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Watching Movies So You Don’t Have To – Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory Monday, March 26, 2007

Posted by athleticsupporter in athleticsupporter, bad hair, CDNMoose, Clare, Holly/Magnolia, jerkwheat, liveblog, maybe you should read a book instead, singing?, Sound advice for the young'ems, suss, Things too long to read, Yostal.
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willywonka.jpg
We here at DeadOn can appreciate and empathize with laziness. Sitting down to watch a whole 90-120 minute movie can be a draining and time consuming experience.

So, in an effort to work off some of our community service hours from that ugly incident a couple months ago involving a flock sheep and whipped cream, some of our contributors are, once again, gathered at a renovated strip club now operating as a movie theatre (with very sticky floors) in Cary, North Carolina.

We are capturing their observations through a liveblog while they watch and annoy the patrons around them by talking incessantly throughout the movie and by kicking the chairs of the old people sitting in front of them.

Today’s movie is Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory, as viewed by CDNMoose, Suss, Yostal, Clare, Holly, Jerkwheat and Steve. However, we have it on good word that a few of the participants didn’t actually watch the movie while they were commenting.

Warning: This article contains spoilers. But frankly, if you haven’t seen this movie that’s been out for 30 years, it’s your own fault.

The movie viewing party slowly starts to trickle in, CDNMoose starts out strong by making a masturbation joke right out of the box.

Steve : has entered the room
CDNMoose : has entered the room
CDNMoose : OMG! Stop touching yourself! that
CDNMoose : I really should have knocked
Suss : has entered the room
Suss : hey guys a/s/l ^_^
Yostal : has entered the room
Suss : I sure hope Clare gets here — as of right now we got a sausagefest commenting about a place that makes fudge.
Jerkwheat : has entered the room
CDNMoose : quick– everybody hide the beer
Jerkwheat : too much of a sausagefest for me

Fortunately for all involved, nobody answered Suss question with “14/f/Ft. Meyers Florida. I’m Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC”. We kick the seats of the old ladies in front of us and start talking loudly…

CDNMoose : Clare is supposed to be comin
Jerkwheat : with four dudes…there is no doubt that she will…
Jerkwheat : awww yeah
Jerkwheat : *high fives self*
Clare : has entered the room
Yostal : Clare!
CDNMoose : glad you’re here– Suss was checking out my ass. It’s like we’ve been in prison.
Jerkwheat : if not prison, at least Suss’s hotel room
Yostal : I find you all very disturbing…

Everybody settles in with their popcorn and sodas alcoholic beverages and the movie begins with the full credits being played over a montage of how cocoa beans get turned into chocolate.

Steve : brown-ness on screen
Suss : I would have not gone with explosive diarrhea to open the credits, but that’s just me
Yostal : You know, I realize that it’s a musical and all, but really, how many films anymore start with an overture of the songs in the movie?
Steve : I can only think of Shindlers List…
Suss : let alone overtures and instructions on how how chocolate wafers are made
CDNMoose : the shot of wafer penetrating the chocolate is so…sexually delicious
Yostal : Color by Technicolor (and LSD)
CDNMoose : My stomach is erect
Steve : it’s like the closing credits at the beginning….. black hole opening

As the film opens up, they pan across a very European-ish city, and the DeadOnners spout a little bit of useless knowledge. Normally this is not tolerated, but it’s the beginning of the movie, and they haven’t been properly lubricated with alcohol yet.

Yostal : Remember, this film was made by the Quaker Oats Company, I cannot stress this enough
Clare : So we have Howard Jeffrey to blame, huh?
Clare : for the musical numbers
Suss : I feel like Mike Rowe should be somewhere in this montage, cleaning a yeast tank
CDNMoose : Is “yeast tank” a euphemism for “vagina”?
Steve : this film was shot on location in Munich, Germany… keep that in mind
Yostal : It’s England in the 1960s and none of the children are mods. I am deeply disappointed by this.

