Ask Tuffy – Give a Hoot Sunday, April 22, 2007Posted by Tuffy in ask tuffy, tuffy.
Tags: owls watch you masturbate
Wherein Tuffy helps the needy and oblivious for cash and prizes…
It has come to the attention of Ask Tuffy that a pretender to the throne has arisen under the cover of darkness. Apparently, the Wisconsin Humane Society has chosen to hitch their success to my star by naming their Eastern Screech Owl after yours truly and giving him a column.
Clearly, this tiny asio thinks he can flutter into my territory. You try to roll with the biped mammals and you better be ready to nurse your young and your wounds, Hootie and Your Column Blows. I’ll show you how we treat animals humanely around here, with the emphasis on human. As in, “we’re the humans; you can leave filling the inches to us and concentrate on blocking logging projects.”
This bird has clearly stolen my readers’ questions and tried pitifully to answer them, making the Hamlet monkeys seem productive and efficient. To treat my readers as they should be, I will reclaim my questions and answer them with all the skill a hairy bastard can bring to bear. (Bear, as in “we mammals stick together, so keep your head on a swivel, owl boy.”)
Does Tuffy like the bunny Fufu and pork chop sandwiches?
Hey, Michele. Yeah, I once had a party where I invited Fufu over and we did have pork chop sandwiches as part of the catering. Here’s all you need to know about Fufu: dude can’t hold his liquor. After a couple Red Bull and vodkas, he was bouncing all over the place and shouting, “I will bop your heads now! Huh? How you like me now? I’m bopping you!” Then his heart exploded. Apparently, rabbits shouldn’t drink caffeine or alcohol. Dude should’ve known better.
Those pork chop sandwiches were good, though. It’s a shame that place went out of business.
Do you ever get lost in the Humane Society? Would you like to meet me? Do you eat other birds? Do you like Doritos?
~Samantha, Age 7
Aw, aren’t you all curious and cute, Samantha? Did you know that Samantha is an old Aramaic name, meaning “I wish we had a son”?
First, I know I’m lost when I’m at the Humane Society and it’s not a smart-ass name for a bar. Humane societies smell like old people, almost as much as a nursing home.
Next, I’m sure you’re lovely, kid, but I have enough trouble. Do you know Chris Hansen? Just curious.
Finally, I like nothing more than eating birds and Doritos. If Alton Brown ever invents a Doritos-based stuffing for Thanksgiving, I will declare every week to be Thanksgiving. I will give thanks until they have to cut a hole in the wall to drag out my bloated, sated corpse.
Hi. Are there Screech Owls in Wisconsin in general, besides you? If so, where are they located?
~Mary from Milwaukee
This is the problem with not paying my copyright lawyers enough; this travesty has been going on so long that people are confusing me with an owl. Okay, Mary from Milwaukee’s fine public schools and other institutions, let me break it down for you: that’s an owl. They eat and poop and cough up hairballs with mouse bones in them. Are you looking for an answer about demographics from something that coughs up hairballs? In that case, I recommend ACNielsen.
How do you type with your talons?
~from Tim, Whitefish Bay
That’s the least interesting thing I do with my talons, if you know what I mean. Can you put your mom on the line?
Were you ever a wild owl? Are you ever allowed outside? What kinds of food do you eat? Is your cage big or small? Please write back soon.
Your owl lov’n friend,
Aren’t you needy, Natalie? First, you need an i and a g to spell ‘loving’. If I spot you a c, l, and u, do you think you could find a clue?
Here’s what you need to know: I’m a blogger. I blog. I haven’t seen the outside world since 2002 and that was because of a fire alarm. That was the scariest damned day of my life. My cage feels spacious because it’s in my mind, preventing me from going outside myself. It feels very comfortable in here. It’s quiet. Very quiet.
Also, I eat pork chop sandwiches and Doritos-laden turkeys.
“How old are you? How long have you been on the website? How long have you been at the Humane Society? Do you like kids? Why are you with the Humane Society? Reply please.”
Snitches get stitches, Emily. Think about it.