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Amazing Race: Not-so-smart Cookies Monday, April 9, 2007

Posted by ladyandrea in aracearoundtheworld, Lady Andrea, reality TV.

Last week, we had a two-hour extravaganza of crap, with an intersection that lost the Beauty Queens’ their lead and didn’t even give the Guidos a chance to make up their elimination penalty. BOOOOO, Intersection. We did get a funny line from Eric, but just when I think he might be okay, along comes this week and I hate him again.

So, we are at a castle in Krakow, Poland. The teams who got the Fast Forward (Uchenna/Joyce and Oswald/Danny) leave at 9:48 pm and the other 3 teams don’t leave the pitstop until around 3 am. It doesn’t matter, though, because nobody’s flight for Kuala Lumpur leaves until later in the morning. There are 3 flights: Mirna/Charla fly through Warsaw and Vienna, Uchenna/Joyce fly through Frankfurt, and the other 3 teams fly through Paris (the city, not the girl.  Although I have no doubt that a 747 would totally fit). This will be the last time we see Uchenna and Joyce for awhile. They are gone for so long, I start to fear they were eaten by German bears. They’re not just a threat in the United States, guys. Safety first.

Once in Kuala Lumpur, they are required to base jump between two towers and then have sex with an octogenarian. Oh wait, sorry. That’s Catherine Zeta-Jones. How weird is it that Michael Douglas meant dating someone young for her…..

Anyway…there’s kind of a useless side trip up some stairs to a clue that just tells them to go to a Mosque for another clue. I will be glossing over that. It’s hot, they climb the stairs, there are monkeys. Whatever.

At the mosque, there is aYield Mat (where you can choose to yield a team behind you and when that team arrives at the mat, they must wait until an hourglass runs out before they can continue). Mirna and Charla get there first, choose not to yield anybody and open the Detour. This Detour is Artistic Expression vs Another Eating Task After the Sausage One (or “Cookie Confection”). In AE, they get to use batik to replicate a pattern on a 45 ft piece of cloth. In CC, they must search through 600 boxes of cookies (not 600 cookies, 600 boxes of cookies) to find the one with the black licorice center. Mirna and Charla choose cookies because they love cookies. Sigh. You know, I love cheese but I would certainly not jump at the chance to gnaw my way through 600 blocks of cheese. (Also, sorry about the picture but I Yahoo image-searched “cheese” and that came up and made me laugh really hard. Wisconsonians are funny).

At the cookie choice, Mirna and Charla start in on the cookies. They are stuffing their faces and then spitting out the cookie and it’s really much more disgusting to watch than I actually just described it. I think there must have been an instruction we did not hear about having to bite into the cookies because nobody uses the technique of just crumbling the cookies in her hands, which is what I would’ve done.

Elsewhere, the Beauty Queens arrive at the Yield and they don’t know where the other teams are, so they yield Eric/Danielle. Here’s how I feel about the Yield: it’s unnecessary, just like the Intersection. Just let the teams race. However, since it is there whether the teams or I like it or not, I would definitely use it. If you aren’t sure how much lead you have over the other teams and you’re getting down to the final legs of the race, why not use it? It’s smart racing to try to delay another team. Also, yay for yielding Eric the Ass and Chesty McBoobs. They’re awful.

The Beauty Queens are also smart in realizing that 600 boxes is a helluva lot of cookies, so they choose the art detour. Oswald and Danny choose cookies. Danny’s reasoning is that the cookies task is fast (I believe) because you can just barrel through it, whereas the art task is more painstaking. However, I just want to shake them both for going along with this logic because HAVE YOU EVER WATCHED THIS SHOW BEFORE? Needle-in-a-haystack is NEVER the right choice. Unless you get incredibly lucky, it takes FOR-EV-ER (Sandlot).

Ass and Chesty get to the yield and here’s why I call them these nasty names: they see that they have been yielded and they immediately start calling the Beauty Queens “dirty hookers,” “bitches” and “dirty pirate hookers.” I’m not sure what yielding has to do with exchanging sex for money or looting and/or plundering or bellowing, “More ale, wench!” but apparently Eric and Danielle’s wisdom is just far beyond me. I just really hate that they’re so mad when I have no doubt they would have used the yield if given the chance. Also, if I was going to be a dirty hooker, I think a pirate one would really be the way to go. You could wear a patch and have a hook. Nobody would mess with me if I had a hook.

Moving on….Mirna and Charla quit the cookie task, so we no longer have to watch them shove shortbread into their mouths. Mmmmmm, shortbread cookies. Oswald and Danny arrive at the cookies and Oswald starts testing every cookie. Danny only tests one from each box, because he seems to think that there is one BOX of licorice cookies. I honestly cannot even understand what is happening right now because why in the world would that be the detour? It wouldn’t! On this show, people have unrolled giant hay bales, broken bottles over their partners’ heads and squished tomatoes while locals pelted them with produce. Needle-haystack challenges are NEVER EASY, I don’t know what Danny was thinking. And Oswald just goes along with it! WTF?

