Last night was it, the series finale of The OC, after four seasons, three school districts, two ridiculously understanding parents, and one unchanging expression on the face of Ryan Atwood. Watching the final episode was like watching competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi plow through a stack of hot dogs. You can’t believe how much shit is getting crammed in there and you have no idea where it’s all going to go. To help me make sense of it, I enlisted the help of The Fan’s Attic. So grab a hot dog and get in the U-Haul, because we’re all leaving Newport together.

The show begins with a title card reading “Six Months Later”. The entire Cohen family is now living with Raging Whore Julie Cooper and I hope they know better than to put the blankets near their faces. It’s the day before the Raging Whore’s wedding to–surprise–The Bullet because apparently her other boyfriend Kevin Sorbo as Hercules as Frank Atwood could prevent Zeus from smiting her but couldn’t do anything about the itching and burning.

Taylor Townshend has moved back to France and Ryan is so, like, totally over her that he doesn’t even look at her Webshots. BURN! Seth Cohen and Summer Roberts have moved into her room together, where they don’t shower, don’t eat anything but Doritos, and don’t speak… it’s like they’re bloggers!

The Cohens meet an inspector at their pelican-and-earthquake ravaged house and learn that it can’t be saved. It took six months of construction work to determine that their home can’t be saved. So either they actually live in New Jersey or Newport has fewer contractors than black people.

Our first commercial break features an animated anti-drug commercial where a guy lights a joint and his girlfriend him nags about it. Eventually an alien lands in the park, loads her into his spaceship and leaves him to enjoy his high in peace. I’m not sure that’s the message they were going for. Tell me again what the downside of pot is?

And we’re back. The Cohens are looking for a new home but they really want to go back to Berkley where they lived twenty Lexus SUVs ago. Taylor comes home fromFrance and is placed on a terrorist watchlist, probably because she’s over 18 and still shops at Wet Seal. Summer picks her up just as Ryan and Seth are flying out on “a mission”. Ryan sees Taylor for the first time in half a year, but cannot react since he packed all of his emotions in his carry-on bag.

The Bullet and Kaitlyn go to meet his other twelve sons, all named presumably for the location where they were conceived. Texas Stadium Bathroom seems to be pleased with his father’s decision to remarry, but La Quinta Inn and Golf Course Rain Shelter appear to have reservations. And, what do you know, Raging Whore Julie Cooper is pregnant with his child, a baby that should be placed in a Biohazard bin as soon as it falls out of her tainted womb.

Ryan and Seth find the Cohens old house in Berkley where Todd and Patrick, an adorable gay couple, are living. They’re both wearing pink shirts and couldn’t be more stereotypical if they were singing showtunes, flinging handfuls of confetti, or hosting American Idol. But we only have 40 more minutes and, goddammit, stereotypes save time.

Cut to another commercial, this one for Jeff Foxworthy’s new show “You Might Be Smarter than a 5^th Grade Redneck”, in which contestants win money if they don’t noticeably cringe every time Jeff tells a joke, like “If you’ve ever replaced a car window with a Wal-Mart bag, you might be my target audience.”

Seth and Ryan give the #### couple their sales pitch but the ####s are unfazed because they’re too busy playing with their Rent dolls. Ryan decides that only Sandy Cohen could convince them to give up the house so The Bullet offers to fly Sandy and a very-pregnant Kirsten to Berkley on his jet. Kirsten is approaching her due date but still weighs 27 pounds. She does have a gigantic belly though, which makes her look like a python that is trying to digest a pig.

Meanwhile, back in Newport, Summer is confessing to Taylor that she and Seth don’t do anything except sit in recliners and watch Jeff Foxworthy shows. She hadn’t even realized that Bullet and Pancakes the rabbit had started a family under her bed. He found Pancakes to be way more sanitary than Raging Whore Julie Cooper and has already developed a special bond with his son, Behind Summer’s Dresser.

Kaitlyn makes the mistake of asking her mother, Raging Whore Julie Cooper, whether she loves The Bullet. She doesn’t know and she confesses to Kaitlyn that the baby isn’t his. It could belong to Hercules, Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead, or Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband.

The Cohens and The Bullet have arrived in Berkley. Kirsten goes into the house and lays her eggs behind the refrigerator then sneaks into the bedroom and calls for Sandy. Her water broke all over Patrick’s duvet cover and he’s furious. Not just about the placenta on the upholstery but because she didn’t notice his shoes. They don’t have time to go to the hospital but as Patrick says, “This is so random, but I’m actually a midwife”. He also arranges flowers, cuts hair, and works at Banana Republic on the weekends.