Interior shot of the candy store with a dozen children, and one candystore owner who is dressed as if he is performing in a barbershop quartet. He eases into the familiar tune Candyman. “Who can take a sunrise…”

Steve : “sprinkle it with doo” ?!?!?
Yostal : dew!
CDNMoose : That’s what Sammy Davis, Jr. was into. “Dew” == “making it rain”
Suss : This movie was so ahead of its time, to include a tribute to Michael Olowokandi
Yostal : Hi, my name’s Yostal, and I’ll be your fun killer all night

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A long lost relative of Pacman Jones makes it rain candy upon the children.

Suss : so, does this guy *charge* for anything?
CDNMoose : only what happens in the back
Steve : just the sex Suss.

Yostal : I still miss the local parody of this song, “The Randy Man”, celebrating the ineptitude of former Tigers’ GM Randy Smith…
Jerkwheat : Randy Smith never happened Yostal
Jerkwheat : NEVER HAPPENED
Yostal : Who can trade for Brad Ausmus, then send him away, only to bring him back yet another day? The Randy Man can

As Charlie is walking home from the candy store, he passes by the dimly-lit, industrial-looking, chocolate factory. There is an old spooky man outside with a butcher cart who begins to tell him about the factory.

Steve : the factory = munich gas works
Yostal : I met my love, by the gas works wall…Dirty old town, dirty old town
Suss : “nobody ever goes in, and nobody ever comes out” — motto for Devil Rays fans

Charlie returns to the shack which his family lives in. It has a bunch of buckets for cleaning clothes, and decrepit old people stacked four to a bed. We also learn that Grandpa Joe has a tobacco habit, which seems like quite an expensive habit for a poor, bedridden old man.

Suss : you know, as a little’un I never questioned the concept of four old people in one bed
CDNMoose : Man, seeing all four grandparents sleeping in the same bed in a one room house….oh, it brings back the memories

Suss : RESPECT YOUR CABBAGE WATER OVERLORDS, CHARLIE
Clare : From now, I’m going to pay for your imminent oral cancer, Grandpa
Suss : so when he buys tobacco, does he wheel the bed down to the general store, with granny next to him?

Steve : Old people: put em down.
Clare : For reals.
Clare : Did I just say that??
CDNMoose : I agree– wait, I’m the old man here
CDNMoose : DOWN WITH YOUNG PEOPLE!
Clare : Where’s my pitchfork?! AFTER SCOTT!
CDNMoose : *puts his ballcap on backwards and pulls his pants down three inches to disguise himself from Clare*
Steve : CDN… only three inches?

Charlie tells Grandpa Joe about the story that the man at the gate relayed to him. “He said nobody ever goes in, nobody ever comes out”

Yostal : So basically Willy Wonka is like Kim Jong Il
Yostal : No one ever gets in or out
Steve : except he doesn’t look quite so much like Al Davis
Yostal : Touche

We now are with Charlie at school and are introduced to Charlie’s science teacher, Mr. Turpentine, who has a slight resemblance to Eric Idle. And we all show our true colors and reveal our nerdiness.

Yostal : Eric Idle on an off day?
Steve : .. the chemical formula on the blackboard is water. how hollywood.
Clare : NERD!
CDNMoose : “Now Charlie, you take the nitric acid and glycerine”
Suss : ready? sniff
Clare : C6 H12 O6, fantastic
CDNMoose : There was no liability insurance in schools in 1971
Yostal : The British, making sure we blow up a lot more of Germany, just to be safe
Steve : Clare… tonight it’s all about the C2 H6 O
Clare : That’s way too simple for to be the chemical composition of lysergic acid dithalimide
CDNMoose : C-H-H-H-H-H-H-O-C
CDNMoose : ?
Steve : C2 H6 O = ethanol
Clare : Aha
CDNMoose : Just being “witty”, Steve

Suss : you think the grandpas ever play Wifeswap at night?
Yostal : Little known fact, President Nixon used to throw Wonka bars at Kissinger during Cabinet meetings

We meet our first golden ticket recipient, Augustus Gloop, a ever-so-German fatbody that would make Gunnery Sgt. Hartman cringe.