They also can’t decide what to do. It’s like they both need a nap or something. They quit cookies, start to go to art, decide to go back and keep doing the cookies, then they decide to quit again and go to the art detour. WHAT. EVER. I love this team, but they were annoying in the first half of this episode.

Mirna/Charla arrive at the art detour and Mirna realizes she has to basically do it all because Charla’s arms won’t reach the table the fabric is laid out on. That sucks. It’s kind of mean they didn’t have a stepstool for Charla so she could help. They have Little Person Armor but not a stepstool?

Danny and Oswald finally arrive at art and it is apparently very, very hot and Danny comments, “You could’ve told me I was going to be in a sweatshop in Malaysia.” Hee hee. However, they again run a little roughshod over the task and don’t do the correct number of rows of batiking and must start over. That sucks, but you gotta pay attention fellas.

Ass and Chesty pick the cookies. They get there and start chowing down and Chesty says, “600 cookies is a lot.” Except it’s boxes, you dumb –you know what? I don’t even care enough anymore to make fun of them.

The Beauty Queens finish the batiking and head for the next clue, a Roadblock. In this task, the team member doing it must ride a bike with a sidecar up and down the streets asking for newspapers, until he or she has collected a stack that is 8-hands high. Barbaro takes the roadblock. I’ve never seen a horse ride a bicycle! The sound editors add some great circus music, it’s like they know I call her that. Anyway, she runs into a man who gives her newspapers and says she’ll have no problem collecting papers, looking the way she does. Yeah, no shit. She gets done fairly quickly and they take off for the pitstop. In the cab, Beauty reveals her first job was a paper route. That’s adorable. SO WAS MINE! We should all hang out! Also, the BQs are team #1 and they win retro scooters. Phil flirts with them a little, Phil LIIIIIIKES the Beauty Queens! (Well, who wouldnt’? I want to be BFFs with them!)

Mirna and Charla finish the batiking and also head for the newspapers. Again, Mirna has to do it because Charla cannot. I ask again, why not a Little Person Bicycle? That seems very strange to me. Also, Mirna almost immediately veers her bike into a parked truck. Does she know how to ride a bike?

The other two teams finally finish batiking and cookie-eating and arrive at the roadblock. Danielle and Danny take the roadblock. So, 3 people are out riding around, honking their bike horns and asking for newspapers. It’s about that exciting. Mirna finds a household that has like 4 million newspapers and she finishes fairly quickly. She stoops down to talk to a young kid who helped her and goes, “Stay off drugs, go to school, be a professional, you’re in good shape.” She blows kisses to him as they leave. It’s actually pretty cute and funny. Mirna and Charla do have their moments, I’ll give them that. In light of the end of this episode, I hope they are in the Top 3.

Speaking of the end of the episode, my mom and I start to go, “Where the hell are Uchenna and Joyce?” Bears, y’all. Scary German Bears, they’re a viable threat.

Danny is having a hell of a time with this task. He can’t find any newspapers, he’s dehydrated and he’s really hot. He brings back a load of papers and comments about how much he hates Oswald. Oswald is trying to cheer him on and Danny just keeps going, “Haaaaate you. I haaaaate you.” It’s cute, but in that way where you know if Danny gets pushed just a little farther, he’ll try to run Oswald over with the bicycle. Danny does ask for a glass of water from one of his houses, which is pretty funny.

Danielle crashes, totally bends one of her wheels, but her left boob flags down some help. Her right boob loads the newspapers and she finishes up. As she walks the bicycle back to the station, she wheezes, “Every roadblock for a guy, I do.” and it is intercut with shots of Eric laughing, “I do all the easy challenges.” I understand she means the more physically demanding challenges, but there are two girl-girl teams who seemed to have finished pretty quickly, so maybe it’s not the fact that you’re a girl and it’s just the fact that you suck so badly that you can’t do this task very well. Anyway, her left boob hails a cab and they and Eric take off for the pitstop.

Danny and Oswald are right behind them and in the cab they have a great exchange:
Danny: I asked for a lemonade.
Oswald: So basically you had lunch? I was worried about you and your health and you were having a lemonade?
They are so cute together.

Ass and Chesty McBoobs are team #3, Oswald and Danny are team #4. Uchenna and Joyce finally arrive in Kuala Lumpur. It’s nighttime and they get the first clue and are sent directly to the pitstop. They check in and are sent home. Bummer.

Well, we’re down to the Final Four. I’m rooting for the Beauty Queens and Oswald/Danny and I think if I have to pick a third Top 3, it would be Mirna and Charla. Eric and Danielle need to go.



1. Baba Oje - Monday, April 9, 2007

Boobies! (the second set, not the first one)

2. Peter Cavan - Monday, April 9, 2007

The “dirty pirate hookers” and “bitches” stuff was really uncalled for. I understand they were upset about being yielded, but name-calling? I can’t help it being a guy, but all I noticed every time Dani was on screen was the position of the zipper on her sports bra. She should have let her boobs ride the bike.

I’m so sick of Mirna yelling at Charla. I’m sure she’s a lovely person in real life, but on the show she’s the bitch. We’re now at the point where it’s likely I’ll meet her at TARCon next month. If I drink too much she’ll hear “I no eat tomorrow!” from me.

