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Oscar Week Special! Watching the Noms So You Don’t Have To: Little Miss Sunshine Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Posted by cdnmoose in CDNMoose, Elric, goathair, gordonshumway, Lady Andrea, liveblog, movies, Oscars, TexasGal.
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Unlike most blogs that wouldn’t piss on you if your hair was on fire, here at DeadOn we care about our readers.
Little Miss Sunshine Poster
We know that you don’t have the time, money or dating capacity to get out and watch all of this year’s Best Picture Oscar nominees. But you absolutely want to be able to impress your co-workers around the water cooler with your ruminations of what each movie has to say about the human condition, and you damn well want to win your Oscar office pool.

Therefore, as a service to our readers, some of our contributors are gathering every night this week at a renovated strip club now operating as a movie theatre (with very sticky floors) in Cary, North Carolina.

We are capturing their observations through a liveblog while they watch and annoy the patrons around them by talking incessantly throughout the movie and by kicking the chairs of the old people sitting in front of them.

Today’s movie is Little Miss Sunshine, as viewed by CDNMoose, GordonShumway, elric, Texas Gal, goathair and, for 10 glorious minutes, Lady Andrea.

Warning: this article contains spoilers (e.g. everyone in this batshit-crazy…)

[Update: For our OSCAR WEEK SPECIAL!, we sat (and drank) through all the nominees: Babel, The Queen, Little Miss Sunshine, The Departed and Letters From Iwo Jima)…]

We open with blackscreen…

CDNMoose: the Casio strains begin
goathair: postal service?
GordonShumway: devotchka
goathair: yep
TexasGal: the music would work for Napoleon Dynamite

The producers take their cue from The Queen and our first shot is (sigh) someone watching TV.

This is now my new most hated thing ever.

Landy Andrea: REGIS!
Landy Andrea: Notre Dame, represent!

Indeed, a young girl is watching the Miss America/USA/Mikly Way/Universe pageant (pick one).

TexasGal: Miss Louisiana is SHORT
CDNMoose: That’s why the boys don’t like her, TexasGal

Ah. Miss America. That makes it all niiiiice and legit-like.

The girl continues to pause and rewind as Miss Kansas reacts to winning the crown with shock and awe…

TexasGal: I think Miss Kansas could fit her whole fist in her mouth
TexasGal: just sayin’
GordonShumway: She has like 4 rows of teeth
GordonShumway: like a shark

The little girl is apparently dreaming of being Miss Kansas one day, which is very similar to my dream of being in Miss Kansas one day (have you seen her mouth?).

Ahem.

Anyway, the kid watches.

CDNMoose: This is that kid’s best work since that Blind Melon video
GordonShumway: I’m so embarrassed. I’m wearing the same outfit right now
elric: you’re wearing a bee suit?
Landy Andrea: she runs in a bee suit
CDNMoose: AIIIEEE! NO ES BUENO!

We cut to Richard (Greg Kinnear) working a room with his “REFUSE TO LOSE” motivational success program, which he picked up out of necessity right after he agreed to do that shitty Post Office movie about God.

Landy Andrea: this is smacking of Swayze from Donnie Darko to me
goathair: kinnear is awesome
goathair: kinnear was the bomb in mystery men
GordonShumway: I’ll throw it out right now, I’d do both Greg Kinnear and Steve Carell. Without hesitation
TexasGal: Why must men continue to wear pleated pants in this day and age?
elric: because we buy what’s on sale?
goathair: kinnear is like jeremy piven minus crack
GordonShumway: Those are Dockers stain defenders

It should be noted that he has the crowd fucking *floored*.

Yes indeed, all 9 people in the virtually empty room give him a smattering of applause (as if he tapped in for bogey) as we cut to a skinny high school kid with emo bangs working out in his room– a room sparsely decorated except for a black and white sketch of…

Landy Andrea: Sam Elliot on the wall

Emo bangs skips. Does crunches. Pushups. Pullups. He is an 89-pound force of nature.

GordonShumway: Yeah but can he double dutch?
goathair: that kid definitely has a myspace page that plays terrible music immediately
GordonShumway: I’d like to have seen him before he started that program.
GordonShumway: You know. ‘Cause he’s so buff now

The one-minute quirky character intros continue as we cut to Grampa (Alan Arkin), fiddling with his fanny pack (which he has turned all the way around– unlike a mullet, this means “party in the front”).

TexasGal: I’m scared to see what gramps has in his pouch
Landy Andrea: whoa, nose candy
elric: classy
CDNMoose: He still uses a dollar bill….how…’70s
GordonShumway: What? Your grandfather doesn’t do lines of blow?
Landy Andrea: we do it together. It’s a bonding thing
GordonShumway: My grandfather is Lindsay Lohan
TexasGal: my grandfather doesn’t… because he’s DEAD
goathair: so is mine. from blow.

And then cut to Frank (Steve Carell), looking particularly icky– almost scummy– sitting in a wheelchair in a hospital with an IV in his arm, staring off into space.

CDNMoose: GordonShumway did this to Steve Carrell
TexasGal: Steve looks non-hot here
elric: so we’ve gotten an introduction to all the endearingly neurotic characters now, yeah?
goathair: i have a problem with Carrell’s beard in this
Landy Andrea: I don’t like beards
GordonShumway: Me too. Looks like he would chafe me.
Landy Andrea: just be gay!
CDNMoose: maybe it’s like his Robin Williams serious movie beard
elric: ugh
elric: One Hour Photo?
GordonShumway: Yes, he’s actually a doctor who poses as a clown
goathair: too well manicured to be suicidal, and too ratty to be gay
goathair: coincidentally, im shaving my beard tomorrow

Sheryl (Toni Collette) drives to the hospital…

GordonShumway: Goodbye Porpoise Spit!
GordonShumway: /Muriel’s Wedding comments

The doctor asks Sheryl if she’d like to go in and see her brother (Frank)…

TexasGal: that’d be funny if she said no, she didn’t want to see him
CDNMoose: “No, not until he bathes”

GordonShumway: Why does the suicide attempt need an IV?
elric: because it’s fun?
Landy Andrea: everybody needs an IV
TexasGal: to pump in happy juice
CDNMoose: maybe he tried to “dry” himself to death
GordonShumway: Was he running when he did it?

Sheryl and Frank drive back to her house which would be described as “cozy”, “quirky” and “charming” in a real estate brochure (meaning small, crowded and kinda gummy looking).

It’s all wood paneling all the time, baby.

GordonShumway: Nice paneling.
CDNMoose: that place is like a ski lodge!

We are re-introduced to EmoBoy who is told he’s sharing a room with Frank, the bearded suicide attempt.

Landy Andrea: Dwayne? they named him Dwayne?
TexasGal: Uh-oh. Dwayne is not going to enjoy this…

Dwayne leaves his room and we focus on a weird-looking pencil drawing on his plain white tee…

GordonShumway: Did you guys ever see The Care Bears Movie?
Landy Andrea: yes!
CDNMoose: mm hmm
goathair: do not foul dwyane
TexasGal: and YES, of course
Landy Andrea: I’ve seen both and Care Bears in Wonderland
CDNMoose: what care bear symbol was on Dwayne’s shirt?
elric: I think that was Billy Bob Thornton
GordonShumway: You know when the kids couldn’t care anymore and they turned all purple and slumpy? That’s what Dwayne looks like to me.
CDNMoose: Oh, so he’s syphilus bear

Dwayne and Mom

If you can identify the person on this shirt, please notify police…

Mom gets the room ready for Dwayne and his new BFF, Uncle Frank the suicide case.