Clare : Augustus Gloop!!!
Yostal : Duselheim, Germany, so let’s cover all of Northern Europe with the tag
Suss : I yearn for the days when everyone spoke English, but with funny accents
Steve : *cut to the scene of Augustus giving a PSA about childhood diabetes with Wilford Brimley*

Yostal : So, just out of curiosity, what’s the line on Germany jokes?
CDNMoose : 22.5, Yost
Steve : it’s the 0.5 that screws you
Yostal : Oh, no, I meant the line I couldn’t cross
CDNMoose : sorry, March Madness betting hangover

We now meet Veruca Salt, an ugly little girl with a foul personality. She is sitting in her father’s office in his factory while his hundreds of workers unwrap thousands of Wonka bars.

Suss : Charlie Bucket and the Shawl Factory
Clare : Charlie Bucket and the Wacky Pashmina
Yostal : This is what these iPod factories in China look like
Steve : in the 60’s it was poor people and chocolate, in 2007, it’s lottery tickets.
Suss : don’t throw that wrapper away. you can still enter in the ten digit code online and win free cabbage water for life!
Clare : OMG, did Veruca just use the word “twat”?!
Suss : holy shit clare
Steve : those codes piss me off… what part of “instant winner” don’t they get?!

For those keeping score at home, she really did use the word “twat” to describe female factory workers. The referee looked at the replay from 10 different angles.

We are now show a machine labeled the “Siemens System 4004″, which some scientist is attempting to use to determine the location of a golden ticket.

CDNMoose : computer nerds
CDNMoose : “And the secret ingredient is…LOVE?”
Yostal : The answer is Love? Oh you stupid computer!
Suss : Don’t ask me no Wonkas, and I won’t tell you no lies
Clare : “How about a nice game of chess?”
Jerkwheat : WarGames was last night Clare
Steve : don’t fuck with the chess Clare, you’ll blow up the island
Suss : Right now let’s play global thermonuclear war

We now meet Violet Beauregard, a chubby girl in a red dress who chews gum. Lots of it.

CDNMoose : boys like girls with oral fixations
Steve : interesting production note: she chewed nothing except nicorette.
Yostal : Wait, she was chewing the patch?

Charlie meets his mother at work. She has a giant tub in front of her and is washing clothes in it.

CDNMoose : is that Momma Judd?
Suss : mmm. linen stew
Suss : “don’t sit on those clothes. you’ll get sadness all over them”
Clare : “Thanks for the talk, Mom…you crush my dreams better than anyone.”

After Charlie leaves, Momma Bucket kicks into one of the major songs of the movie,”Cheer Up Charlie”.

Yostal : Ahh yes, Cheer Up Charlie, often played with voice-overs of Charlie Batch getting sacked.
Yostal : You know, I have never ONCE spontaneously expressed my feelings through impromptu song…OK, maybe once.
CDNMoose : c’mon, Yostal…once?
CDNMoose : more like…dozens of times
Steve : I do it constantly. you should have heard the “my girlfriend is a whore” song.
Jerkwheat : you’re missing out Yostal, it really brightens up the workday
Yostal : It was an extended remix

We now meet Mike Teevee, who would have gone apeshit over the concept of TiVo. He he is dressed up as a cowboy and waving around a plastic gun and mentions he wants a real “Colt .45″.

Steve : colt 45… billy dee williams approves
Yostal : Thank goodness that all of these children speak English
Clare : Shit, I just laughed at that stupid “Not ’til you’re twelve, son” joke
CDNMoose : bad jacket. Gene Rayburn approves

Grandpa pulls a Wonka bar out from under his pillow. Charlie questions his commitment to trying to get out of their financial troubles.

