* - Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Wait… the DVDs start with the high school years? Do they totally ignore the season in Indiana?

Otherwise, this is simply a great idea.

3. ladyandrea - Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Yeah, Good Morning Miss Bliss is not on DVD or VHS. Or else I would’ve started there. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Stevie episode.

4. spicy curry - Wednesday, September 26, 2007

i watched that SBTB episode last week!

5. manchakowsky - Saturday, September 29, 2007

the season in indiana NEVER happened… i repeat the season in indiana NEVER happened…

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