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Alphonse and Eliot watch “The Sopranos” Monday, April 9, 2007

Posted by cdnmoose in CDNMoose, The Sopranos, Things too long to read.
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Alphonse and Eliot Watch “The Sopranos”

As a throw-in to a very expensive and complicated deal that DeadOn made with some mad scientists in Myanmar last month (long story), we received an electronic gizmoid/thingamajig that allows us to communicate with the dead while we watch TV (yes, I am aware that’s a stupid thing to own—that’s why it was a throw-in). The timing and scope of who we can talk to is limited, and we don’t actually know who we are gonna get on the other end of the megacouplex transducer until we unhinge it from it’s flangemoxer. Hey, the thing looks impressive, anyway. It has lots of blinking lights.

As tonight is the gleeful return of “The Sopranos”, we thought it would be the perfect opportunity to try out the new toy. We plug the machine in and with an impressive electric arc and the smell of burning hair, it comes to life and we hear a loud crackling noise followed by…

Alphonse: Hey, fellas…what’s the rumpus? It’s hot as Hell here because, well, dat’s where I am. Go figure.
Eliot: Good evening from Heaven, gentlemen.

For an hour, the situation is explained to them and once they both agree to participate, they are asked if they have seen the show before…

Alphonse: I haven’t actually seen it because we don’t get cable in Hell. I gotsta go to a gin mill down a flow of molten rock here to listen to the show on an olde-timey radio every Sunday. Hey, is that “Meadow” as much of a tasty cupcake as she sounds? Oh doctor, what I wouldn’t give to get my scar near that smelly jelly hole…
Eliot: No sir, I have not seen it. Frankly, I do not care for the cussing. I only agreed to watch since you say we are down to the last nine episodes and (of course), the good guys always win. Seeing the government take this man down will certainly “bust the case wide open” in my pants (so to speak).

After a quick refresher on the series here, we all take a collective seat and watch the show.

We open on a white-on-black title card that tells us we are in the year “2004”.

We’re back at Johnny Sack’s arrest, but this time we see Johnny’s kid watch Tony flee the scene from his room upstairs. He sees Tony toss the gun in the snow and he goes and retrieves it later that night.

Yeah, apparently, the Wile E. Coyote-esque profile it left in the snow was too subtle for the FBI to find.

Anyway, the “Junior Sack” goes out that night with a flashlight and retrieves the gun. Sadly foreshadowing his prom night, he accidentally shoots one off right after he touches it. He scurries back to the house.

Alphonse: I once raped a kid who looked just like that guy…Hey, why are youse guys lookin’ at me like that? Hey, maybe that word has a different meaning now than it did back in the ’30s. By “raped” I mean “forced at knife-point to give me oral pleasure”. My apologies for the confusion.

We cut to a newspaper headline about the 2007 budget, so I guess we’re back in present day. How clever. But then again, why the subtle return-from-flashback when we opened with the old “white-on-black” title cards? I’m confused.

Anyway, we are back at Tony’s house. There is a knock on the door at precisely 6AM that Tony and Carmela take as being *the* Knock On The Door (Carmela: “Is this *it*?“).

It does look that way. Cops are at the house. Knocking and ringing the bell. They are there to arrest Tony Soprano.

Eliot: Frankly, I that is overkill on their knocking technique. In my day, three precise and rapid raps in succession on the door would do the trick.
Alphonse: Anything more than three times and you’re just playin’ with yourself, eh Nessie?

Turns out, a gun with hollow-point ammo was recently used in a crime.

Eliot: Hey, I’ll bet Billie Holiday’s knickers that was the gun that Tony just dropped in the snow in the flashback…
Alphonse: Geez, you think? Wow, you are a fuckin’ masterful detective. Geez, I can’t believe you’re the doorknob what put me in the clinker.

Tony slips the finger to the cops as they cuff him.

Alphonse: I like the balls on this guy. He’s like a fat version of me.
Eliot: Alphonse, the only thing that’s fatter on him than you is his willicker.

