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Real World Recap – G’Day, Bitches! Monday, August 13, 2007

Posted by The NY Kid in Fuck You Nibbles, MTV, reality TV, undergroundBTO.
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Welcome back kids! So, this past week (last Wednesday, to be exact) the Real World started up a new season with Real World: Sydney. This marks only the third time that MTV has filmed the Real World series outside of the US (London and Paris were the other two seasons, both of which were shite! How could you sully the City of Lights with your vulgar American reality TV?). In the future my recaps will be posted in a more timely manner, but for now just suck it up and follow me as I introduce this season’s whores and provide a recap of the first episode. To the jump!

Kelly Anne (20 years old; Austin, Texas) – Our first contestant starts us off with a stereotypical Texas name  (she probably has a brother named Joe Bob), so we’re off and running. Kelly Anne is a self-described ‘tease’, which obviously means that she will act like a slut this season without actually ever putting out. Perhaps better described as an attention whore, she notes that she loves to be the life of the party, which ensures: (1) numerous catfights with female castmates; and (2) numerous dry-humping sessions with random Australian men, punctuated by the occasional make-out session with random Australian women. Her MTV bio notes that her parents divorced IMMEDIATELY after she finished high school (what, like at her graduation party?), which I’m sure in no way has affected the way she develops relationships.

Trisha (19 years old; Fresno, California) – Trisha is a self-described party girl (is anyone here NOT self-described? where are the MTV bios where the best friend says “she’s a whore”?) who enjoys flirting and hanging out with the popular crowd. I’m sure she’s not at all superficial. While she was raised Christian, and says her beliefs are very important to her, she recently began a serious (read: knocking boots) relationship.

Isaac (21 years old; Cleveland, Ohio) – Isaac has a well-deserved bad-boy image after drinking and doing drugs as a teen (really? that means that everyone I know is a bad boy!), but he has now cleaned up his act and is a 4.0 student (is that out of 6.0?) at the University of Arizona (say hi to Lute!). He allegedly “bonds with guys and charms the ladies”.

Dunbar (22 years old; Natchez, Mississippi) – Despite (or perhaps due to) being from a town that sounds like “Nachos”, Dunbar is a stereotypical southern frat boy. Or is he? After his family lost everything from a money-laundering scandal (what? details, please! were they the launderers? were they the victims of a con?), he managed to support himself financially. He eventually enrolled in the military, and is now in school at Ole Miss. He is an arrogant hot-head (what a combo!), which ties in well with his strong feelings regarding politics. He is also very committed to his girlfriend.

Parissa (21 years old; NYC, New York) – Parissa was raised by traditional Muslim parents (they are from Iran) who were not thrilled with her desire to be a singer. She appeased them by enrolling at NYU, maintaining a perfect GPA and then entering the business world. Her bio is the dullest one on MTV.com, which probably means that she has some blockbuster secret or is the dullest person to ever appear on reality TV.

Cohutta (23 years old; Blue Ridge, Georgia) – Cohutta is pure country (sorry, Britney, even more than you!), and appears to be the typical southern gentleman. He enjoys riding horses, playing the banjo, and hanging out in the mountains, so commence your Brokeback jokes (they’re back in style!) now. He really wants to get married and start raising a family in Georgia, so the ladies better watch themselves. I will be severely disappointed if someone does not refer to him as “Calcutta” at some point during the season.

Shauvon (24 years old; Sacramento, California) – So old, she’s MILF-y! Shauvon writes an “intellectual” sex column for the student newspaper at Sacramento State University. She is forced into the “intellectual” caveat due to the fact that she has large breasts, and thus it is assumed that she is a slut who can’t read or write. Raised by a controlling mother who basically forced Shauvon into putting her mother’s needs before her own, she recently broke off an engagement with a man who was forcing her to choose between him and her career. After choosing her career, she promptly threw that career down the shitter by coming on the Real World.

EPISODE I: THE STEREOTYPING AND FIGHTING BEGINS!

