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I Want The Epitaph! You Can’t Handle The Epitaph! Monday, April 23, 2007

Posted by Suss-- in (You Didn't) Ask DeadOn, athleticsupporter, CDNMoose, Clare, goathair, Holly/Magnolia, jerkwheat, Lady Andrea, Len Bias Cocaine Surplus, Lingering Bursitis, Precious Roy, SA, suss, svpimh, undergroundBTO, Yostal.

ydad.jpgYou’re on this website for one reason only. Well, okay, one of three reasons:

1. You are a Deadspin commenter.
2. You are a relative of a Deadspin commenter, and are horrified.
3. You are that guy who came into our Acrowars room last night and asked “WTF is Deadspin”

But either way, odds are you’re jonesin’ to ask us something. What’s the question, you may ask? Well, that’s up to you, the reader. No, wait. It’s up to me. It’s my goddamn coddamn feature. And that’s the beauty of our latest feature: (You Didn’t) Ask DeadOn. It’s about the self-indulgence that we believe you care what we say.

This week’s question:

Your tombstone epitaph is a movie quote. What does it say?

(Clicking on each tombstone will reveal the appropriate movie in a new browser window, provided I did this right.)

And finally, my answer:

I’m well aware I already listed mine first. But recall how this is my feature. Exactly what will you do about it?

Okay, okay. If you’ve got a good question for (YD)AD, e-mail suss followed by the at symbol thingy, then it’s a futonreport and a dot and finally a net.



1. ladyandrea - Monday, April 23, 2007

I would also like to share my alternate choice:

Here lies the body of Andrea Leigh
Died at the age of 103
For 15 years she kept her virginity
Not a bad record for this vicinity

2. undergroundbto - Monday, April 23, 2007

You little scamp.

3. cdnmoose - Monday, April 23, 2007

Excellent quotes, all. I definitely need to party with some of you in real life before it’s all over.

Anyway, just to complete the sentiment, when my *real* tombstone is made, “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life” will have an asterisk beside it.

Then underneath the “1968-2007” (hey, I’m a pessimist) there will be the note: * – but it did have its charms.

Oh, based on the quotes, I think Suss, Steve, Precious Roy, Yostal, Jerkwheat and I can all die at the same time at the climax of a pretty legendary weekend bender (and if we do it at Sea World, we can take Holly with us).


4. MitchKayak - Monday, April 23, 2007

Mine would def. be Royal’s tombstone:

“Died tragically rescuing his family from the wreckage of a destroyed sinking battleship”.

5. goathair - Monday, April 23, 2007

In reality, I’ll probably just have a picture of a ninja or something.

6. Elric VIII Emperor of Melnibone - Monday, April 23, 2007

It’s horrible that I think of Tombstones and I think of that pizza commercial.

Talk about effective advertising . . .

In any case, my quote would be “Everyone has the right to make an ass out of themselves. You just can’t let the world judge you too much.”

or maybe “It’s just a flesh wound,” depending on the circumstances of my demise.

7. undergroundbto - Monday, April 23, 2007

goathair – big Ryan Dempster fan?

8. Suss-- - Monday, April 23, 2007

Even though I shant be a judge in my own feature, especially when it involves praising someone else, LBCS won this hands down.

9. twoeightnine - Monday, April 23, 2007

twoeightnine – “Here he sits so broken hearted, came to shit but only farted.”

(I don’t watch a lot of movies but I’m full of shit.)

10. cdnmoose - Monday, April 23, 2007

I’d think Lady Andrea’s tomb-tome (see how I did that?) was the winner.

Can you imagine the size of the monument required to adequately capture that?

She’d be leaving us all with the immutable lesson that even in death, size fucking matters.

11. LenBiasCocaineSurplus - Monday, April 23, 2007

Suss- +1 me

12. goathair - Monday, April 23, 2007

BTO – I don’t care for him, but I do like that he wants to be a ninja. Also, I bet ninjas are great death-protectors.