Janice calls asking if Carmela has talked to Tony about coming out to the lake. Yeah, Jan? We’re kindof busy right now. What with the “arrest” thing happening.  Janice assures them: It’s a gun, no big deal“. Janice should have been a public defender.

After the call, Janice tells Bobby: “If you have hollow point bullets in *anything*, take them out today“.

Alphonse: And she means bullets in anything. You know: guns, guns or…guns.

We cut to Tony in the holding cell…behind him we see a shot of a guy about to take a dump in the communal toilet. That’s quality television. Anyway, dude doesn’t wipe the seat before he goes to sit (gross), but as it turns out, he squats and doesn’t touch the seat, so I guess that doesn’t matter.

Alphonse: Oh, this holding cell takes me back….
Eliot: This is why criminals are dumb. It’s a self-fulfilling outcome: if people don’t sit and they try to evacuate from above, they make messes. People make messes and then they can’t sit on the seat.
Alphonse: Are you tellin’ me you’d sit on that hoop?
Eliot: Oh, dear God, no. That’s how people get syphilis, and how women get pregnant I understand.

At the hearing, we hear that Johnny Sack’s kid was caught in a road stop and they found drugs and the gun in his car and he cut a deal by fingering it as being Tony’s gun.

Eliot: Does this courtroom scene take you back, Alphonse?
Alphonse : Ah, go suck a lemon.

We cut to Phil Leotardo, who is at his own welcome back party. Apparently, he “looks fantastic”. Phil protests to his crew that they’re just sayin’ that, but becomes convinced when the old standby is uttered: “Aw, c’mon. Would I shit you? You’re my favourite turd“.

Eliot: I don’t get it.
Alphonse: It’s a term of endearment, you fuck. Like if you were my favourite piece of shit, I wouldn’t want to let you go. As it turns out, you’re just the biggest piece of shit I know, and I would be happy to be rid of ya.

Phil’s crew hears about Tony getting caught and don’t have too much sympathy for the guy “Jersey. Fucking farmers…probably going down on some sheep or some shit

Eliot: Now *that* I get.
Alphonse: Why am I not surprised?

Tony has made bail, and his family and some of his crew welcome him home. Christopher is suspiciously absent.

AJ shows little Hector the “Blanca” tattoo he just got on his arm. Yes, in addition to sporting the Joey Fatone beard and the Robbie Williams haircut, he has now tattooed a chick’s name to the inside of his arm.

Alphonse: That kid’s a queenie just as sure as Nessie here is, too.
Eliot: Not that it is any of your business Alphonse, but I will have you know that I made textbook, not-entirely-dispassionate love to my wife just this past November.
Alphonse: Oh, you animal. I guess to her Heaven ain’t all it’s cracked up to be, huh?

Bobby talks Tony in to coming up to the lake after all, since he has set up a meeting with some Canadians (those fuckers).

Alphonse: Hey, can you still get Canadian Club up there? God, I could go for some of that hooch right now. All we have here in Hell is something called “Zima”. I’d rather drink Hitler’s urine.

The Federal Prosecutor shows up at the Essex County Prosecutor’s office.

Eliot: I like it. The Federal Officer is going to congratulate this young man on going above-and-beyond the call of duty in doing whatever had to be done to put that maniac behind bars. A gun charge is just as good as a tax evasion charge in my book. You know, he reminds me of a young Eliot Ness…

Umm….maybe not so much. The Federal Prosecutor calmly tears the Essex County Prosecutor a new one: “You just had to have your cheap headline, huh? Can you really not be aware that we’ve been building a RICO case against Soprano for five fucking years? Then you blow this popcorn fart…

Alphonse: Yeah, nice work detective. It was a bush-league play in ’31, and it’s a bush-league play today.
Eliot: <grumbles>

Tony and Carmela head up to the lake. Carmela doesn’t like the trip into the wilderness much, complaining of things like her “phone has one little bar“.

