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Ask Tuffy – iMazing! Sunday, September 23, 2007

Posted by Tuffy in ask tuffy, tuffy.
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Silly snake

Ask Tuffy has an exciting announcement to make. Through my covert network of readers (hi Mom!), I have discovered an amazing product that will soon hit the market. Now you, gentle reader, will find out about this astonishing new development in an Ask Tuffy exclusive here only on DeadOn for Dick Clark Productions.

Yes, you’ve heard it from some smart aleck at a party or a family get-together at some point. “It’s the 21st Century,” they exclaim, “so where’s my hover car? Where’s my jet pack? I was promised a jet pack!”

As you humor the poor bastard while slowly backing away before he asks you to talk to the sock puppet he just cobbled together, do you ever stop to consider the truth behind the rank attempt at comedy? Why don’t you have a jet pack yet? Okay, maybe not a hover car; having to park your car on the third story without the benefit of a parking garage is only cool until you fall from the car while rushing out of work one day. Besides, you know some jackal in Finance will have to get the X-TENDER FALCON 5000 Hovercraft and block the fire exit with his new shiny metal tribute to his failing marriage…

…yet I digress. I digress because I don’t have the single-minded focus on completing tasks necessary. I don’t have the crack design team at my fingertips to make the product beautiful. I don’t have the billions in cash to underwrite such a task. I don’t have the slick salesmanship that allows anyone that steps into my field completely unable to resist my capitalistic charms.

But who? Who could rise from the sticky morass of “it’s hard and stuff and we can just make our product trans fat free and get the same effect even though we sell snow tires” and create the glorious 21st century delivered by the Space Age dreamers?

I present to you the next sonic “boom” to slip from the lips of The Anointed One, Steve Jobs: the iJetPack.

Using the combined forces of Jaguar, Volkswagen, Airbus, NATO, the G-7, and Mary Poppins Ltd., Steve Jobs will create the iJetPack from Apple. It will revolutionalize personal transportation, just like the Segway did.

With places to put your iPod, iPhone, and Newton, you will always have access to information and multimedia content (available for a small fee). Of course, you may have to float over a Starbucks to access the necessary WiFi, but that’s totally free as long as you’re shopping through the Starbucks WiFi Music Store brought to you by iTunes and Apple and the Desiccated Careers of Former Musicians.

Also, the iJetPack will be a marvel for the senses. It will come in many beautiful metallic colors and can be engraved with your medical information in case of mid-air collision. All of the controls will be utterly intuitive, allowing you to skip the difficult task of learning to drive a jet pack.

If anything goes wrong, after all, you’ll be able to nosedive into an Apple Store, where an iJetPack Genius will wait with a net and the necessary tools to get you back on your way. (“Yes, ma’am, you do have to recharge it occasionally. No, I agree; science is totally unfair like that. Would you like $100 in store credit?”)

Look for the iJetPack to be released to Apple Stores across the United States this fall, shipping in 4-6 weeks/months/years.

(Note: ability to fly will be added in a software upgrade in 2110.)

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