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Ask Tuffy – Trading Partners Sunday, August 12, 2007

Posted by Tuffy in ask tuffy, tuffy.

Dear Tuffy,

I want to turn out the lights with my boyfriend and tell him that the party’s over. It’s been wonderful, but it’s time to move on.

However, we’re both in an excellent fantasy football league run by his friends (separate teams) that I dominate every year. On the other hand, his teams somehow find a way to finish at the back of the pack.

How do I stay in the league and move on with my love life? I need to know soon so I can work on my draft with a clear conscience.

Keeper in Kansas City

Dear Keeper,

Obviously, looking for another league is the last possible choice. It’s much easier to find a half-decent guy to settle for than a quality fantasy football league. You already know the tendencies and tells for each of the other owners; it will take you forever to reach the pinnacle again in a new league. No, you need to stay in this league.

Love at first sight, no doubt…Before we proceed further, have you considered perhaps not breaking up with him? People have stuck through loveless relationships for far less (sex, money, power, “the children”, etc.). Separate teams, separate beds… maybe? No?

Come on… why not stick it out through January? Get one more fling and treat it as your last season as an owner before you sell high to a deep-pockets owner, collect your last tax breaks, and move on to conquer new realms. Clearly, this involves putting up with a relationship gone sour for four more months, but championships are not won without sacrifice.

Still, if you’re determined to be a moral and good human being, you’ll have to work harder. Frankly, Tuffy doesn’t see the percentage in working hard for your reward, but he knows that there are many lifestyle choices available these days. Why, Tuffy has heard that many people now wear pants at all times in public. Who’s to account for taste?

2003, 2005 league championIf you’ve been a good league citizen all this time, you might be in the good graces of your leaguemates independent of your former mate. Speak to the commissioner about staying in the league. Do not be afraid to use your wiles. Surely, you’re smart enough to have considered this option yourself since you were smart enough to write Tuffy. However, you have seemingly dismissed this option in favor of “honor” and “mutual respect”. Nonsense; it’s fantasy football. There’s no honor among those thieves. Get in there and bat some eyelashes, Jessica Rabbit.

If the commissioner won’t help you in your cause, surely the ex-boyfriend’s uninspired play has irritated other league members over the years. Work them like LBJ in the Senate coat room. Sell them on the notion that you’ll fluster him so badly that he’ll end up making a series of increasingly bizarre trades (Tomlinson for L. Johnson, Brees and Tomlinson for Favre, Brees, Tomlinson and Favre for Art Monk, his entire squad for Kyle Brady, Cap Boso, and a signed letter of intent from Nick Saban to coach his fantasy squad for four years, etc.) that he’ll be curled up on the floor 20 minutes before the trade deadline sucking his thumb and trying to figure out a way to trade his skateboard and pet rabbit for a single-serving cup of Mott’s applesauce. If your league is as good as advertised, they will welcome you home with open arms.

Honored Senator, I disagree respectfully with your sleeper picks…



1. DougOLis - Sunday, August 12, 2007

Jason Whitlock?

2. TheStarterWife - Sunday, August 12, 2007

Or just remind the rest of the league about the time he sat his entire team up until 5 minutes before kickoff because he was mad at being in the basement.

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