TexasGal: He has a bert and ernie pillow
TexasGal: that’s depressing
TexasGal: Oh, the pillow has cookie monster, too
TexasGal: that’s a little better
GordonShumway: Uncle Frank is Cockie Monster

For the record, I think Shummy wanted to say “Cookie Monster”, but since I am not 100% sure, I’ll leave it as-is. I think it works both ways.

In related news, I now have a new nickname for my penis. I just don’t know whether to use “Cockie” or “Cookie” though because, once again, it works both ways (especially because my junk is all hairy…and blue).

Oh, right, there’s a movie on.

We find out little girl from the start is (possibly cruelly) named Olive.

Landy Andrea: Olive and Dwayne?
goathair: olive and dwayne?
GordonShumway: I bet they spell it Dwyane
goathair: gar
goathair: im guessing its duane
Landy Andrea: I bet you’re right
goathair: remember duany duany
GordonShumway: DeWayne?
elric: like the baseball player?

Richard checks his machine (he is waiting on a call from his literary agent on a book deal for his 9-step REFUSE TO LOSE program) and is generally acting annoyed.

TexasGal: Only losers say “fuck”, Greg

Apparenly he is a douche.

Oh, his full name? Richard Hoover.

GordonShumway: Dick Hoover.
CDNMoose: I could use a good Dick Hoovering
goathair: get the darn book deal done

TexasGal: I wonder if annoying people on the phone is one of Greg’s steps
Landy Andrea: it’s one of my steps
goathair: its step 6
CDNMoose: put it back in the box?

Dwayne re-enters his room where Frank is sitting on the bed…

GordonShumway: who left Uncle Frank alone????
elric: honestly now, he could have stabbed himself with a pen in that time

Dwayne and Frank have a little talk before dinner…which is pretty one-sided actually because Dwayne doesn’t talk anymore.

His reason? He points to the poster on the wall, Friedrich Nietzsche.

Landy Andrea: SAM ELLIOT!

Well, they say Nietzsche.

Landy Andrea: it’s Sam Elliot

The dude abides. Sam Elliot it is.

GordonShumway: Care Bear Stare!
goathair: why does he wear all white?
goathair: uncle frank is a miami heat fan?
TexasGal: Steve Carell’s outfit looks like the one Ricky Gervais wore in his character’s music video on the Office
GordonShumway: And after Labor Day to boot
elric: it’s slimming? no, that’s not right
TexasGal: Free Love Freeway or whatever

They sit down to dinner…not a lot of chuckles or conversation going on.

CDNMoose: What’s ironic is that she brought home the “fun bucket” of chicken.
GordonShumway: Imagine if she’d gotten the Misery Meal for 8.
CDNMoose: but the Misery Meal doesn’t come with potato salad

LMS - dinner

This family is all about dark meat. Quirky, dark, depressing meat.

Dwayne is asked questions by Frank and he writes his responses in a little notepad (e.g. “I hate everyone”)

TexasGal: me, too buddy
TexasGal: underline

GordonShumway: I’m not sure there’s enough wood in this house
CDNMoose: not with Toni Colett around

More dinner conversation…

GordonShumway: Is that vodka? Aristocrat?
TexasGal: BTW, I still have the entire Star Wars-Empire-ROTJ sets of Mickey D’s glasses
TexasGal: those things rule
elric: is she pouring Crystal Clear Pepsi?
CDNMoose: Mmmm…Crystal Gravy on the chicken

Grampa finally arrives to the table…

goathair: love the fanny pack
elric: leather vest ftw
GordonShumway: The vest is my favorite.
TexasGal: the flowered shirt really brings out the detail on that vest

…and he is, well, nonplussed with the dinner selection.

CDNMoose: EVERY NIGHT IS THE FUCKING CHICKEN
GordonShumway: I’VE HAD IT WITH THIS FUCKING CHICKEN IN THE FUCKING BUCKET
goathair: to be honest, i wouldnt eat fried chicken every day either
GordonShumway: Oh, I totally would.
CDNMoose: I’d just eat the skin
goathair: you’re heart would be angry with you
CDNMoose: Yeah, well what has my heart ever done for me?

TexasGal: I think when Dwayne says he hates people, he really means he hates his dad

goathair: toni collette: hot or not hot?
CDNMoose: NOT. Sorry.
goathair: she is british though
TexasGal: Australian
CDNMoose: That’s not helping
goathair: potato, potahto
elric: good point

According to his Dad, Dwayne is apparently using 7 of the 9 steps on his quest for self-fulfiullment.

GordonShumway: How many steps did the chicken use?
elric: but the chicken’s in a bucket, not a box
CDNMoose: I think it was decapitated at step 3, so we’ll never know the chicken’s full potential

GordonShumway: Olive is borrowing The Queen’s glasses
CDNMoose: But where’s her handbag?
elric: and the corgis?
GordonShumway: Under the table

goathair: steve carrell could have an OUTSTANDING moustache
goathair: like, legendary

They discuss Uncle Frank’s suicide attempt, among other fun topics most families talk about at the dinner table.

GordonShumway: Do you know what fisting is Olive?
CDNMoose: If not, do you want to find out?

Turns out Uncle Frank tried to kill himself because his gay lover left him for another professor and he didn’t get grant money. Story of my life, Frank.

TexasGal: Hardaway time
goathair: and the other word is amaechi
GordonShumway: That word for it? ####
goathair: or that

Incidentally, Frank is also the #1 Proust scholar in the USA. So he’s got that going for him…which is nice.

TexasGal: Rich has no idea who Proust is
GordonShumway: He pronounces it Prowst
CDNMoose: that’s step 10
CDNMoose: he’ll get there one day
goathair: rich is a big bag of douche
TexasGal: a bucket, even
CDNMoose: he is clean and fresh smelling
TexasGal: which of the steps tells you how to kill yourself properly?
CDNMoose: “properly”? 11.
goathair: step one, put your douche in the bucket
goathair: could there be anything worse for someone who is suicidal than to fail at suicide?
CDNMoose: technically speaking…succeeding

There is an answering machine message that Olive goes to check…as it turns out, there was some sort of problem with the winner of a beauty pageant called “Little Miss Chili Pepper” that Olive was a runner-up in…

GordonShumway: Little Miss Chili Pepper? Does that involve Flea?
CDNMoose: the best part of Little Miss Chili Pepper is the sweatsock contest

GordonShumway: Second place out of 2.
TexasGal: shut up, douche

Richard is, well…acting like a dick (which is what TexasGal is responding to, not Shummy’s comment about Olive’s “success”).

GordonShumway: I tell that to dates. “Some of the other girls have been doing it longer but I practice every day”

TexasGal: I’m now positive Rich is the reason Dwayne is screwed in the head

CDNMoose: I am putting the Jon Benet jokes in this post at….9.
CDNMoose: …and I’m taking the over

So Olive learns that because of a “diet pill incident” with the winner, Olive has full rights to attend the Big Pageant in the winner’s stead.

She is pretty “psyched” about that.

goathair: was that squee?
elric: I think that was more “squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

Dad stands, trimphant that his little girl is a winner after all.

