The Centaur and the Sneak has the kids go off to their first Divination lesson with Firenze.  Dumbledore has bewitched a classroom to look like the forest and he welcomes everyone inside.  The students can’t believe there are more Centaurs in the forest and Dean Thomas asks if Hagrid bred them, like the Thestrals.  Firenze reminds them that Centaurs are not the servants or playthings of humans.  He then instructs them to lie on their backs and observe the heavens, saying that Trelawney taught them about Astrology is balderdash.  He points out that the stars have predicted two periods of great war with a short period of calm in between.

After class, he advises Harry to tell Hagrid to abandon his attempt, it is not working.  After Care of Magical Creatures, Harry passes on the message but Hagrid shrugs him off, saying there are more important things than keeping a job.  The DA meetings continue, with Harry teaching them Patronuses.  Cho’s is a swam and Hermione’s is an otter, but obody else seems to be able to do it.  Suddenly, Dobby comes running in and gasps at Harry that he’s been forbidden to tell, but she–then he starts punishing himself.  Harry realizes he’s talking about Umbridge and yells at everyone to run!  He then grabs Dobby, and gives him an order to go to the kitchen and if he is asked if he warned the DA, lie about it.  He also forbids Dobby to hurt himself.

Everybody gets away, except Harry.  Malfoy traps him with a trip jinx and Umbridge is just delighted.  She hauls him off to Dumbledore’s office.  Inside are Dumbledore and McGonagall, plus Fudge, Kingsley Shacklebolt, a wizard Harry doesn’t know and Percy Weasley.  Fudge asks Harry if he knows why he’s here and Harry is about to say he does, but spies Dumbledore give him an imperceptible shake of his head, so Harry denies knowing anything.  Umbridge fetches their informant, which turns out to be Cho’s Yucky Friend (Marietta) with her hands covering her face.  She moves her hands and reveals that hundreds of purple pustules have broken out across her face, spelling “Sneak.”  Heh.

Umbridge tells her that Marietta told her of a secret room where she could find a meeting tonight, but then the “Sneak” appeared on her face and that was all she said.  Umbridge admits she has not found a way to remove the jinx yet (Harry feels a surge of pride in Hermione’s jinxing ability).  Umbridge says back before the holidays, she sent Fudge a report of Harry’s meeting in the Hog’s Head (she was tipped by Willy Widdershins, who was sitting at the end of the bar).  She says that Harry’s purpose was to get students to join an illegal society and Dumbledore interrupts to point out that at that time, it wasn’t illegal.  Her decree about student organizations didn’t come out until 2 days later.

Fudge says that it’s been meeting since then and Dumbledore asks for the evidence.  They only have evidence that there was a meeting tonight, not six months’ worth of meetings.  As Dumbledore speaks, Harry hears a rustle and Kingsley mutter something, then he feels something brush against his side.  Umbridge turns to Cho’s Yucky Friend to ask her about all the meetings, but she shakes her head, denying that there have been meetings going on continuously all year.  Umbridge is enraged and begins shaking CYF.  Dumbledore brandishes his wand, saying he cannot allow her to manhandle his students.

She composes herself and then says she does have all the names of the students, because Hermione’s list got left behind.  Fudge sees the name, Dumbledore’s Army, and Dumbledore grabs the piece of paper, seeming unable to speak (awwww!).  Dumbledore says the jig is up:  it says Dumbledore’s Army, not Potter’s Army.  Fudge goes berserk, so excited to have finally gotten something on Dumbledore.  Harry protests and Dumbledore tells him to be quiet.   Fudge says they are going to arrest Dumbledore, until Dumbledore says, “Well — it’s just that you seem to be laboring under the delusion that I am going to — what is the phrase?  ‘Come quietly.’  I am afraid I am not going to come quietly at all, Cornelius.  I have absolutely no intention of being sent to Azkaban.  I could break out, of course — but what a waste of time, and frankly, I can think of a whole host of other things I would rather be doing.”  HA HA!  Go Dumbledore!

Fudge sneers that Dumbledore will not be able to take on 4 wizards single-handedly and McGonagall yells, “He will not be single-handed!” as she plunges her hand into her robes for her wand.  (I.  LOVE.  IT.)  and Dumbledore tells her to back off, Hogwarts needs her.  There is a scuffle and Dumbledore stuns everyone, as McGonagall pushes Harry and Cho’s Yucky Friend to the ground so that they don’t get hit.  Dumbledore says he had to hex Kingsley too or it would’ve looked suspicious.  He tells Minerva to thank Kingsley for modifying CYF’s memory so quickly.  Dumbledore says he must go and they must all act like no time has passed.  He tells Harry to study Occlumency as hard as he can.  He touches Harry’s hand and Harry feels another surge of hatred, an urge to attack Dumbledore.  Then Dumbledore and Fawkes disappear.  The wizards revive themselves and go chasing down the stairs, hoping to catch him.  On the way out, Harry hears Phineas Nigellus’s voice say, “You know, Minister, I disagree with Dumbledore on many counts….but you cannot deny he’s got style….”

