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Ask Tuffy – Tastes like bulging Sunday, September 16, 2007

Posted by Tuffy in ask tuffy, tuffy.

Boys will be boys

Dear Tuffy,

I admit it; I’ve become lax in eating right and working out. Still, I don’t feel too motivated to do much about it. I don’t think I look that bad, frankly. I feel okay, too. When should I consider getting back to the dip in the dieting roller coaster?

Wobbly but Not Down in Walla Walla

Dear Wobbly,

Some pundits would tell you that asking the question is enough to answer it, Wobbly, and demand you jiggle over to the recumbent bike post haste and away from Walla Walla’s finest seven story King Kong’s Empire State Banana Split with little Fay Wray action figure implanted inside. (On Fat Tuesday, the person that ends up chipping a crown on the figurine is the next one to have a baby or at least gain the necessary weight to fake it.)

However, the far wiser among us know that mild fluctuation in habits should not be a call to fix flabby arms. Therefore, here are a few signposts on the road to Phuket, It’s Time to Get Serious About This Again:

  • Put a full-body mirror in the bathroom. It will be unavoidable for you to see yourself in the mirror, of course, but do not rely solely on the countenance sloshing back at you. Instead, check the knuckles on your right hand. Are they scuffed? Bloody? Filled with jagged glass shards from violently striking out at the visage of your deformed meat package? If not, carry on! (Lefties, adjust accordingly.)
  • It’s not enough for your favorite pair of comfy jeans to start feeling snug. Don’t consider a lifestyle change until you can’t wrap the legs around your waist and wear them like a loincloth.
  • Have you noticed any new signs on your front lawn, perhaps requesting a zoning change from single family to multi-family residence? On a similar note, have you seen any new ballot initiatives to raise property taxes to pay for eventually removing you from your home by carving a hole in the side of your house large enough to fit the forklift?
  • Do you start panting and clutching your chest while watching Olympic speed walking?
  • Do you watch Olympic speed walking?
  • Do you have the uneasy sensation that Jared is following you around? Don’t fret; we all do. I’m pretty sure I saw him do the honors at a bar mitzvah last weekend.
  • Has your mate suggested you two become “workout buddies”? Good for you! You still have a mate, so you have wiggle room left.
  • Are you eating something with one hand and preparing your next snack with the other while planning in your head what you should make next?
  • Has your doctor stopped trying to give you serious advice and merely sighs while giving you a pamphlet on how to avoid bed sores?
  • Have you gone to a list format for your recommendations because you don’t have the stamina for a full column?

erm. Well. If these seem uneasily familiar to you, Wobbly, please drop the pretense and get thee to a personal trainer whose name you won’t even bother to remember since you’ll give up in a month anyway. Otherwise, enjoy your denial with a healthy slathering of sausage gravy!



1. TheStarterWife - Monday, September 17, 2007

* Are you tempted by the Oreo beard commercials?

(Because I am.)

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