TexasGal: He clips his cell phone to his belt
TexasGal: please don’t do that
GordonShumway: It distracts from the pleats
TexasGal: really
TexasGal: it ruins the line of the pleats
elric: I like how their shirts match

CDNMoose: I only clip my phone to my belt when Banshee and I are roleplaying and I am playing the role of “arrogant but clueless douche”
GordonShumway: haha, the only difference is that you’re not wearing pants
CDNMoose: yeah, but I still have the belt on
TexasGal: I want to hear more about the role playing. Let me guess, Shumway is Princess Leia?
CDNMoose: we don’t mix universes like that
CDNMoose: when she’s leia, I am Chewy
CDNMoose: (if I know what I mean)

goathair: equestrian is totally horseshit
TexasGal: you want your tummy region to be as puffy as possible
TexasGal: cell phone messes that up
GordonShumway: Affirmed.

GordonShumway: Nice Mayor McCheese tumbler

goathair: who is more suicidal, dwayne or frank?

As if they are leaving immediately, Olive packs for the trip to California for the pageant…

TexasGal: Items in Olives bag: barbie doll, eight sweatbands, bathing suit
GordonShumway: That’s what I packed for my last business trip
GordonShumway: And some cowboy boots

But there are issues galore with them going.

Maybe they can’t go to the Little Miss Sunshine pageant after all (though that would make for a pretty short movie).

elric: what would you call Dwayne’s hair?
TexasGal: emo-riffic
goathair: i call it the ridnour
CDNMoose: Leitchy
GordonShumway: It’s the Greasy Beatle

Much discussion and writing with Dwayne convinces him to go (Mom will let him attend flight school, which is his dream).

TexasGal: the Chicken Accord has been reached

So with Dwayne the Greasy Beatle on board (hmmm…”Dwayne the Greasy Beatle”…would that be better or worse than “Cockie Monster”?), they’re gonna go after all.

Dad gives Olive a pep talk because, you know, that’s apparently what he does professionally (since you can’t be paid for being a douche).

TexasGal: here comes the Winners speech
CDNMoose: The hair on my neck is standing on end
TexasGal: listen to that music, baby
GordonShumway: Didn’t he give this same speech in Invincible?
GordonShumway: As Dick Vermeil
goathair: killer scrunchy
CDNMoose: JUST WIN, BABY
elric: win one for the gipper?

Dwayne and uncle Frank bed down for the night.

TexasGal: Yeah, whose bright idea was it to put the two suicidal guys together in a room, with a giant Sam Elliot staring down at them?
CDNMoose: That’s also inspirational
goathair: they should make a reality show like that
elric: I think Dwayne’s going to kill himself when he runs out of pages in the notebook
GordonShumway: Welcome to Hell, Population 8

The next morning, they all pile into a VW bus and head out on the highway…

goathair: sufjan!
CDNMoose: nice
GordonShumway: sufjan
TexasGal: Illinoise
GordonShumway: Dammit, we all dig the indie rock, don’t we
CDNMoose: the soundtrack is good, anyway
goathair: great trumpet work there
GordonShumway: Dwayne thinks the trumpets blow
goathair: tim hardaway hates that comment
goathair: illinoise is too long
TexasGal: I just like saying Illinoise

TexasGal: dig the sheep seat covers
TexasGal: Dwayne’s hair could be Bama Bangs if it wasn’t black

In the van, Grampa curses a hot streak. He’s incorrigible!

Parents do not fret: Olive is listening to music on her headphones and can’t hear Grampa’s discussion of his cock, the skanks at the nursing home, etc….

GordonShumway: Olive is listening to Ice-T’s “Cop Killer”
GordonShumway: Or perhaps some Cannibal Corpse

And, apparently, Grampa was was shot in his big one during The Big One.

TexasGal: I bet the Nazi bullets aren’t the only thing in his ass
goathair: ah the nazi bullets!
GordonShumway: That’s where he keeps his wallet
elric: does he have Butch’s watch up there?
GordonShumway: He got it from Blanche
goathair: nazis. i hate those guys.
CDNMoose: Nothing worse than Illinoise Nazis

TexasGal: Rich gets his whole wardrobe from JC Penney

Gramps’s advice to Dwayne is to fuck chicks. Lots of them.

goathair: not one woman. A LOT of women.
GordonShumway: And a LOT of Valtrex

At a truck stop, they order up some breakfast. Olive asks how much they can spend…Mom says they can order $4 worth.

GordonShumway: No, $4 for the entire table
CDNMoose: “I’d like $4 of weed”
goathair: good to see kelly from the office getting some outside work

LMS - Diner

What? No chicken?

Richard gets the #5.

elric: what is a #5?
GordonShumway: The #5 is a big bowl of dicks
CDNMoose: …with coffee

Olive takes a full minute to decide her order…

CDNMoose: This better not be the big question at the end of the pageant. she’s blowing it.

She (eventually) goes with waffles ala mode, which Richard defines for the table.

GordonShumway: The waitress eats her ala mode ala mode
TexasGal: this part makes Carrell sound Office-esque

But…not so fast. Dad is quick to point out the evils of milk fat to his fat daughter.

TexasGal: now we’re gonna get the fattie speech
GordonShumway: In the fashion of kicking your ass, Rich
GordonShumway: Olive, you look fat when you cry
TexasGal: you’re too fat, 6 year old
TexasGal: get on a treadmill
GordonShumway: He likes a woman who bones his meat too
CDNMoose: You’re with me, Juvenille Diabetes

goathair: im not against toni collette
elric: until his meat is medium well
goathair: just saying
goathair: she has chutzpah
GordonShumway: And it’s OK to be ugly, Toni Collette
CDNMoose: And it’s okay to used to be a man, Toni Collette

GordonShumway: Is that a thong apron?

The generously proportioned waitress comes by with the coffees and ice cream.

goathair: carrell could definitely put his bike in that trunk

Olive is re-guilted into eating her ice cream after all the others (but Rich) start eating it for her.

GordonShumway: I’m not sure I’d want to eat after Grandpa
TexasGal: Must be lonely being the lone asshat at the table, RICH

They leave the restaurant, and Rich tries to get his lit agent on the phone (again) outside the restaurant…

TexasGal: nothing says “commanding businessman” like the sound of an 18-wheeler rumbling in the background

Sheryl asks Rich how it went…he says he couldn’t get a signal, though really he just left his 25th message to the guy who won’t return his calls.

CDNMoose: WHY MUST YOU TURN THIS PARKING LOT INTO A HOUSE OF LIES!?!?
goathair: i like that she sports a reggie miller wristband

Sheryl tries to drive stick, and yeah…she may not be ready to drive the stick.

Rich provides encouragement such as “push the clutch hard!” and “don’t do that” and “my pleated pants are chaffing me”.

All we hear is the sound of gears gnashing together.

CDNMoose: euphemism alert!
elric: do we get a “women can’t drive” diatribe now
goathair: yeah, push that stick hard

Turns out they’ve busted the clutch, and Sheryl is quick to get on Rich’s case when he can’t get the van working, either.

CDNMoose: Umm…is she allowed to be all uppity after she’s the one who broke the van?

TexasGal: Toni’s wearing peach capris. I don’t know if that’s worse than pleated pants

They get the van to a mechanic…

GordonShumway: Is that the dude from The Transporter?
CDNMoose: I hope so…maybe he’ll oil himself down and kick some ass
goathair: i wish
elric: no, he’s English. I have no clue what accent that guy was working

Outside the garage, Olive rolls around a tire that’s about as big as she is (in all dimensions).

GordonShumway: Little Miss Sunshine apparently has a strength competition.
GordonShumway: A little girl named Magnus won last year
TexasGal: she’s working off those ice cream calories
CDNMoose: and the old “tire roll” is the second-most important competition after the swimsuit

The new plan is to start push the van, then they can shift the higher gears without a clutch. They all get out to push.