The episode opens at the airport, where we see Trisha meeting a limo driver. One of the first things we find out about her is that she is wearing a promise ring given to her by her boyfriend. The ring is supposed to signify her virgin status, but they have already had sex (hooray for hypocritical jewelry!). We next see Cohutta walking along, and we find out that he has never been outside of Florida, Kentucky, or his home state of Georgia. Next we see Kelly Anne walking along, and we learn that she grew up poor and bullied (so did 61.3% of America, bitch) and she now has a self-proclaimed “I don’t care” attitude. She meets Cohutta and they both get on a boat towards their new house.

We also meet Isaac, who describe himself as an artist and musician. We find out that he was on probation for quite some time for burglary, after he broke into 15 homes (sounds like a real sweetheart). Next comes Shauvon, who says that men always judge her as “the blonde bimbo” because she has large breasts and writes a sex column for the school newspaper. She meets Isaac and they walk along together to find transportation. We next meet Dunbar, who notes that he is “more proud to be Southern than to be American”, and that “people are 50/50 – they either hate me or they love me.” Obviously, he will be a stable influence in the house. Our final roommate is Parissa, who tells us that she just graduated college early to pursue her music career, but her Muslim parents do not approve of her plans. She meets Dunbar and they also move off to find some transportation.

Cohutta and Kelly Anne get to the house first, and we see that it is a typical Real World, completely pimped-out place with the requisite hot tub, pool table, etc. Trisha shows up next, and mentions that she is nervous to meet her roommates. However, once she meets Kelly Anne they become BFF and decide to share a room. We next see Shauvon and Isaac talking about relationships as they arrive at the house. Shauvon seems seriously put off by the fact that the other 2 girls have already paired up and picked a room. Dunbar and Parissa arrive at the house, also talking about relationships. We catch a snippet of  Trisha saying “If I was tempted by someone, I would end my relationship first”, and then Parissa looks around in dismay and realizes that “all of the girls are carbon-copies.” Parissa then goes to look around the house, and Kelly Anne states that she had a really bad first impression of Parissa because she doesn’t seem friendly. Dunbar takes a look around at the women to decide “who is worth looking at naked”, while Kelly Anne engages Parissa in a conversation about 9/11 (because she’s Muslim, see?).

Getting ready for their first night out on the town, the girls tell Dunbar that they will protect him from himself and not let him cheat on his girlfriend. Unfortunately, they would be better off protecting him from each other, as both Parissa and Kelly Anne appear to be interested in him. After a while at the bar, Parissa gets upset that Kelly Anne is making out with random people and grinding on Dunbar, so she leaves (yes! after day one you should be so insanely jealous of people you have never met before regarding other people you have never met before – perfectly rational behavior!). After the rest of the roommates arrive back at the house, we see Kelly Anne and Dunbar in the hot tub together, but they are simply talking about his girlfriend. Parissa talks to Shauvon about the relationship that she sees developing between Dunbar and Kelly Anne.

The next morning, Kelly Anne is the first one to wake up (or maybe she’s still up from the night before, that little minx), and she jumps into bed with Parissa, who, not surprisingly, would rather sleep that have Kelly Anne next to her laughing in her ear. Later, in the bathroom, Parissa complains to Shauvon about Kelly Anne’s behavior, and says that doesn’t want to act as the “baby-sitter” in the house. Unfortunately for them , Kelly Anne hears everything that they are saying, and she comes into the bathroom to confront them. They argue, she gets pissed off, and she then goes to bitch to Tricia about the situation. Tricia decides that Parissa is jealous because of Dunbar, which seems to make Kelly Anne happy.

Later in the day, for some more drama, Tricia gets upset that Parissa cooked last night but did not clean up the kitchen. Parissa tells Tricia to leave everything for her to clean, but Tricia decides she enjoys bitching too much, so she continues cleaning while arguing. Eventually, everyone leaves to go to Bondi Beach, which is perhaps the most famous beach in Australia (certainly in Sydney). Shauvon chooses to go topless, but lays there with her hands on her breasts the entire time (WTF? then leave your top on, you silly ho!). This only serves to excite Isaac, who drops an ice-cold water bottle on her chest and then leans in to kiss her (successfully).

