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Get to Know A Musician – John Mayer Monday, February 19, 2007

Posted by athleticsupporter in Family Guy, Get To Know A Musician, music.

“Get to Know A Musician” is a new weekly feature which will be published on Mondays and highlight an musical artist or group which has been in the news recently. Our aim is to really help you understand what a douchebag / douchebagette the artist(s) in question is.

Today we are going to get to know a great musician with the uncanny ability to write and release some of the most crap-filled sonic abortions to ever grace an album….ever.

John Mayer

Join me after the jump to learn more. I’ll promise you’ll be able to scroll that picture away so you don’t have to see it….

Quick Facts:

When not playing music: He is a blogger, inventor, comedian, talk show host, Apple Computer pitch man, and bear.

Superpower: Ability to write songs that are very possibly getting Jessica Simpson* naked as you read these very words.

Typical Fan: 18-35yo females who wear over sized sunglasses and have a life that revolves around their myspace page.

Typical Anti-Fan: Heterosexual men, and ugly women.

Celebrity Look Alike: Sideshow Bob


As previously mentioned, Mr. Mayer has the ability to write very, very, very bad songs and let them , as he puts it, “be the quarterback of my album”. His Grammy winning song “Your Body is a Wonderland” was ranked by Blender as it’s 28th worst song of all time. When your 5 spots worse than “Barbie Girl”, you’ve got some serious explaining to do. So lets take a quick look at these disastrous pieces of crap.

Room For Squares

“No Such Thing” is a song that sounds like it was written while drunk. I say this, because being drunk on a crappy beer like PBR is the only time when I would actually think of going back to high school. Poor choice of metaphor Mr Mayer, poor choice.

“Your Body Is A Wonderland” qualifies for the #1 position on the Creepiest Song of All Time list. I think the only way this could have been worse if it was called, “I Want To Do Things To You After I’ve Spiked Your Drink With GHB”

Heavier Things

“Daughters”. If I didn’t know better, by the title alone, I would have thought this to be an R. Kelly song. You managed to make girls swoon while singing about their poor relationships with their fathers. Nothing says “hit song” like a hefty helping of daddy issues. This is #2 on the aforementioned Creepiest Song of All Time list.


“Waiting on the World to Change”. After finally gaining “cred” by playing blues music, you went back and wrote this pandering piece of crap that basically is a big laundry list of excuses for the reasons that generations X and Y, for the most part, are such a bunch of apathetic pussies.


The Fox Network’s Family Guy has it’s finger on the pulse of pop culture. And I think they have spoken for many of us …

That’s Enough

*Jessica Simpson is probably not Nacho Friendly, but if anybody has evidence, photographic or otherwise, we would love to do a feature piece.



1. undergroundbto - Monday, February 19, 2007

why does this assclown get to see Jessica Simpson’s boobs? And why did I read the ‘sideshow bob’ tag as ‘side boob’?

2. Elric VIII Emperor of Melnibone - Monday, February 19, 2007

Crappy music targeting underage girls aside, he does get a shred (small one) of respect from me for his Chappelle’s Show appearance.

I would also have a more neutral opinion of him if he didn’t make that ridiculous ‘O’ face every time he plays.

That said, his celebrity look alike is Edward Scissorhands.

3. athleticsupporter - Monday, February 19, 2007

I should have made that a bit clearer in my percocet induced rant that this guy is one hell of a great guitar player.

4. Texas Gal - Monday, February 19, 2007

God I hate this guy. I know it’s popular to say that now, but that wasn’t always the case- and certain friends of mine used to look at me like a crazy person when I voiced disapproval. I mean, “Your Body Is A Wonderland”? BARF. I can’t even be more creative in my criticism of him, that’s how bad he sucks.

5. goathair - Monday, February 19, 2007

Nonetheless, dude WAILS.

6. Jerkwheat - Monday, February 19, 2007

I’ll take some heat for this, but Mayer isn’t all that bad. I really really want to hate on the guy, especially since Wonderland became so popular. But for every shite song that gets the 12 yr old girls excited, there is a fine “Covered in Rain” or even “Slow Dancing In A Burning Room” that lets you see that he can write a good pop tune with a nice blues influence if he puts his mind to it. However, the crime that is “Wonderland” must be paid for some day.

And like goathair said, he can wail. I’d give a random useless body part to be able to play half as good.

7. Torz - Monday, February 19, 2007

What the f**k do you all know about music you miserable f**ks! John Mayer is awesome. Pick on someone without talent…there’s pleantly to chose from – start with your CD collection.

8. athleticsupporter - Monday, February 19, 2007


Whats your myspace page?

9. Jerkwheat - Monday, February 19, 2007

YEA! miserable fucks!

I have a feeling Torz will also hate my upcoming Asshat of the Week column…and my New CD Releases column…and how the fuck did Torz end up here anyway?

10. Ivan - Monday, February 19, 2007

Yeah, i think hes a great guitar player, especially when he grew a pair and started playing more bluesy stuff. The first album/”musical abortion” was quite possibly the worst thing i’ve had to hear and i never understood why girls dig a guy who looked like he just woken up from a 4 day coke bender. But anyway(or anyways as they say here in my part of the world) i think one of his new songs is pretty good, Gravity i believe its called.

11. ben - Monday, February 19, 2007

Being a hetero male, and a professional musician/songwriter, I have changed my mind from hating to respecting John. I got the chance to sit in a Q&A with him a few weeks ago, he’s very well spoken, he chooses to express himself through pop music. Like any well rounded musician he could play any kind of music he wanted to, he’s proven that, and he chooses to write pop songs, and he does that very, very well.

12. Amanda - Tuesday, February 20, 2007

I heard an interview with Eric Clapton a couple of weeks ago…even Clapton recognizes Mayer’s abilities, gushes over them even.

And of course you’d pick the lead-off single from Continuum to hate on. He had to have something to get them to play it on the radio. Listen to “Gravity” or “I’m Gonna Find Another You” in a dark room with headphones and you’ll change your mind.

Plus, his blog is damn funny.

13. lingeringbursitis - Tuesday, February 20, 2007

I think JM is misunderstood because he did start out making shitty music. Like, shitty, shitty music. HOWEVER, I have to give him some benefit of the doubt, because I read a funny-ass interview with him somewhere, and he made no secret of the fact that he made some crappy pop songs to make enough money that he might be able to focus on making “better” music, aka the bluesy stuff with his Trio.

I guess Continuum is his way of saying “I need to pay more bills, but just wait, the good shit will come back soon”.

Not necessarily the best way to go about ones business, but he does have cojones for making all that known.

Also, come on, he was good in that Chappelle show stuff.

14. BigRicks - Tuesday, February 20, 2007

If anyone digs blues guitar and a good concert they should check out Mayer’s performance at Webster Hall last September. It’s available on MSN and on YouTube and he goes into some killer solo’s. I was there and being in a venue where there are only 300 people and John gets to play stuff from his new album (he did play No Such Thing and Daughters) was unreal. There were a TON of disappointed teenie boppers in the crowd, but for every disappointed teeniebopper there was a music lover bending the strings on his/her imaginary guitar wishing they could play 1/1000th as well as Mayer can.

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