GordonShumway: Olive, start pushing.
CDNMoose: Why is Olive pushing?
elric: why not?
goathair: she weighs the most
TexasGal: this is a lawsuit waiting to happen

GordonShumway: Let that be a lesson kids. English majors are for shit
elric: *sob*
TexasGal: all that English degree will get you is a suicide attempt and a spot pushing around a VW van
goathair: he runs like a gay

GordonShumway: If Dwayne falls alone in the woods, would anyone hear his scream?
CDNMoose: he wouldn’t scream.
elric: he’d write it down in his notebook
CDNMoose: he’d just write “AAARGH” on a piece of paper
GordonShumway: He would write “AAAHHAHAHAHAHAA!”

goathair: so they allow gays in the military now

goathair: dwayne could play severus snape in a harry potter flash back

They continue heading down the road…Richard continues to try to get Stan Grossman on the phone.

elric: hey, Carefree Highway. where’s my Gordon Lightfoot?
GordonShumway: I was hoping for “Been Through the Desert On a Whore with No Name”
CDNMoose: wow. she must have been really dry at the end

TexasGal: Stan Grossman IS Bill Brasky
goathair: stan grossman, sex cannon’s dad?
GordonShumway: Let’s drink every time he says the word “step”
CDNMoose: or “Proust”
elric: I think that’s Step 11
CDNMoose: I’m down with that…
goathair: id call it a ticking clocktion

GordonShumway: I can’t ever get a good idea how big Steve Carell’s nose is
TexasGal: nothing’s more infuriating when you’re mad than someone patronizing you
GordonShumway: God, Deadspin would kill him
goathair: kinnear would hate this chatroom
TexasGal: and for that, Frank rules
TexasGal: the old “he started it” defense

Stan Grossman actually calls Rich…

TexasGal: STAN!
TexasGal: OH MY GOD!
goathair: rich = marriotti
elric: STAN?
TexasGal: I LOVE YOU!
CDNMoose: “Stan…I can’t hear you…I’m going behind a butte….”

GordonShumway: Ned? Ned Ryerson?
CDNMoose: BING!
elric: fries are done?
CDNMoose: Needle nose Ned, Ned the Head

They stop so Dad can call Stan back on a landline. Dwayne does pushups beside the van while he does so.

elric: he doesn’t do pushups right
TexasGal: I think Dwayne needs to get laid
goathair: these kids train all the time

While Rich goes to make his call, Grampa asks Frank to go into the gas station and get him some nudie magazines…and a Squishee.

GordonShumway: My parents always encouraged me to hang out on the fringes of gas stations
CDNMoose: nothing better than gas station porn
GordonShumway: I’m not sure where he pulled that money from
goathair: he slangs rocks
TexasGal: Love that Frank has to pick up straight people porn for grandpa
elric: fanny pack, remember?

But, of course, inside the gas station, as he picks out a variety of porn for Grampa, Frank is confronted by his ex-lover, who also happens to be at a gas station in the middle of nowhere.

GordonShumway: Oh God, Frank liked a guy with a popped collar?
TexasGal: OK, well that guy is cute
goathair: well, he is gay
elric: it’s half popped
CDNMoose: he likes to slum, Shummy
TexasGal: the collar is half popped, and not ironed- so it’s rolled up at the edges
TexasGal: college boy laundry style
GordonShumway: All he needs is a pair of Croakies
TexasGal: does he have pleated pants
GordonShumway: He would’ve loved you if you had Croakies, Frank
goathair: gays scorn pleats
TexasGal: You turned him straight, popped collar

Things get awkward as the cashier dude rings up the (gasp!) straight porn for Frank.

CDNMoose: Ahh…Juggs
elric: ah, Juggs
CDNMoose: when Swank just isn’t low-grade enough
TexasGal: are you PROUD?
goathair: nice of john kruk to lend his services behind the counter
CDNMoose: NOW with the black bag
elric: you forgot your drink, Steve Carrell

Rich finds out his book deal is a no-go. Stan is at a conference in Scottsdale, AZ. Rich says that’s right on the way to California…

GordonShumway: Oh you’re in Juneau? I could stop by.
GordonShumway: Is Fucked on the way to Scottsdale?

The van learns of Rich’s bad news…

goathair: good thing he’s got that cell piece
TexasGal: Nothing is more fun than watching married people fight about money
elric: I was hoping she’s pull a Tienanmen Square protester
TexasGal: while wearing pleated shorts and/or peach capris

Sheryl is not the most supportive knife in the drawer.

GordonShumway: Know who could play this part and look equally mannish? Felicity Huffman
elric: or Frances McDormand

In the midst of all their arguing…

TexasGal: where’s the girl??????
CDNMoose: bing!
GordonShumway: They forgot their Slushie. Olive.
goathair: dwayne wonders the same thing

Dwayne asks where Olive is, and yes, she is standing back outside the gas station.

CDNMoose: she’s making an extra few bucks on the corner
GordonShumway: Olive is in the third trimester
CDNMoose: Don’t run…just roll!
TexasGal: I got left by my parents when I was little
TexasGal: scarred for life
goathair: i dig olive’s chucks
goathair: i bought the same ones for my sister last christmas
GordonShumway: I love Chucks.
goathair: i have at least 10 pairs of chucks
GordonShumway: I just have 2
TexasGal: I had an aqua pair back in 1986.
CDNMoose: I only have a single shoe
elric: do you have one leg?
TexasGal: (yes- don’t bring it up- he’s sensitive)
CDNMoose: nope. three like normal
goathair: its sad that im a dude and i have the most shoesies

Grampa gives some consolation to Rich (his son) on the lost book deal.

TexasGal: grandpa is cool
TexasGal: great speech
TexasGal: son is a douche, on the other hand

They stop somewhere near Scottsdale for the night at a motel. Two-to-a-room, and lots of sleep since they need to get out first thing in the morning. No lollygagging!

GordonShumway: No lollygagging? Guess they’re not watching spectravision
CDNMoose: They’ll just watch the 30-second previews and try to Jack off before it gets scrambled
GordonShumway: Not jack off. Lollygag.
CDNMoose: Isn’t “Lollygag” a gay porn thing where you choke the other guy with your peeper?
GordonShumway: That’s pretty much what I use as foreplay

Who doesn’t?

Bush is on the toob in Frank/Dwayne’s room.

TexasGal: a GW speech will cheer Dwayne right up!
elric: the hell? random Bush?
goathair: i have no problem with random bush

They toss the remote around in case the channel needs changing.

goathair: michael scott would have hit him in the face
GordonShumway: How many takes did they have to do with the remote?
goathair: dwayne smiled!

Meanwhile, in Grampa & Olive’s room…

TexasGal: grandpa sleeps in his fanny pack
CDNMoose: hey, there’s no reason to not be fashionable, even at bedtime
TexasGal: so he has the heroin close at hand at all times
goathair: he looks like he’d wear a nightcap

Grampa gives Olive a pep talk before bed.