Steve : *grandpa pulls cash out of his fat roll*
CDNMoose : “Grampa, that money was for tobacco.”
Yostal : The fifth ticket will be found by an American serviceman deep in the city of Hue as part of his K-Ration pack

We now have a montage of people looking for Wonka bars. One of an auctioneer yelling an increasingly large numbers
“500 pounds, 800pounds, 100pounds!” The next of a woman who’s husband was kidnapped for a ransom of a case of Wonka bars.

Steve : I don’t remember this kidnapping motif in the movie….
Yostal : Did we just stumble into an episode of Columbo
Suss : why is he reciting Ted Washington’s growth?

On a black and white tv, a latin reporter is announcing that the 5th golden ticket was won by a man in Paraguay. It seems a bit racist that everything else in this movie is in color, but they show the latinos as only being able to manage to broadcast in grayscale.

Clare : Cool! Peaches is in this movie!
Clare : *motherfuckers wanna get with me, lay with me, love with me*
CDNMoose : now *that’s* a haircut
Yostal : Ahh Paraguay! The insane cousin of South America

We are now back to the schoolhouse, and the Mr Turpentine is now teaching the children math.

CDNMoose : Steven Fry had a kid with the creepy neighbor from The Jeffersons…and he’s now teaching percentages
Jerkwheat : Dahl believed in the teaches of Peaches
Clare : like sex on the beaches :)
Steve : percentages…. such as “moonshine is 90% alcohol”
CDNMoose : Jerk, that rhyme really reaches
Yostal : Ahh yes, the recent unpleasantness…One of my favorite comedy euphemism
Yostal : This guy is the worst teacher ever. He’s worse than Ryan Gosling in Half Nelson
Steve : wait, when did John Nash show up in this movie?
Suss : poor people don’t deserve percentage
Steve : Suss, the republicans will have you believe a flat rate is the best way.

As charlie is walking down the street which is packed with Volkswagens and Mercedes Benzes..

Yostal : I love the Lufthansa ads on the streets of London

Charlie finds some money in the storm drain and rather than pay for one of the hundreds of things his family probably needs, he goes to buy some Wonka candy, in this case a Scrumdiddlyumptious bar.

Clare : Oh, I get it, he only makes the poor kids pay
Suss : the candy store must be celebrating “you have to pay for what you eat day”
Steve : “my family is dirt poor, how about I spend all this money on candy”
CDNMoose : “…and not tobacco”
Suss : “you’ll get a stomachache if you swallow it like that” …ladies

Suss doesn’t feign suprise very well.

Suss : hey I wonder if the ticket is in the one he just OH MY GOD IT IS

goldenticket.jpg
Its better than a golden shower

Charlie meet Slugworth in the back alley on his way home. Slugworth attempts to bribe Charlie to steal the formula for everlasting gobstoppers so he can make them.

Clare : Creeeeeeepyyyyyy
Steve : his cheeks are creeping me out
CDNMoose : “It’s all about trust, Charlie…Now drop to your knees and put your cock in my mouth”
Clare : octagon-shaped glasses = EEEVIL
Suss : LOOK OUT CHARLIE, IT’S AN ANTAGONIST
Yostal : Has anyone explained this country’s strict reverse engineering prohibitions

CDNMoose : (“Everlasting Gobstopper”)
Jerkwheat : your wife already calls it The Antagonist, Moose
Clare : ba-ZING!
CDNMoose : *sobs*
CDNMoose : it’s true
Jerkwheat : but i’ll never understand why she calls her lady parts the “duty free shop”
CDNMoose : Because with me? It’s less taxing.
Jerkwheat : *the Moose’s wife is a classy lady and I shall never besmirch her again*

Back in the house, Charlie shows his family the golden ticket. Grandpa Joe has a magical recovery, going from bedridden to fleet-of-foot in about 2 minutes. Also, as we all have our heads up our asses, we do not notice that Suss makes the genius comment of the entire film viewing.

