DeadOn March Madness: Wild Wild West Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Posted by LenBiasCocaineSurplus in comedic tag, GWAR, hentai tentacle porn, Len Bias Cocaine Surplus, What the fuck is a jayhawk?.trackback
While most “experts” would have you believe that the fate of the NCAA tourney depends on the skills of the players on the court and the coaches on the sideline and how much money the dean’s pay off the refs to give them the calls I have a different theory.
The NCAA March Madness tourney can be predicted properly simply using the mascot names and the famous alumni and several other factors that will be fed into a computer giving me the proper picks.
This edition: The Wild Wild West
1. Kansas Jayhawks
Famous Alumni– Kristie Alley, Scott Bakula, Don Johnson, The mom from Boy Meets World, Paul Rudd, Rob Riggle
Mascot Fighting- What in the fuck is a Jayhawk you ask?
“The Jayhawk is a mythical bird, a cross between two hunting birds–the noisy blue jay and the quiet sparrow hawk. The term came to prominence just before the Civil War, in Bleeding Kansas, where it was adopted by militant abolitionist groups known as jayhawkers. With the admission of Kansas as a free state in 1861, Jayhawker became synonymous with the people of Kansas. The Jayhawk appears in several Kansas cheers, most notably, the “Rock Chalk, Jayhawk” chant.”
A blue sparrow?
Genetic mutation could have laser eyes. 5/10
Tidbit- Their medical center treats 19,000 patients a year. Roughly 3 times the population of Kansas
2. University of California- Los Angeles Bruins
Famous Alumni- Sean Astin, Jack Black, Llyod Bridges, Nancy Cartwright, Francis Ford Coppola, Heather Locklear, Rob Reiner, Tim Robbins, Ben Stiller, Dr. Demento, Jim Morrison, Randy Newman, Judge Joe Brown
Mascot Fighting – They are ruthless killing machines. 10/10
Tidbit- They have been known to have good basketball teams
3. Pittsburgh Panthers
Famous Alumni -The screenwriter for Snakes on a Plane, Pat Croce, the guitarist from Anti-Flag
Mascot sex appeal- Since I have changed their mascot to the Carolina Panther Cheerleaders they get a 10.
Tidbit- Responsible for the first polio vaccine.
4. Souther Illinois Salukis
Famous Alumni- Jim Belushi, David Cross, Jenny McCarthy (surprisingly did not graduate)
Mascot- Fear the bite of the dog even if it is skinnier than Calista Flockhart. 6/10
Tidbit- “John Belushi created his “COLLEGE” sweatshirt while he attended SIU, although there is controversy about whether he actually attended SIU.”
5. Virgina Tech Hokies
Famous Alumni- A man named Bimbo, Ron Mexico
Mascot- A hokie bird is simply a turkey. While delicious I do not feel it poses a threat. 2/10
Tidbit– Everyone should insist on using their full name “Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University”
6. Fuck Duke
Tidbit- Dick Vitale likes them
7. Indiana Hoosiers
Famous Alumni- The Six Million Dollar Man, The best NBA GM ever
Mascot- People from Indiana? 0/10
Tidbit- Parts of the movie “Breaking Away” was filmed on its campus
8. Arizona Wildcats
9. Villanova Wildcats
10. Gonzaga Adam Morrison Mustache Memorial Band
Famous Alumni- Bing Crosby
Mascot- Adam Morrison’s mustache may be able to travel the country and solve mysteries but it can’t fight. 1/10
Tidbit- The Chad Mitchell Trio met on the Gonzaga campus
11. Virginia Commonwealth University GWAR
Famous Alumni- GWAR
Mascot- GWAR gets a 89/10
Tidbit-
12. Illinois Fighting Illini
Famous Alumni – Roger Ebert, Gene Hackman, Alan Ruck, that guy who wrote Life as a Loser
Mascot- Go play with the Hoosier. 0/1o
Tidbit –Has the largest Greek system in the world
13. Holy Cross Crusaders
Famous Alumni –Bill Simmons, possibly Hench and J-Bug
Mascot- The Children’s Crusade was a lousy attempt at a rebellion 4/10
Tidbit- No really. BILL SIMMONS
14. Wright St Raiders
Famous Alumni- Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls, Brad Sherwood
Mascot- Indiana Jones is a 10/10 but Aaron Brooks is about a -3/10. So that balances off to a 3.5/10
Tidbit- The movie called First Steps is based on a paraplegic named Nan Davis Ferrall walking to get here diploma using computer-controlled electronic simulation device
15. Weber St. WILDCATS
16. This team is listed as “play-in game” on facebook
This is their roster:
Team Roster
Jon Mason #1
G Junior
Lamar Twitty #3
G Sophomore
Darius Glover #4
G-F Senior
Ernest Maul #5
G Junior
Leslie Robinson #11
G Junior
Victor Monaros #14
G Senior
Marcus Santiago #22
F Freshman
Brian Greene #23
G Senior
Joe Ballard #24
G Sophomore
Quinton Strothers #25
F Freshman
John Williams #30
F Freshman
Rome Sanders #32
F Senior
Akini Adkins #33
F Junior
This team does not seem to exist.
My predictions?
First Round: Kansas, Game ends in a draw, Illinois, Southern Illinois, GWAR, Carolina Panther Cheerleaders, Indiana, UCLA
Second round: Kansas gets a bye from that bizarre tie, Southern Illinois, GWAR, UCLA
Third Round: Southern Illinois, GWAR
Finals: GWAR
DeadOn... 
So that’s what a Salukis is? A dog? I really thought it was a Lithuanian… you know, Illinois and all. Plus Lithuanian last names tend to end in -kas, -tis, or -kis. Are you sure its not a Lithuanian?
I don’t think that Hench went to college.
And despite being a Boilermaker, I think that Breaking Away is a fabulous movie.
I know that if Dartmouth had gotten into the big dance, their mascot would not be defeated. Keggy the Keg would simply challenge all comers to a drinking contest and drink them into submission
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keggy_the_Keg
Now I have another reason to hate Holy Cross other than them beating the Golden Gophers in hockey last year. Thanks!
steve–it’s been over 50 years since we made the tournament, and we’re unlikely to come close again any time soon. but of course, the enthusiasm is very much appreciated.
I’m loving this series–some hilarious shit here, LBCS.
Remember, bears are just furry tractors.
David Cross didn’t go to SIU. Bob Odenkirk did.
PJH- A David Cross went there. Just not that one.
Orrin Hatch is a Pitt alum and he could beat the shit out of GWAR.