GordonShumway: OK, no kidding, this scene made me teary
CDNMoose: Were you in Little Miss Nighttime as a young lass, Shummy? Is this just hitting too close to home?
goathair: “olive, you’re fat and unattractive.”
TexasGal: grandpa really is the most sane guy of the bunch- even with the raging libido
goathair: and heroin addiction
TexasGal: well, there is that
TexasGal: and the gas station porn fetish
elric: and the nazi bullets. still the most sane character though

The gist of Grampa’s speech is: “If you try, you’ll win”

GordonShumway: Sexy Rexy tried to win. That alone makes Grandpa’s theory total crap.
TexasGal: Sexy Rexy always wins… in bed.
GordonShumway: Rex + trying = still a loser
elric: Sex Cannon always hits his mark
CDNMoose: No, he didn’t try…he thought the loser thing would bag him more of the sympathy bangs from chicks

Olive tucks herself in tight…

goathair: olive hasnt learned that you don’t put hotel blankets by your face
TexasGal: yeah, no kidding- everyone saw that Dateline, right?
CDNMoose: somebody get out the blacklight so we can see the Jackson Pollack

Out in the parking lot, Rich tries to get the van going so he can go confront Stan.

goathair: is this beirut?
goathair: it could be
TexasGal: we’ve got mariachi trumpets in the background
elric: the car is a metaphor for the current situation

The van is a no-go, so Rich makes some sort of deal with a gang of kids sitting around on their scooters.

CDNMoose: “Right when I think you can’t get any more dumb….you do something like this…AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF”
GordonShumway: I so want Jeff Daniels to be on the back
CDNMoose: who doesn’t?
CDNMoose: er…I mean….

Back at Grampa and Olive’s…

TexasGal: grandpa unzips…
elric: here comes the nose candy

And in Scottsdale, Rich pulls up to the “Dynamic Strategies Expo”. He can’t get Stan in his room, so he tries his cell.

Hearing a phone ringing in the lobby, he looks around for Stan.

goathair: stan grossman is a hater
CDNMoose: this is a strategy from a Matlock
elric: there were cell phones in Matlock?
CDNMoose: rotary dial cellphones, like from The Queen

Stan is busted. He’s sitting right there in the lobby (played by Malcom in the Middle’s Dad/Tim the Jewish Dentist from Seinfeld).

GordonShumway: Hello Newman
CDNMoose: He’s an Anti-Dentite!
GordonShumway: Step! Drink!
CDNMoose: He converted to Dynamic Strategies for the jokes
goathair: stan grossman could play jesus in a play

Stan tells Rich he tried to push his book deal hard, but there were no takers…

GordonShumway: rammed it down their throats?
GordonShumway: *insert Kobe joke here
GordonShumway: you blew it? *another Kobe joke
goathair: insert kobe joke, another kobe joke

Cut to Rich back at the hotel. Olive is waking he and Sheryl up.

Apparently, Grampa isn’t moving…

CDNMoose: oops
TexasGal: oh no
TexasGal: fanny pack of doom
CDNMoose: “Just like that puppy you bought me for Christmas…grampa won’t wake up”
CDNMoose: That’s step 5

At the hospital, they are informed that yep, Grampa is dead. They need to figure out what to do with the body.

GordonShumway: Handling the remains? that sounds horrid.
TexasGal: manhandle
TexasGal: stalk

Rich explains Grampas passing to Olive in the only way he knows how…dick.

GordonShumway: Grandpa was a quitter, Olive. He quit on staying alive.

The grief counsellor comforts them. And by “comforts”, I mean “tells them it’s not her problem that they have a dead body there”. Forms must be filled out. Procedures followed, etc.

goathair: killer boots man
elric: I don’t think that’s standard medical procedure
elric: (yell Linda down a hallway)
elric: hey, a black person
goathair: condoleeza
GordonShumway: Black person #1

“We’ve already made arrangements in Albequerque and we’re on our way to California and blah, blah”

CDNMoose: “Albequerque? Sounds made up”
elric: like a Weird Al song

The grief counsellor doesn’t care. They can’t just leave the body there.

TexasGal: nothing is better than a snide bereavement counselor
GordonShumway: You don’t know me! You don’t know what I’m about!
CDNMoose: You’re not my father!
goathair: i have a cell phone!
CDNMoose: it’s on my belt!

elric: is everyone in this movie neurotic?
GordonShumway: I think psychotic is the word you’re looking for
CDNMoose: If I’ve learned anything from porn movies, is that all that grief counsellor needs is a good fuck

goathair: or insanity sauce
GordonShumway: A double helping.
elric: on farfalle

They go to the room to be with Grampa’s body.

goathair: they should have let grandpa die with a boner
TexasGal: For a second when they showed the body, I thought gramps had a boner
CDNMoose: thought? or wished?
TexasGal: a lady never tells
TexasGal: fortunately, I’m no lady
TexasGal: even in death, he remains at attention

GordonShumway: Surprise! We’ve replaced your father’s remains with Folger’s crystals.
elric: can you taste the difference?

goathair: im a duck!
goathair: “if there were one thing my father would have wanted, it would be to get laid again.”
GordonShumway: Grandpa gave up.

The group decides that there are only two kinds of people in this world– do’ers and don’t-do-ers. They’re gonna take the body with them to Little Miss Sunshine. They’ll have to smuggle him out.

CDNMoose: actually, three kinds of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can’t
TexasGal: this is the scene I imagine right before Britney shaved her head- total meltdown along with enabling behavior by everyone around her
GordonShumway: Grandpa’s heart, actually
elric: Even dead, grandpa’s still going to be the sanest person in the car
goathair: only 2 things scare me, and one is nuclear war

They pseudo-wackily work the body out of a second story window into the parking lot and make their way to California…

CDNMoose: when did this movie become a Dharma & Greg?
elric: I thought it was
goathair: dead body catching should be part of worlds strongest man
TexasGal: it’s the third part of the pageant, right after the tire roll
GordonShumway: Here’s where the screenwriters thought “Aw, nobody’s ever seen Vacation.”
TexasGal: if this is a Vacation ripoff- do we get to see pee sandwiches, too?
CDNMoose: Aunt Edna. Hot or not?
GordonShumway: They’re meeting Cousin Eddie at the pageant
CDNMoose: Hey, and dude was born without a tounge

CDNMoose: PROUST! Drinky!
GordonShumway: Proust!

elric: he’s going to start to smell
goathair: he’ll stiffen up
GordonShumway: I would totally wear Olive’s t-shirt. I love dinosaurs
goathair: agreed. dinosaurs are boss.
GordonShumway: Which explains my last boyfriend
CDNMoose: Triceratops?
elric: your last boyfriend was a dinosaur?
goathair: he was scaley?
elric: I like triceratops
CDNMoose: it’s the third bone that makes him good
GordonShumway: He was older than me. And not as cool as a triceratops
goathair: i like pteradactyls
CDNMoose: (or maybe not in Shummy’s case)
elric: and ankylosaurs
elric: I like ankylosaurs
GordonShumway: Pachycephalasauruses.
CDNMoose: what did you just call me?

elric: the head butting sons of bitches?
goathair: we need to liveblog jurassic park
GordonShumway: I’m in. Anything’s better when you add a dash of Goldblum

Out on the road, there is a problem with the horn…it won’t stop “horning”.

CDNMoose: Sigh….This *is* a Dharma & Greg!

Sigh…A motorcycle cop finds the horn sounds a titch abnormal and pulls the van over

goathair: pretend to be normal
CDNMoose: the ladies love a man in uniform
GordonShumway: We’re just horny, officer
CDNMoose: “…and that oil rig isn’t helping things”
goathair: Shummy apparently likes men in uniform
GordonShumway: no, cause their horn is stuck. Um. That means. Horny. Nevermind

When asked about the horn, Rich more or less confesses to rape, murder and starting the great Chicago Fire.

goathair: way to play it cool pleats
goathair: jayz would not stand for this

CDNMoose: Step 10 is how to avoid prison rape. He never should have stopped at 9

The officer asks him to open the trunk (you know, the one with the dead body in it). Rich panics, but as it turns out, the officer likes his porn.

