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The Liveblog With the Most: Beetlejuice Sunday, April 1, 2007

Posted by ladyandrea in athleticsupporter, CDNMoose, Great Movies You Might Have Missed, Lady Andrea, movies, suss, TexasGal.
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We arrive in our chatroom, ready to tackle the Tim Burton classic “Beetlejuice.” Only 4 of us actually have the movie, though:

Suss: you folks best entertain me — nothing’s on tonight
CDNMoose: no problem, Suss. Now where did I put those tap shoes?
Lady Andrea: Suss, no Beetlejuice? Just here for the banter?
Suss: I lack the juicy beetles

We take forever trying to sync up our DVDs, but eventually it gets rolling. Cue the spooky music over the opening credits.

Lady Andrea: this is some of my favorite movie music ever, btw
CDNMoose: Someone hold me. I’m scared already
Texas Gal: I’m oddly excited, mostly because Principal Ed is in this. “Nine times? Nine times?”
Lady Andrea: I always forget Alec Baldwin is in this because he’s so young and cute in this movie and so old and ugly now

We’ve got Alec Baldwin, Geena Davis, Michael Keaton, Winona Ryder, and then….

Steve: oh yes, Robert Goulet. He’s on the ceiling

Alec and Geena (okay fine, Adam and Barbara) work on Adam’s model (not a euphemism):

Texas Gal: Baby Alec is so skinny and innocent
Lady Andrea: That’s what I’m sayin! Then? Young and cute. Now? Old and fat.
Texas Gal: this is pre-Schwetty Balls
CDNMoose: Steve/Suss: would you “go gay” for the young Alec Baldwin?
Steve: that doesn’t even deserve a response cdn..
Suss: to steal a line from an unnamed comedian, I’d never go gay but for a million bucks I could be confused for a night
Texas Gal: But I see Geena Davis is as bucktastic as always
Lady Andrea: I like Geena Davis. I’d go gay for Dottie Henson
Steve: Young geena davis.. yum. Older.. not so much
Lady Andrea: thanks Steve, me too

Adam and Barbara head into town to buy something at the hardware store. They drive over a covered bridge and then they slow down to let a little dog cross the street:

CDNMoose: *IRONIC FORESHADOWING*
Lady Andrea: the dog that is on stage in the first act…..

On the way back, they swerve to avoid hitting the dog and plunge off the bridge into the river. When they get home:

Lady Andrea: I always thought this sequence was so creepy. As they realize they’re dead?
CDNMoose: the house is considerably less cute against a BLOOD RED SKY

Adam takes a walk off the porch and is gone for 2 hours. There is a giant sandworm:

CDNMoose: that was Alec screentesting for “Tremors”
Lady Andrea: we should liveblog TREMORS! I LOVE THAT MOVIE
CDNMoose: ME, TOO!

We get our first glimpse of Beetlejuice, reading the obituaries and he spies Adam and Barbara:

Texas Gal: so at what point do I confess I found Michael Keaton very, very sexy but only in Batman
Lady Andrea: that’s not a confession. He’s hot in Batman
Texas Gal: still- it’s weird to see him in this, and think….yummy Bruce Wayne. He was way hotter than any other Batman… even Bale
Lady Andrea: oh no, not Bale. Christian Bale is way hotter than Michael Keaton
CDNMoose: *duh* er, I mean…”whatever”
Lady Andrea: haha

The new houseowners, the Dietzes, arrive. Jeffrey Jones is Charles and Catherine O’Hara is Delia, a married couple, Winona is Lydia:

Lady Andrea: does anybody see him and also think “Stay Tuned”
CDNMoose: haha, now *that* was a guilty pleasure
Lady Andrea: definitely
CDNMoose: RIP Mr. Ritter

We meet Otho and he and Delia (O’Hara) traipse around the house, spray painting on the walls the changes they are going to make.