Suss : the Bucket family lives in a Trodgor peasant thatched roof cottage
Clare : Help David Crosby out of bed, Charlie.
Suss : “charlie, why don’t you take your fath– oh, right, sorry. awk-warrd”
Steve : I wonder if grandpa joe can pop and lock. *cue the dance music*
Suss : still more mobile than Paterno
Yostal : Except when Paterno needs to use the facilities
CDNMoose : and David Crosy, actually
Yostal : Or to track down a ref
CDNMoose : Paterno has his own facilities strapped to his back with medical tubing
Steve : I wonder when Melissa Etheridge shows up for a sperm donation.
Suss : I didn’t know charlie’s other grandpa is larry david’s father
CDNMoose : “P.S. Screw you other three fuckers. Enjoy the bed, you bags of douche”

imouttaherefuckers.jpg

We now see a calendar with October 1st as the current date. There is a large crowd gathered outside the factory, waiting to watch the children go in.

CDNMoose : They made the date the first of October so the Chicago Cubs could make it if they found a ticket.
Yostal : So does Mike Teevee represent the Lone Ranger heresy of American exceptionalism?
Steve : damnit Yostal.. quit it
Suss : yeah Yostal … you and your big words
Yostal : and my small, confusing words?

As Willy Wonka (fake) limps to the gate, and then opens it the crowd pushes forward to surround the families enter in.

Steve : you know if this was happening at ohio state, there would be burning cars and people would crash the gate.
Suss : wow, can’t believe Veruca outran the fat kid
Yostal : “Don’t leave me with the Germans!”
Suss : he counts Germans? what’s he up to now?
Steve : he’s planning a offensive maneuver against the Blitzkreig.

As the children enter into the factory, Willy Wonka says “We have so much time, and so little to see”.

Yostal : We have so much time, and so little to see. So it’s like most of my lectures.
CDNMoose : that’s why you should wear pants when teaching, Yost

After they take off their coats and hats, Wonka has a large contract on the wall that they are all supposed to sign.

Steve : at the bottom is the “Joey Porter Clause”
CDNMoose : …”and here I am signing this contract like a sucker!”
Steve : “sign away charlie, we got nothing to lose” … exactly the kind of thing chapter 11 is built upon.
CDNMoose : Chapter 11 and a whole lot of softcore pornography

giantcontract.jpg

Willy Wonka leads them all into a large room where everything is made of edible candy. It appears as though Steve knows what’s coming…

Steve : so why couldn’t the german meet his end in an oven?
CDNMoose : too predictable

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A shot of the whole crew before tragedy strikes.

Clare : Why is Willy Wonka wearing coral lip gloss?
CDNMoose : because he was out of peach
Clare : I wonder how many times Gene whacked the kids with that cane

Suss : it took 27 takes to not impale a little kid on this staircase scene
Steve : probably not nearly as many times as michael jackson whacked kids with HIS cane.
Suss : quit thinking faster than me clare
CDNMoose : *31…the 27th kid lived. Dammit

Clare : somebody HAD to go for the gigantic psychedelic mushroom
Suss : veruca goes for the chocolate salty balls
Clare : I know I’d go for it first too
CDNMoose : “stick ‘em in your mouth and suck ‘em!”

A freudian typo?

Steve : *cure the midgets*
Steve : *cue*
CDNMoose : you were right the first time, Steve
Steve : ya, I think I was

Holly, the one who sparked the idea of watching this movie in the first place, arrives.

Holly : has entered the room
Jerkwheat : has left the room
Steve : welcome… we were just talking about healing midgets
CDNMoose : We can now say that we haven’t seen Holly and Jerkwheat in the same room at the same time…*strokes chin, accusingly*

As we all know, Augustus falls his fat ass into the river and goes up the tube.