GordonShumway: I din’t pass the bar but I know a lil bit..
elric: Juggs is a perfectly healthy pasttime
CDNMoose: This is just how Dharma got out of this situation, too
goathair: enough that you wont illegally search my shit
TexasGal: cop wants to take that “sweet” porn home with him
CDNMoose: Buns & Ammo.
CDNMoose: nice

goathair: rich was doing 55 in a 54
GordonShumway: He got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one.
goathair: and….scene
goathair: this is a brian regan joke
CDNMoose: ?
goathair: the horn thing

So, after that unecessary stop, they continue on…can’t waste time. They have to be at the pageant by 3PM!

Olive passes the time by giving Dwayne a test for colour blindness.

(Before you ask, my answer is “because it’s convenient to the plot”).

Turns out Dwayne is colour blind!

Oh, the huge manatee! That means he can’t fly jets.

All that working out. All that voluntary silence. All those Emo bangs. All for naught.

TexasGal: oh crap, he’s color blind
TexasGal: like Stephen Colbert
CDNMoose: that’s a bad thing, right?
elric: he’s red green colorblind?
TexasGal: if he wants to fly a plane, that is
elric: what’s this have to do with Neitschze?
CDNMoose: I’m Red Green humour-blind, but that’s a Canadian thing
GordonShumway: That’s the worst show ever

goathair: don’t they test this earlier?
GordonShumway: And listen to the sound of Dwayne’s dream dying
GordonShumway: LOOK WHAT YOU DID OLIVE!
goathair: should have kicked out the window
CDNMoose: He can probably talk now that his life’s dream is destroyed
goathair: this is anti-squee

They stop the van and Dwayne runs to a field and, well, explodes.

GordonShumway: I bet all kinds of dust came off his vocal cords
GordonShumway: This is exactly why I never read brochures at the doctor’s office.
CDNMoose: Besides, you don’t want to be reminded of the itching and burning

GordonShumway: Ew, Dwayne just snarfed
goathair: FAT!!
CDNMoose: Okay, maybe Dwayne is the sane one…sort of
goathair: pinky and the brain love to snarf
CDNMoose: *awkward*!
GordonShumway: Don’t worry Dwayne. You can still drive an oil tanker
goathair: “why won’t you people just let me kill myself?”
GordonShumway: Or be Olive’s costume designer

Mom’s condolences didn’t help. He isn’t moving. But they need to keep going, so Olive will give it a shot.

CDNMoose: Cindy Lou Who can fix this
CDNMoose: …or eat him
CDNMoose: either way…problem solved!

goathair: pay no mind to the enormous child behind you
GordonShumway: While I do like the shirt, I wouldn’t pair it with the hot pants and cowboy boots
CDNMoose: you wouldn’t? I’m kinda disappointed
GordonShumway: No, I’d wear a hula skirt and flip flops

Begin serious film comment.

TexasGal: nice cinematography in this shot
elric: I admit, it’s a good scene

LMS - Dwayne field

Money shot.

Done and done.

TexasGal: I like Sheryl’s skirt
GordonShumway: Much better than the capris
TexasGal: almost Lilly Pulitzer-esque

Dwayne apologizes for insulting the whole family.

GordonShumway: Oh, exept the divorced and bankrupt and loser parts.

goathair: is that curly on his shirt?
GordonShumway: I thought you said “a curly” and I was like, damn, somebody’s got HD TV

With Dwayne back in the van, they make it to the convention centre for the pagent, but they can’t stop the van because of the clutch thing, so they drive like maniacs around the parking lot, through hedges, etc. It’s *totally* wacky.

CDNMoose: okay…maybe more “King of Queens” than “Dharma & Greg”
goathair: gotta love cul de sacs
CDNMoose: the tuba makes it funny
elric: I think I saw this scene in the World’s Greatest Car Chases
goathair: #### run
elric: they went a bit overboard with the tubas in this movie

LMS - Wacky door

More cowbell == lose the door to the van when you stop.

They sprint to registration…

CDNMoose: Run you stupid fucking porker! Run!

…where they are 4 minutes late. A snooty pageant co-ordinator does not want to let them in, despite their reasons for being late.

GordonShumway: Way to die, Grandpa
GordonShumway: this woman’s from Charlotte and the local papers acted like she was the star of the movie.
CDNMoose: she isn’t?
TexasGal: her hair is circa 1963
TexasGal: do you think she’s washed it since then?
CDNMoose: her helmet sure could be the star
CDNMoose: it’s got range

LMS - Registration

We’re late because I never loved my father enough to be a replacement for heroin…

TexasGal: hey that Hardaway behind her is CSI guy
goathair: MOUSTACHE!!!
elric: what step is that?
elric: it is a CSI guy
GordonShumway: Does AJ Dalaurio play Kirby?
goathair: Kerby is my last name
GordonShumway: Do you have a mustache and a festively patterned shirt?
TexasGal: there’s a GREAT place to eat in Austin called Kerbey Lane
TexasGal: no relation
goathair: i have a beard and a shirt with a bunch of weird heads on it

CSI: Sacramento lets them into the pageant late after all, and Olive roams the halls, spotting Miss California. Olive asks her if she eats ice cream.

goathair: “yes, although technically i purge it immediately”
CDNMoose: no, she eats frozen bacteria
TexasGal: Miss California has a stock, robotic answer for every possible question
elric: it’s still eating, technically
GordonShumway: I really like that flavor because it doesn’t burn when I puke it up afterward
GordonShumway: I meant that eating was Olive’s talent
GordonShumway: Is that girl being tasered?

The pageant begins…

goathair: jon mar karr loves this scene
TexasGal: Isn’t the mic girl from 24? I don’t even watch that show
TexasGal: BURN

GordonShumway: I thought we agreed to call it lollygagging

Frank and Dwayne sit in the hallway…Frank reads that his ex-BF is now the #1 Proust scholar in the US. Ouch. Not a good start to a Saturday, dude.

TexasGal: he’s not #1 anymore
elric: stalking?
CDNMoose: Hooters run!

goathair: mic girl was in Dude Where’s My Car
GordonShumway: What’s mine say? Dude! What’s mine say? Sweet! What’s mine say?
goathair: your tattoo says dude. your tattoo says sweet

Backstage at the pageant, the girls get ready.

GordonShumway: I have yet to see a tasseled lamp
CDNMoose: that’s because they’re wearing robes
CDNMoose: wait– what?

The emcee is creepy. Fucking. Creepy.

goathair: how is this guy not a car dealer
elric: that might be his day job
CDNMoose: I think he’s a fluffer
goathair: ….and then?
GordonShumway: No! No more and then!

Rich gets his Dad’s body taken care of locally.

CDNMoose: Did he have any heroin leftover?
GordonShumway: personal effects = 1 gram

In the crowd is a biker-type dude.

goathair: that guy looks like the guy from queens of the stone age in 20 years
CDNMoose: only if he goes with the flow
goathair: josh homme owns

Back to the creepy host as more pageant hopefuls are introduced and do their routines.

goathair: boitano?
TexasGal: is that a gold lame tie?
CDNMoose: WWBB do?
GordonShumway: I wouldn’t let my kids within a quarter mile of that guy

TexasGal: “work it. own it”
GordonShumway: That kid is terrifying
elric: are we having a walk-off?
goathair: that one girl looks like a chihuahua
GordonShumway: ANY of these kids are terrifying
TexasGal: that little girl in the bikini does more situps a day than me
CDNMoose: Should I be disturbed that we’re supposed to think of Olive as the drab one?
goathair: nightmare fuel

A particularly big-haired 8-year-old is doing her thang.