Lady Andrea: Otho is scarier than Beetlejuice
CDNMoose: Hey, it’s Benji’s brother!
Lady Andrea: ew, don’t lick him!
CDNMoose: it’s okay– he’s Othopedic
CDNMoose: wait– what?

Delia yells at Charles that she must express herself. Her voice grows increasingly shrill as she says, “If you don’t let me gut out this house and make it my own, I WILL GO INSANE AND I WILL TAKE YOU WITH ME!”

Texas Gal: Catherine O’Hara rocks

Barbara decides she can’t stay in this house anymore and makes a run for it.

Texas Gal: she runs down the stairs funny
Lady Andrea: tall girls do that. That’s how I run down the stairs
Texas Gal: ahhhh- it makes sense – I’m the opposite of tall
Lady Andrea: except I turn to my right, instead of to my left like Geena
Texas Gal: have to have a good center of gravity I suppose

The Dietzes eat dinner together:

Texas Gal: so, is this during Wi’s Johnny Depp period?
CDNMoose: 1988?
Lady Andrea: I don’t know, ‘88 might be pre-Depp
CDNMoose: they apparently dated in “the early ’90s”
Lady Andrea: yeah, that’s what I thought

Beetlejuice appears in a commercial for the Dietzes. “I’ll eat anything you want me to eat. I’ll saw anything you want me to saw. Come on down and I’ll… chew on the dog! Arroooo!”:

Texas Gal: there’s Mr. Sexy!
CDNMoose: the cow?
Lady Andrea: Chew on a dog? Beetlejuice is Korean?
CDNMoose: I could go for a dog right now
Steve: that’s definitely a euphemism for something

Adam and Barbara get out their handbook and draw a door:

Lady Andrea: Pan’s Labyrinth had a nice shout-out to this. Have you guys seen it?
Steve: nope
CDNMoose: AWESOME movie
Texas Gal: I want to – but not yet
Lady Andrea: it’s very good, but be warned, it’s graphic.
CDNMoose: I can, uh, “share” it

Charles Dietz is busy looking out the window with some binoculars:

Texas Gal: of COURSE he bird watches
CDNMoose: I thought there was an elementary school next door
Steve: wasn’t this the dude that got busted for diddling some kids?
CDNMoose: thanks for reinforcing my joke, Steve-O. hehehe

Meanwhile, Adam and Barbara get to the waiting room in the afterlife:

Lady Andrea: I really enjoy Burton’s version of the after life. I want to be the receptionist
Texas Gal: that half chick has great legs, and yes, the receptionist is very hot.
Steve: which brings us to the debate about… if you were stranded on a desert island, would you rather have a mermaid that was upper half fish, lower half woman, or lower half fish, upper half woman.
Lady Andrea: lower fish, upper woman. I need a cute face and then she can still…..you know, dine out
CDNMoose: Clearly, lower fish, upper woman.
Texas Gal: ummm- can’t I have upper Brett Favre, lower Sex Cannon?
Steve: well if you take upper half woman, you have to deal with the nagging

They walk through an “office” area, where the mail deliverers are swinging from the ceiling:

Texas Gal: love the guy swinging around on the noose
Lady Andrea: I know, so creepy. I love their case worker, Juno
Texas Gal: that room looks like the Haunted Mansion at Disney World, when they make it look like a ghost is sitting in the car with you
Lady Andrea: oooh, kinda. Curiouser and curiouser
CDNMoose: DAMMIT, ANDIE! I was just typing, that

They meet Juno, a small older woman who is smoking and the smoke is exhaling through the slit in her throat:  

Lady Andrea: ironically, that actress died of throat cancer
Texas Gal: she looks like a combo of Titanic lady and Something About Mary lady
Steve: and Nancy Regan
Texas Gal: it’s the pearls
CDNMoose: and the vagina near her shoulders
Texas Gal: what the frig is she wearing on her hand? it looks like a geode
Lady Andrea: it’s a stone she passed
CDNMoose: I like to keep my passed stones as jewelry, too
Texas Gal: I prefer mine on a pendant
CDNMoose: kidney are good for daily wear, but if I’m getting dressed up, that’s gallstones’ time to shine
Steve: Mine go in a moraca and are a wonderful rhythm instrument.

