Hot Fuzz

Starring: Edgar Wright (dir.), Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, half of Britain

Pitch: Sgt. Friday of the Dead

Synopsis: A great London cop ends up in a sleepy town and discovers far more than he bargained for in this send-up of action films, cop films, and film films.

Target Market: People under 40 with strong diaphragms to support long bouts of laughter.

Why You Should See This Movie: This movie opened strongly in Britain, has been widely hailed by critics, and is chock full of great cameos. Also, there’s car chases and a lot of shit blows up. Seriously, what the hell are you doing still sitting here?

Fracture

Starring: Anthony Hopkins, Ryan Gosling

Pitch: We’ve jammed The Silence of the Lambs into the photocopier, cranked up all the color contrasts, and asked for 4000 copies. It’s gold, Jerry!

Synopsis: Silence of the Lambs. Silence of the Lambs. Lamby Lamb Lamb. Didn’t you see the commercials where they show all the scenes where Hopkins is lit just like he was in Silence of the Lambs and Gosling is the young naive something-or-another, just like Jodie Foster and that other guy? Hell, they’re probably just re-releasing Silence of the Lambs with new credits.

Target Market: People that don’t pay close (Silence of the Lambs) attention.

Why You Should See This Movie: You laughed. You cried. It was better than Silence of the Lambs. You will see it again and again.

Vacancy

Starring: Kate Beckinsale, Luke Wilson

Pitch: Saw meets Perfect Blue. Except, you know, mostly just Saw.

Synopsis: Our heroes are trapped in a motel when their car breaks down (groan); they slowly realize that’s not as cool as it sounds. Which wasn’t that cool in the first place.

Target Market: Teenagers that find Silence of the Lamb ripoffs too subtle.

Why You Should See This Movie: I don’t know why you would when Silence of the Lambs Fracture is opening the same weekend. Did you know Fracture has a wonderful plan for your life?