Snape’s Worst Memory sees Umbridge declare herself the new Headmistress of Hogwarts.  Ernie tells the Trio how Dumbledore’s office sealed itself up and she threw a right little tantrum at not being able to get inside.  It also appears she has started an Inquisitorial Squad, of which Malfoy and his cohorts are members.  They are allowed to dock points and do so from the Trio at first chance.  The twins come up to the Trio and announce that they are ready to do some real damage around the place.  They’ve always managed to skirt the line, but no more.  They tell the Trio to run along, so they don’t get in trouble when it happens.

Filch comes to get Harry, saying Umbridge wants to see him.  She has his broom, plus the twins’ brooms, chained up in her office.  She offers Harry a drink, insisting he take something and clearly dumps something in it other than milk when her back is turned.  She then begins to question him about Dumbledore and Sirius’s whereabouts.  He pretends to drink the tea, then says he doesn’t have any idea.  They are interrupted by loud booms, and Harry rushes out with Umbridge to see the twins’ mayhem.  They’ve set off a box of fireworks in a hallway.  Umbridge and Filch are at a loss, with the fireworks spreading all over the school.  Other teachers continually call for Umbridge’s help in getting rid of them.  Flitwick remarks he could’ve done it himself, but he wasn’t sure if he had the authority.

That night, Harry dreams again of the hallway.  This time, he gets through the door, the next room, and finally into a room filled with rows and rows of towering shelves, he runs towards the right row, but is woken up by a stray firework “booming” outside his window.  He is disappointed, but then remembers he has Occlumency the next night.

The next day, he runs into Cho, who tries to defend her Yucky Friend.  Harry isn’t buying and neither am I.  She sold you out, STUPID!  She’s a SNITCH!  SNITCHES GET STITCHES!  Cho gets all upset about Hermione’s jinx, which Harry (and I) thinks was brilliant.  She storms off and Harry goes off to Occlumency, all riled up now.   They are interrupted, however, by Malfoy getting Snape to help Umbridge get Montague out of a toilet on the 4th floor (the twins had shoved him into a Vanishing Cabinet awhile back).

After he’s gone, Harry spies Snape’s pensieve, which Snape uses to store memories that he doesn’t want Harry seeing when they practice Occlumency.  Harry’s curiosity gets the better of him and he plunges inside.  Suddenly, he is in the Great Hall while the 5th years take their OWLs.  He spies his father, Sirius, Lupin, Pettigrew and Snape.  After the test is over, he follows the boys out onto the grounds, where the 4 Marauders go to lounge under a tree.  Luckily, Snape stays nearby so that Harry can eavesdrop on his father and his friends.  He notices that his father keeps messing up his hair and is showing off with a snitch for Pettigrew.  Only when Sirius tells him to knock it off does he put the snitch away.  Sirius says he’s bored and James spies Snivellus (Snape).

They begin taunting Snape, until a pretty red head comes up to tell them to leave Snape alone.  It’s Lily Evans, Harry’s mom.  She asks what Snape has done to James and James says it’s more the fact that he exists (ugh).  James says if Evans will go out with him, he’ll never lay a hand on Snape again.  She says she wouldn’t go out with him if it was a choice between him and the giant squid (I’m seriously kind of imagining Lily as Lea Thompson and James as Biff.  “Biff Tannen, I wouldn’t marry you if you had a million dollars.”)

Anyway, the boys hang Snape upside down, where his robes fall to reveal graying underpants  (that is seriously so horrible.  Who does that to someone?).  Lily gets out her wand, which James and Sirius eye warily.  Heh.  They put him down and Snape says he doesn’t need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her.  She blinks and says, coolly, “I won’t bother in the future.  And I’d wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus.”

James demands he apologize to her, but Lily says James is as bad as Snape.  Messing up his hair to look windswept, showing off with the snitch, hexing people who annoy him.  She’s surprised his broomstick can get off the ground with his fat head on it.  She storms off.  James turns back to Snape, when suddenly real Snape appears next to Harry and drags him out of the pensieve.

Snape throws Harry against the floor, yelling not to tell anyone what he saw and to get out of his office and not come back.  Harry feels so horrified, because he knows exactly how Snape felt and that it turns out his father was every bit the jackass Snape made him out to be.