Juno advises Adam and Barbara to try to frighten their house guests away.  So they put on sheets and make funny noises:

CDNMoose: “Think of them as ‘Death Shrouds’…” that always makes me laugh
Lady Andrea: I think we just heard Geena’s O-noises
Texas Gal: they do float very well
Lady Andrea: “they float……down here, they all FLOOOOOAT”
Texas Gal: AHHHHHHHHHH
Lady Andrea: now that’d be a great live blog
Texas Gal: that is NOT FUNNY
Lady Andrea: Hiya Georgie!
Texas Gal: scary clowns!!!!!!!
Lady Andrea: yeah, that movie terrifies me
Texas Gal: we should totally do horror liveblog – except with Sleepaway Camp or April Fool’s Day or something equally awful
Steve: puppet master…
Lady Andrea: I love April Fool’s Day and all the Friday the 13ths. We should try to organize those for a lead-up to the next actual Friday the 13th
CDNMoose: we should do all Ft13s back-to-back-to-back-to-back…we all have 24 hours to kill, eh?
Lady Andrea: there are only 10, right? 20 hours, no sweat
CDNMoose: and the next Friday the 13th is…April, 2007 :P
Lady Andrea: is it really? LOL

Since the sheets didn’t work, Adam and Barbara try something new. Adam and Barbara decide to try Beetlejuice and get transported into Adam’s model of the town:

Lady Andrea: I was in a model once
Steve: dammit.. you took my joke!
Lady Andrea: heh heh
Steve: except for me….not true *tear*

Beetlejuice appears and starts to get all freaky:

Lady Andrea: he is like a walking STD in this movie
Texas Gal: (Rex Grossman)
Steve: Paris?
Texas Gal: I think he’s wearing a class ring on his index finger
Lady Andrea: well, he did attend Juliard
Texas Gal: he needs some lessons in customer service. He’s a little brusque and sexually harrassing
Lady Andrea: nah, we were JUST like that when I worked at Blockbuster
Texas Gal: I had a boss just like that
CDNMoose: dead?
Texas Gal: dead, too, sure

When Adam and Barbara decide Beetlejuice is too freaky to work with, they get out of there and Beetlejuice grabs himself and goes, “Nice fuckin’ model” as he kicks over a tree.

Texas Gal: I want all my men to honk their genitals like that
Lady Andrea: I honk my boobs. The right one goes, “beep,” the left one goes, “ahOOOOga”

And now, the Best Scene in the Movie.  You know the one I’m talking about: 

CDNMoose: Ladies and gentlemen, Dick Cavett
Lady Andrea: this scene rocks so much. I want to bring the “one glove” look back
Steve: the Seattle Supersonics had the one glove thing going, but they just couldn’t make it work
Lady Andrea: Reggie Evans could…for his prostate checks mid-game
CDNMoose: You are Dick Cavett. You are (at the very least in your own mind) one of the effete of New York intellectual society. You get the script that calls for your scene to play a Belefonte-posessed dinner guest. Do you really say “yes”?
Lady Andrea: hell yes. It’s important to do “fun” movies
Steve: if the treatment includes the word “Belafonte”… I say hells yes

The Dietzes and guests have so much fun, they want the ghosts to do more tricks so the Dietzes really enlist Beetlejuice this time and Otho steals the ghosts Handbook:

Lady Andrea: You’d think Otho would’ve already had one, from when he left Hell
Texas Gal: I was just thinking he reminded me of Satan

Somehow, we start discussing Batman again:

Texas Gal: OK, Christian Bale is officially the hottest Batman now. Keaton, you’re dead to me
Steve: what? Adam West doesn’t get consideration?
Texas Gal: dude, I own that original batman movie on DVD
Lady Andrea: I love the Batman movie…….”Some days you just can’t get rid of a bomb”
Texas Gal: plus, it had Catwoman, Riddler, Joker and Penguin
Lady Andrea: I always had a thing for the Riddler. Frank Goshen. Yep, I did
Texas Gal: me too! I was just about to say original Riddler kicked all kinds of butt

Adam and Barbara head back to their case worker for help, where they make scary faces:

Texas Gal: that head looks like Spy vs. Spy
Lady Andrea: YES! I was just typing that!
Steve: I was thinking the same thing
Texas Gal: So- is Alec the Black one or the White one?

