Ask Tuffy – I can has job? Sunday, April 29, 2007Posted by Tuffy in ask tuffy, tuffy.
Tags: I'll look tomorrow Mom
Wherein Tuffy helps the needy and oblivious for cash and prizes…
I have recently lost my job. Actually, I didn’t misplace my job so much as it was taken from me forcefully. I know I should be out looking for a new job, but I can’t even get out of bed some days. What can I do to get back into the job hunt?
Moping in Milwaukee”
Don’t fret, Mo. Your predicament is all too common these days, what with the globalization and the immigration and the boogeyman and all that. Therefore, I’ve developed a program that will help you become gainfully employed again without having to leave your home. You will have to leave your bed, though; bedpans are messy and unsanitary.
1) Get some solid moping in. Bemoan the innate lack of fairness in the world. Curse your god or gods. Invite absolutely no one to your pity party but Ben and Jerry. (If you want to pathetically indulgence your worst tendencies in a more respectable manner to hold onto one tattered shred of your pride, I recommend Häagen-Dazs.)
2) At this point, most programs would tell you to cast aside your morose thoughts and think positively about the future. Where’d that get you before, charmer? Unemployed, that’s where. Instead, the Tuffy Method™ suggests turning that self-hatred towards revenge fantasies for a good week or so.* You worked hard to get to this place; you might as well enjoy the fruits of your labor.
3) Again, other programs would push you outside to find a job now. What the hell is that about? Outside is where you got fired! Why would you go to the place that hurts you? You’re not a battered spouse. Don’t go back to the one that brings you pain. Instead, stay in your safe house and live off unemployment for a bit. Hey, you paid for it with your taxes; you deserve to get that money back. Other programs would let you leave that money on the table.
4) Alright, three steps is long enough to do nothing. Normally, I’d recommend a career change involving either lottery tickets or taking on a creative name like “The Gentleman Bank Robber” or “The Pink-Lady-and-Jeff Bank Robbers”. However, you asked about getting back into the job market. The Tuffy Method is flexible enough to support your sadistic tendencies to a point.
Pull yourself together long enough to polish up your résumé. Be sure to lie constantly on your résumé, up to and including your name, depending on the seriousness of the reasons you were fired from your last job. (Totally unfairly, right.) E-mail it to all your friends and relatives with a note with just enough desperation to invoke pity without encouraging them to come over and hold an intervention. Interventions are a total joke, man. If anyone offers to come over with a bottle of Maker’s and, y’know, just talk about stuff, tell them to suck an egg through their…
…yes. Well. If you don’t have any friends and you were the relative with the job, make new friends with Monster.com.
5) You’ve worked hard enough for awhile. Back to bed! You can watch Oprah and Dr. Phil, but don’t take their advice; they want you to go outside. We’ve talked about outside. Outside doesn’t mean to hurt you, baby, but sometimes you make outside so mad! (Oh, and remember to roll over every four hours to avoid bed sores.)
6) Repeat steps 4 and 5 until one of them becomes boring. Blow off that step and keep doing the other.
7) When you become bored with both steps and/or some jackal keeps ranting on about ‘eviction’ and ‘repossession’, you will be forced to take drastic measures. You will have to find a job that pays handsomely, doesn’t require getting out of bed most days, and certainly won’t make you leave the house. Also, it wouldn’t hurt if it makes you wildly famous and desirable to the best the sex of your choice has to offer.
And next week, we discuss how to become a blogger.
*Note: Tuffy and the Tuffy Method are not liable for revenge fantasies fulfilled, revenge fantasies failed, or undesired pregnancies.