The commercial break features a preview for Seth Cohen’s first post-OC motion picture, a heinous looking romantic comedy called In the Land of Women (subtitle: The Man with One Dick is King). During the break, I called my buddy J-Bug to talk about the ’04 Red Sox World Series again. J-Bug hates the finale so far. He says it’s like only watching the commemorative World Series DVDs without following the season. Whoa…I blacked out… what happened?

Back in Berkley, Sandy is swaddling his new daughter, Sophie Rose, in his eyebrows. He hands her to Rafiki who holds her up for all of the animals to see as Patrick and Todd sing “The Circle of Life”.

Summer is helping Raging Whore Julie Cooper get ready for her wedding by dousing her liberally with disinfectant. Summer confesses that maybe she and Seth have gotten too comfortable with each other, a feeling that the Raging Whore wouldn’t know since she rarely stays with someone long enough for the wet spot to dry. Summer gives the Raging Whore a present and I was disappointed that it wasn’t a bag of Kwick-Krete for her vajayjay. No, it’s a locket with a picture of a beaming Mischa Barton who couldn’t be happier that her character was killed off before the show went to shit.

The Bullet is ready for the wedding but Raging Whore Julie Cooper won’t get married without her best friend Kirsten so The Bullet flies the entire wedding party to Berkley to Todd and Patrick’s house. He asks if anyone is a wedding planner and—how fabulous—Todd is! At this point, they could’ve asked for a prehistoric ornithologist and Todd would’ve pulled an Archaeopteryx out of his ass. 

Ryan and Taylor go upstairs to talk with the intention of saying goodbye to each other as friends. They shake hands and immediately make out and tear each other’s clothes off because if someone’s tongue is in his mouth, Ryan doesn’t have to emote. Patrick opens the door as they’re going at it on his bed and makes a silent note to seal off that room forever.

Summer and Seth are having a talk about the state of their relationship too. Can they spend four years living together in Providence? They don’t think so, because Seth is moving to The Land of Women. He gives her a flyer for GEORGE, a radical ecology group that she wanted to join. They aren’t radical in the sense that they’ll institute sweeping political change, but because they wear brightly colored leggings and really cute scrunchies and sometimes they rollerblade.

It’s time for the wedding but right before The Bullet takes the Raging Whore to be his wife, Hercules tears the doors off the church and screams her name. Unfortunately, he’s in Newport and she’s in Berkley. In a fit of rage, he slays the minotaur he brought as a wedding gift. He calls Kaitlyn, who is standing on the altar beside her mother. She puts Hercules on speakerphone as he begs her to change her mind and marry him. The Bullet throws the phone away, wishing he didn’t have Verizon, America’s Most Reliable Wireless Network. The Raging Whore races from the altar and says she needs a minute to decide as Todd and Patrick wonder why they ever even wanted the right to marry.

Kaitlyn tells the Raging Whore that whatever she decides, to make sure it’s what she wants because it’s forever. Obviously Kaitlyn is retarded. The only thing the Raging Whore has that lasts forever is herpes. Meanwhile, Todd and Patrick have decided to get the hell out. They tell the Cohens that they’ll sell the house. All it took was a birth, a wedding, and one destroyed duvet cover.

OK, the final ten minutes are ridiculous and cover approximately ten years, like The Thornbirds if the Cleary family shopped at Hollister. Sandy and Kirsten are packing their things in Newport and Kirsten throws a bagel slicer in one of the boxes. You know, in case you forgot that they’re Jewish. Summer is leaving town on a big bus to go, like, save the world. She says goodbye to Seth and says that he’s her destiny. She gives Ryan a rabbit which he just wants to pet, he just wants to pet the rabbit, let me pet the rabbit, but he accidentally kills it. Cut to Ryan and Taylor on a train heading to New York so she can take a boat to Paris because this part of the show takes place in 1903. They make out and he just wants to touch her hair, just touch her pretty hair and he accidentally breaks her neck.

Fast forward… Sandy and Kirsten have finished packing their menorahs and are ready to leave the house forever. Ryan takes a minute to reminisce about moving in with the Cohens, back when he wore wifebeaters and couldn’t act. And now look at him…all of his shirts have sleeves. And the crazy montage begins. Ryan enrolls in Berkley to major in Emoting, Summer is protesting, Seth is stalking her, Sandy is teaching law, Kaitlyn is in school and so is Raging Whore Julie Cooper. The Bullet and Hercules–neither of whom she married–her chancre sore and her now 8-year-old son are at her graduation, applauding her decision to finally finish middle school.

Whew…Seth and Summer get married, Taylor and Ryan stare at each other. The final scene shows Ryan leaving a construction site carrying some plans because he’s obviously a courier for Mike Brady. He sees a troubled boy and asks if he needs help. You see, it’s a circle. You’ve got to block the bad, harness the good, block bad, harness good…

Goodnight, sweet OC. And flights of angels send thee to The CW, where you will be rerun until I’m forty. And dammit, I will watch you every single time.