The Dietzes have some more dinner guests over and Otho is going to force the ghosts to entertain them:

Texas Gal: Lady in the pink looks like her name might be “Bunny”
Lady Andrea: or Mimsy
Steve: wtf.. my dvd just froze. Keep going.. I’ll catch up
CDNMoose: hurry up, you only have 18 more minutes!
Lady Andrea: I know, it’s a short one
CDNMoose: that’s what she said…a lot
CDNMoose: *sobs*

Adam and Barbara’s wedding clothes are laid out and Otho is going to make them appear. As they do, they start aging rapidly.

Lady Andrea: creepsville, the music!
CDNMoose: anybody want to hold hands?
Lady Andrea: YES!
CDNMoose: not that *i’m* scared…
Lady Andrea: I hate it when her feet curl up, it’s gross
CDNMoose: i agree, creepsville, indeed

Lydia runs off to enlist Beetlejuice’s help to save Adam and Barbara from Otho’s evil scheme. Lydia makes a Faustian deal with Beetlejuice and agrees to marry him if he’ll help Adam and Barbara:

Texas Gal: I’m glad he at least put on his fancy striped suit
Lady Andrea: well, weddings are special!

Beetlejuice puts Lydia in a red dress and Otho gets trapped in a powder blue leisure suit:

CDNMoose: if white == virgin, what does red mean?
Lady Andrea: the Syph
Steve: in college, we had a powder blue sport coat that me and the 5 roommates shared for special occasions.
Texas Gal: you got all the ladies, huh?
CDNMoose: but only 1/5 of the time
Lady Andrea: 20% isn’t bad
Steve: works every time, 20% of the time

A freaky little afterlife pastor comes out of the wall and conducts the ceremony. Adam and Barbara both start to come back to “life” and say “Beetlejuice” 3 times to trap him back in the model. Adam gets sent into the model and Barbara gets her lips zippered, then bolted shut:

Texas Gal: that zipper mouth was what freaked me out
Lady Andrea: yeah, that’s scary
CDNMoose: me, too. Geena couldn’t give me oral sex in my dreams for *weeks* after that
Lady Andrea: YEOWCH! Zipper oral sex
CDNMoose: exactly

Tiny Adam comes at Beetlejuice in his little model car:

Lady Andrea: this is like Babes in Toyland, when Tom marches on Barnaby with the toy soldiers. Except a giant snake comes
Steve: correction “giant grabvoid”
Texas Gal: that’s the old one, right? With Annette, I think?
Lady Andrea: oh, yes. I thought you meant Tremors. The Annette/Tommy Sands one is the only way to go
Steve: I love Alex P Keaton’s dad as the survivalist nutcase with Reba McEntire as his wife.

Beetlejuice gets eaten by a giant sandworm and everybody lives happily ever after together in the house. Adam and Barbara make Lydia float in the air and dance to “Shake, Shake Senora” when she gets an A on her test:

Lady Andrea: I love this song too. Jump in the Line!
CDNMoose: I give this song…High Marks

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Comments»

1. jukeboxhero - Sunday, April 1, 2007

I’m still bitter about not being able to take part…

2. Greek McPapadopoulos - Sunday, April 1, 2007

Tremors is da bomb!

3. Big Z's Porn Stash - Monday, April 2, 2007

Yo Affleck, you were da bomb in Phantoms!

4. Beetlejuice - Saturday, September 8, 2007

Cool. That’s a really great way to do reviews. I hope you do more cult horror movies like this.


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