Eliot: Ha…yes, well…that is what *she* said. Am I right, Alphonse? I am implying that Tony’s penis is small. I took that joke from a delightful comedian I saw on Starz! this weekend. I am so glad that Jesus finally gave in and got the movie package.
Alphonse: Yeah, youse a regular “Amos n’ Andy” routine come to life, ya schmuck.

Tony takes a call in the car. Turns out Essex county has dropped the charges.

Eliot: Well, if I may lose my Jack Benny-like persona for a moment, a prosecutor dropping charges is not a laughing matter.
Alphonse: Trust me, Nessie. Ain’t nobody laughin’ at what’s comin’ out of your pie hole.

They arrive at the lake. Carmela is glad they finally got there: “I’ve had to pee since Glen Falls“.

Alphonse:  You know, I knew a guy named Glen Falls when I was a teenager in Brooklyn. What’s funny is that I used to pee on him all the time. Would you call that ironic, Mr. Untouchable?

As they stand by the dock, Tony sees Bobby come around the corner and calls out “National Lampoon’s Vacation!“.

Eliot: Oh, wait– I believe he is implying that Bobby reminds him of Cousin Eddie from those vulgar “Vacation” movies. I saw a marathon on Cinemax last weekend. You know, they would have been so much funnier without the cursing. I mean, why not just say “The portable toilet is full”? See? Same gag, but now we can all enjoy it.

They go into the cabin and make some smalltalk about Bobby and Janice’s mansion back in the city (the one Tony got for them from Johnny Sack). He busts their chops about this and that (and make notes about lawn maintenance, since they let the gardener go). I still stand by my Sopranos finale prediction that Tony gets whacked by the disgruntled gardener.

The boys go out and practice hunting by shooting trees from 30 feet away with an automatic weapon that can shoot 800 rounds per minute. Makes sense.

Alphonse: I know Ness is gonna go on and on about overkill, but hey, that pine tree is gonna look pretty top notch when it’s stuffed and put on the mantle.

They talk about hunting. Apparently, Bobby only hunts with a bow and arrows now  since it “levels the playing field”.

Eliot: For Heaven’s sake– why doesn’t he just go all the way and start hunting “the most dangerous game”: man. That would really level things out.
Alphonse: Geez, I like where your head’s at, Eliot. Maybe youse a square gee after all.
Eliot: I was being sarcastic, Alphonse.

In any event, he gives the big and impressive gun to Tony for his birthday.

Eliot: Yes, nothing says “Happy Birthday” like “I know you are going through weapons charge uncertainty, so here’s a modified and illegal automatic rifle for you to console yourself with”.
Alphonse: Not true. Nothing says “Happy Birthday” like a foot massage from a teenage Vietnamese boy. Trust me.

They all go and talk at the lake. Janice comments that Tony is different since the shooting incident. Carmela then shares the story of how Perdeep (their pharmacist) had a pool party and even with all those people around, a three year old-kid was found face-down in the pool and is now brain dead. Tony can’t get that story out of his mind.

Eliot: I believe this is “foreshadowing”. That gardener is going to drown Tony in his own pool…or maybe one of his kids is gonna die that way. This is chilling stuff.

In bed that night, Tony is grunting and moving in bed erratically. He is either passing a stone or he is trying to open a really, really stuck lid on a jar of peanut butter.

Oh, no wait—sorry. It’s not that at all.

Carmela is giving Tony his birthday gift from her…with her mouth.

Alphonse: If this is anything like my 20th-birthday gift that I got from that flapper from the exotic revue in Detroit, he’s getting the gift that keeps on giving. It still burns when I pee 80 years later.

Tony and Bobby talk. Looks like Bobby is finally gonna get a promotion. He notes that historically, 80% of the time, guys like Tony end up in the can like Johnny Sack (or worse).

Tony realizes that Bobby hasn’t “popped his cherry”– he hasn’t ever killed a guy. Tony congratulates Bobby since killing is “one big pain in the balls”. Bobby replies yeah, “especially now with all that DNA evidence”.

