The Number 23

Starring: Jim Carrey, Virginia Madsen

Pitch: Stranger Than Fiction with more minor fifths and less flood lighting. Possibly funnier, but that’s not intentional.

Synopsis: (Apologies to Nick Lowe)

Now I can remember like it was only yesterday
Jim was young and foolish like a little child at play
But oh how actors change – I never dreamed how easily
’Cause now he’s just a shadow of the actor he used to be

And when I write the book about Carrey
It will be about a man whose career’s now scary
About his hopes and ambitions wasted through the years
The suck will be written on every page, I fear
When I write the book about Jim Carrey

I was a fool for that elf when I watched “In Living Col-ah “
And I fared little better when I tried Ace Ventura (sorry)
Maybe some magic moment – I’ve never known one, not for long
For all too soon the magic is in a moment gone

And when I write the book about Carrey
It’ll be a heartbreaking story about hubris unburied
When I get down on the pages about this creep
It will make the hardest-hearted of critics’ hearts weep
When I write the book about Jim Carrey

Target Market: Those who like horror movies but missed the next preview.

Why You Should See This Movie: When you have better options this weekend in the same genre, I’m not entirely sure. There is a strong chance this will be firmly planted in the “so bad it’s good” camp, so it’s got that going for it, which is nice.

The Abandoned

Starring: Unknowns

Pitch: There wasn’t one; this one was made by stealing hobos’ shoestrings while they slept and then selling them back to the hobos when they woke.

Synopsis: Flip all the conventional horror pastichés over and have your way with them. A middle-aged woman returns to Russia from the United States to look for her birth parents. She probably should have just accepted her adopted parents’ word that they died in the same accident that gave Gorbachev his ‘birthmark’. (Hint: it involved maple syrup.) It’s safe to say the story then moves past the typical horror story; the director’s biggest hit to date involved heavy doses of corpse-fucking.

Target Market: Hardcore horror fans. This movie was first presented as a short film as part of a package of low-budget terrorizers in November; this is the only one to find wider release.

Why You Should See This Movie: It’s possible this movie benefits from the critic’s thrill of low-budget discovery and the blessing of low expectations, but every indicator says this should be a pleasant way to soil yourself on a Saturday night.

Reno 911!: Miami

Starring: The stars of Reno 911! on Comedy Central

Pitch: It’s Reno 911! with unbleeped swearing and unblocked titties.

Synopsis: It’s Re…oh, come on now.

Target Market: I’d be interested to hear from you in comments if you can think of a television series that expanded its viewer base with a movie. Does Star Trek count since the television series was long defunct? I personally remember being part of the fight to get MST3K a movie, only to have it reach exactly no one outside the normal viewing audience.

Why You Should See This Movie: You love the television show and want to see more low-budget movies by the same creative team. (Don’t forget to pre-order the DVD when you get home, lucky consumer!)

The Astronaut Farmer

Starring: Billy Bob Thornton, Virginia Madsen, Bruce Dern

Pitch: I’m really struggling to imagine this pitch meeting. “It’s a family drama with an uplifting message of the lone American rising above his station to the stars a…okay, look, we promised the Polish brothers we’d give them a film and all the other suggestions were even more bizarre. Let’s just greenlight it and get it over with, okay? I’ve got reservations.”

Synopsis: Astronaut used to sowing his space seeds gives it all up to be with one family farm and promptly regrets it. Now middle-aged astronaut tries recapturing his youth by building a huge phallic symbol to return him to his former virility.

Target Market: Baby Boomers. Men will love the mid-life crisis thing; women will love the sensitive male thing.

Why You Should See This Movie: It’s an odd premise with a strong cast and a promising young pair of brothers spearheading it. Consider this your movie with upside for the weekend; you can tell everyone I Saw Them When.

Gray Matters (limited release)

Starring: Heather Graham, Thomas Cavanagh, Bridget Moynahan

Pitch: Get Heather Graham to make out with Bridget Moynahan but put Ed in the movie to get the women in.

Synopsis: Ed and Rollergirl, the least likely siblings since Luke and Leia, both have a huge crush on The Once and Future Mrs. Tom Brady. Hilarity likely ensues.

Target Market: Upscale young urban couples where the male wants to broach the topic of a threesome but hasn’t found the conversation starter yet.

Why You Should See This Movie: You can’t wait for the lesbian makeout scenes to end up on PornoTube. This premise seems too cute by half, though; it probably wouldn’t hurt to pass until it came out on DVD.