Back at home, Tricia is having a conversation about the travesty that befell her at McDonald’s when she encountered someone at the register who did not speak perfect English. Tricia’s various comments about immigrants upset Parissa, and she phones her mother to tell her that she is already hating her experience in the house.

Later that night, getting ready to go and party once again, Kelly Anne talks to Dunbar about not getting along with Parissa, and he tells her that he doesn’t want to be in the middle of any situation. Tricia and Kelly Anne both tell Dunbar that Parissa really likes him, which leads to this gem from Dunbar: “Throughout my life a lot of people have been attracted to me. I haven’t met anyone in Australia worth leaving my girlfriend for.” Kelly Anne immediately gets upset about his statement (at first, I thought it was because Dunbar ended his sentence with a preposition), realizing that “anyone in Australia” presumably includes her. Dunbar follows this up by calling his girlfriend where he tells her that he is caught in a love triangle since 2 girls have a crush on him. They engage in some “you’re shmoopy. No, you’re schmoopy”, and his girlfriend is confident that he will be faithful (oh, excellent decision).

After their night out (which we don’t really see), Shauvon and Isaac are playing pool, and she mentions that she likes to flirt with him, but that nothing will come of it. This is, of course, followed by Shauvon and Isaac going in to the confessional for a hot-and-heavy make-out session. Later in the evening, we see Shauvon talking to Kelly Anne about “communication”, which prompts Kelly Anne and Parissa to come to a detente (look it up, bitch!).

COMMENTS ON THE EPISODE/CAST: So far, all the typical shenanigans are in place: (1) catfights between female roommates; (2) roommate crushes/make-outs/potential hook-ups; and (3) drunkenness. However, has anyone looked at this cast? They are so white they make Bryant Gumbel look like Malcom X (thanks Dave Chappelle!). Usually MTV inserts one or two minority roommates to make things interesting. Also, there is no obvious gay roommate in this house. Occasionally, MTV has even gone with “the gay black guy” to cover all of their bases. This year, all we have is the Muslim girl. MTV has recently stated that they are trying to stay away from typecasting, so we won’t see “characters” on their reality TV shows. In other words, they are casting normal people. Really? Where the fuck are the ugly people on this show? Does anyone remember the cast of the first season of the Real World? Those were some ugly fuckers. I’m not fooled.

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Comments»

1. The Fan's Attic - Monday, August 13, 2007

I loved the fact that Isaac had his pants unbuttoned and belt undone within seconds of starting to make out with Chauvon. Then was rudely interrupted causing him to scurry back to the chair and hide his somewhat undressed state.

It could have been the editing, but I prefer to think otherwise.

2. Matt_T - Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Cohutta,
Thanks for reinforcing the negative stereotypes about my state.
Sincerely,
Matt_T

3. heyzeus - Thursday, August 16, 2007

Seriously, I’m from the south, and I can’t even tell what the fuck Cohutta is saying most of the time. We need a transcription.

4. Ted - Saturday, December 1, 2007

Regarding Tricaia being kicked out of the house, I find it interesting that the christian advice given to Tricia was to “Forgive and apologize” and the Muslim advice to Parisa was Vengance. Says a lot huh?

5. Jazz - Saturday, January 12, 2008

That last message from Ted is ridiculous! Tricia was a total airheaded, nasty, superficial bitch! She deserved to get kicked off. It has nothing to do with religion. Parissa had every right to have a person who was violent to her removed from the house. I’m accepting of all religions, races, sexual orientation, etc, etc. But one thing I AM prejudice about are ASSHOLES! They come in every colour, and every form. I for one am glad Tricia got her marching orders, the show was better without her.

6. undergroundbto - Saturday, January 12, 2008

Indeed – pretty stupid comment from Ted. He conveniently forgets that Trisha was a pretty poor Christian with all of her shitty behavior, and that Parissa is the most level-headed, mature person in the house.


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