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DeadOn March Madness: Wild Wild West Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Posted by LenBiasCocaineSurplus in comedic tag, GWAR, hentai tentacle porn, Len Bias Cocaine Surplus, What the fuck is a jayhawk?.

While most “experts” would have you believe that the fate of the NCAA tourney depends on the skills of the players on the court and the coaches on the sideline and how much money the dean’s pay off the refs to give them the calls I have a different theory.

The NCAA March Madness tourney can be predicted properly simply using the mascot names and the famous alumni and several other factors that will be fed into a computer giving me the proper picks.

This edition: The Wild Wild West


1. Kansas Jayhawks

Famous Alumni– Kristie Alley, Scott Bakula, Don Johnson, The mom from Boy Meets World, Paul Rudd, Rob Riggle

Mascot Fighting- What in the fuck is a Jayhawk you ask?

“The Jayhawk is a mythical bird, a cross between two hunting birds–the noisy blue jay and the quiet sparrow hawk. The term came to prominence just before the Civil War, in Bleeding Kansas, where it was adopted by militant abolitionist groups known as jayhawkers. With the admission of Kansas as a free state in 1861, Jayhawker became synonymous with the people of Kansas. The Jayhawk appears in several Kansas cheers, most notably, the “Rock Chalk, Jayhawk” chant.”

A blue sparrow?

Genetic mutation could have laser eyes. 5/10

Tidbit- Their medical center treats 19,000 patients a year. Roughly 3 times the population of Kansas

Best Youtube Video

Bear Podium

2. University of California- Los Angeles Bruins

Famous Alumni- Sean Astin, Jack Black, Llyod Bridges, Nancy Cartwright, Francis Ford Coppola, Heather Locklear, Rob Reiner, Tim Robbins, Ben Stiller, Dr. Demento, Jim Morrison, Randy Newman, Judge Joe Brown

Mascot Fighting – They are ruthless killing machines. 10/10

Tidbit- They have been known to have good basketball teams

Best Youtube video


3. Pittsburgh Panthers

Famous Alumni -The screenwriter for Snakes on a Plane, Pat Croce, the guitarist from Anti-Flag

Mascot sex appeal- Since I have changed their mascot to the Carolina Panther Cheerleaders they get a 10.

Tidbit- Responsible for the first polio vaccine.

Best youtube video


4. Souther Illinois Salukis

Famous Alumni- Jim Belushi, David Cross, Jenny McCarthy (surprisingly did not graduate)

Mascot- Fear the bite of the dog even if it is skinnier than Calista Flockhart. 6/10

Tidbit-John Belushi created his “COLLEGE” sweatshirt while he attended SIU, although there is controversy about whether he actually attended SIU.”

Best youtube video


5. Virgina Tech Hokies

Famous Alumni- A man named Bimbo, Ron Mexico

Mascot- A hokie bird is simply a turkey. While delicious I do not feel it poses a threat. 2/10

Tidbit– Everyone should insist on using their full name “Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University”

Best Youtube Video


6. Fuck Duke

Tidbit- Dick Vitale likes them


7. Indiana Hoosiers

Famous Alumni- The Six Million Dollar Man, The best NBA GM ever

Mascot- People from Indiana? 0/10

Tidbit- Parts of the movie “Breaking Away” was filmed on its campus

Best youtube video


8. Arizona Wildcats


9. Villanova Wildcats

10. Gonzaga Adam Morrison Mustache Memorial Band

Famous Alumni- Bing Crosby

Mascot- Adam Morrison’s mustache may be able to travel the country and solve mysteries but it can’t fight. 1/10

Tidbit- The Chad Mitchell Trio met on the Gonzaga campus

Best Youtube Video


11. Virginia Commonwealth University GWAR

Famous Alumni- GWAR

Mascot- GWAR gets a 89/10


12. Illinois Fighting Illini
Famous Alumni – Roger Ebert, Gene Hackman, Alan Ruck, that guy who wrote Life as a Loser

Mascot- Go play with the Hoosier. 0/1o

Tidbit –Has the largest Greek system in the world

Best Youtube Video


13. Holy Cross Crusaders

Famous Alumni –Bill Simmons, possibly Hench and J-Bug

Mascot- The Children’s Crusade was a lousy attempt at a rebellion 4/10

Tidbit- No really. BILL SIMMONS

Best Youtube Video


14. Wright St Raiders

Famous Alumni- Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls, Brad Sherwood

Mascot- Indiana Jones is a 10/10 but Aaron Brooks is about a -3/10. So that balances off to a 3.5/10

Tidbit- The movie called First Steps is based on a paraplegic named Nan Davis Ferrall walking to get here diploma using computer-controlled electronic simulation device

Best Youtube Video


15. Weber St. WILDCATS

16. This team is listed as “play-in game” on facebook

This is their roster:

Team Roster



Jon Mason #1

G Junior


Lamar Twitty #3

G Sophomore


Darius Glover #4

G-F Senior


Ernest Maul #5

G Junior


Leslie Robinson #11

G Junior


Victor Monaros #14

G Senior


Marcus Santiago #22

F Freshman


Brian Greene #23

G Senior


Joe Ballard #24

G Sophomore


Quinton Strothers #25

F Freshman


John Williams #30

F Freshman


Rome Sanders #32

F Senior


Akini Adkins #33

F Junior

This team does not seem to exist.

My predictions?

First Round: Kansas, Game ends in a draw, Illinois, Southern Illinois, GWAR, Carolina Panther Cheerleaders, Indiana, UCLA

Second round: Kansas gets a bye from that bizarre tie, Southern Illinois, GWAR, UCLA

Third Round: Southern Illinois, GWAR

Finals: GWAR



1. stopmikelupica - Tuesday, March 13, 2007

So that’s what a Salukis is? A dog? I really thought it was a Lithuanian… you know, Illinois and all. Plus Lithuanian last names tend to end in -kas, -tis, or -kis. Are you sure its not a Lithuanian?

2. undergroundbto - Tuesday, March 13, 2007

I don’t think that Hench went to college.

And despite being a Boilermaker, I think that Breaking Away is a fabulous movie.

3. steve - Tuesday, March 13, 2007

I know that if Dartmouth had gotten into the big dance, their mascot would not be defeated. Keggy the Keg would simply challenge all comers to a drinking contest and drink them into submission


4. Weed Against Speed - Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Now I have another reason to hate Holy Cross other than them beating the Golden Gophers in hockey last year. Thanks!

5. Greek McPapadopoulos - Tuesday, March 13, 2007

steve–it’s been over 50 years since we made the tournament, and we’re unlikely to come close again any time soon. but of course, the enthusiasm is very much appreciated.

I’m loving this series–some hilarious shit here, LBCS.

Remember, bears are just furry tractors.

6. PeteJayhawk - Tuesday, March 13, 2007

David Cross didn’t go to SIU. Bob Odenkirk did.

7. LenBiasCocaineSurplus - Tuesday, March 13, 2007

PJH- A David Cross went there. Just not that one.

8. Longsnapper Jones - Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Orrin Hatch is a Pitt alum and he could beat the shit out of GWAR.

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