CDNMoose : this is just like a colonoscopy come to magical life
Steve : holly.. your right in time for the appearance of your image-stealer.
Yostal : And that boy would later go on to serve as Governor of California
Suss : Augustus Gloop does his Andy Dufresne impression
Holly : Whatever, “Jerkwheat”. Whatever.
Steve : ORANGE MIDGETS!
Suss : The Oompa Loompas just got back from the Miami Hurricanes game
Steve : I have a strong feeling, if it had been invented, they would have used Comic Sans as the oompa loompa song font.
Yostal : Hell 2 da NAW
CDNMoose : where they consumed nothing but carrots
Yostal : Steve, I must concur
Steve : you don’t just come in here, eating our chocolate and talking all that smack.
Steve : http://www.bancomicsans.com

Holly has an interesting idea.

Holly : NED IN THE CANDY FACTORY. Make it happen, Suss.
Suss : I’ll see what I can do
CDNMoose : would he have candy canes for crutches?

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Dammit, I should have taken my LSD

Now that the Oompa Loompas have gone to get Augustus out of the fudge room, a boat pulls up on the chocolate river for the families to board.

CDNMoose : and now you know why augustus gloop left…that boat only sits four families
Suss : this was the first reality TV movie
CDNMoose : THIS AIN’T REALITY TV!
Suss : “the tribal council has spoken. Augustus, you are the weakest Kraut. Goodbye!”

The boat, piloted by Oompa Loompas, heads into the dark tunnel, where psychedellic lights flash and Gene Wilder starts rambling off a poem while his crazy eyes do their magic.

Steve : has everybody dropped their acid?
Yostal : This part gets cut from ABC Family showings
Steve : this really would be terrible on acid
CDNMoose : “it’s a small world after all…”
Yostal : I think I just caught a snippet of Un chien andalou in the film
Holly : Are you kidding? It was *meant* to be an Enhanced Experience.
CDNMoose : +1 Yost
Yostal : Little known fact, this is the lost second paragraph of the Gettysburg Address

The boat pulls up to “The Inventing Room” and they enter. Wonka skips from machine to machine in the room, showing them to the children.

Steve : Inventing room… full of Chinese research scientists.
Yostal : No one who speaks German can possibly be an evil man.
Suss : The Salts only speak German accent
Yostal : This would be much better if they used “Powerhouse” behind it
Holly : Dude, grandpa joe’s a hellcat between the sheets of that one bed.
Holly : I…I’m really sorry about that.
Steve : interesting note… that is the same machine they have at my gym
Yostal : Springtime…for Hitler, in the Wonka Factory
CDNMoose : “Hmmmm…needs more shoes”
Steve : “candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker”… words to live by people, WORDS TO LIVE BY!
Suss : “this is the most secret machine in my entire factory .. that’s why I covered it with a deflated moonwalk”
Suss : you can suck ‘em and suck ‘em and they never get smaller
Suss : I’ve heard that promise before
Suss : this machine does the work of 6 teenagers and 4 mexican migrant workers

Violet eats some of the gum that is a three course meal. As she makes a comment about the tomato soup, Suss tosses us one right over the plate. We are idiots and don’t even swing at it.

Suss : “it’s hot and creamy I can feel it running down my throat” can anyone think of any responses to this?

Violet winds up blowing up into a huge blueberry, the Oompa Loompas roll violet out.

Steve : this is the same way they transport oprah
Yostal : You know, at least in this version, they don’t roll her on her head. Then again, she’s roughly 500% smaller than her 2005 counterpart
CDNMoose : that’s inflation for you

As they proceed down the hall to the fizzy lifting drink room, they get to the lickable wallpaper, on which “The schnozberries taste like schnozberries”. Grandpa Joe and Charlie are thirsty and start drinking the fizzy lifting drink. As you might predict, something goes wrong (they float).