GordonShumway: She weighs 30 pounds, 23 of which is hair
CDNMoose: *20 is hair. 3 is hairspray

Backstage, Olive prepares for her routine.

TexasGal: Olive’s got a wedgie – so cute.
goathair: good to see olive wearing a unitard from the Earthquake collection
GordonShumway: Olive is rocking the scrunchie like she owns it
CDNMoose: that’s what you get for eating ice cream, bitch
goathair: olive is not little
GordonShumway: And in ten years, she’ll be crowned “Little Miss Hazelden Rehab”

Rich talks to biker dude.

GordonShumway: Nope. But I got a kid in my van.
CDNMoose: “No, no kid in the show. just….browsing”

The pageant continues.

TexasGal: If that guy makes out with those girls, I’m gonna hurl
elric: yeah, creepy guy is getting too close
GordonShumway: can’t see the line, can you Russ?
goathair: im glad they went the extra mile to give him molester facial hair
TexasGal: Olive’s like, “WTF?”

CDNMoose: Even if you don’t win Olive…remember what happened to Little Miss Springfield.

Frank gives Dwayne some advice (I think it boils down to the same as Grampa– get out there and fuck whatever will let you put your dick in them).

CDNMoose: PROUST!
GordonShumway: I’m pretty sure my arms are bigger than Dwayne’s
goathair: tim hardaway hates marcel proust
goathair: i would love to fish off that pier
GordonShumway: Is that a euphemism?

goathair: etan thomas takes offense at that line
GordonShumway: Yes dwayne, this movie couldn’t have earned an R-rating without you
CDNMoose: oh, yes
CDNMoose: that’s what *I’ve* been waiting for
CDNMoose: NUGE!
goathair: harley nugent is a dirty pirate hooker

GordonShumway: Someone should call social services
CDNMoose: repeatedly

goathair: yodeling only exists in pageants i think
GordonShumway: And Jewel albums

GordonShumway: 2nd black person!
elric: black person #2
CDNMoose: a black cowgirl? Now I’ve seen everything!

GordonShumway: That kid was great in Oceans 11
CDNMoose: FUNKYLICIOUS!
goathair: we got a glue guy
TexasGal: luncheous
elric: is that her name?

TexasGal: fringed pants are always appropriate for 6 year olds
goathair: im about ready for luncheous
GordonShumway: Olive is dressed like a painting of a hobo clown
GordonShumway: with a headband
CDNMoose: without the trindle…

goathair: where is the continuum transfunctioner?
CDNMoose: told you Dwayne was sane
GordonShumway: And you shouldn’t do it either, Mom
goathair: dwayne has been waiting 9 months to swear
TexasGal: his sanity was hidden by the emo bangs
CDNMoose: clearly
elric: they’re all gonna laugh at you!
GordonShumway: She’s a competitive eater
CDNMoose: She could eat Kobayashi
CDNMoose: using the solomon method
GordonShumway: They’re going to cut a baby in half?
GordonShumway: That’s what happens when you name your child after a food
goathair: i just wished she’d give my grandma back her glasses

TexasGal: do it… for grandpa!
GordonShumway: Even the pageant chick is wearing pleated pants
goathair: she looks like tom petty in that one video
GordonShumway: She’s really unattractive. She was more heinous in Firewall starring Harrison Ford
goathair: charisma is a great name …. for a stripper
GordonShumway: And gives me hope that one doesn’t need looks to be an actress.
TexasGal: Olive Hoover really isn’t much better
TexasGal: as a stripper name
GordonShumway: I don’t think people would take Olive Hoover into the champagne room
TexasGal: really- with a name like “Hoover”?
TexasGal: sounds like a guaranteed good time

goathair: biggest tie ever
CDNMoose: kids say the darndest things

Olive does her routine to Rick James’ “Superfreak”. She basically strips onstage down to her leotard. This…this is what Grampa was working on with her.

goathair: cant touch this!
TexasGal: slap that ass!
CDNMoose: You don’t get a lot of “Striptease” references/homages these days.
GordonShumway: When was the last time toni collette washed her hair?
CDNMoose: Muriels Wedding?

As her routine gets more “strippy”…

elric: Miss California recognizes these moves

goathair: love the arms move
goathair: steve carrell is the antithesis of funk
TexasGal: the twirl
TexasGal: my favorite move
CDNMoose: Twirl, TexasGal! Twirl like you’ve never twirled before!

goathair: she cant stop spinning because of the tummy
TexasGal: centrifugal force
GordonShumway: It’s like spinning a raw egg vs. a boiled one.
CDNMoose: or a dozen eggs

Outside of Miss California, the family are the only ones showing their love for the fine art of 8-year old strip-raunch.

LMS - Clapping

This would only be better if this was at a strip club…and she wasn’t my daughter…and she wasn’t 8.

The pageant folks attempt to get Olive off stage.

Instead, because it’s a “triumph of the spirit” thing (and not a wildly inappropriate routine for an 8-year old to be doing), the whole family eventually comes to the stage and dances with Olive.

TexasGal: RUMBLE
goathair: its going down
CDNMoose: Wasn’t this a “Drew Carey Show” ending?
GordonShumway: I bet a lot of people have said “Don’t touch her” to creepy pageant host

The whole family gets on stage and dances with Olive to her music, not allowing the Pageant Police to take her away. I believe we’re supposed to be cheering in our seats at this point.

goathair: not a very organized routine
goathair: work it rich
CDNMoose: He’s making a mockery of Little Miss Sunshine
goathair: and this is why they wont let dwight howard raise the rim to 12 feet
GordonShumway: Do the worm Dwayne!
CDNMoose: He can’t do the worm…he’s colourblind
TexasGal: Dwayne is serious about those moves
goathair: i love dwaynes mean-mugging
elric: mosh pit?
GordonShumway: This is what he practices in his room under the watchful eye of Sam Elliot
goathair: kirby likes it
goathair: ROCK AND ROLL
goathair: MOUSTACHE!

The state/local/pageant cops take the family back to the station and, because this movie cannot wrap up conveniently enough on its own, inexplicably tells them that the pageant won’t press charges. They are free to go.

CDNMoose: I think this is a “Two and a Half Men” ending

GordonShumway: Is Uncle Frank a hemophiliac? Cause his arms have been bandaged for, like, a week
CDNMoose: Yeah, but he cut for show
TexasGal: he’s an attention whore, Shumway

elric: the cop seemed fairly normal

goathair: great facial hair in this movie

They all pile into the van one last time to leave…

goathair: that van has to smell terrible right about now
GordonShumway: Yeah, but you know they’re gonna reuse that sheet
goathair: yes. but i imagine the cut-off denim vest guy is rank too

TexasGal: through adversity, they have triumphed, and come together as a family
TexasGal: now, who wants chicken and crystal Pepsi?

elric: and they all lived neurotically ever after?
CDNMoose: I think a grudging respect has grown through all of them

And they honk their way through the security gate, much to the over-the-top reaction of the snooty pageant woman.