13. Greek McPapadopoulos - Monday, April 23, 2007

Greek McPapadopoulos:

That’ll do pig, that’ll do.

14. ladyandrea - Monday, April 23, 2007

CDN, damn right. It would be a huge statue. Also, I think the fact that the quote ends with “goodnight” is just perfect for an epitaph.

15. Holly - Monday, April 23, 2007

and if we do it at Sea World, we can take Holly with us


16. Suss-- - Monday, April 23, 2007

I was this close to making a rotating cylindrical monument for Andrea’s quote. What stopped me, you ask? Because that’s hard to do.

17. Baba Oje - Monday, April 23, 2007

I have to give the nod to Holly for the Eels and Jerkwheat for having a quote from Tombstone on his tombstone. Well played.

18. Yostal - Monday, April 23, 2007

Wow, mine is hilarious when Crow says it, but serves as a warning to others when read on a tombstone.

19. mingusmonk - Monday, April 23, 2007

The Dude abides. I don’t know about you but I take comfort in that. It’s good knowin’ he’s out there. The Dude. Takin’ ‘er easy for all us sinners.

20. LenBiasCocaineSurplus - Monday, April 23, 2007

This brings up a question in my mind.

If we liveblog the MST3K movie do we create a deadly paradox?

21. Suss-- - Monday, April 23, 2007

Only if TV’s Frank leaves a comment.

22. MitchKayak - Monday, April 23, 2007


You win the internets if you do that.

Everything shuts down.

23. Clare - Monday, April 23, 2007

Bursitis, I heart you. Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels is one of my favorite movies.

24. The Saxist - Monday, April 23, 2007

The Saxist –

“I’ll bet you’re the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddam common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I’ll be watching you.”

25. Peter Cavan - Monday, April 23, 2007

I’d have to go with Yoda’s line from The Empire Strikes Back:

“Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter.”

I’d add the rest of the quote, about how the Force is in all things, but unless I’ve become a Jedi by then it won’t make much sense to my descendants.

26. Holly - Monday, April 23, 2007

Dude, you cannot liveblog MST3K. The universe folds in on itself.

For my part, the trophy goes to Jerkwheat for sheer mind-bending meta-ness.

27. racistmascot_inc - Monday, April 23, 2007


1987-2592 (when my cyborg body suffers a fatal exemption error and shuts down for good)

Was a victim of a modern age. Poor, poor boy!

Okay, a bit of a perversion of a quote, but what else from ACO would fit?

28. racistmascot_inc - Monday, April 23, 2007

*the modern age, not a modern age. I suck.

29. DougOLis - Monday, April 23, 2007

Main: “What we have here is a failure to communicate.”

Subtext: “Now you will receive us. We do not ask for your poor, or your hungry. We do not want your tired and sick. It is your corrupt we claim. It is your evil that will be sought by us. With every breath we shall hunt them down. Each day, we will spill their blood till it rains down from the skies. Do not kill, do not rape, do not steal, these are principals that every man of every faith can embrace. These are not polite suggestions, these are codes of behavior and those of you that ignore them will pay the dearest cost. There are lesser forms of evil, we urge you lesser forms of filth not to push the bounds and cross over into true corruption, into our domain.But if you do, one day you will look behind you and you will see we three. And on that day, you will reap it. And we will send you to whatever god you wish. And shepherds we shall be, For they my lord for thy. Power has descended forth from thy hand, our feet may swiftly carry out thy commands. So we shall flow a river forth to thee, and teeming with souls shall it ever be. In nomine Patri Et Fili Spiritus Sancti.

30. Jerkwheat - Monday, April 23, 2007


I feel old at the ripe age of 27. I can only imagine what ElderlyMoose is feeling

31. svpimh - Monday, April 23, 2007

Well done my friend, well done. Mine feels so…serious compared to everyone else’s haha.