Suss : tee hee, Grandpa Joe, you tickle
Yostal : This sequence filmed in one of Germany’s many decommissioned ICBM silos
Suss : no sex in the fizzy lifting drinks room
Steve : if only they could have overdubbed this scene with “because I got high”
Suss : “I haven’t flown through the air … in 20 years”
Suss : those poor people. always doing somersaults in the air
CDNMoose : “Quick– take a piss!”
Yostal : You know, you could always just push downward
Steve : possibly the only movie in history where burping was a plot point
Suss : um, Revenge of the Nerds belching contest?
CDNMoose : I heard you’re supposed to kill geese that do that
CDNMoose : +1 Suss

ripple.jpg
Charlie and Grandpa Joe taking swigs of Ripple.

In the Golden Goose room, Veruca goes all crazy singing “I Want a Golden Goose” and winds up falling down the chute where the bad eggs go.

Yostal : SECURITY!
Suss : don’t feel bad, Mr. Salt. Suri Cruise was also a bad egg
Yostal : I’ve got a bad feeling about this
CDNMoose : I thought that was a bad seed, Suss
CDNMoose : the egg was “fine”
Suss : the egg was from Toledo. So no, no it wasn’t
CDNMoose : i sit corrected

After the Oompa Loompas do their thing, they all get into a car that is fueled by Ginger Ale and other associated sodas. When the car starts to move, the car begins to overflow with bubbles.

Steve : somebody overloaded the dishwasher with soap
CDNMoose : Oh, stop pretending you haven’t had that happen before
CDNMoose : BUKAKKE!*
Steve : dishwasher soap bukakke
CDNMoose : But this time, they mostly missed her face

*For those keeping score at home, the spellchecker on my computer does not know how to spell “bukakke”.

soapbukkake.jpg
“NOT IN MY EYE!”

So now they make it to the TV room, which is a giant, stark-white room with a large tv camera setup in the middle of the room. They all don protective cleansuits before they enter.

Suss : Willy Wonka and the Manhattan Project
Suss : wonka’s hat isn’t shielded by his body coat. UNCLEAN!
Yostal : Beam me up Wonka!
Steve : and his goggles look like a giant white bowtie
CDNMoose : favourite line in the movie right there *deadpan* “Stop. Don’t. Come back.”
Suss : “A million pieces take a long time to put together.” the very line that inspired James Frey to get his act together

As we all can guess by this point, Mike has fucked up somehow and gotten himself zapped into a million tiny pieces by the giant camera. So now we get the fourth Oompa Loompa song and dance routine.

Suss : I don’t see why midgets hate this movie. I consider them all fantastic performers
Steve : I think they resent the swatch of green hair sticking out of the hoodie

boyband.jpg
The very first boyband.

So now that Charlie is the last kid left, Wonka tells them to go home and heads into his office. Obviously unhappy that they aren’t goign to get their free lifetime supply of chocolate Grandpa Joe goes in to kick ass and take names. When he enters, we notice that only half of every item in Wonka’s office is present.

Suss : looks like Mrs. Wonka got half the office in the divorce

So after the boring scene with Wonka telling them they get nothing because they drank fizzy lifting drinks, and then Charlie giving the everlasting gobstopper back, Wonka goes apeshit happy and takes them into a large glass elevator.

Steve : I keep wondering if the exploding elevator is a metaphor for something.
Suss : that elevator knows more routes than TO
Yostal : And doesn’t run any of them well…
Steve : The elevator read the playbook
Yostal : The elevator was who we thought they were
CDNMoose : But it tried to cut itself…
CDNMoose : a cry for help, indeed
Steve : lies! the elevator uses pills!
Yostal : That elevator has 24 million reasons to be alive

As the elevator busts out of the top of the factory and starts flying(!!), we all take our parting shots at the movie.

