30 Rock 2.05 – Greenzo Out

Liz sees Jenna in the hallway and tries to give back what she thinks is Jenna’s lipstick, but Jenna says it’s not hers. Liz is confused, it was in her apartment. Cut to Liz finding the lipstick on the floor under the couch and a pop tart. She eats the pop tart. Eww. Jenna decides Pete must be having an affair.

Liz strolls through a backstage area. A costume assistant comes by toting a pair of comically large yellow gloves. Liz suspiciously asks Jack what sketch those are for. Jack tells her they’re not for a sketch, but a company-wide global eco-initiative. GE is going green, the better to drain the Earth of its remaining resources. Don Geiss is pitting all the divisions against each other to see who can make the most money off the green trend and Jack is going to win with… “Greenzo!” Out jumps David Schwimmer. He chirps his mission statement, “Saving the Earth while maintaining profitability!” Jack notes that he’s the first non-judmental, business-friendly environmental advocate and Schwimmer responds to the string someone pulled in his back, “The free market will solve global warming, if that even exists!” God, he sounds like my dad’s friend who works at a natural gas company. He honestly believes global warming is an invention by scientists to get more research funding. Sometimes I wonder how he manages to tie his shoes in the morning.

Credits.

Schwimmer [“Jared” when he’s not Greenzo] is really excited to have any gig. His last job was in an ad for Rick Lazio’s Senate campaign. “Hillary Clinton wants an all-homosexual army. How will that affect my family?” This was my favorite line of the night from Schwimmer. I don’t really like him in general or in this role, but this is the one line he delivers perfectly, especially the way he over-enunciates “homosexual”. Anyway, Jack tells Schwimmer his billboard is going up in Times Square, he’s releasing an endangered falcon at a Knicks game (Michael Vick is cautiously optimistic), and he’s booked on the Today Show.

Kenneth stands in the middle of the hallway, attempting to force invitations on passers-by. Liz is aghast and ducks into the first door she finds, Tracy’s dressing room. She explains to Tracy that she’s always the only one who shows up to Kenneth’s parties. Cut to a bored Liz watching Kenneth play the organ, a bored Liz doing some sort of clog dance-thing with Kenneth, and a bored Liz in a great Harry Potter costume, dancing with Kenneth/Austin Powers to the awesome sounds of “Werewolf Bar Mitzvah”. Fantastic.

Tracy wonders why no one goes to Kenneth’s parties, he’s such a great dude. He only goes to A-list events, so he can’t come, but he’ll find a way to turn Ken’s jam into a major event. He’s going to start a rumor.

Greenzo is on the Today Show, advising that by getting their parents to buy a GE washing machine, kids can save the Earth. “‘Cause if the Earth’s not there, where’s Greenzo gonna dance?” Please say “outer space without a suit”, please say “outer space without a suit.”

Jack is pleased with his performance and the Today Show wants to give them a recurring segment. He orders Liz to write them up. Schwimmer, his head swelled by his close encounter of the Vieira kind, asks to sit in and give notes, so that the sketches have the proper “Greenzo voice.” “It’s wry and wise, but also very sexual.” In writing this, I’ve now heard Schwimmer say “sexual” four times. No, that’s not something you get used to; it’s just as upsetting every time.

Liz and Jack pedaconference. Jack is raving about the way Greenzo is testing. “They love him in every demographic; colored people, broads, fairies, commies – Gosh, we gotta update these forms.” Geiss loves Greenzo, he even sent Jack a card with a real signature. Liz is unimpressed. “Wow, if he licked the envelope you could clone him and then you’d have two Geisses!” Jack thinks this is a dumb idea. “Yeah right, Lemon. I’m gonna clone Geiss, then compete with a Geiss clone for the CEO position? Think it through.”

BOOM! Kenneth is there, armed with invitations. Liz barely puts up a fight, but Jack has no qualms about dismissing him. He plans to stay at home, listening to some Schubert and viewing some Canadian pornography ironically. There’s an Alanis Morissette joke in there that’s just too horrifying to carry through on.

Liz is perplexed by a smell, which Pete identifies as his body spray, which he got with his new leather jacket. Enough’s enough, and Liz asks him if he’s having an affair. He denies it, but Liz asks him to remember his wife Paula and his sons Robert and Jack and “that creepy little one who’s always rubbing himself against the carpet.” That must be Kyle, the one Pete is afraid of. Pete once again denies he’s cheating on Paula and leaves.

Cerie has the fridge wide open while picking something out. Schwimmer accuses her of releasing enough hydroflourocarbons to kill a penguin, whose picture he’s holding. Either Greenzo has no idea how a refrigerator works or he’s trying to badger a girl into doing what he wants by giving her bad information. I’m guessing the latter, and that Greenzo’s been maced on more than one occasion. Greenzo out!

Tracy catches up to Grizz and Dotcom. He tells them that Kenneth went to high school in Georgia with TI, who might be making an appearance. But they can’t let anyone know. They immediately rush off to tell Josh, so he’ll think they’re cool. That’s like wanting Paris Hilton to think you’re smart. Josh is (of course) unimpressed with the TI news, so Dotcom says Fall Out Boy will be there. Josh (of course) loves Fall Out Boy.