Can the next little activity we do like this allow literary quotes so I can really compete with you all?

32. SA - Monday, April 23, 2007

Mine as well SVPIMH.

Yes! Someone is younger than me. By two years at that. Finally I’m not the youngest one arund.

33. racistmascot_inc - Monday, April 23, 2007

You never were; TattooedMessiah is about a year younger than me iirc.

Just remember, if push comes to shove, I can defeat all of you by locking the doors to the Country Kitchen Buffet.

34. gordonshumway - Monday, April 23, 2007

Mine will be:

“Well. That’s it, then”.
–John Cleese, A Fish Called Wanda.

35. LenBiasCocaineSurplus - Monday, April 23, 2007

SA- I’m born in 1987 too

36. stopmikelupica - Monday, April 23, 2007

Great feature Suss. Very clever.

37. cdnmoose - Monday, April 23, 2007

Yes, Jerk et. al, I am your elder (by an Olsen twin in some cases).

And you fucking *will* respect me!

Now get BMXing on my lawn so I can throw my walker into your spokes, you little shits.

(Do kids still “BMX” these days? Is that what you call it?)

38. stopmikelupica - Monday, April 23, 2007

Am I the oldest one here? Is anyone above 28?

39. cdnmoose - Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Check my first comment, SML…I’ve got you by a decade.

Now fetch me my slippers and me medicines. It’s drafty in here.

40. mingusmonk - Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Well, this thread proves am an oldie, but it also proves I’m not the oldest. Moose, you’ve got me by 4 years.

Meet you at the shuffleboard park.

41. undergroundbto - Tuesday, April 24, 2007

You’ve got me by a year, mingus, but I’ll meet you both there – I love some shuffleboard.

42. Jerkwheat - Tuesday, April 24, 2007

what’s that smell?

is it….OLD BALLS?!?!

43. cdnmoose - Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Jerky, if you smell old balls, you are *way* to close to my crotch for my liking.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we have a rowdy shufleboard game to get to before a nice 4PM nap & 4:30PM dinner reservation at Red Lobster.

44. Baba Oje - Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Do you have to be old in order to take a 4PM nap? I thought I was done needing fake IDs.

45. Encouraging Referee Pittman - Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Encouraging Referee Pittman:

Brrr! It’s cold in here. There must be some Clovers in the atmosphere.

46. SA - Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Pittman, I was very close to using that as I love parts of that movie.

And two more younger than me. I suddenly feel old.

47. Encouraging Referee Pittman - Tuesday, April 24, 2007

SA, there’s not much not to love. The “good parts” are funny on purpose and the “bad parts” are funny by accident.

48. BigRicks - Tuesday, April 24, 2007

I would’ve gone with “THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK A STRANGER IN THE ASS” just for shits & giggles

49. beingsven - Tuesday, April 24, 2007


“He chose… poorly.”

50. Holly - Tuesday, April 24, 2007

+1 Sven

51. steve - Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Next time we have one of these, I demand it be video game quotes so I can use “You have died of dysentery”

52. Baba Oje - Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Always ford the river, steve. Remember that

53. Jerkwheat - Wednesday, April 25, 2007



54. ladyandrea - Wednesday, April 25, 2007

I am totally yelling, “FJORD THAT BITCH” the next time I have sex.

55. steve - Wednesday, April 25, 2007

andrea, better than yelling “you will die of dysentery”

56. Jerkwheat - Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Steve wins the internets

57. cdnmoose - Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Of course, now I’m reading all of the tombstones imagining them as things you should say during sex.

Some actually work quite well in a sexual situation:

“I’m your huckleberry”
“allow myself to introduce…myself”
“Try not to disturb the eels” (actually, disturb the eel all you like)
“Hang on tightly, let go lightly” (but not too tightly)
“At least I’m not an anteater” (though depending on your skill level, she may disagree)

Oh, and of course, “You have died of dysentery”. That’s gold at the right moment.

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