Yostal : And…scene
CDNMoose : A QUAKER OATS PRESENTATION
Steve : I wonder if Michael Jackson ever sent out golden tickets.
Suss : stay tuned for the Mattel and Mars Bars Super Energy Chocobot Hour
CDNMoose : The “how to buy Chocobot” episode?
Yostal : They’re gonna fight Col. Kh-taffi again

So the party has ended, and slowly all of the participants who are not taking part in the TMNT viewing trickle out.

Yostal : I gotta work tomorrow
Suss : and that’s my cue to exit
Suss : do we each get an oompa loompa song when we leave?
CDNMoose : no. you cheated.
CDNMoose : unless you do a selfless act, Suss
Suss : but all the cheaters _did_ get songs
CDNMoose : ah. this is true
Suss : *punches a hooker*
Suss : has left the room
Steve : oopma loompa, doopey do, I’ve got a little puzzle for you
Steve : what do you get when you get when you punch a hooker…
CDNMoose : “booted”
Steve : herpes and -$500

Later, and hour into the TMNT viewing, we are reminded of something…

CDNMoose : suss is leaving us with a present…

ned.jpg

Steve : awesome!
Clare : Hello, new work desktop

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Comments»

1. Texas Gal - Monday, March 26, 2007

Closing picture is pure genius.

Also, when Yost talked about “Germany jokes”, I thought he was referring to the Michigan player Germany who just got the boot from the team. Duh.

2. Clare - Monday, March 26, 2007

I thought the misunderstanding about the “line” on the Germany jokes was the best part of that exchange.

Also, as promised: My work desktop.

3. Holly - Monday, March 26, 2007

My work desktop as well…it’s so shiny!

4. Suss-- - Monday, March 26, 2007

“What do you get when you punch someone’s jaw?
A 1-game suspension and a HELL 2 DA NAW
What makes you think you can fight on the field
When your leg is not ful … ly … healed?

Some gimp thinks he’s got my back

Oompa loompa, doompadee dah
If you’re on crutches, you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do”

Also, for those who don’t want their desktop wallpaper to include Clare’s naughty files.

5. Suss-- - Monday, March 26, 2007

Half the credit of “Neddy Wonka” goes to my Photoshop muse Holly.

Did I say half? I meant 5 percent. The other 95 is butterscotch ripple.

6. Holly - Monday, March 26, 2007

Ned goes great with everything. He’s like bourbon.

…what?

7. Elric VIII Emperor of Melnibone - Monday, March 26, 2007

“Also, for those who don’t want their desktop wallpaper to include Clare’s tax files.”

Fixed it for you.

8. Suss-- - Monday, March 26, 2007

Did anybody give Yostal the game ball for this liveblog yet?

9. Holly - Monday, March 26, 2007

Willy Wonka and the Manhattan Project

Aww, I missed the shoutout to my hometown. Boo.

10. Suss-- - Monday, March 26, 2007

That explains the glowing red hair.

11. steve - Monday, March 26, 2007

Between the Photoshoppery, Oompa Loompa song, and Trogdor comment… You, Suss, actually should have this game ball.

12. Holly - Monday, March 26, 2007

Probably, since I grew up down the street from this.

And yeah, I’m with Steve. Suss gets game ball by virtue of the Ned art alone.

13. Jerkwheat - Monday, March 26, 2007

Are we sure we don’t want Clare’s naughty files?

14. Yostal - Monday, March 26, 2007

This is way more impressive than I thought it would be, which I mean, wow, great stuff. Oh and Suss, the game ball is all you man. All you, but thank you for your consideration.

15. LenBiasCocaineSurplus - Monday, March 26, 2007

I really need to stop being too lazy to do live blogs.

I don’t know how I can be THAT lazy

16. Tim Stefka - Saturday, March 19, 2011

Why is Violet panicking when she turns into a blueberry and why does she freak out when the Oompa Loompas lower her on her back and her arms are going up and down and why don’t we ever see where her belt went to when it popped off. Do you think it would be easy to do a musical on this just the 1971 movie and not make any mistakes?


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