The rumor mill is now on. Josh is trying to get a ride from Frank, so he claims TI’s dancers will be foxy boxing. Frank talks up the party to Cerie, who asks if he can get the four girl cousins she has visiting from Holland into the party. They get sooo drunk. Frank melts into a puddle on the floor. Jenna gets the news from Cerie and begs her publicist to get her an invite. Jonathan tells Jack that he got a call from Geiss’s secretary looking for an invite to Kenneth’s now-epic party. When Jonathan tells him TI is going to be there too, Jack is desperate to get in. “TI? Texas Instruments is going to be there? Logan must be in contention for the CEO spot as well!”

Schwimmer is camped in Liz’s office and berates her for leaving her computer on all night. He also demands to be addressed as Greenzo. Liz gets annoyed, and points out she’s doing this as a favor. Schwimmer asks her if she even bothers to compost her own feces, which I have to imagine would be some sort of lease violation. He further goes off on her before wondering what’s in her styrofoam cup, “the Earth’s blood?”, then spilling coffee on Liz when he tries to take it. Liz: “You jag! I just got this…like eight years ago!”

Liz goes home to change and walks right in on Pete and Paula in her bed. She tries to make a quick exit with a clean sweater, but it’s tying Pete to the bedpost. Her eyes go wide. “Why is there a pop tart in the bed?! What do you do with the pop tart?!!”

Frank tells Tracy the full set of rumors about Kenneth’s party: TI will perform, Fall Out Boy, foxy boxing. Tracy loves foxy boxing. Tracy: “It combines my two favorite things: Boxing and referees!” He’s gotta get an invite. Liz reminds him that this is his own rumor. People are going to show up, find none of these things, and leave angry and disappointed. Tracy: “Just like Colonial Williamsburg.” Liz urges him to get the party cancelled.

Cerie and her four ridiculously hot cousins thank Kenneth for the invites. Oh my god, no one will ever care that TI isn’t showing up. Hot cousin #1 says in Dutch that she’s horny just to be in New York. Jack comes by to say he was joking before and orders Kenneth to give him an invite.

Jack and Liz watch Greenzo’s next Today Show appearance. She thinks Jack should shut him down, as Schwimmer is a total nutbar, but Jack doesn’t want to mess with success. Greenzo quickly goes way off-message, attacking big business. He claims that they could fix global warming with just a 2% tax on the super rich. Jack pronounces they’ve lost control of Greenzo. He knew they should’ve gone with Angie Harmon, and I’m forced to agree with him on this one.

Pete apologizes for what Liz saw earlier, but he isn’t moving out any time soon. He and Paula got married sophomore year; this is their first real chance to just be a couple. Pete overshares more, but Liz still agrees to let him stay as her roommate. He thanks her, then asks if she can come home early. Paula wants to get caught again.

Greenzo walks into Jack’s office. Jack thinks they’re losing the message, but Schwimmer says they’re way past that. He’s changing the world. “When I die, they’ll want to put my face on money. If there were money in the future, instead of just hugs.” Jack fires him.

Elevator, party o’clock. New rumors have sprung up The Harlem Globetrotters are going to be there. The girl from Heroes is gonna take a shower. Liz wants to know what Tracy’s going to do when the party sucks. He answers that it’s not gonna suck, it’s become a Tracy Jordan joint. The elevator cheers its approval.

The next morning, in a very gray and dark Jack’s office. Everyone’s hung over; Jack appears to be praying for the sweet embrace of death. He’s called this meeting to discuss what went on at Kenneth’s party. [Scenes of mayhem. Liz: “Kiss me, Grizz, kiss me!” She slaps him.] “We all went in with expectations, then the evening took a nasty left turn.” [Mayhem!] They have to face up to what happened. Kenneth chastizes the troops for their transgressions. Lutz ate all his parakeet’s medication, now Sonny Crockett has been having seizures all morning. Pete still needs to retrieve his wife. The Harlem Globetrotter has dishonored the organization. Liz made Grizz and Dotcom cry, and Grizz is still teary-eyed. [MAYHEM!!! Liz boots on a werewolf.] Kenneth will never hold another party.

Jack has lured Al Gore in as a replacement for Greenzo on the Today Show. The Nobel laureate is excited to see the trash-powered car he was told about. He tells Liz that they met when Jack was an intern for Ted Kennedy, at which point Jack jumps in before Gore can further expose his past as a liberal. Oh, c’mon. When you’re talking about Ted Kennedy, it’s all just water under the bridge.

Jack tries convincing the vice president to jump into the Greenzo uniform and deliver his message; they have a set all prepared. Gore declines, and then hangs a lantern on the corporate interference that resulted in this episode. A drunk, filthy Schwimmer in the Greenzo costume stumbles out of the wings, trying to reclaim his role, only to be chased around the stage by Jack. Meanwhile, Liz apologizes to Al Gore, but he waves her off. “Be quiet. A hwhale is in trouble! I have to go.” Exeunt, veep. Jack and Greenzo struggle for control of the smiling Earth suspended over the stage. The wire snaps and it drops to the stage, only to catch on fire. Liz tags the episode: “This is Earth is ruined! We gotta get a new one!”

Solid episode, but Schwimmer bugs the crap out of me. I know that’s what the character was supposed to do, but I felt like Schwimmer was trying to let me know that he was slumming here, playing this unlikeable character but everyone secretly loves him. So the A plot didn’t really do it for me, but I liked the B and C stories better. I almost want to go frame-by-frame on Kenneth’s party to see what’s going on in the background. Greenzo out.