TexasGal: that horn is going to haunt my dreams
CDNMoose: Nice reaction shot, Mayor of Charlotte
CDNMoose: And that’s why she’s the star, Shummy– she got the last shot

End credits roll.

TexasGal: Greg got first billing? over Toni?
TexasGal: and Steve?
TexasGal: wow
CDNMoose: he has a better agent
goathair: stan grossman worked it out for him
TexasGal: Stan Grossman is the man
goathair: he knows nothing about book deals though

TexasGal: Mychael? that’s a new one

GordonShumway: True Beauty inside and out? That means she was heinous, right?
TexasGal: yes

TexasGal: “Officer Martinez” was played by Mr. Rodruiguez. Why couldn’t he just be Officer Rodriguez?

GordonShumway: Olive had a stand-in? Thank god for America where there is no shortage of eight year olds with pot bellies

elric: Paul Goodstein, you were a good Key Grip

GordonShumway: Sufjan!
goathair: olive wore a fat suit
CDNMoose: Olive *ate a fat suit
CDNMoose: fixed that for you
elric: Olive was actually played by Eddie Murphy

TexasGal: I thought Jessica Otto’s work as assistant to Ms. Collette was particularly good
GordonShumway: She obviously didn’t assist her in washing her hair

So. Little Miss Sunshine was “fine”, but I have no clue how this is Oscar-worthy. I don’t even think it’s Emmy-worthy.

*shrugs*

Somewhat inexplicably, it’s only a 2-to-1 underdog on Sunday. I guess because of all the “quirky” characters. Whatever, dude. I’m sticking with Marty.

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Comments»

1. Amanda - Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I hate to say it, but I don’t know how anyone is going to read all that. This format needs tweaked slightly. It’s a great idea but it’s just too much reading…it makes my eyes go buggy.

Also, Little Miss Sunshine was good, not great. Pretty much.

2. Filthy Fowl - Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Like a teenager forced to read any classic novel, why would I read this when I can just watch the movie?

3. ladyandrea - Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I like the format, I will totally read this whole thing. Btw, when did I become Landy Andrea? Is “landy” an adjective? Like “randy?” Maybe I’m Randy Andrea….. Randy Lady Andrea is my new wrestling name.

4. cdnmoose - Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Landy Andrea?!

Ooof.

*hides shame*

That’s what happens when you do these things overnight. My apologies, m’Landy. Er…I mean “m’lady”.

And as for Amanda and Filthy Fowl– stop it. You’re making me cry.

Okay, not really…I have similar concerns. This was our first stab at these things and we decided on a beer fridge at the DeadOn offices instead of hiring an editor. I stand by that decision.

Besides, TMQ reads pieces of shit like this for breakfast.

5. Elric VIII Emperor of Melnibone - Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Yeah, and you made me elrac. It’s ok.

But these are edited damn well. You cut out a lot of extra stuff, which is good, and kept some responses close together. I noticed that you did cut out my “68 is one less than 69″ comment though. Boo, censorship. Boo.

6. cdnmoose - Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Elric: I totally blame eralc for making elric elrac in the opener. I fixed that one.

(We decided not to change Landy Andie’s name, though. Poor kid’s got enough identity issues as it is, what with her being in Witness Protection Program and all…oh, shit…I wasn’t supposed to mention that).

But you gotta give me props for spelling elric right through the whole post after the jump, no?

No?

Oh, and yep, I turfed the “69” conversation not through a bout of spontaneous censorship, but because I am too young and innocent to really understand what it all meant.

7. RyotGrrl - Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Well I for one think these things are high-larious! I love that they’re so comprehensive.

Then again, I love to read all through my lunch hour…sometimes an hour and a half thanks to these generous tomes.

/rimshot

8. goathair - Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I’m proud of that.

9. Elric VIII Emperor of Melnibone - Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I totally blame eralc for making elric elrac in the opener. – you just blew my damn mind.

10. gordonshumway - Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Levar Burton would be so ashamed of Amanda and Filthy Fowl. Why would he have taught you to read if he didn’t want you to use it?

Now. Everyone sing along with me. “Butterfly in the sky/ I can go twice as high…”

11. DougOLis - Wednesday, February 21, 2007

She (eventually) goes with waffles ala mode, which Richard defines for the table.

I’m pretty sure it was Frank who did it.

12. svpimh - Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Ah, I’m so sorry I couldn’t join in on the Proust related drinking game.

I was starting to read Proust’s first book, but I put it aside so I can read a book to review for here…

13. Amanda - Wednesday, February 21, 2007

No, no, I wasn’t trying to be mean. I would have likely read it all, if I hadn’t already seen the movie. I’m sorry, really, do keep up the great work on the blog because so far it’s a runaway success.

This has a very “Mystery Science Theater” feel to it, which I just get a little sensitive about. Because MST is the be-all and end-all of movie commentary.

14. imclearlynotalesbiandespitemythumbring - Wednesday, February 21, 2007

One of two best pictures nominees that actually would merit a win. The Departed is not the other, either.

… Also, did no one else think the cop at the end, who plea-bargained the Hoovers into agreeing not to compete in another pageant within the borders of California, looked like Andy Reid? I noticed that when I saw this in August… In fact, it might have been Andy Reid, acting under a pseudonym. I mean, maybe he wanted to do this movie in order to find a better understanding of heroin, since his son is a junkie.

15. cdnmoose - Wednesday, February 21, 2007

DougOLis: You are totally correct. I was going down on a bong at the time and missed it. Hopefully the Carrell-is-in-full-on-Office-mode comment by TexasGal makes me sound, well…less retarded (though I think we all can agree that that’s unlikely…)

SVPIMH: Like many others lately, you are dead to me.

Amanda: No meanness detected (like I said, I agree with the principle). When The Queen came out to 8,000 words, I wanted to cry. And we all know that MST3K rawks our collective worlds. I’d love to figure out how to work an MST3K review-that-is-not-a-review in this site somewhere…let me know if you have thoughts.

And lesboring, I could not disagree with you more. Little Miss really seemed sitcommy to me (hence the bitchy comments in my portion of the liveblog), but hey, that’s just me and I am on record as being retarded.

I am happy for Marty to finally win a “career Oscar” (“The Departed” liveblog is coming tomorrow…I’ll try to keep it less than 15,000 words, Amanda…ha!).

That being said, I think you’d be hardpressed to find anyone who thinks The Departed is even in Marty’s Top 3 (he said, moviesnobberingly…Oh yeah? Well, it is too a word– look it up. Okay, zero Google results, but that doesn’t mean *anything*…)

Sheesh.

16. Greek McPapadopoulos - Thursday, February 22, 2007

Little Miss Sunshine was enjoyable, and I had a blast with my friends watching it. But it’s very easy to tear it down. Not Oscar-worthy by any means, but worth watching.

17. Greek McPapadopoulos - Thursday, February 22, 2007

Oh yeah, great job on the commentary–hilarious!

18. Filthy Fowl - Thursday, February 22, 2007

Reading is Fundamental (R.I.F)

19. Gaggabo - Saturday, March 17, 2007

um ya LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE! WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM YOU LAUGHED DON’T LIE! MAYBE BECAUSE YOU CRETIQUED IT THE WHOLE TIME JEEZE! though i must admit very funny! definately Oscar worthy and Abigail Breslin (who played Olive) DID wear a fat suit and she is NOT fat you guys need to tone it down a bit

20. Ave - Monday, February 15, 2010

The man on Dwayne’s shirt is Big Brother from the 1956 production of “1984.”


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