Ask Tuffy – Dress Like a Man My Son Sunday, August 26, 2007Posted by Tuffy in ask tuffy, tuffy.
Tags: the secret word is floods
I have my first big job interview post-college coming up next week. It’s at a big office, so I know I have to dress up some. I’ve got a tie and dress shoes and stuff, but my dad wants me to go out and buy a suit. A tie and nice slacks should be enough, right? Do I really need a suit for a job interview or is my dad being old fashioned?
Overdressed in Oakland
Suspense ended: your father is right. While you were able to get through college with nothing fancier than your Al Davis Collection dress jumpsuit, it’s time to grow up, son. You need a suit anyway; take him up on his offer and become a man. A man owns a suit.
Besides, you’re going to need it again when your friends that are able to dress themselves get married and leave you behind by 25 to continue your perpetual childhood, playing with your Wii all night and drinking Schlitz while plotting the demise of the weekend manager at Circuit City who is totally holding you back because you don’t kick back part of your commission to him.
Avoid all that by purchasing the following:
- Charcoal gray wool suit. Considering your likely proclivity for hitting your mouth with food only about 60% of the time, you need something that handle the stains. You might consider Scotchgarding the thing, too.
- Check those pants legs! It’s not enough for the pants to cover your freshman 40 ass; those cuffs better cover most of your shoe.
- Get the damned thing fitted all over, in fact. Try not to look like Daddy was so proud of you that he lent you his remainder suit.
- Socks. I have a feeling I have to spell this out for you: yes. Black, please.
- Shoes. I know you love your Pumas. Hell, everybody loves Pumas. They’re the George Clooney of ultracasual footwear. It’s time for big boy shoes now, though. Get a pair of Eccos or Hugo Boss from a store where the staff actually recognize the names and can tell them apart from across the room. And get them polished when they’re dull-looking, for Chrissakes.
- Get a haircut, you hippie. The only thing that should have highlights when you leave is the magazine stack in the hair salon.
- Tie. I don’t trust you with anything stronger than a solid color. If I let you start picking patterns, you’re going to end up with a Daffy Duck tie. Yes, it does show your real personality to the interviewer; we’re trying desperately to hide that, remember?
- Cologne. Ask the nice woman at the counter; she’s there to help. Make sure you go to a real store, though. If I hear you’ve been asking the nice lady at Walgreens or Rite-Aid for advice, I will tell your potential employer about how you attempted to break the masturbation record sophomore year and nearly flooded the dorm laundry room when you tried to wash your socks at the end of the month.
- Also, apply it sparingly. If you want to remind your potential employer about you after you leave, send a card. Don’t let your cologne linger so strongly that they burn the chair you sat in.
- Last but not least, bathe. All those sharp creases and gallons of cologne cannot make up for the fact that you smell like you mud wrestled with both Ringling brothers the night before.
None of this can bail you out for sleeping through most of senior year or for failing your drug test because of “poppy seeds on my bagel, man”. Still, if you can pull it together just long enough to fool a few people, you will soon be on your way to just getting by for the next 45 years. Good luck!