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Survivor: What’s the matter? Chicken? Friday, September 21, 2007

Posted by ladyandrea in Lady Andrea, reality TV, survivor.

Shots of the Great Wall and then Probst welcomes us to a Buddhist monestary.  We meet the survivors:  a former Miss Montana, a lunch lady, a Christian radio talkshow host, a gay Mormon flight attendant, a University of South Carolina honor student (maps, like such as), a chicken farmer, a professional poker player, a professional wrestler, a 4th grade teacher, a grave digger, a jewelry designer, a Nashville singer, a surfing instructor, a NYC waitress, a bartender and former model and a 20 year-old student/athlete (youngest ever).  Please let there be puns made about “grave digging.”

Snake.  Lightning.  16 people.  49 days.  One Survivor.

At the temple, they have to walk thru a gauntlet of staring Chinese people.  The Chinese girl, Peih-Gee, says it’s amazing to be in China.  They have to go through a ceremony, but it’s not a worship ceremony.  They head inside the temple, where they kneel and bow and stuff.  The lunch lady with her mullet is marveling at how amazing the temple is.  Aw, Denise.  Courtney bitches about wanting lemonade and how she’s a waitress from NYC.  She sucks and immediately incurs my wrath with the anything-outside-Manhattan-sucks attitude.  The Christian talkshow host Leslie starts crying about the “worship no other God than me” commandment and bolts.  Jeff debriefs them, asking Leslie what happened.    She says, “I’m not a religious person but I have a relationship with Jesus Christ and the only time I’m going to put my face on the floor for him.”  Just…..wow.  She’s not religious?  Huh.

Jeff sends them into the game wearing only the clothes on their backs.  Ashley the Wrestler girl has on like 20 lb Emo/Goth boots and one girl says she doesn’t have a bra on.  Probst smarms that that will either make her very popular or a liability.  Sweet, pixelated boobage!.  Yellow tribe is Fighting Tiger (Frostie, Dave, Jamie, Eric, PG, Sherea, Ashley and Chicken), Red tribe is Flying Dragon (Jean-Robert, Leslie, Amanda, Courtney, Denise, James, Todd and Aaron).  My initial instinct says that Fighting Tiger will be better.  I turn out to be wrong.
He sends them off with The Art of War, talking about wisdom and blahblahblah.  There’s a map and they are sent out to their boats.  Aaron starts to take a little control of Flying Dragon, but says he’s trying to be subtle about it.  It starts to rain and Leslie says “it looks like the Big Guy usptairs is providing.”  JE-SUS.  I have had just about enough of reality contestants thinking God has time to give a shit about reality TV.  Courtney says she’s marooned in a land of flight attendants and Sunday school teachers.  People who live in New York don’t act like this.  Seriously?  Bitch, shut up.  I already hope she gets eaten by a crocodile.

Jean-Robert thinks that Todd is devious and that he might be lying about being a flight attendant.  Uh, okay.  J-R also has a giant paunch and creepy V-muscles.  Gah, put on a shirt.

At Fighting Tiger, Sherea is wearing a dress and heels and starts talking about how disgusting and nasty it is.  *sigh*  It’s the requisite “this is so much harder than I thought it would be” person.  Chicken starts pointing and giving ideas with his ridiculous accent, saying he’s from Virginia and that he lives in the woods.  Oh dear.  I’m sorry but not all Southern accents are created equal and this one sucks.  Thank god he’s not around long (spoiler!).  Ashley the wrestler has enormous boobs and it is getting distracting.  The guys can’t believe she’s a wrestler.  Ashley, Sherea and Jamie are standing around and dancing and being goofy.  PG is being kind of a wet blanket, saying she can’t connect to the wackiness.  Chicken stands around some more, saying he’s just along for the ride.  That’ll endear you to them, Chicken.

Flying Dragon is chopping down trees like fucking lumberjacks on acid, it’s pretty impressive.  Their shelter is going to be awesome.  James the gravedigger is like a real-life Taye Diggs.  Holy balls.  He’s quiet and shy and all buff and stuff.  Woo woo.  He’s worried about being socialable enough.   Awwww.  I’d teach him how to be social.

Fighting Tiger all huddle together in the storm that night and their half-assed shelter sucks balls.  Flying Dragon appears to have erected a Marriot, so they’re okay.  In the morning, the wrestler chick at Fighting Tiger is sick and lays down on a rock.  The tribe members say she’s first to go if they lose.

Flying Dragon gets a dragon in their treemail with one of Survivor’s clever little poems.  (eye roll.)  Todd brings up that Aaron’s kind of a natural leader and says they should let him take point.  Todd is trying to push the leader role onto him, which is smart.  I like Todd, the adorable little scamp gay-Mormon-flight-attendant guy.