Career Advice has Harry telling Hermione and Ron that he’s done with Occlumency.  Snape figures he’s mastered the basics and can continue on alone.  He mostly just wants to be alone with his thoughts, trying to figure out a way that maybe Snape deserved what his father did, but not coming up with anything.  He is glad his mother was a decent person, but is equally disturbed that it appeared that she loathed James.  He wonders if James forced her into marrying him (just like Biff, y’all!  He had George McFly killed and forced Lorraine to marry him!  Snape is so George McFly.)

Sorry.  Anyway, Harry is alone in the library when Ginny “looking very windswept,”  (woo woo!  Harry lurves Ginny!) sits with him and gives him his Easter egg from her mom.  He laments that he really wants to talk to Sirius and Ginny gets thoughtful, saying they can probably arrange that.  They are interrupted, however, by Madam Pince, screaming about them eating chocolate in the library.  Hee.

The next day, Harry sees that his meeting with McGonagall about Career Advice is Monday afternoon.  The Trio start going over various job leaflets when the twins come over saying that they heard from Ginny that Harry wants to talk to Sirius.  Hermione yelps, saying do not be ridiculous, but the twins say the perfect diversion is coming right up.  They say that they’ve been quiet during the Easter holidays because they didn’t want to interfere with anyone’s studying.  Fred gives a little nod to Hermione, who looks shocked at their thoughtfulness.  Awesome.

Anyway, after the holidays they are going to set off a great diversion and Harry will be able to use Umbridge’s office to contact Sirius, as she has the only fire that is not patrolled by the Ministry.  Hermione whispers, “Are — you– insane?”  Heh.  Harry says he thinks he could do it and the twins tell him five o’clock tomorrow.

All day, Harry has Sirius’s special knife and his Invisibility Cloak with him in preparation, while Hermione lets loose with a non-stop barrage of “why you should not do this.”  He shows up for his 2:30 pm Career Advice appointment with McGonagall and sees Umbridge is there too.  Thus begins one of my favorite scenes in the book.

Harry says he wants to be an Auror and McGonagall tells him he has the stuff in most subjects, but that he’ll have to do better in Potions because Snape won’t accept any one into the NEWT level with less than an Outstanding on his or her OWL.  Umbridge keeps coughing to try to interrupt and McGonagall keeps offering her a cough drop.  Hee hee!  Finally, Umbridge points out that his grade in DADA is going to be terrible and McGonagall says, “He has achieved high marks in all Defense Against the Dark Arts tests set by a competent teacher.”  WOO HOO, THE GLOVES COME OFF!

They keep arguing until Umbridge declares Harry has no chance of becoming an Auror and McGonagall thunders, “Potter, I will assist you to become an Auror if it is the last thing I do!  If I have to coach you nightly I will make sure you achieve the required results!”  AWESOME.   Finally, McGonagall gets to call Umbridge “raving” and dismisses Harry.  SO.  GREAT.

Later, Harry hears the diversion starting and decides he needs to talk to Sirius about his parents and what he saw.  He gets Sirius and Lupin’s attention at Grimmauld Place, where they freak out at first, but he explains about Snape’s memory and what he saw.  They basically explain it away that James was 15 and kind of an ass, they all were.  Sirius admits, “Well, not Moony so much.”  Harry continues on, saying that Lily hated James and they say that by his 7th year his head has deflated a bit and she came around.

Harry says he believes them that James was a good person, but he felt so sorry for Snape.  (Honestly, I don’t think Lupin and Sirius’s explanation is good enough.  That was a horrible thing they did to Snape.)  They ask how Snape reacted and Harry said he kicked him out and that he won’t teach him Occlumency any more.  The men both freak, with Sirius saying he’ll come down to Hogwarts to give Snape a piece of his mind.  Lupin stops him, saying he’ll be the one to go.  They tell Harry that nothing is more important than learning Occlumency.

Harry heads off, where he sees that the twins have been rounded up by Umbridge and are in the entryway, much like Trelawney.  Umbridge says that they’re about to find out what happens to wrong-doers in her school and they say they don’t think they are.  They shout “accio brooms” and their brooms come streaking into the hallway, dragging a ball & chain behind them.  They mount their brooms, declaring that if anyone fancies a Portable Swamp (their diversion), their new premises are #93 Diagon Alley.  Special discounts given to Hogwarts students who say they’ll use the products to get rid of Umbridge.  They kick off into the air and Fred says, “Give her hell from us, Peeves.”  And Andrea cries #21 at, “And Peeves, whom Harry had never seen take an order from a student before, swept his belled hat from his head and sprang to a salute as Fred and George wheeled about to tumultuous applause from the students below and sped out of the open front doors into a glorious sunset.”  YAY!