Eliot: Who needs evidence? Give me a crack squad of do-gooders and I can bring any man down.
Alphonse: I don’t think Tony was talkin’ about DNA evidence there, El. I think he’s lookin’ into his soul and is troubled by what he’s done. Not that I went through that kinda shit– Tony’s obviously a fancy-pants.

At dinner that night they continue drinking. Tony makes his annual fake-plea for “No presents, just a few kind words”. He gets presents. He gets Super 8 movies transferred to DVD from Janice and a set of golf clubs from Carmela. He gets nothing from Bobby (unless goofy, drunken stares are a present).

Later that night, still drinking, they do some karaoke. And by “do some”, I mean “butcher some” like the way probably had to cut up Vito to fit him in a hole in the swamp. Ugh.

Eliot: Listening to that, I think I can start to appreciate what Hell is like. My condolences, Alphonse.
Alphonse: Yeah, I’d rather stay here for eternity than have to listen to that for an hour.

At the lake, the gang plays Monopoly with modified”Free Parking” rules (fines go into the middle (instead of the bank) and anyone who lands on Free Parking gets that cash). Bobby is very much against it: “You know, the Parker Bros. took time to think this all up. I think we should respect that“.

Eliot: I like this man. He appreciates the value of a rule.
Alphonse: The man’s a fancy-pants who doesn’t respect cabbage. I got nuthin’ to say to him.

Tony cheats by stealing from the bank, and later when he collects the free parking, Bobby claims This is bullshit. You take a game of skill and make it all about luck…“. Bobby’s getting agitated.

There are few ideas worse than families drinking and playing Monopoly. It’s a recipie for disaster. 

Further poking the sleeping bear, Janice tells family stories that upset Tony (since it makes their family look dysfunctional). They continue playing the game and Tony gets a couple of hurtful shots in on Janice, like when she lands on Boardwalk…

Eliot: Is Tony implying that she gave oral gratification to gentlemen right under the Boardwalk in Atlantic City?
Alphonse: Don’t look so shocked, buttercup. It’s the same as what youse used to do to make a couple of bucks down by the docks in Chicago.

Bobby tells Tony he’s gone too far with the insults (the kicker is that Tony said that Janice lost first-prize in a beauty contest to a “shaved German Shepherd’s asshole”). Tony starts to sing “Under the Boardwalk…with a schlong in Jan’s mouth”. At that point Bobby…well, Bobby does something that probably isn’t very smart.

He sucker punches the head of the mob.

Alphonse: I don’t know what it’s like out there today, but I can assure you, this fancy pants would be wearing his ass as a hat right now if he tried that back in the ’30s.

A fight ensues. Bobby gets the best of Tony. At the end of the fight, Tony is getting up from the table he just crashed through and has a Monopoly house stuck to his cheek. Something symbolic happens when he wipes it from his face onto the floor (he got Janice and Bobby the house, remember?). I dunno, I never went to film school, but that seems like some shit.

They awake the next morning, blame is transferred around between Tony and Carmela and they decide to leave. When they see Janice and Bobby, Janice opens with “I hope you’re hungry, I made a fritada!“. Bobby counters with “I made us fizzes!“. Carmela says “You know, I think we’re just going to leave“.

Janice says “Not because of last night?

Eliot: Oh no, Janice, of course not. What happened last night? A drunken fistfight and implications that you were once a whore in Atlantic City? I’m sure that didn’t have anything to do with that at all.

But as it turns out, they can’t really leave because Tony and Bobby have the meeting later today with the “Canooks” (those bastards). So, they all blame the alcohol and agree to stay for the day at the cabin.

Tony won’t let the fight go (because he lost) and keeps bringing up excuses in conversation with everyone. Ducks fly at the lake, the kids sing duck songs. Lots of symbolic shit goes down.

Christopher calls Tony  Hey, T it’s me! Just wanted to wish you a belated happy birthday!“. <Click>, Tony doesn’t say a word– just hangs up.