3. ladyandrea - Monday, April 9, 2007

You’re going to TARCon next month? In NYC? I”M SO JEALOUS!!!!

4. Amanda - Monday, April 9, 2007

Phil is so obviously biased in favor of the BQ’s, it’s not even funny. They got the DOUBLE eyebrow-raise from him before he said they were first! That’s just not fair. It is nice to see that Phil is an actual human man and not just the Philiminator, though. If the BQ’s do end up winning it will be well-deserved, I will give them that.

Peter Cavan, you crack me up. Just tonight I said to hubby, “I no eat tomorrow! Take my $50!” Every time I start to like C/M they do something stupid again. It’s kind of sad.

The Amazing Editors stressed the ‘risk’ of Joyce/Uchenna’s tight connection in Frankfurt a bit much, methinks. Saw that elimination coming a mile away.

5. The Fan's Attic - Monday, April 9, 2007

So, what the hell happened with Uchenna and Joyce? Did they just get on a crappy flight? I forgot about TAR last night as I got absorbed in catching up on Sopranos episodes from ONDemand.

6. ladyandrea - Monday, April 9, 2007

I apologize for not being clearer about that. They missed their connection in Frankfurt and had to wait til the next day to get one.

7. MoL - Monday, April 9, 2007

FWIW, the Frankfurt airport is pretty big. An hour, for an international flight, is not a lot of time. Even being on TAR, I can see how they could miss it. Do these contestants get to breeze through customs because of TAR or do they have to wait in line like the rest of us?

Side-note: does it make anyone else like it when they see a place they’ve actually been to, even if it is just an airport?

8. ladyandrea - Monday, April 9, 2007

No, I definitely got excited seeing places in Poland that I’ve actually seen.

They have to wait at customs. In past seasons, some teams have actually had their cameraman get held up at customs and they don’t get any kind of time credit, just like when a car breaks down or whatever.

9. steve - Monday, April 9, 2007

So I got to watch TAR with my family last night. And I was introducing them to the LA nicknames. My mom nearly fell off the couch laughing when I called them “Beauty and the Barbaro”, then my dad chimes in with “that one looks like she could be John Elway’s daughter”. It’s good to see they hate the same teams I do… maybe I’m not adopted after all.

10. ladyandrea - Monday, April 9, 2007

YAY! REALLY???? That is so awesome, yay Steve’s mom and dad!

11. Peter Cavan - Monday, April 9, 2007

I live in NYC. TARCon is just a cab ride away. I went in December and I’m going next month. I watch the show each week with a few friends and we’re all going. You should come here for it sometime.

12. CabbageHead - Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I have finally figured Eric out he has the “young guy who gets laid too easily” syndrome. Because he’s kind of an empty suit, he sees no other reason to be nice to women, since he doesn’t have to TRY to get laid. Which makes certain types of women (not all, thankfully) flock to him EVEN MORE, just worsening the vicious cycle.

I am confident in my hypothesis b/c I have a cousin who was just like that. I went out drinking with him one night, and it was amazing to watch. He was completely shit-faced, didn’t even make eye contact with the women that approached him, and they just kept coming (oops, not that way, BAD pun) in waves.

But there is a rude awakening for the Erics of the world – it’s called hitting your 30s. My cousin has now lost all of his hair, and has already been divorced once (his wife rose up the professional ranks, got tired of all his shit, and had an affair). Fortunately, he’s much less of an asshat now. Spends alot of time doing church missionary work, oddly enough!

I did chuckle at “dirty pirate hookers” though. WTF makes you come up with that word sequence? Agree with LA about it being a great Halloween costume and all. Us TAR nerds would totally get it. La, you must try it. And post the pics!

13. ladyandrea - Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Halloween? I meant, if I were to become a hooker, a dirty pirate hooker is the only way to go.

14. CabbageHead - Tuesday, April 10, 2007

oops, my morning reading comprehension is REALLY bad.

15. steve - Tuesday, April 10, 2007

If I recall, I think “dirty pirate hooker” is a quote from Anchorman: Legend of Ron Burgundy. Maybe it’s “stinky pirate hooker”. It’s a phrase I’ve used more than once before, and I was actually quite thrilled when it made it’s appearance on TAR.

16. DougOLis - Tuesday, April 10, 2007

That marbled pink shirt Dustin wears is hideous by the way. How awesome is it that her first job was a paper route?

Ha, dirty pirate hookers. I would have resented Eric if it would have just been bitches and hookers, but that made me laugh and I hold no ill will.

Do you think Danny talked kind of like Bill Simmons during the paper task?

I’ve been to several places on the show and it is cool seeing them again; it feels like you have a stronger connection and you know what they’re witnessing/going through. I haven’t been to any from this season yet, but that’ll change in June when I go to Zanzibar.

17. Bort - Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I’ll be at TARCON as well. At the last TARCON, I tried to beat the open bar and I lost – so I may have met Peter Cavan and have no memory of it.

Great article, as usual, Lady Andrea!

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