They head to the immunity challenge and it appears as though Sherea is only wearing her white bra, which is already totally dingy.  Gross, dude.  Put on your buff to cover that shit.  Each tribe is tethered to a Chinese dragon and they have to manuver thru obstacles.  So, that’s their exposure to the Chinese culture?  A typical Survivor obstacle course, only they have to carry a Chinese dragon?  Wow.  That’s fucking deep.  Also, they are given their running shoes and get to keep them.  Hmmmm.  That’s not very Survivory.  In the trudge thru the watery swamp, Flying Dragon gets a lead and wins the challenge, getting them immunity and fire.  Oh and in a full body shot, we see that Sherea is totally only wearing her dingy bra and panties.  Gross, lady.

Back at camp, PG starts bawling.  Geez.  First off, don’t dehydrate yourself.  Who knows when the Big Guy Upstairs is next scheduled to peek in on Survivor?  The former model guy Dave uses the words “pretty please” and PG cries that there’s so much to do and nobody helps.  Chicken keeps getting asked his opinion and he won’t share it, which is weird.  What a strange, passive-aggressive chicken farmer.

Ashley the Wrestler hopes she gets to stay because she feels better now.  Chicken campaigns that sick Ashley should go home because she’s not helping around camp.  Says the guy who stands around and watches and won’t give a fucking opinion and sounds like a crazy old coot.  Gah, I hate him.  Dave seems to be aligning with Chicken because they’re both old?  I guess?  But they are voting together,  regardless.

At tribal, everybody gets a torch.  Chicken says they should’ve had a shelter by dark the first day, and that somebody needs to “grab the bull by the horns” and be the leader.  Jeff asks who would be interested in being leader and Dave and PG put up their hands.  Hmmm.  Dave says the vote needs to trim the least productive people out.  Chicken says his vote is based on the person who has done the least in the last few days.  He also says he doesn’t fit in but that he does work.  I don’t know if I agree with that, actually.  The work part, not the fitting-in part.  He totally doesn’t fit in.

They vote and Ashley votes for PG, which is interesting.  Chicken votes for Ashley, with these pearls of wisdom: “just wrong time, just wrong place.”  PG votes for Chicken, calling him a chicken.  Clever, that.   Jeff reads the votes, which go:  Chicken, Ashley, Ashley, PG, Chicken, Chicken, Chicken.  It’s interesting that Ashley didn’t seem to get the “Vote for Chicken” newsletter.

Jeff sends them back home with their torches and flint, which is like 6 kinds of bullshit.  Cute Michelle got fire with her glasses last season.  These people are spoiled.  It is revealed that Chicken and Dave voted for Ashley and everybody else voted for Chicken, except Ashley cast that one vote for PG.  Interesting.



1. MDT - Friday, September 21, 2007

If this season had started with the Guatemalan Death March I guarantee you we’d be down to 12 already. When the contestants look shocked that they can’t bring their suitcases, you know we’re in for a fun one.

I hope the waitress draws “lead paint” in the yearly eat-gross-things challenge.

2. mingusmonk - Friday, September 21, 2007

Agreed with MDT. I was baffled. Even after the commercial break, I’ve got that perplexed look on my face and I’m still asking my wife questions like “Have these people even watched Survivor before?!?!”

I didn’t have as much disdain for Chicke as you, Andrea. I could see why he backed off. For just a couple of minutes, I thought it was good strategy. Why keep on telling them things that they obviously don’t want to hear? Then you come off like the bossy nagg (PG). But when it was obvious that his hillbilly charm had turned into pouting little baby, all bets were off.

3. mingusmonk - Friday, September 21, 2007

Oh. And thanks for bringing some mother flippin’ content back to DeadOn. Holy Hell this place was getting dry.

4. Jerkwheat - Friday, September 21, 2007

whoa whoa whoa…

there are other things on here again?!?!

I didn’t even realize Survivor started up again already last night.

5. goathair - Friday, September 21, 2007

I don’t know Ashley walks upright.

6. ladyandrea - Friday, September 21, 2007

Sorry that I was not around to cover Big Brother this summer. I really wanted to, but my job kept me so busy that I only watched it sporadically. Now I’m back in school, though, and that keeps me free free free.

Goathair: I totally agree, those things are enormous.

Mingus: Chicken seemed like a nice guy, but I thought his tactic was dumb and he should learn how to read a room. Plus, the accent……the Dudette cannot abide that accent.

7. DougOLis - Friday, September 21, 2007

It did seem like it was just Jerkwheat posting around here for awhile. Wait, it didn’t seem that way, it was that way.

Was this guy actually named Chicken or is that a nickname? Was he born named Chicken and then became a chicken farmer? That’s like a girl named Chastity becoming a stripper.

Isn’t Courtney your roommate? Does she know you hate her?

8. ladyandrea - Friday, September 21, 2007

My Courtney is waaaaay cooler than Courtney on Survivor.

I have to assume Chicken is a nickname. God, I hope so.

9. undergroundbto - Saturday, September 22, 2007

HEY!!! I posted my MTV reality show recaps all damn summer. ALL YOU PEOPLE WANT IS MORE, MORE, MORE!! LEAVE BTO ALONE! I’M JUST A HUMAN BEING!

10. The Fan's Attic - Monday, September 24, 2007

Thanks for the recap LA. I was on a plane during the premiere and forgot to record.

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