Alphonse: If I was that kid, I’d start getting someone else to start my car in the mornings.

Tony and Bobby leave to go to their meeting with the Canadians (those bastards). As they drive, Tony makes an unexpected turn at the fork in the road…Bobby feels queasy. Maybe he’s gonna get whacked.

Back at the lake, Janice has another mini-freak out (“Maybe it’s these estrogen pills“). Carmela assures her that Tony has never raised his hand to the children or me. She defends Tony by saying there is no excuse for the way Bobby blindsided him with that punch. Tony is not a vindictive man, etc. etc.

The boys meet up with the Canadians and it looks like the deal is to sell pills. They can supply 20,000 pills every 3 months at $10/pop that usually sell for $70/pop. Why? Because they’re expired or something “minor” like that.

Alphonse: Cheap precription medication? What kind of grift is that? Canadians don’t even know how to be respectable gangsters.

In addition, one of the guys has a problem he needs taken care of. He wants his sister’s ex-husband to go away because he wants custody of her kid. He is moving to Winnipeg to be a drummer in a band, so she won’t see her kid anymore.

Alphonse: I had to spend a week in Winnipeg once to do a deal. If he has to move there, I think he’s suffered enough.

But no, for $35K off the deal price, Tony assures the Canadian mobster (oh, how cute!) that his sister’s custody problem will go away. He fingers Bobby to do the hit (No bow and arrows now, Bobby“).

Eliot: Well, well…he *is* hunting the most dangerous game after all.

Tony and Carmela leave the cabin and Janice tells Tony to wait until he sees the footage of an aunt of theirs from the ’60s. “You forget what a beauty she was before the steroids“.

Eliot: I laughed at that, but I have no idea what that means.

Meanwhile, yes it looks like Bobby is gonna lose his cherry in Montreal.

Alphonse: Actually, I lost my cherry in Montreal, too. Just with slightly less blood.

Bobby pops dude in a laundromat—one in the chest, one in the brain. The bullet goes into a dryer and clinks around as he makes his escape. Nice touch.

Eliot: I am not up on your “modern science”, but perhaps that DNA evidence he was so concerned about earlier will be ruined by the fabric softener.

Oh, the feds are taking over the gun charge. When folded into RICO, it’s a pain in the ass.

Eliot: So, looks like we will see more of the Federal Prosecutor making the case against this mobster before the series is over. Excellent. This show is getting better and better.
Alphonse: One kill? No naked women? I thought this show was gonna be better than this…

As Tony watches home movies of him and Janice as kids, Bobby gets back from his trip and stands with his kid in his arms, staring out into the lake.




1. Jerkwheat - Monday, April 9, 2007


Don’t you mean Burma?

2. cdnmoose - Monday, April 9, 2007

You weren’t there when the deal went down, Jerkwheat. Dude was insistent we call it “Myanmar” in the contract.

Something to do with his “independent contractor” status, or something. Lady Andrea did up the deal details. She’d know for sure.

3. Elric VIII Emperor of Melnibone - Monday, April 9, 2007

Now that was a quality Monty Python sketch.


Why did you say Burma?

I panicked.”

4. FrozenCanuck - Monday, April 9, 2007

Funny stuff as always, Moosey, but it took me a few pages to figure out it was Al Capone and Elliot Ness. Or was that the idea?

I didn’t like last night’s show by the way. I’m with Al. Not nearly enough killin’ for this girl.

5. cdnmoose - Monday, April 9, 2007

Elric: Yep, that’s a keeper…”You are Mary, Queen of Scots?” “I am”…

FrozenCanuck: Yeah, all things considered, this was a pretty dumb idea for a post.

And I did like the episode. I really don’t want the last 9 to be a “guess which major character dies this week?” kind of deals.

I would have *really* liked the episode, but I just cannot stand Janice and Bobby, so yeah…that kind of took a lot away from it.

Hey, any episode that has 3 lines total from Paulie, Christopher and Sil (who wasn’t even in this one) can’t be too entertaining…

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