DeadOn March Madness: Midwest Monday, March 12, 2007
Posted by LenBiasCocaineSurplus in basketball, black people, hentai tentacle porn, Len Bias Cocaine Surplus, the balls.Tags: Suge Knight
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While most “experts” would have you believe that the fate of the NCAA tourney depends on the skills of the players on the court and the coaches on the sideline and how much money the dean’s pay off the refs to give them the calls I have a different theory.
The NCAA March Madness tourney can be predicted properly simply using the mascot names and the famous alumni and several other factors that will be fed into a computer giving me the proper picks.
Follow me for today’s team previews of the Midwest region
1. Florida Gators
Famous Alumni- Bob Vila, Apprentice Winner Kendra Tod, Mel Tillis, Stephen Root, Buddy Epsen, The baseball player with so much grit and hustle I don’t have to list his name, Rich Fields, Faye Dunaway, Todd Barry,
Mascot’s Ability To Win a Fight- 8/10
Interesting Factoid- Xhosa Language is a class offered
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIqc6M-wHjQ
2. Wisconsin Badgers
Famous Alumni- Brooks Bollinger? Joan Cusack? Micheal Mann, Joyce Carol Oates, the salesman from the Connan O Brien sketches, Butch Vig,
Mascot’s ability to win a fight- 5/10
Interesting Tidbit- Can be heckled using lines from UHF
3. Oregon Ducks
Famous Alumni- Ken Kesey, that QB they had who played classical piano?
Mascot’s fight -1/10
Tidbit- They do not wear color changing basketball uniforms as far as I know
4. Maryland Shellbacks
Famous Alumni- Bonnie Bernstein, Len Bias, Connie Chung, Larry David, Giuliana DePandi,
Mascot fighting – 1.5/10
Tidbit- Promotes cocaine use
5. British Butler Bulldogs
Famous Alumni- Peter Lupus.. you know the guy from Muscle Beach Party.
Mascot Fight- 11/10. No one fucks with the British Bulldog.
Tidbit – March 21 is a special seminar about gays and lesbians in the media
6. Norte Dame Fighting Irish
Famous Alumni- Jesus Christ, George Wendt. Many confuse these two as the same person
Mascot Fighting – Depends on how drunk the Irishman is
Tidbit- Rudy is not listed as a starter for the tourney
7. UNLV Running Rebels
Famous Alumni – Suge Knight.
Mascot Fighting – I fear Suge Knight. 125/10
Tidbit- Suge Knight is a scary man
8. Arizona Wildcats
As part of my rebellion against the name Wildcats all team having this name will instead of the following as a preview
9. Purdue Boilermakers
Famous Alumni- Orville Redenbacher, Neil Armstrong, Drew Brees’ Mole, and the inventor of fiberglass
Mascot Fighting Ability- 3/10. He could throw the boilers he makes I guess.
Tidbit- Naming your team the Boilermakers is still better than the Wildcats
10. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
Famous Alumni- Jeff Foxworthy has a college degree?
Mascot fighting- Well bees can sting but they tend to die after they do so. I guess that makes it a -2/10
Tidbit- They admitted Jeff Foxworthy
11. Winthrop Golden Eagles
Famous Alumni- That one guy… and that other guy who knew that first guy
Mascot Fighting- How can you get through the gold plating of a golden eagle? 10/10
Tidbit- The PIKE Fraternity has been placed on probation due to the rape of a girl after high amounts of alcohol were consumed
12. Old Dominion Monarchs
Famous Alumni – Justin Verlander, the band Mae
Mascot Fighting – Monarchs have full power over everyone not named Suge Knight. 21/10
Tidbit- Nearly 80 percent of its students are from the state of Virginia
13. Davidson WILDCATS
Episode 2
14. Miami (OH) Redhawks
Famous Alumni – Bad motorcycle driver, Jessica Simpson’s ex-husband
Mascot Fighting- I’m not sure how much the hawk being red really helps. 7/10
Tidbit – NOT in Florida
15. Texas A&M Corpus Christi Islanders whose Mascot is Named Izzy
Famous Alumni- That guy from Winthrop came and got his graduate degree here
Mascot Fighting- Islanders are a fairly lame mascot, this coming from the kid whose school’s nickname is the “Trailblazers”. 4/10
Tidbit- Has a long name
16. Jackson State Tigers
Famous Alumni- I hear Walter Payton was a good football player
Mascot Fighting- Better than the actual odds of the team winning
Tidbit- 97% percent of the students are black
Best Youtube Video
My predictions?
Florida, Purdue, Butler, Maryland, Norte Dame, Miami (Of Not Floria), UNLV, Wisc
Second Round: Florida, Butler, Notre Dame, UNLV
Third Round: Florida, UNLV
Finals: UNLV
Purdue a 3/10? Ridiculous! It’s a train man! That shit runs people (and animals) over!
Doesn’t run Suge Knight over
Spor-ts?
You joke… but it’s true. I had a girl win our tourney pool a couple years back simply because she picked the mascots she liked best.
I’m sorry, BTO. But no. A “boilermaker” is not a train. A boilermaker is a trained craftsman who produces steel fabrications from plates and sections. The train is shenanigans. You are the “boilermakers” and you craft things out of metal.
I thought the boilermaker was the louder, more crass cousin of the sake bomb.
Elric, that boilermaker is the devil’s work. Don’t ever try one, it’s so disgusting.
Christ! Now I have to have pseudo-witty and unoriginal sports comments on TWO sites?
Trains can only kill shit that is stupid enough to be on the tracks at the exact time the a train is coming.
Baba,
you’ve obviously never encountered a silent movie villan with a handlebar moustache.
they tie damsels down to railroad tracks all the fucking time.
Dastardly!
I went to college for 2 years at Chico State. In those two years, I think there were somewhere around 6 incidents of things/people getting hit by the train as it came through town.
The most amusing of which was somebody in a wheelchair that got stuck trying to go across the tracks. He was pulled out of his chair before the train took the life of the chair. Since the town is basically bisected by the train tracks, when the train stops for these accidents, you cant get across town.
Chico State’s Mascot – Wildcats!
oh ya, and it’s a $500 fine to set off a nuclear bomb within the city limits.
Badgers are fucking mean animals. That’s the reason you never hear of Badger attacks. People are smart enough to stay away. Not like those stupid people that get harmed by gators. Gators..pffft
Alligators are less dangerous than crocodiles, right?
This was brilliant, Len. Well, except for the UNLV will win the bracket thing… that was pretty ridiculous…
DAMMIT! I KNOW WHAT A BOILERMAKER IS! We got our name because we imported boilermakers from the local mills to play football for us (yeah, we cheated, so what?). But the official school mascot is The Boilermaker Special (on Number 6, I believe), which is a fookin’ TRAIN!
(Purdue Pete is the ‘athletic mascot’ but not the official school mascot).
I think Nike is working on color-changing uniforms for Oregon for next year.
I can’t believe you didn’t list Regis as an ND alumni. The jokes just write themselves.
It’s the Maryland Terrapins, not the shellbacks…